Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Top 5 Things That Keep Me From Packing Up My Apartment

1) Listening to the entire Les Miserables soundtrack on my itunes. It's seriously keeping me from doing anything since all I can seem to do is act out each song. My personal favorite 'Bring Him Home'.

2) Sadness. Someone once said that the emotional impact from moving is nearly akin to that of losing someone. It makes sense. I can't eat, and all I can seem to do is start random crying fits, while clinging a joint in one hand, and a glass of vodka in the other. I will be okay, I will be okay, I will...

3) Myspace. Alright it's official, I'm addicted once again.

4) You Tube. Honestly stop being so smart and having my favorite episodes of "Golden Girls". PLEASE I BEG OF YOU!

5) Sheer laziness.

All That It Means Is I'll Always Be Dreaming Of You

What happened to Blink 182? Did they break up? Isn't one of them gay? It doesn't matter. Always liked this song regardless.

Let's Here It For The Dead

Some drunk. Some stoned. Some both. Some questioning the whereabouts of Anna Nicole Smith.

And how did you watch the Oscars?

Monday, February 26, 2007

I'm Bringing the Big Bow Back

When I was a pre-teen, there were three men I would have given my heart to:

1) Donnie Wahlberg

2) Josh Brolin

3) the actor in the Jets video for "You've Got it All". I loved this Jonathan Silverman look-alike so much that I used to dance around my bedroom and reenact this entire video. But it didn't end with my handsome suitor handing me a rose in a nightclub. Sire please. That's for sissies. My version ended with me and him getting it on (aka: me making out with my nightstand).

Hey, what can I say? I was a horny child.

Me and MC

Sometimes you need a little bit of Mariah Carey in your day. Today appears to be one of those days. For some reason, this song was never a huge hit and it was off her Charmbracelet CD that was pre-breakdown in like 2000. In true Mimi fashion, this video has a scantily clad Mariah, a pager because it's from seven years ago, and Snoop Dog.

You're. Welcome.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

They Heard I Was Good, They Wanna See If It's True

Note to All: This Song TURNS. ME. ON.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Brandy and Sara: The IM Interview

If you have yet to check out Eliza Skinner's fabulously all-female blog Hello Hilarious, then you sir are a rapist. And you madame, are the sort of lass who prefers the company of men who make fart jokes, to women who actually fart. And I digress.

Eliza is a lovely lady and a real talent to boot! She also is very good at sticking to the rules of the game "Girltalk". She asked me and Brandy if we'd like to talk about ourselves. Really, all she had to do was ask.

Check out our interview here.

And while you're at it Pony Boy, come out to see this tomorrow night.

You Mess With The Bull, You Get The Horns

Last week, while I was on my way to some sort of audition where I had to play a turnip or something, I went to get on the subway. Now as we all (who aren't over 400 pounds) know, each subway is made up of a series of seats. Sometimes when the trains are old, you sit on a grey slab of sorts. But if they were made post-Warriors, then you have an indentation for about six people on each side. (does not include the sideways seats). Well I got on the subway, and this young thug couple decided it was smart to take up THE ENTIRE FUCKING BENCH. Ah hell no! I am the size of a 12 year-old boy. I think I can squeeze in next to you Anna Maria and your Apple Bottom Jeans and Fubu Shirt. So I sit, because I should be able to, and her little Hector decides to start jabbing me with his elbow (wrapped comfortably around his lady's waist at the time) Not. In. The. Mood. Assholes.

This carried on for about two or three stops, by the fourth stop it was my time to go. So I did what any young-blooded American woman with ounces and ounces of class would do: I farted on them. I stood up. I directed my ass in their direction. And as soon as the train stopped, I let a really really horrible hazardous type gas explode out of my butt and into their faces.

Next time assholes, I warn you now, it might be wet.

You're welcome.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Ain't Gonna Hurt Nobody, with Our Dancing

The lovely Carol Hartsell (seen above as lead singer Sherma of the Indigo Girl's cover band "Dikes with Strife", alongside myself and Giulia Rozzi) wrote this about me and Brandy. I can't say enough how nice it is to be involved with a stellar group of fellow comediennes who just get it. Lord knows there are a ton of groups that don't. Cut to my Level Two improv class at Simp-Prov Comedy Academy*. Yeah, we didn't quite mesh.

When you do find some free time check out DAW's site, and when you are done being a dick, then come out to see their shows!!!

Like this one.

*Name changed to protect retards in my level two.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

I Got Served

Barber asked me, MCC, Anne, Sears, and Roz to write up 5 Things you Don't Know About (insert our name here). So here ya go:

1) I cannot eat sugar cookies without wanting to vomit because of a stomach flu I got immediately after making Christmas cookies when I was 8. To this day, even the smell makes me wanna puke.

