Monday, January 31, 2005


SJ GLO - do you like it?? It's my new moniker after my second album "drops" and I break up with Puffy. So my friends, it would appear that yours truly is radioactive. How radioactive you ask? Well let me put it this way: I needed a note from Mount Sinai in case my mother and I got stopped by police on our way over the Triboro Bridge. I apparently am giving off fantastic rays of some nature. Too bad it's not New Years. Surely I would have been attacked by a mob of po-lice on my way to the car. So I swallowed a pill and have to stay away from other humans for the next week. Well it's not as bad as it sounds....really. I mean other than the fact that when I urinate I have to flush twice; the nurse fed me my pill with three rubber gloves and a tweezer; my parents threw my dinner at me like I was a trained seal; the dogs sense the evil and are keeping their distance - all in all it hasn't been that awful. They say that the first 48 hours are the worst. After that people need to stay about an arms length, but see in my family we are all tiny so it should be like two or three arms length. I also cannot be near people for a long extended period of time. Well there goes my one chance to get back in touch with God and go to church. Ah well big fella, there's always Easter. (insert obnoxious snickering here)

Saturday, January 29, 2005

I've Lost That Lovin' Feeling

Okay. I don't know how many more times I can get away with lying about the following: I have never seen "Top Gun". I have only seen brief parts. And the parts in which I have seen bore me to tears - with the exception of the ones that have the stud muffin Kenny Loggins melodious voice singing about being in a "Danger Zone" in the background. I think the reason may be because I have had it in for this film since 1986 when it first came out. My great grandfather died and we were on our way to the burial in my cousins brand spankin' new 86' Suburban. My uncle and dad sat in the front and all us kids sat in the six or seven rows or how many ever the hell those old tanks used to have. My cousin Peter who was probably 14 at the time, had my uncle play the cassette soundtrack in it's entirety - 9 or 10 times. "Take my breath Away" should remind me of a sweet love I once had with some hot lifeguard back in my younger years. Instead it reminds me of traveling to Calverton cemetery to bury my 80 year old great-grandfather. Sweet, right? So thanks Peter for keeping me from watching one of the top ten movies on every guys list. Great. Now who'll want me??!! (insert shake of fist to sky and a dramatic shriek)

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Thyroid: 1 Sara: Nothin'

I know you're all tired of hearing me bitch about how crappy I feel now sans I figured I'd bitch some more!! Hooray!! It's really just my diet I'm on that is driving me up a fucking wall. I've decided to cook myself yet again this week - steak and steamed white rice. Keep in mind that the movers are due here at 8 am tomorrow, so I'd better cook that shit, rewash, and repack the pans fast.

I go over to The Food Emporium (which I must say I will miss) and on my way back while freezing my ass off, am reminded about a phone call I had earlier today where my sister happened to mention that it was "so nice out" in Miami. Well it must have been like 75 degrees she noticed. Had I had one of those picture phones, she would have been the perfect candidate for getting the middle finger and devil horns.

Head Case

I just got back from the doctor. Not the one I'm in love with. Gosh no. Had it been him I'd still be dancing around my apartment with my broom to "On the Street Where You Live" . I went to my primary care doctor because I woke up at 3:30 am with a sinus infection affecting the entire left side of my head. My teeth hurt, my gums hurt, my ear hurt - everything. I'm beginning to feel like Job. You know - the guy in the bible who asks god how much more stuff can one person handle?? I mean come on! I do try to remain positive but it's almost comical at this point. So on top of packing, moving, not really eating thanks to my low iodine diet - I now have to spray nasal spray every few hours up my nostrils. Not to mention the fact that I will be RADIOACTIVE for a week. I'm sorry? Huh? Yes, you read correctly.

I've already asked my mom to fetch me the purtiest bubble suit - complete with pink bow and satin gloves upon my arrival on Monday. Surely I'll be the cutest looking bubble girl out there.**

**No. I do not really need to be in a bubble suit - if I did I would have ended my life a long time ago.

Sing it Child

I had a friend who in high school was obsessed with Tori Amos. In fact I can't listen to a song on "Little Earthquakes" without thinking of her and her obsession. I wasn't that deep as a 16 year old. I liked songs that I could sing along with - like The Cranberries and Dave Matthews. Tori's songs had proven to be much too difficult unless I was on my way home from a voice lesson. Then I could really hit that shit.

So back to me being deep or something. I'm trying to burn CD's since like an idiot, I left my ipod charger at my parents. So I'm putting all my Tori downloads onto cd to then burn onto my parents computer. And yes, this is highly important at midnight. Anywho, I'm re-listening to a bunch of her songs in a row when it occurs to me that for the first time in 10 years, I actually understand what she means when she says "Girls you've got to know when its time to turn the page. When you're only wet because of the rain." Why Tori! I never!

I hate to say but I agree with her.

There's Got To Be a Morning After

I am in the depths of packing hell. Okay it actually hasn't been that bad to be honest. Still, anyone who ever said moving was fun and easy must be shot. I swore the last time I moved, that I'd pay people to come and do this. That was a year and a half ago. I must have thought that by some off chance at this point I'd either be making a shit load of cash or win the lotto (at the very least a scratch off). This is not the case. I have all of my stuff going into storage for one month while I rest up and continue to get better. Then March 1st - like a bat out of hell, so will be my belongings.

