Sunday, April 30, 2006

I Wonder If I Take You Home - The Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam Version Thank You Very Much

I spent Friday night at the Rent Benefit Party for Peter and his fiance Kim. There were laughs galore, and some beer shotgunning in the form of Coors Light tall boys in the bathroom. Obviously one classy evening. I went to bed pretty early, but that's becaUse I had to save up the energy for my Big Brooklyn Friendships Dance Party the following eve. (hosted by my tuna)

Special thanks to the dj who traveled there in a time machine from a 1987 block party on 128th Street. Anyone who can play Mary J's latest, then Lisa Lisa and the fucking Cult Jam - has my love and respect.

Black Betty's is my new favorite dance venue. I'm only regretful about not jumping on the Ave Maria float with Big Dan. Oh well we danced, drank cheap beers, ate pizza and strombolis, and saw Desiree Burch. One solid evening fer sure.












Saturday, April 29, 2006

Something That's So Close, And Still So Far Out of Reach

I just danced around my bedroom to Tom Petty's "American Girl".

It's not even 11am.

You do the math.

Friday, April 28, 2006

Hokey Mc Jokeygins: a Short Story

Recently, I went out for something that needed improvisors. To my dismay I was paired with a regular from Bananas Comedy Club on Long Island. It was in a word - TERRIBLE.

When we were through zip zap zopping our way out of complete cheese, I prayed that the camera would fall and break, or the film be exposed to sunlight. Anything to keep this footage of me and Mr. Knock Knock from ever surfacing.

I then prayed to run into Mr. Slip on a Banana Peel in a dark alley, where I'd do some "space work" that involved me punching him in the head.

This people - is why I don't take improv classes at certain institutions that shall remain nameless. (unless you slide me a cool fin. Then we'll talk)

Always Something Breaking Us In Two, Joe Jackson

Anya, Marianne, Allocco and Barber

The four contestants

Me snarling my way through "Sweet Child O' Mine' and no, not the Sheryl Crow version

Running Man in da house

Seth's mom asks if I'm a virgin (amongst other things)

Time After Time, I'm the winner

But uh oh, my ex-boyfriend shows up to sing "Informer" by Snow

Greg and Ang are totally grossed out at my belch

Sweating after Toto is played

Uh oh! Wardrobe malfunction! (eww...why do I bother)

What a sweet time I had last night (pun intended). I managed to claw my way into Seth's arms for our dance but soon after my ex-boyfriend showed up drunk trying to woo me back. And woo me back he did - right into Barber's arms.

The lovely and amazing Anya Garrett has more photos here

At one point while sharing a cab with the lovely Anne and the high-kicking Nick, the soundtrack of my life was played in the 12+ blocks it took to get home. Songs which included (but are not limited to) Joe Jackson's "Is She Really Going Out With Him", and Rupert Holmes' "Escape (The Pina Colada song)".

Waaaaay better than my 97' prom at Terrace on the Park in Queens.

Believe that fool.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Here's Your One Chance, Fancy Don't Let Me Down

We've got your tickets right here

See we take our jobs very seriously

But sometimes we contemplate what life was like before we met

Then Jack shows up in his tux

We make side ponytails

I get hungry

Still hungry

Now posing

Tuesday night's benefit was a great success. If you missed me and Barber in our dresses, you're in luck. Because tonight you can find us in the same dresses at Sweet, where we'll be competing to win a date with Seth the Scamp.