2) I used to play mole people with my childhood best friend in my parent's living room on Sunday mornings, because that was the day my dad would bring a ton of bundles, so that my sisters and I wouldn't fight over who gets to read the comics. Lizzie and I would cover ourselves in newspaper and crawl around on the floor. She and I also, played mole people in her backyard, in the rain, with nothing protecting us except her dad's golf umbrella. When it came time to eat dinner (her grandmother's delicious meatballs), I'm pretty sure we stayed outside and split one. We were definitely all about method back then.

3) I never learned to ride a bike until Labor Day 2005.

4) As a kid, I was fascinated with floor plans and would sit for hours and draw houses I wanted to live in. I actually still sometimes still do this, and design what I want my Tribeca loft, Malibu beach house, and Hawaiian mansion to look like. If you ever look in any of my notebooks now, you'll probably find a doodle or two.

5) I stole a paint set when I was six. FROM THE AMISH. I thought it was makeup. 'Nough said.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Guess You Never Felt That Way

I am not a violent person. A lot of my rage might be hidden in the form of talking shit, or instigating a fight between someone I don't like and someone I do. The idea of ever punching someone, sure has crossed my mind, but I've never done it.

And even if someday the guy I was dating left me for some tall, mousy, loser with really long hair, though I might feel like punching, I'd probably only commit burglary and break into their apartment and trash that shit.

God love, that little Kelly Clarkson.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

One of These Things Is Just Like the Other

How Do I Live Without You?

Easily. How does one live without a Sara in their life? Well if you're the lead singer of Starship (Mickey Thomas), you walk around your lonely farm crying after Rebecca De Mornay.

You know the ushz.

Didn't I Blow Your Mind This Time?

In honor of Valentine's Day, some of my favorite love-themed videos from the years past.

Angry Love Song + Dread Locks - Class = Jane Child. You're welcome.

This one makes me feel dirty in that I just watched "Blue Lagoon" sort of way. You know, creepily turned on.

This one I will FUCKING BELT at karaoke tonight (pending they have it, their loss if they don't)

And this one, used to make me cry when I was 10 because I loved Donnie Wahlberg that much. Also, I think this was the concert when the fat chinese girl fell on my cousin from the row behind us.

Monday, February 12, 2007

The Struggle Makes the Win That Much Sweeter

Last year around this time, I ended something I probably should have ended a long time ago. And then by spring I found something that helped restore my faith in what good a healthy thing can be. And sure it has it's ups and downs, and the highs and lows, but it's a lot smoother a ride. One I don't mind taking. Over and over again. Maybe someday the ride might end, but until then - I'm gonna fucking go to town with this one.


Monday, February 05, 2007

Almost Would Have Taken It, If It There Wasn't Such a Need for Car With Air Conditioning

What's sad, is that some poor kid is going to take this job, shit themselves after the first week, and quit. Thereby ruining the current assistant's chances at being a writer on "Yes Dear". No, thank you sire.


This is a tough job. The pay is between $600 and $900 per week, depending on level of experience. If you're looking for an easy, relaxing, cushy job, please stop reading now and move on to the next ad. Seriously.

The best person for this job is someone who's very responsible and highly organized. If you're not responsible, or if you're not highly organized, please stop reading this ad and move on.

Before you apply, read this ad entirely and carefully. Then, if you still want the job, send us an email telling us about yourself, and why you want the job. Your email should be between 300 and 500 words.


The term "personal assistant" can mean many different things. It can mean you sit at a desk all day. Or it can mean you run errands all day. Sometimes, personal assistants perform only business-related tasks ( e.g. scheduling meetings, answering telephones). Sometimes, the tasks are more personal (e.g. getting lunch, picking up dry cleaning).

This job is to assist a busy TV writer/producer in keeping both his professional and his personal life running smoothly. You would be handing the following types of things:


--Constantly checking voice-mail, retrieving messages, and emailing them to producer.
--Being a liaison between producer and all departments in production and post.
--Keeping track of submissions of all kinds, making sure all are handled by producer.
--Scheduling meetings, arranging conference calls, etc.
--Interacting with departments and network executives.
--Interacting with the writers.


--Taking cars in for service/repairs.
--Supermarket shopping.
--Getting lunch, coffee, etc.
--Picking up mail, delivering to office or house.
--Keeping fridge stocked.
--Picking up/dropping off dry cleaning.
--Picking up friends/family from the airport.
--Making doctor, dentist appointments.
--Lots of driving for both personal and business errands (mostly personal).

As you can see, this job is a little bit of everything. Once again, if you're looking for an easy "desk job," this position is NOT for you.


--Upbeat, can-do, pleasant attitude.
--Excellent organizational skills.
--Excellent problem-solving abilities.
--Punctuality (if you don't know what "punctuality" means, don't apply).
--Good computer skills.
--Good emailing skills.
--Good telephone skills.
--Good people skills.
--Willingness to do whatever work needs to be done.
--A reliable car with air-conditioning.
--A cell phone.