New favorite playlist in no particular order:
1) Sunshine - Keane
2) What it Takes - Aerosmith
3) Karma - Alicia Keyes
4) Mr Brightside - The Killers
5) Last Beautiful Girl - Matchbox 20
6) Cool - Gwen Stefani
7) Don't Wanna Fall in Love - Jane Child
8) Baker Baker - Tori Amos
9) This is It - Kenny "the fox" Loggins
10) Coming Around Again - Carly Simon

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Carbon on my mind

My friend Becky told me this morning that her mom almost died from Carbon Monoxide poisoning.

Cut to: 1 o'clock this afternoon. I'm eating left over steak and white rice when I begin to get really sleepy. In a panic I open all the windows of my apartment and called my mom asking if I too may have carbon monoxide poisoning. She then reminded me that my entire thyroid was removed and that I'm tired for the same reason I've been tired since January 5th.

Thanks Val. Thanks.

That was a close one.

There's Something Wrong With

I've decided to add a new column on a weekly basis about all the things I find to be wrong in this world at this very moment.

There's Something Wrong With............

1) Leanne Rimes' face. Is it me or did she have veneers put on? Botox? Lost the baby fat? She has looked different to me since she and Reba did that "Diet Dr. Pepper" commercial.

2) MTV's head of programming. "My Sweet 16" is easily the most irritating thing on television, and yet it's a guilty pleasure of mine to watch these little kids brilliantly say things like "I'm the princess today!!" , "This $75, 000 party will help me to have friends since I'm a total loser" , or my personal favorite "My mom's a drunk who will try to have sex with the cute boy I like".

3) Kelly Ripa. Sorry Ripa, I like you and think that you're cute, but you're getting too thin. Are you doing coke? Are you not eating? Are you an exercise bulimic? You also in my opinion happen to think that you are the cutest, most adorable thing out on television - no one puts Katie Couric in the corner - NO ONE. So step off bitch.

4) Ted McGinley getting better and better looking. This man is like my mom's age and yet I wouldn't mind dating him. That in itself is just plain wrong.

5) Guiliana from E! She has that Winnie Cooper look of just being hit in the face with a frying pan. I've heard Jerry O'Connell cheated on her and now I can see why. Eat a cheeseburger you mutt!

6) Kate Bosworth weighing only 7 pounds and no one doing a damn thing about it. Kate, you looked great in "Blue Crush" - now you just look like something slinky that hangs in my closet but I'll never put on since it's too small for my fat ass. Have a protein shake. Lift a weight. Eat a double cheeseburger.

7) Jamie Foxx being nominated for two Academy Awards. Why doesn't the Academy just give him a bj while they're at it.

8) Me being attracted to Morgan Freeman. But not in a sexual way. More like a "Gee one day I hope he and I can work together" . Even if it involves me fetching his robe and slippers.

9) Paul Giamatti NOT BEING NOMINATED. WHAT??!!

10) "Sex and the City" on TBS. It doesn't have the same flashy appeal it holds when watching the DVD's or On Demand. I need to hear the f-words. Although I could do without seeing Kim Cattrall's boobs every three minutes.

11) Me turning into Norma Desmond. I swear I'm three seconds from having a dead body floating in a pool, and having a pet tiger. Sometimes for no reason I'll wrap a turban around my head, wear my big flashy glasses, and stomp around my apartment dramatically exclaiming sentences like "If only things were different, I could have been something!!" while clinging to a glass of Sprite and pretending it's vodka on the rocks.

12) Me screaming at the television while watching "The Amazing Race" and cheering on my favorite team to win (Kris and John aka: "Team Baby") and hissing like a snake at the other teams.

And last but certainly not least...

13) Ashlee Simpson's singing career. It just doesn't add up.

Monday, January 24, 2005

My TV Boyfriend

Dear Mark,

You are very handsome. And smart. And funny. And athletic. You are the perfect TV boyfriend. You entertain me enough to make me want to see you again next week. You're a little older, wiser, and you gave up your chance to win 60 grand to Eric 'The Grinder" Neiss, because you are a good friend. If things do not work out with Robyn, why don't you not collect another MTV vixen and instead pass Go into my arms. But if you end up being really chodie, then I'm gonna have to ask that you get on the next flight back to LA.

Your secret admirer,

I Break For Keane

Jesus Christ. If none of you have bothered to listen to Keane's new album "Hopes and Fears" then I demand that you get on that shit fast people. For the love of god, their music is like summer rain falling on the roof of your beach house, sweet candy roses, and the hug you've longed to get and feared wouldn't be enough* one word, or rather phrase, they make me 'silly with gee'. (both literally and figuratively) No joke. I want these guys to come perform at my wedding, my bat mizvah, my sweet sixteen, my retirement party. I feel about them, the way in which I once felt about a young Robbie Williams. I want to do them in the sense of the word do and still ask them to play me "Sunshine" when they are thru. I am in fact a fucking crazy loon. But I don't care. They make me happy!! And who doesn't want to be happy??!!