Sweet @ Slipper Room

And if you ask nicely we'll dance with you to "Almost Paradise". Or my personal favorite slow jam, "Always" by Atlantic Star.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Taking One Down

Don't try it Charlie Sheen.
Dear Charlie Sheen,
Sorry if my recent posts have bummed you out worse than finding out about Denise and Sambora. Remember when you were in "Ferris Bueller"? Yeah, that was a good little cameo. I also liked you in "Lucas". Do you still talk to Corey Haim? How about Kerri Green?
I'm writing because I've been in a sort of fit as of late. And instead of letting one small insignificant thing ruin my week, I'm going to take some juicy lemons and make lemonade.
And yes I'm speaking about your balls.
Thanks for the phonecalls and the emails. You sure do know how to cheer a girl up.
Or is that slap your bitch up?
I forget.
Regardless, I'm feeling much better and promise no more sad posts. You're right, they do only make me look like a huge turd that fell out of Emilio's ass.
But seriously what are we going to do about our gambling problem?
Bros before hoes,

Just When I Thought It Was Okay To Leave My House

Killer chimp burst through window, bit off hand

And you thought YOU had a bad day......(cue worst song EVER)

That Shawn Mullins is For Shit...

Everything is not going to be alright. Now stop trying to rock a bye me.


Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Don't Stop Believing

I'm having a pretty shitty day. And no, I don't know how many more times I'm gonna write about it, but thanks for asking Kato. However, for some inspiration in life just know that when you call your sister to complain about some stupid mundane thing that just bothered you - she could cheer you up in an instant with the following statement:


It's the wettest dream I'll ever have (sorry boys). Thank you god. Thank you for adding this to my life. I am beyond excited.

I feel a restraining order coming on.

And what's more? Oh that the night before I'll be at Jones Beach salivating over Joe Elliot who'd better be wearing white spandex leggings if he knows what's good for him.

This will be the greatest weekend of my life thus far. Oh fuck it, I'm going to go out on a limb and say EVER. Perhaps it will have to be a close second to my wedding that hasn't happened yet. You know on the count that I don't end up marrying a bonehead or something.


Walking on Sunshine

Thank god this song is playing on my radio right now. I was three seconds from murdering someone. Why is it that you go to bed in a good mood then wake up in a bad one? I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that I overslept, that my hair looks like the lead singer of White Lion's in the video for "When the Children Cry", that the coffee here at work is probably never fresh, nor is the milk. What else can Sass complain about? Jeez get a load if this gem. It's a beautiful day and I've got the world at my fingertips. You know if the world was my keyboard and I could access anything via Google.

I got an email from Jetblue about all of these great low fares. Only issue is that you have to travel between tonight and tomorrow. Thanks, but I'm going to pass. I thought for a second about boarding a plane to the Bahamas then hanging out at the airport and drinking Bahamas Mommas. Alone.

At this point I'll take what I can get.


The only thing that would make this morning any worse would be if PLJ played "You Had a Bad Day" and dedicated it to me.

Spoke too soon.

PLJ!!!!! (insert fist shaking)

Monday, April 24, 2006

Call the Radio If You Just Can't Be Without Your Baby

I really like Mary J's song "Be Without You". Like maybe too much. I just checked my ipod and it appears that I played it like 40 times in the past three days. Thus replacing the frontrunner in my "Most Frequently Played Songs" - "Fancy" by Reba McIntyre.

Yes. This is how I do.

Till Tuesday, We'll Be Dressed To The Nines

My bazooms!

Barber tells me and Jack to both f off

Jack puts the moves on Aunt Rose

Grandma approves

Seriously, come to this benefit. Jack will be in a tux and Brans and I shall be dressed like prom queens. Well her maybe more than I. I can't find a damn thing to wear!

Tuesday April 25th
At the
Slipper Room
167 Orchard St. (Corner of Stanton)
Doors open at 8pm$10
ALL proceeds benefit the James F. Keppel Foundation.
For more information on the Foundation, please visit

Performers Include:
Kurt Braunohler
Jessica Delfino
Elephant Larry
Roger Hailes
Seth Herzog
Kristen Schaal
Trophy Dad

Nothing To See Here

I love you I honestly love you

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Here I Am Once Again, I'm Torn Into Pieces

Okay. I just watched the "Making the Video" for Nick's new (well at this point well overplayed) single "What's Left of Me". And I started crying.


The video is nothing short of a melodramatic look at well...what's left of Nickie Poo after "Jessica" decides to leave him. Poor guy.

