Friday, September 30, 2005

But What I Really Want to do is Direct Traffic

On my way to the doctor I must have listened to the same song 5 times...that is before my piece o' crap ipod battery ran dry (for the third time this week - good job Apple! I hate your guts)

I'm taking a cue from Ang and displaying the lyrics because you should fall in love with this song too! Then after you do, slide on your black Nike hightops, black sweats, drink some of the kool aid I brought, and follow me onto our spaceship to the heavens:

I once knew a girl/In the years of my youth/With eyes like the summer/All beauty and truth/In the morning I fled/Left a note and it read/Someday you will be loved./I cannot pretend that I felt any regret/Cause each broken heart will eventually mend/As the blood runs red down the needle and thread/Someday you will be loved/You'll be loved you'll be loved/Like you never have known/The memories of me/Will seem more like bad dreams/Just a series of blurs/Like I never occurred/Someday you will be loved/You may feel alone when you're falling asleep/And everytime tears roll down your cheeks/But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet/Someday you will be loved/You'll be loved you'll be loved/Like you never have known/The memories of me/Will seem more like bad dreams/Just a series of blurs/Like I never occurred/Someday you will be loved/You'll be loved you'll be loved/Like you never have known/The memories of me/Will seem more like bad dreams/Just a series of blurs/Like I never occurred/Someday you will be loved/Someday you will be loved

This Years Love Had Better Last, Heaven Knows it's High Time

Tonight I will be performing in the cult-comedy hit, "Mortified". It's a special Katrina benefit, so all y'all do-gooders best show up. Also, I may or may not have a nervous breakdown on stage as I cryptically sing about the kid from "Big" (the one who becomes Tom Hanks, not his chubby friend from "Overboard"), and this other douche who I'd barely let get to second base with me. And I thought he and I would get married someday. HA. Here's the deal:

Mortified - Magnet Theater 254 West 29th Street (7th/8th) 9:30pm $12 (all proceeds to benefit various Katrina charities) Ya heard?

Now, I just found myself stalking an ex-who shall remain nameless and his soon-to-be- bride, via Oh I'm not crazy! How dare you insinuate! I swear I was just interested in what sort of sheets they wanted as a wedding gift. A wedding gift I would happily deliver with a human turd wrapped inside. Bitter? Honey, bitter is something I left behind at the Jersey shore five years ago.

Note to self - just because a David Gray song plays when you first kiss a boy does not mean that this year's love had better last. Chances are, it will last for three months, then maybe a few weeks here and there.

Breathing Room

I just spent an hour and a half cleaning my bedroom. I dusted. I swept. I went thru piles of crap. I put things away where they should belong. Hung up clothes that have been sitting on my chair and ottoman for nine days. All the while listening to "Plans", the latest from Death Cab for Cutie. It's quite good. But sometimes I had to pray for a fast one because I was about to close my head in my closet door.

All in all, a very productive night.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

You Keep on Giving Me the Hold Up

You used to be my Romeo.....
At one time I thought that this man pictured above, would be my husband. I was a long shot. I'm nowhere near being married, yet lately I can't stop thinking about all the men I loved before and what could have been (Tiffany). I made bold choices in loving a man with a rat-tail when I was 11. Even bolder falling for a senior while I was in 9th grade who had rosacea, played in the marching band, drove the same Volvo wagon that my mother had, and slapped my friend Pat across the face for making fun of his red cheeks (slap heard around the commons, witnessed by Miss Kelly Taylor) Then I fell hard for a string of boneheads. Time after time I'd wake up and see the signs (Ace of Base). Then as I grew older I began having somewhat mature, healthy relationships. Things end for a reason and I firmly believe in that. Not to be Pollyanna, but I do believe everything happens for a reason. Sorry skeptics - but this bitch is fo' realz kid.
It's just that sometimes late at night, I close and my eyes and pretend Donnie Wahlberg is outside holding a boombox, blasting "Didn't I Blow Your Mind (This Time)".

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

No More Kelly Clarkson!!! - LB Recap

I know it has nothing to do with Laguna but doesn't that look gooood??

I think Monday night's Laguna was the first time I didn't hear a Kelly Clarkson song. (Not even the new one, "Because of You") Strange, right? Here in a brief nutshell are the top 5 things that bored me to tears on the most recent episode of Laguna:

1) Kristin being less-than enthused to see Stephen

2) Kristin being less-than enthused to eat the dinner Talan prepared for her.