BTW - Members of Keane if you happen to read this: run - don't walk to the nearest payphone and call me. I will cross mountains, rivers, and volcanoes to hear your melodic tunes. Except if I'm hungry or have plans, then we'll have to do a raincheck of sorts. I LOVE YOU. You complete me.

* Yeah I'm still probably drunk from last night.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

I Wish You'd Bring Some of Your Lovin' Home to Me....

But my girl wants to party all the time. Party all the time. Party all the tiiiime.

Every so often I will turn on VH1 Classics and see how many songs in a row I know by heart. Yes, my life is that sad. But it really isn't that hard when they play the following five songs consecutively:
1) Toy Soldiers - Martika
2) Crazy for You - Madonna from "Vision Quest" with Matthew Modine who I'd enjoy being stuck in a car with during a blizzard (pending that we would receive help before freezing to death) but he'd have to look how he did back in '84. I don't want any of that old man shit on top of me.
3) Party All The Time - by the incomparable Eddie Murphy
4) Sugar Walls - which when I was younger I thought was about a candy store...Not a vagina but thanks for playing Sheena Easton - you perv.
5) Push It - Salt n Pepa

Should I be worried that I have a better chance of knowing the lyrics to songs on VH1 classic instead of the regular VH1? Am I getting that old, that at some point I'm going to be listening to "oldies" stations while driving my kids in our Volvo and exclaiming, "You know your mom made out with Andrew Elsas to this Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch song" while my daughter tries to tie a noose around her neck??

Saturday, January 22, 2005

The Blizzard Effect

Blizzards make people do the darndest things. They make you spend $300 on enough groceries to last you a month, when all you really need is enough for a night, maybe two. They make you cancel plans, change plans, stay home. They make you buy MacGyver like survival tools (matches, candles, batteries, tarps, rope) and yet you live in a high rise building in Midtown. My survival skills are less than mediocre I'd say. Sure I went out at 10am to buy myself $40 worth of groceries, but that's mainly in part due to the fact that I am still on this damn low-iodine diet. Take out isn't an option for me. I guess I don't worry about the lights going out, 50 mph winds, or being snowed in if I live in a high rise and have a doorman to do the shoveling for me. I don't drive. I have cable, internet, and my cell phone. What else really do I need? I have friends that are close enough that if we all get bored we can meet at a bar or go to one another's apartments. But I think what I enjoy most about a blizzard is how it can turn the most normal person into a deranged psycho.

Witness, the 30 year old brother of one of my friends, has been dating this girl for a few months. She really likes him, he has luke warm feelings for her. After contemplating whether or not he likes her, he decides to give her another shot and invites her over last night. Then he finds out about the blizzard. Now he is freaking out. He knows she'll probably stay over but doesn't want her to be stuck there and have to hang out with her for the entire weekend while being snowed in. And then....he loses it. Desperate for a way out, he lies and tells her that he's going skiing last minute and has to leave at 6am this morning. He even goes as far as to pack a bag with his ski clothes and leaves it by the front door. AND IT WORKED!! She got out of there at 5:30 this morning and probably even offered to make him breakfast (that poor girl). He now of course feels terrible, but admits that he wasn't thinking and went into survival mode. Could he survive being with only her for the next 24 hours?? The answer: Not a chance in hell.

Another example is one that I myself am not proud to admit but shamelessly must confess: During the winter of '96 (back in high school), I was hanging out with some guy I went to school with. He was nice enough, cute enough, but it just wasn't something I really wanted at the time. We got snowed in and he offered to come over and hang out with me (how nice of him). So he came in his little Honda and managed to stay ALL DAY. By 7:30 the snow was really coming down and I had had enough of him. I wanted him out. Out of my home and at this point, out of my life. So I turned to him and said, "Hey do you think you'll be able to get home tonight?" He answered, "Well maybe if I leave now, but I don't mind staying longer." I pretended to be so concerned about him and his safety that I choked back tears and said, "I just don't want you to get hurt". He wiped a fake tear from my eye and said he'd be on his way. OKAY! I threw all his stuff at him and opened the front door, all but pushing him face first into a pile of snow. After 20 minutes of watching him shovel out his car and push it up my parent's hill, I got bored and called some friends.

Sorry folks - I went into survival mode.

Friday, January 21, 2005

The Word of the Day is....

Quidnunc. I am a self proclaimed quidnunc. I am convinced that the word quidnunc was invented for someone who in her high school year book used the quote, "Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't".

Now onto unrelated news: I am having the hardest time writing my sketches. Why must I be the ultimate procrastinator? I fear that my lack of discipline will be the death of me, and that I'll end up sitting in a cubicle for the rest of my life doing either of these two things, 1) spreadsheets for some bo-bo company I could give two craps for, and/or 2) the entertainment writer for "The Northport Observer" , where I'll be required to review the junior high and high school musicals. KILL ME NOW.

Never one to have a paper or project done early, I have been like this my whole life. What can I say, I work best under pressure. I remember back in college having to write a 15 page paper on "Apocalypse Now" , which was due the day after my 19th birthday. I came in at 3am drunk off my ass and wrote the most ridiculous paper that won me a B+. I was feeding myself coffee grinds, and asking my roommate to punch me in the arm everytime I'd get tired. Since then I have changed my ways somewhat (because those punches can leave bruises). But OY VEY, am I always going to be like this?? And most importantly, is it really a crime though if it means that I end up writing some good shit under pressure? (Cue Bowie right now)

Thursday, January 20, 2005

My Baby's Got a Secret...