I don't know why I choose to continue to feel bad for this dude. He makes more money than I've ever seen up to this point in my life, I'm sure is never late with rent, has two ugly ass tattoos, and gets all the poontang any man can dream of.

I'm going to do a making the video of me sitting in my apartment eating a banana and peanut butter sandwich, in my grey sweatpants, and top from last night. Then I'll send it to Nick and see how hard he cries at my pathetic Poor Little Match Girl life.

Oh Lachey.

Friday, April 21, 2006

You are the Magic, You're Right Where I Wanna Be

The above is a scanned jpeg of an actual post-it I scrawled on in my best impression of a retarded ape, only a short while ago. After hearing the opening of this song I immediately grew excited and therefore decided to jot down this friendly reminder to myself, then post it to my computer.

I didn't realize just how gay this was until the guy from the mailroom walked by and made mention of the enormous purple post-it that is now stuck to my computer screen.

Please also note that I underlined the song title and used exclamation points (obviously to show my excitement). And that I wrote "Michael McDonald" in parenthesis. You know just in case I get hit by scaffolding on my way home and it causes damage to my cerebrum.

We're Fire and Ice, The Dream Won't Come True

Is the reason I had a dream about an ex-boyfriend last night (where I found out he was dating this girl I can't stand), is that it's my punishment for downloading "Sara" by Jefferson Starship? Then listening to it four or five times while I danced around my bedroom in my old navy sweatpants, Nike workout bra, and Isaac Mizrahi Target sunglasses? Alone?

Hope so. I really like that song.

Please feel free to file this under "Reasons I Might Still be Single #62".

Thursday, April 20, 2006

I Do This on the Daily

Lovely weather we're having here in NYC. Which means only one thing.....


It seems Mr. Di Caprio is dating yet another supermodel. Shorties can't get no love? What's that? Oh she models underwear. Fascinating. You know I model underwear...for my my bedroom......nevermind Leo. Nevermind.

Ms. Berry and her new beau. Yum yum yum.

BREAK ME OFF A PIECE OF THAT. (but not in the bike thank you sire)

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Funny, Someday I'll Have One of Those

Jack smiles for mom

Kelly, Pat, Me, Jack, Erica

Mommy and Daddy and Jackie Poo

Please note that one hand is on his boob and the other on his junk. I really need to grow up.

My Love/Love, Hate/Hate Relationship with WPLJ

Dear PLJ programmers,

Please stop playing "You Had a Bad Day" AND any Rob Thomas songs. Please instead play more Asia, Heart, Toto, Phil Collins/Philip Bailey, and yes okay she is fine - Kelly Clarkson. If you want to throw in one of my favorite summer jams of all time - "What Do All The People Know" by The Monroes, I will in turn stop thinking negative thoughts about how I'm going to kill you and your families.

Deal? Or No deal? And yes I am being ironic you dicks.


One Without a Permanent Scar?

Okay, okay after maybe three or four years (or whenever the hell this song came out) I am finally able to say it out loud: I really like "Drops of Jupiter".

Go ahead laugh.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

You Got You Got You Got What It Takes To Make Me Leave My Man: Or that Time I ran Into LL Cool J at Benihana

Picture it - Manhasset, Long Island. After visiting our dear friends Cory and Erica and their impossibly adorable little Jack, four friends ventured off to Benihana for some tropical drinks and hibachi magic. We sat around a grill by ourselves, making devil eyes at any family that approached. Damn you rich white folk from Nassau County - we want to eat ALONE. We had gotten our drinks, placed our orders, and began to engage in the typical "who has gossip on people we went to high school with" when who walks in....a woman and her three kids. Then another woman (with a cane) and some more kids. I turned to sip from my mai thai about to banish the memory of this family forever until -

DA DUM DUMMMMMM the one, the only Mr. James Smith walks by. Yankees cap - Check. Striped Polo - Check. Bling a bling bling - Check. Bulging muscles - CHECK PLEASE. Kenny - the Japanese hibachi master with the white trash name - I'll have what he's having. A thank you.