3) Casey spreading some rumor about how Alex smells "down-there" to Cedric and Jason.

4) Jessica and Alex H suddenly being friends again.

5) LC on camera. She's just boring. No matter how cool she thinks she and her internship at Three Dots is. And since when are her and Casey friends? And how come Casey had "LC's friend" subtitle? Because she told Ceddy and Jay Jay that Alex didn't douche properly or something?

Okay those are five, but last night's episode really filled my head with questions. Questions I'm pretty sure will not be answered on next week's episode. Lately all the drama from Laguna seems to come from the aftermath of the filming. I heard a slight rumor (courtesy of Miss Kelly Taylor) that one of her friend's had dinner with a producer from MTV (a friend of a friend or something) and he was telling her how Talan threw a party the night they played golf, hid it from the producers, and Alex's friend walked in on Jessica giving Jay Jay a BJ. Classy. Also, LC and Kristin don't really hate each other but aren't best friends, and my personal favorite - Deeter is a camera whore. He'll show up at the opening of an envelope as long as there is a camera crew present.

Also -Kristin apparently told "Rolling Stone" that Lindsay Lohan walked in on her and Talan in bed together (she was fully clothed - now seriously raise your hand if you believe that one) and Lindsay freaked out, crushing a glass with her hand and screaming obscenities.

Yeah that stuff is way more interesting that watching Stephen and Kristin try on some hats in Chinatown. Way more.


Pay attention to me....!!

If I did a one woman show, that would be the title, "Pay Attention to Me!!". This is actually just me being a jerk at the Katrina benefit. My pics finally loaded into my desktop, so I I shall share. Dan and Dan were talking about something that didn't involve me, while I made faces behind them. Miss Barber won the role as paparazzi, while our friend Andrew just looked on with if to say, "What the fuck is that girl's problem??" Our friend Giulia once said to Brandy that she thinks all we do at parties is take pictures of ourselves....well Miss Rozzi, you are absolutely right.

God I'm tired today. Oh and I took some of that lipitor last night, because I am unsure if I mentioned, but my cholesterol is higher than two of the contestants on "The Biggest Loser" combined. Yeah it's high and I have my mom and pops to thank for that. So high that even diet and excercise alone can't help me now. I'm just praying that I can lower it quickly and get off this damn grandma medicine. Hey, did someone lose an 83 year-old woman? Cause if you did she's right here. And she's not even 30 yet.

Went to dinner last night with Paddy and Kelly and we ate ourselves silly at Josie's. Yummy, delicious health food (see I'm starting to change my diet already - no cheese grandpa!!). It's always great to hang out with people who were friends with you before you lost your virginity. Yes, we've been friends for thaaat long. I walked home the 22 blocks because I need to start bringing up my cardio, but I highly doubt cardio involves me on the phone with my sister, chatting about last night's Laguna. (which I'll get to in a moment)

This morning I was not having it. I woke up and yelled (to myself) about the douche who couldn't turn down his cheesy 103.5 Goumba Johnny music. God, I really am turning into my Nana.

Cabo, Cabo, Catfight! - LB Recap - So So Late Version

Now a poster on my bedroom wall....Seasons 1 & 2

*Please note - I wrote this last week but it never posted onto my blog. It just reappeared on my dashboard today. Blogger, I will fix you yet!

I am still hungover from last night's spring break episode. I am going to rate it at an 8 because it was that f-ing good. What was good, you ask? Oh just some drama courtesy of Jessica, Alex, some acne prone nobody, and the rest of the teen tramps.

We begin with shots of everyone packing and getting ready to head out of the real OC (yo) for what appears to be only a night or two. Seriously, who goes on Spring Break for one night? I'm sure MTV sponsored this booze-fest, complete with a dinner on the beach (no restaurant or waiters in sight). In plain sight - Alex throwing Jessica nasty glances, evil eyes, while Jessica basically shits in her pants. I was delighted! I actually got off of Dan's couch (he tivo'd it for me) and started screaming, "Oh no you didn't!!" at the top of my lungs during their cat-fight. Pretty much the way I used to act in high school when I'd watch two girls go at it. (one cat fight in particular that took place in my parent's kitchen. I sat there inhaling a box of Samoas, as two girls fought over some guy who now works at Geico. Then I made a point at saying to one girl who got reamed for basically being a Jessica - "You're gonna stand for that?") Hmm, I'm beginning to hear the opening bars of "Glory Days" so I should collect myself and continue on with the present:

Cabo - everyone is going EXCEPT JASON??!! What? He's going to Costa Rica with his family What a drag! I totally figured that he and Cedric would have gone together to go surfing, hiking, hooker-banging, soft cuddling ...The works! But alas, not this time dear Ceddy...not this time.