Who just cleaned her apartment to channel 637, and stopped to perform "Adelaides Lament" From "Guys and Dolls" for her armoire??? This one.

Who just flung clothes all over her bedroom during an obnoxious rendition of "Big Spender" ?? Yup. This one.

Who clearly needs to thrust herself back into civilization before all is lost?? Uh huh. This one.

Sara Is Hungry

Yesterday my doctor put me on a very strict low-iodine diet. This means that I cannot eat anything. No seriously. When I tell people that and they want to know, "well what's everything?", I tell them to think of every type of food out there (feel free to include all take out, fast food, and restaurants). Now out of all the food in the world, here is what I CAN have (keeping in mind that all of the food listed below CANNOT come from a restaurant or take out):
pasta made with oil or a fresh homemade tomato sauce (no canned)
Rice (steamed)
Fresh meat, chicken
canned tuna
wheat or rye bread
drip or percolator coffee
fresh or frozen fruits and vegetables

Now that may not sound bad, but picture it: Noon. I'm at my apartment ready to eat my own hand, when I come across soup (nope can't have it) Mac and Cheese? (nope can't have it) and tuna (yes I can but not with anything it in). Have you ever had a tuna sandwich with just tuna on whole wheat?? It's like paste in your mouth. This would be awesome if I were 6 years old. But I'm not.

Sara can you have cereal in the morning? Nope, because I can't have milk with it.
How about dry cereal then? Please see my comments on the dry tuna and wheat toast.

BUT the good news is that it's only for one week. But so help me god, if I gain one pound as a result of this vicious healthy lifestyle - my thyroid shall pay! YES IT SHALL PAY! AND...oh wait, it's not even there anymore. Dammit. Well then my doctor shall pay!! YES HE SHALL - er um.....okay that doesn't really make sense...he's just trying to make me feel better.

Hmm, okay then you guys are gonna have to pay by listening to me gripe. I apologize ahead of time for this.

The silver lining in the cloud?? I can and WILL drink alcohol. Bartender, I'll have your finest bottle of gin (Beefeaters anyone???) and tonic water please. And I'm pretty sure I can have the lime!

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Didn't We Almost Have It All?

I am sad right now. I had this wonderful dream that I won this sick ass $75,000 Range Rover, sold it, and used the cash to buy myself an apartment. See - even in my dreams I'm a genius. But it was one of those dreams where you start to realize during the dream that it couldn't possibly be real life. Like me being in an elevator on my way to my doctor's office with a group of friends who were all dressed up like clowns AND Rip Taylor. Yes. The Rip Taylor. As in the confetti throwing-flamboyant-friend of Charles Nelson Riley. It turned out that Rip Taylor sold me the Range Rover and wanted to go away on vacation with me. I kept trying to run away from him, but he kept reappearing like magic, right in front of me. Then I told him that I loved him and he backed away. Slowly. Nice.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Rock Me Like A Hurricane.

Should I go away in April? I'm a bit tempted to. I don't want to go on the usual trip to some island and eat and drink all inclusively. I want to be more adventurous (that's right you heard it here first) and while I will enjoy the occasion romp in the waves and day at the beach, I wouldn't mind hiking or doing such activities which help me to stay fit and be active. Ummm, was I just hit over the head with a frying pan? I mean come on, Sara be active while on vacation??! I didn't think it would ever be possible. I suppose I could take advantage of the places where Hurricanes Francis and Ivan came crashing down. Or I could always travel to Thailand and try to steer clear of the parts of the island where hundreds of thousands died....hmm....

Here are the places I either have a chance to travel to (because I know people who will be there)or am thinking about going to:
Hong Kong

Here is the amount of money I'd like to spend:
Next to nothing which probably leaves me soaking in the rays and kayaking on the Hudson River. Well, at least I won't have to pack much. A hee. Hee. Cough. Cough. (awkward silence)

Projectile Vomit

I am ashamed to admit this, but I watched "The Bachelorette" last night. I didn't mean to but I did. It was sort of like a car crash. You don't want to look, but you have to see what's holding up the traffic on the LIE.

Listen, I'm sure you expect me to sit here and bash Jen Sheft, her 20 male suitors, and the very existence of finding love on a reality show. But I don't hate the players - I just hate the game. I actually give her credit for going on national television and saying, "I am desperate. Help me ABC to find a husband!" I don't think I could ever go through with it. Especially since most of the guys are chodes who talk about how great their moms are in the hopes that you'll go to bed with them. Shit if I needed that then I'd just head over to Sutton Place and meet some 28 year old stockbroker from Teaneck, who'll buy me glasses of red wine while he yammers on and on about how much money he has and what sort of facial products he uses. Save it douche, this broad's not interested.