Sadly my goals of taking a photo with this man will never be. Mainly because he was with his family, and crashing a family's outting is not really my style. But more importantly because I was too drunk to even stand, let alone speak a coherent sentence that didn't resemble a retarded orangutan in purple overalls, pink turtleneck, and Goofy hat asking for an autograph with a large Walt Disney World pencil!!!

Regardless of all of that, I shall see you around Mr. Smith.

Around the way.

I Should Have Posted This Earlier But Have Been Busy with Market and Bad Broadway Musicals on my Mind

CONGRATULATIONS to Erica and Cory on their new lovely little bundle of joy: Jack Silvio (born yesterday afternoon). Kelly, Paddy and I are off to Long Island after work to visit mom and baby. And to buy Daddy a nice cold beer. Wait, they serve alcohol in hospitals right? Well they should. Though I'm almost certain her mom probably smuggled a bottle of wine into the maternity ward. It's how they roll. I'll get right on that.

Is it weird that while I was having a Korean man massage my feet during my pedicure, Erica delivered a child?? This is my life people. Some are getting married, buying places, moving up and on. Me? I'm taking a comp day so that I can spend it with my mom shopping and getting my nails done. Clearly I'm ready for this motherhood/marriage business. Yeah clearly. Call off the search boys - Miss Settled Down Maturity is RIGHT HERE.

Such a good thing I no longer live with a dude. Such a good thing.

Your Big Bad Idea

Scenes from Sara's worst nightmare....and no not "Big: The Musical"

Alright. I'm not quite sure what happened with Broadway but the Broadway I grew up with had singing nuns, peter fucking pan, and sure, fine, alright - a beauty and a beast. Not to mention a bunch of French waifs singing about being "On their Own", "One Day More", and "Castles on Clouds". But this….this travesty…..I'm sorry, it's all too much for one lady to handle. And I'm not even talking about me! Hell I'm no lady. I'm talking about my mom you bitches!
Now stop making just 'okay' movies into MUSICALS!

Damn you Billy Joel and Twyla Tharp!!! Now they think that any hobo with his box o' wine and harmonica can sing "Oh Susana" in a boxcar! And YES I'm totally talking about that one scene in Peewee's Big Adventure with Pee Wee and the old man from every movie (for the meathead's "Blue" in Old School but I knew him as Patrick Cranshaw thank you very much. )

Jimmy Crapped Corn and I DON'T CARE!

Sunday, April 16, 2006

This Time Please Someone Come and Rescue Me

The kids are alright.....

Brandy yells at "Joshua" while I contemplate pouring more PBR all over myself

Yamamoto, Barber and Allocco - homegirls keepin' it real

Home on the range...or in my case Long Island for the Easter Holiday. You know, that holiday where we celebrate something magical happening to Jesus? I'm not really quite sure of all of the details since my family hasn't been to church since I was in a Christmas pageant in 1987, but I'm pretty sure it's a really important one. How do the heathens celebrate it? Well we all fight in the morning, eat a delicious breakfast my dad prepared, then lay around in our pj's until we have to get ready to meet my cousins for Chinese food. Yes, that's how we roll. Deal with it Catholics. You really wouldn't ever know I went to catholic school for 9 years. And I like it.

So last week was the busiest one I've had in a while, which is great but the jet-lag effect made me stay up till all hours drinking. (or was that the alcoholic effect?) Either way I had me some good times with some good people. Wednesday night we did School Night at UCB (hosted by the always adorable Justin Purnell). It was beer, blood, and screeched filled. Nice job kids. Nice job.

Thursday night - Celluloid at Otto's. More debauchery and mess but alas, a good time.

This week - no shows and plenty of time to reflect on eating healthy, exercising, and catching up on a good book.

Lucky Magazine is considered a "good book" right guys?

Just thought I'd check.

Song Currently on Repeat on my Ipod: "You Make It Easy" Air
Song Currently on Repeat in my Brain: " SOS" Rhianna