So Kristin and Alex H have had it with Jessica's madness, but Jessica is a loon who can't control the urge to utter Jason's name everytime someone says hello to her. She swears up and down not to let him ruin her trip, while her poor friend with a face that resembles the Galapagos Islands frets all the same. So all hell breaks loose as Jessica is laying out alongside Zit Remedy*, after Alex and her cronies roll up and basically do everything but slash the young girl's throat. They did it with their eyes people. Jessica and her enormous rack (where the hell have those things been hiding??!!), and Zitty go off to get their nails done. It's then that we see something the size of Aaron Neville's birthmark across Jessica's neck. Unlike Aaron, god didn't bless her with this curse - Jason's suculent mouth did. What a little ho! No I actually shouted this out loud then threw a pillow at nobody (it's a wonder Dan bothers to even watch this with me anymore)

Jessica's in hiding from the world and it's then that I decide that someone should murder her (Cedric?) Okay I'm gonna break it down for you here - I grew to really like Cedric after this episode. Do I think he's a little cheesy? Sure. Do I still think he'd do whatever it takes to play with Jason's wong? Of course. Hear me out though, the kid's cute in a dorky way. There I said it.

Alex and Jessica get into this HUGE fight outside of the bar because Alex has had waaay too many Rum Runners and is ready to kick some double d ass! Zit Remedy tried to break it up while that little runt Taylor looks on in amazement as her friend growns balls before her eyes. Alex was not stepping down and letting Jessica get off easy. In her manish voice she let's Jessica have it. It was at this moment Dan stopped watching and went on his computer because I was screaming, "hit her hit her hit her". No hitting, no pushing, just a really lame display of defense as Jessica calls herself a slut, to which Alex snickers a demonic laugh and calls her low or a loser or something that cool 18 year-olds, who had their boyfriend stolen from the girl they stole him from say. (BTW - has anyone picked up on this yet??? No seriously, why hasn't one person called the fact that Jessica was dating him while Alex was ready to make her move and tackle him??)

I'm tired. No really, I'm tired of writing about this. I'm sad. I wanted someone to get punched, I wanted more action. I mean the only thing that calmed my nerves was wathcing "The Ultimate Fighter" afterwards with Dan (yes he finally came back to join me on the couch) What gives people? They leave Cabo the way they came - in vans that mysteriously have an MTV crew filming them from the inside as they wait for their bags; go home to a town that hasn't missed them (how could they when it's only been two nights?); a man who traveled all the way to Costa Rica and still couldn't escape the bullsh*t from the ladies (a stalker call from Jessica, a bball court walk-on by Alex) . Laguna you're wearing my patience thin, and yet I may pretend to be too cool to watch on Monday nights (and let's face it with my new improv class I need to tape you), act as though I'm over the Jessica/Jalex triangle of bitch slaps and "duhhhhh's" from Jason - but the truth is - I can't live, if living is without you....can't live...can't live anymore. .

But can someone seriously pants Jessica or something??? I'm sure it's nothing anybody hasn't seen before (huh Jason you sly dawg you)

** Zit Remedy - the name of Joey Jeramia's band in "Degrassi Junior High"

Monday, September 26, 2005

You Had Me at 'Can't Buy Me Love'

But he'll always be Ronald Miller to me......

I just watched "Grey's Anatomy" and have decided that I'd like to plant his face in my lap. He's scrumptious. So handsome at the Emmys, so handsome fifteen years ago. This is a man who ages well. I like him.

Okay thus concludes the most boring post ever.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Won't You Charleston With Me?

Jesus Christ, did I swallow a gay man or something?? I have been singing showtunes all f*cking morning. Recently just completed a medley of songs from "The Boyfriend". Before that, "The Pajama Game", and before that "Oliver".

Now come on, seriously what the hell is going on here???