I do have to laugh though, because it's so incredibly melodramatic and the guys are all so creepy. Some yes, are cute but only in that date-rapey way. You know, the sort of guy who's too good-looking for his own good and quotes poems he wrote, then tries to slip a mickey into your gin and tonic. I've seen it a hundred times, mainly thanks to reality TV. Oh and to make matters worse, the best looking guy who would have gotten my vote, was a 29 year old motivational speaking virgin. Jen didn't pick him and neither would I. It's too much torture to date a guy who's only been to second base. I'd feel like I was in 8th grade again dating Jimmy Maloney. No thanks. I'll pass.

Monday, January 17, 2005

Music to My Ears

I've heard that during times of war most soldiers listen to rap and heavy metal to get geared up for killing the enemy. I myself am in my own little battlefield (and not one made of love, but thanks Pat Benetar). It's called my parents basement and I'm shifting through boxes and boxes of complete shit from my formative years that at one time I deemed "necessary for keeping". Well I no longer feel that way about most of it. I mean how important is it to keep a trapper keeper from my 9th grade musical, "The Pajama Game"??! Is it really necessary to still have the lyrics to "Hey There" and "I'm Not at All in Love"?? I think not.

Stuff I will hold onto for now:

-Photos and photo albums

-Cheesy love letters from my 6th grade boyfriend

- An article courtesy of the NY Times from my freshman year at Marymount that has my big fat mug on the cover of the Metro section grimacing at a cockroach in my dorm room. It's priceless. Plus it's right before I put on the legendary freshman 8 which to a girl who barely reaches 5 feet is like the freshman 15 so there.

- Then there are the cute cards from my first love in college which I read and ask myself why I broke up with him in the first place, then remember I was 19 and that he worked in a gas station (we were destined to fail) Also, letters from some kid in 8th grade who wanted to be my first love but I kept refusing telling him that I was saving myself for my real love, "Christian Bale". Sad.

So there I sit amongst tattered love letters and bent photographs, shot glasses from the exotic places I've traveled to (like Las Vegas...oooh ahhh...and Atlantic City...oooh ahh) and I simply cannot forget all of my "acting memorabilia". Holy Christ. If no one ever knew that I did acting when I was younger then you'll know for sure now. I have comedy and tragedy masks, posters from musicals like "Cats" and "The Goodbye Girl", and of course numerous pins and signs that say gay things like, "You're going Out There a Chorus Girl Kid, But You're Coming back a Star" and my personal favorite "ACTRESS". You know just in case anyone forgot what I wanted to be when I got older. So gay. So gay.

If I were in a real battle I'm sure I'd have a few rap and heavy metal songs. But mainly I'd have an Ipod full of Air Supply and Journey, because nothing gets me in the mood for killing like "All out of Love" and "Separate Lives".

So, the next time you hear me even humming one of those aforementioned songs - you run for the hills people. I take no prisoners.

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Golden Showers....

OF AWARDS THAT IS!! Who's silly and zany with her innuendos? This one.

Okay, here are my predictions for who should win and who probably will win a Golden Globe tonight:

Best Drama-
Will: The Aviator
Should: who cares I've seen none of these but heard 'Aviator' was good from friends, and that "Hotel Rwanda" was AMAZING according to Tony Danza. So you be the judge okay?

Best Actress-Drama
Okay let's make one thing clear. I do enjoy the Globes because of the mixture of television and film, yet I cannot stand how many categories they have. It's painful to type and even more painful to watch. Any who:
Will: Hillary Swank
Should: I'll tell you who shouldn't - Imelda Staunton. Who the hell is she? And will we honestly give two shits about what she's wearing?? I think she's my Nana's age...that is if Nana were still alive (insert soft sobbing)

Best Actor - Drama
Will: Don Cheadle
Should: Leo. Oh come on he's a good enough actor. I'm not sure about you, but I saw this kid's talent shine through when he was upstaging Alan Thicke and Kurt Cameron on "Growing Pains"...oh yeah and Jeremy Miller who played "Ben". Well that's not really hard considering that Andrew Koening("Boner") could always upstage "Ben".

Best Film - Comedy or Musical
Will: Sideways
Should: Sideways. It's official Paul Giamatti is nothing short of lovely in this film. I could do without Payne's wife. I mean she was alright, but it could have honestly been played by anyone. Oh well, she's boning the guy so I guess she deserves a little something.

Best Actress - Comedy...
Will: Annette Benning because I don't think she did for "American Beauty". Or maybe she did and didn't win the Oscar? Whatever. Again didn't see it but I've heard and read that she's won other awards. These things usually happen in patterns.
Should: Kate Winslet was really cute in "Eternal Sunshine..."

Best Actor - Comedy...
Will/Should: Jamie Foxx for "Ray". I think it needs to go to Paul or Jim Carey but I say this because I saw both of their films. But I'm fearful if one of them do win and Foxx doesn't, then we have to deal with a very angry Star Jones quite possible marching her fat ass upstage and eating one of them.

Best Foreign Language Film
Will: Is "Life is Beautiful" nominated again? It's really the only foreign language film I've ever seen so to me it should be nominated every year. Well unless we count "Death To Smoochy" because I watched in while I was in Japan in Japanese. Then I had a seizure.

Best Supporting Actress....and so on.
Will/Should: Sara doesn't care anymore let's move onto television. Something I know a little more about

Best TV Drama
Will: I'm guessing they'll give it to "Lost" because it's new. They always seem to give to the newest show.
Should: I don't know, but what I would like to know is where "One Tree Hill" is?? Why that wasn't even considered is beyond me.