--You're depressing or have low energy.
--You're disorganized.
--You're often late.
--You're lazy (PLEASE don't apply if you're lazy).
--You're looking for something easy and low stress.
--You like lots of free time.
--You love to sit around and instant-message your friends during work hours.
--You love to sit around playing on MySpace during work hours.
--You're a clock watcher (this is NOT a "9 to 5" job).


--It's a full-time position. If you're looking for a part-time position, please don't apply.
--The weekly salary would be between $600 and $900 per week, depending upon your level of experience.
--Hours are usually 8:30AM to 7:00PM, but can vary (sometimes less, sometimes more).
--There is usually no weekend work, but it could happen occasionally.
--You will work an average of 50 hours per week.


Q: Will I like working for this guy?
A: That depends. People who are smart and work hard LOVE working for him. People who are lazy and make silly mistakes HATE working for him.

Q: Will I be working with nice people?
A: Yes. The people who work on our productions are fun and nice. It's a very positive environment, largely because this producer is very careful about hiring only excellent, nice people.

Q: Is this boss a yeller? Will he ever shout at me?
A: No. He doesn't yell. He's never abusive or mean. But if you do dumb things, or are lazy, you won't have a good time.

Q: Is there potential for advancement?
A: Sure. If you accept the job, we ask that you work as his personal assistant for at least one year. After a year, we'd try to help you move into whatever area of TV production that interests you. (If you think you might not be able to handle the job for one full year, please don't apply).

Q: Will I have to do a lot of driving?
A: Yes. Tons of driving. If you don't like driving in L.A. traffic, this job isn't for you.

Q: Will I have to do lots of personal errands for my boss?
A. Yes. Absolutely. For sure. Lots of personal errands.

Q: Do I need a laptop computer if I get this job?
A: No. A nice laptop computer would be provided for you.

Q: How many hours will I have to work per week?
A: It varies. It's an average of 50 hours per week. Sometimes more. Sometimes less.

Q: Do I get health benefits?
A. No.

Q: Could I expect to make more money in the future?
A: Sure. If you do really great work you'll get nice raises. If you screw up a lot, you won't.

Q: I've never been a personal assistant before. Does this mean I can't get the job?
A: No. You don't need experience as a personal assistant to get this job. You just need to be smart, hard-working, quick, and great at problem-solving.

Q: I don't live in Los Angeles yet, but I'm moving there soon. Can I still apply?
A: No, please don't. We need someone to start immediately. Also, we need a person who's familiar with the Los Angeles and San Fernando Valley areas.

Q: You seem to be trying to make this job sound unappealing. Why?
A: We're making this job sound very tough because it is. You'll have a lot of things to do each day. Some tasks are mundane and easy. Some are new and challenging. If you're lazy, or weak, or a person who gets easily flustered or stressed, you won't last a month in this job. To handle it, you need to be smart, hard-working, and resourceful.


The best part about this job is that you'd be working very closely with a successful writer/producer in TV and film (mostly kid-related). If you have aspirations to work in the entertainment industry, that's certainly possible in the future. Another good thing is that you'd be working with very nice, excellent professionals. It's a good, positive environment.

The downside... there's a lot of personal errand running. This writer/producer often works 100 hours a week. So, it's very difficult for him to do things like take his car in for repair, buy pet food, or do other personal things of that nature. This is why he needs a personal assistant who is very organized, smart, willing, and capable.

If you're someone who doesn't mind driving around and running errands, then perhaps that part of the job is not such a downside. But, if you're going to resent doing tasks like getting lunch, taking a car to the carwash, picking up pet food, personal shopping, etc... then this is NOT the job for you.


Please think carefully about this job as it's been described. If it sounds like a good fit for your personality and goals, then please email us back to tell us you're interested. Remember: Write 300 to 500 words about yourself, and why you want this job. Our email address is: JobZap@gmail.com

In your email, directly underneath your 300 to 500 words, PASTE your resume. DO NOT send your resume as an attachment. We understand the formatting won't look "pretty" this way (pasted as text), but that doesn't matter. You need to paste your resume in the body of the email, underneath your 300 to 500 words. If you send ANY ATTACHMENT with your email, we're just going to delete it.

Also, please let us know what part of Los Angeles you live in. For example: Sherman Oaks... West Hollywood... Burbank... Studio City... Brentwood... Woodland Hills... etc.

Make the subject line of your email: "Job Sounds Good"

If this job doesn't sound right for you, we thank you for your interest and wish you the best of luck in your pursuits.


Saturday, February 03, 2007

Now I'm As Smooth As a Chocolate Swirl

The year was 1986. I was in first grade. My sister 7 years my senior, owned the 45. It was the first time ever I had a slice of pizza on Superbowl Sunday. And this was the #1 video on MTV. Well, you know for that one day.