Best Actress - Drama
Will: I think it'll go to Christine Lahti because they want to know if she'll disappear to the bathroom like she did five years ago when she won one.
Should: To me, Edie knocks it out of the park everytime. But I also happen to love her because she's from my home town and her mom is the waitress at the Greek restaurant here.

Best Actor - Drama
Will: Hmm...I'd like to see James Spader get up there because I still have a crush on him from when he played Seth in "Pretty in Pink".
Should: whatever

Best Actress - TV Comedy
Will: Maybe Terri Hatcher since she is sort of the star of the show more so than the others
Should: I love Marcia Cross. I loved her even when she was the psycho on "Melrose Place"
Shouldn't Ever: Debra Messing. She's lucky she's surrounded by other comedic actors, writers, and Megan Mullally.

Best TV Series - Comedy
Will: "Desperate Housewives"
Should: Hands down "Arrested Development". I'm hoping it does so that I can see David Cross's lovely face in the Access Hollywood backstage area , lurking behind Nancy O'Dell and making rude gestures. "Ooooh love to love you David"

Best Actor - TV Comedy
Will: I'm hoping for a face off between Jason Bateman and Charlie Sheen (with me in between). Now there's a wet dream waiting to happen....WHAT THE! Who said that??!!!!!
Should: mmm Jason and Charlie circa 1986...mmmmm


I had a dream last night that I made out with Dr. Genden. And it was at a high school party. And I showed up with him: he in a lab coat, me in a blue taffeta dress reminiscent of my sister Melissa's 8th grade graduation dress. We were in my friend Kelly's house and she was making out with Matt Wade, my boyfriend from 5th grade. (but the adult version who now bartends at the local town bar) I am thinking that I may need to escape my parents house soon and head back into my apartment. Sigh.

Also - I have a new crush but I will not give up the details just yet until it is confirmed whether or not he has a lady in his life. If that's the case then I shall respect that and only stalk from afar. After all, I'm no cockblocker.

PS. Topher Grace - you look like an angel when you sleep.

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Just Walk Away Sara J....

I think I was 5 when the song, "Sara" by Jefferson Starship (or maybe it was the Airplane) came out. I remember watching the video with my sisters and being told that the song was about me. Now 21 years later (yikes I'm old) I've found the lyrics and find it only appropriate to make copies and pass them out at my wedding to the row of exes who will sit in the back and hopefully weep. Yes. Then I'll wake up and remember that I don't really keep in touch with them and that I'm not getting married. So...well....I'll have 10 copies of "Sara" sitting in a folder somewhere.

Back to my point (and I thought I had one) is that when I was younger I wasn't content with just one Sara song. So I'd turn other songs named after females into a song about a Sara.

Some examples of my fine work include:
"Rosanna" by Toto - In my world it went "Meet you all the way, Sara A"
"Just Walk Away Renee" was now, "Just walk away Sara J, you won't see me follow you back home"
became "Sara J. Sara J. You're always on the run now"
Even rap song lyrics weren't safe. LL Cool J's "Round the Way Girl" mentions a bevy of names which include Lisa, Angela, Pamela, Renee but I only heard LL singing "Lisa, Angela, Pamela, Sara J. I love you. You're from around the way"

Now it's not like any old song can have a Sara A or Sara J thrown in for good measure (although in my mind I think they should). An example of this would be the 1989 New Kids on the Block hit, "Please Don't Go Girl". It never flowed quite nicely with "Please don't go Sara A. It would ruin my whole world"

So what have we learned besides the fact that I'm a narcissist (shut up it's perfectly normal to want to walk down the aisle to "Sara Smile" ), and that the name Renee can be substituted with Sara J or Sara A? Not much. Listen people this is a blog not a lesson plan. Sorry if I've bored with my ranting. But the next time you hear a song with another girl's name in it you try it! And by try it I don't mean with your own name, I mean mine!

Love your friend,
The Narcissist

Friday, January 14, 2005

I Love You. I Honestly Love You

I am in love with my doctor. It was bound to happen. Oh it's a very innocent school girl sort of crush. It occurred to me this morning while doing some writing and listening to Olivia Newton John's, "Hopelessly Devoted To You" . My mother just recently remembered how much she enjoys ONJ's music, so she downloaded a bunch of her songs. I am now listening to them as I type.

So I'm in love with Dr. Genden. Lucky for me he appears to be single (no wedding band) and is young enough so that it's not Billy Joelish sort of creepy. (I'm guessing he's in his late 30's) I'm so in love that I'm thinking of the next time we meet - maybe I'll wear my hair pulled back and more lip gloss. Maybe I'll wear my cute black top. Or maybe I'll remind myself that this man did see me in all my glory on top of an operating table, in a hospital nightie, matching booties, and breathing tube down my throat. Oooh how attractive he must find me. On second thought maybe I'll just show up wearing a tiara and prom dress and ask that he slip the corsage I brought onto my hand. Then while he's telling me about the levels of my thyroid hormones, I will ask him to slow dance as I hum, "I Love you. I Honestly Love You".

The Fog is Getting Thicker....and Sara's Getting Larger

Update: Today there was a lot of fog. So much fog that when we were driving into the city on the 59th street bridge I couldn't see the city. Yeah. That foggy.

In other related news: my jeans feel tight and I am unsure whether the chicken cutlet, meatballs, almonds, orange and chocolate donut that I just had for dinner were too much for my waist to handle.

Coming Up: Sara gets tired again and watches "Will & Grace".

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Brad and Jen: A Nation Mourns

I'm glad this sun-kissed twosome are going their separate ways: Jen off to make more films, Brad to Angelina's bed. Sigh. My favorite part of this entire spectacle, is the media's attention towards their breakup. "BIGGER THAN THE TSUNAMI - BRAD & JEN CALL IT QUITS". Really? Is it really that much bigger than 150, 000 people losing their lives to a tidal wave? In Hollywood and Us Weekly land - it tis'!

Seeing as I have nothing to do besides nap, recoup, and watch Access Hollywood, I thought I'd fill you guys in on some fun facts about America's Prettiest Pair. YAWN.

Factoid #1 - Brad is hot
Factoid #2 - Jen is too!
Factoid #3 - At some point he wants to have kids and she's sort of "I suppose so.." about them
Factoid #4 - Brad made a movie last year with Angelina & one with George Clooney!
Factoid #5 - They have a big home
Factoid #6 - Brad likes cheese
Factoid #7 - Jen likes to wear jeans
Factoid #8 - Brad looks hot even when he's wearing a t-shirt that says "trash" on it
Factoid #9 - Jennifer's dad is on a soap opera!
Factoid #10 - They were once married

So, what have we learned after the fall of their relationship?? Absolutely nothing. It's like that age old question I once asked an owl who was sitting perched on a tree branch outside the window of the bedroom I used to share with my sister Aimee. I turned to him and said, "Mr Owl - how many licks does it take to get to the center of the Tootsie Roll pop?" The owl took his claw and grabbed hold of my popsicle stick and put it to his mouth and said, "A one, A Two, A Thrreee!". Then my mom came in and screamed and shoo'ed him away because she thought the owl gave me rabies.

Moral of the story - the world may never know.....and probably doesn't really care.

Newsflash: Hundreds of thousands still dead from the Tsunami.

You know just in case you forgot. But enough about that...Let's see who Nancy O'Dell and Billy Bush** predict will be the major winners at this weekend's Golden Globes ceremony!

**Go f-yourselves Nancy O'Dell & Billy Bush

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Meds and E! and Reality TV

Random thoughts and please excuse me as this could be the pills and absence of my thyroid talking:

1) I've decided that the one thing missing from my high school experience was Charlie Sheen's character in "Lucas".

2) I know most guys love Jennifer Garner, but let us not forget people - she was once a band geek who wore big fat ugly glasses!!!! (and Sara did theater) All I'm saying is Jen and I, we get prettier as we get older. Insane. Sorry. Sara keeps getting more and more insane.

3) Why the fuck is Arissa still on "Battle of the Sexes II" ??!! Why the fuck won't anyone make her a god damn leader so her bony ass can get kicked off??!!
Side Note: Brad from "Season 14: San Diego" why the fuck won't you return any of my calls??

4) I hate Tony Danza almost as much as I hate Star Jones. And to think that people thought The Sopranos were a poor portrayal of Italian-Americans. I would much rather have my family seen as a bunch of tough talking-spaghetti eating-mobsters than some washed up-botox riddled-tap dancing madman!! Beat it Tony. As of 1992 you are no longer the "boss". Now take a seat.

5) That the Free Pizza on Tuesdays at Pizza Hut ironically makes me want to take advantage of such an offer on a Friday night. Like after I've come home staggering from a bar and feel like filling my fat face with two cheese pizzas and cheesy bread sticks.

6) I get winded walking up a flight of stairs, take four different forms of medicine a day, and have been taking long naps. I get excited when my mom takes me for rides in the car to CVS. It's official: I am a 93 year old man.

7) I shamelessly must admit that I like J Lo's new song "Get Right". Oh yeah and so does my mom.

8) I think the people on the "Biggest Loser" look amazing, but next time I would like to see faster "Swan"-like results. Two words: gastric bypass.

9) I've forgotten what alcohol tastes like.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

I Can See Clearly Now Some Pain Is Gone

Okay, so it's no surprise that surgery is the opposite of a good time. But what I can't understand is how some can enjoy being in a drug induced coma, sticking needles in their arms all for the sake of a brand new pair of ta ta's. Not I my friends. Not I.

Sadly, I don't have a new Tara Reid sized Double D chest. But I have something much more important...or rather something that isn't as I am thyroidless!! Who knew that this butterfly shaped gland could be the root cause of so much angst and drama for one Miss Sara Jo for the past several months. I am happy to report that all is well as I am feeling better with each and every passing day. Obviously still on more meds that I'd like to be, and had a minor scare there with what they found, but within the next several weeks I'll just be getting my treatments, taking meds, and watching my stories, try not to gain weight (seeing as I now have no thyroid!) and catch up on my reading.

I'll also have more than the usual tons of time to devote to my blog, which means that you my friend are in for a real treat of a month as I complain and gripe about everything from television programming, feeling sick, being tired, my low calcium, more television programming, and the occasional outburst about something I saw on television.

Here's hoping by the time all is said and done I won't look like Star BA (Before Al) and have to resort to wearing mumus and drawstring for attire.

But I did want to thank you guys for the calls, sweet emails, and much love you have shown to me. I promise to use my time wisely and get better and hopefully manage to update my blog as much as possible.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005


Hey guys,

I'm on my way to the hospital right now for my operation. Everytime I say that, I picture the board game "Operation" and I pray that the doctor can get all my bones out without setting off the buzzers.

Seriously though, thanks so much for all the support and nice messages and emails you've sent. I'm not super excited to hvae surgery but it seems its for the best, so for that I'll try to rile myself up.

Anywho, I love you all and will be in touch in a few days when I'm feeling a bit better.


Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Star Jones is fat and her husband is gay.

I don't watch "The View", but I don't have to in order to despise Star Jones' fat arse. Is she the first woman ever to have gotten married, gone on a honeymoon and marry a gay man?? No. Liza did it before you Star, and with great flourish. I'd much rather hear about Liza and David's honeymoon, then listen to you go on and on about how wonderful and "magical" your love for Al is. That's not "magical" it's "denial". Denial to see that this man is marrying you only so that he can continue to romp it up gay style with unlimited credit cards, Benzes, and all the shirts from Paul Smith his heart desires. You on the other hand, I am hoping received a blow up doll or a vibrator at one of your fifteen "Holy Shit Star is Getting Married to a Gay Man??!!" bridal showers. You are going to need em'.

Am I bitter? God, no. In fact if I was Al and knew I could get away with being a closet gay and sleeping with my trainer while having a cow shower me with gifts and affection, I'd probably marry her too. I'd let her have her website (; her time to shine infront of the likes of such guests as : Denzel Washington, Holly Robinson Pete, Vivica Fox, and Regis Philbin; and her photo albulm.

To be honest, when I first heard that bitter bloated troll was getting married, I was happy for her. I'm happy for anyone who can find love in this crazy business (ah yes, see I'm part of this "biz" because I just made myself to feel included and cool). But then, when I heard about her getting everything for free, hogging "The View" spot light from the comedic stylings of Joy Behar and the occassional "I love God and my football player husband" random outbursts from that little sprite, Elizabeth Haselback - well then I can take no more. A person really only has so much patience.

So Star, if you are reading this....Which I know you are not, I beg of you - please wake up and smell the Gucci cologne on Al's collar (when he wears Michael Korrs) and STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR WEDDING.

Friends and loved ones, if I ever get this pathetic that I marry a gay man and then brag about it every chance I get - please feel free to hit me over the head with frying pans and pipes.

Sunday, January 02, 2005

All is Quiet on New Years Day.

I swear I wanted to write something yesterday, but due to the overabundance of alcohol in my system I really could only handle laying on the couch watching "Remaking Vince Neil" and "The Battle of the Sexes" marathon. Ah yes. And I also went down to Chinatown with my good pal Annie, where we had ourselves a glutinous feast of spare ribs, rice, chicken, wontons and dumplings to name a few. We slept until 2pm after coming in at 6am (totally acceptable) and decided that chinese food was going to be our remedy for battling the infamous New Years Day hang over. It surely was. We inhaled the food before us and didn't come up for air once.

So. New Years Eve. My god what fun it was. We started at the home of a very wealthy girl who's obviously never heard of an interior decorator (might I suggest one Annie Chessin). I wasn't there three seconds when I spotted my first D level celeb of the night, Sarah the "bulimic slut" from "the Real World Philly" . She made sure her presence was known as she made out with pretty much everyone in the room sans me, Annie, Danielle and maybe one guy who already had his head in between some girls boobs. Fancy!

We then ventured over to some club that someone's cousin owned 2% of, and we got in only to find ourselves at gay night. Had it just been us three ladies it may have been an issue but we were luckily with a group of straight men. After downing as many drinks as we could, we all went to another house party on 70th and 5th. We're talking Rockefeller mansion - 7 floors, maids, the works. I expected Punjab to answer the door. We stopped by every floor for a free drink from the bars they had set up there and I may or may not have tried to take a bottle of Absolute to the next floor, when a man who resembled Nigel Powers tried to pry it from my hand. Class act - all the way! I remember a montage of events beginning with another D level celeb sighting, me holding a heavy bronzed statue of a horse and asking people to "tap that ass", and of course me loudly exclaiming, "Where is the Master of the House, Richie Rich and his dog Dollar??!!". No one was really enjoying my material aside from the people I was with. (thank god for them) At some point the alcohol set in because I was holding court in a bathroom talking about random things, when I launched into a tsunami joke - SCREETCH. The music stopped playing and everyone looked at me with disgust. What? Too soon?? Someone kindly pointed out that I may want to wait until they've reached the final death toll. Sigh. Okay. I'll wait.

The rest of the night becomes a blur but I do remember picking up these art deco "hands" that were probably made of gold and running around asking people if they needed a hand, did they want to shake my hand, and to hand me a drink. I thought I was HI-larious.

Well I'm off to go scribble down some more tasteless jokes for my show in Hell next week!

Ciao for now!