Note to Self

It's totally not acceptable to inhale an order of beef nachos smothered in nacho cheese, from San Loco at 2 in the morning. Not acceptable.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Let's Get it On

Set the mood. A few candles, some Anita Baker.

Right now I can hear my neighbor upstairs having sex. It is in a word - awkward. I don't think my upstairs neighbor gets it a lot because when he/she does, I can tell instantly. It's not just the smell of a lavender scented candle burning. Nor the soft romantic music of Anita Baker's "Giving You the Best that I Got". No. If I had to guess, then I would say that it would have to be the constant banging of the headboard I hear directly above me. I'm just hoping tonight doesn't turn into another marathon session he/she had a few months back. So loud that even Annie heard it from her bedroom next door.

And yes we sat on my bed listening to it and deciding what positions they were in while eating chocolate. I assure you, our lives are VERY exciting.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

This Was Me, Then

Erica, Pat, Kelly (as a blonde!) and Me (when my hair was too long I think) Winery Trip 03'
Every Fall for the past five years, my closest and dearest friends from back home and I, have gone on a winery adventure trip to the wineries of eastern Long Island. Every year a bunch of us head out early in a limo, drink too much, end up stealing something, which usually leads to us getting kicked out of someplace. All before supper time!
I am eagerly anticipating the fifth anniversary coming up in October. So much so that I have perfected just how I'm going to sneak out of Pindar with a golf umbrella under my shirt.
Yes, I am that classy.

Now I Ain't Saying She's a Gold Digger...

Am not one!

Okay so besides the song "Escapade" by Janet Jackson, I also have this other ditty in my big old noggin - Kayne West's "Gold Digger". Now if only I could get the image of him and Jamie Foxx on stage together out of my mind.....and heart. Fare thee well my two Gucci clad loves. Fare thee well....

Bonfire of the insanity - Catching Up on Laguna

Male Whore

I know tonight there was a new Laguna but I must first discuss the last one. Namely because I have yet to. Also since I had class tonight and had it recorded, I have yet to watch it in it's entirety and I needs me some time to let it all sink in.

Okay so on last weeks episode there was a bonfire, bullshit drama, the word slut used several times (this time not from the mouth of Steven towards Kristin - unfortunately) hooking up behind the back of someone who hooked up behind the back of someone else, and Casey the moron in high heels. Seriously, someone beat her senseless. I would if I could peeps, but I'm in New York. But lady, if you ever come around my way, oh there will be some shit going down. (by the way is anyone ever really intimidated when a girl who barely reaches the five foot status threatens them? No? Well you should be because I'm fucking insane. Oh right, and I have really tough friends who are taller than me)

Bonfire! Bonfire! Bonfire! I had these in high school, but we called them keg parties. MTV, why must you censor so? After briefly agreeing to disagree, Alex H. and Alex M. make up at some diner. Kristin announces that she'll call a truce, but not with that slut Taylor. It brings a tear to me eye when my girls can all get together. But before we launch into a Broadway style version of "Friendship" from "Anything Goes", perhaps we need to take a few steps ahead in order to really go back.

At the Bonfire Jessica is being her usual wimpy, crazy ol' little self. She is wrapped in some heinous towel and finally manages to stir up the courage to talk to Alex M. about taking her Jason away. Alex M. confirms that she never meant to hurt her and would never, EVER make-out with Jason in front of Jessica. Because that's totally like not so right y'all. (cut to Jason's arrival where Alex M. had attached herself to his face AND his crotch) Jessica in her gayest heard voice yet tells Kristin, "But we're all going to just have a splendid time okay?". Okay Jessica. Or should I call you Polyanna? Dude seriously, the girl who wanted to do the dirty with your boyfriend is now doing the dirty with your recently named ex-boyfriend. Get some f-ing backbone and beat that ho!

Later on there is a "friendship" dinner with the Alexes, Kristin, and Taylor. Taylor is about to shit herself silly out of sheer nerves. It made me giggle a little....because I'm mean. Then the drama really begins when DA DA DUMMMMM JJ hooked up! What about Jalex?? What about never calling that psycho again? What about it ending for good Jason? What about Cedric?

Jason invited Crazy to come by a nice round of golf. (do these kids really go to school? I mean we don't even see exterior OC styled shots) Talan is too busy playing with his balls (figuratively and literally speaking), while Cedric looks like he's ready to crawl up a tree and start belting, "As Long as He Needs Me",* while fighting back tears at the reunion of JJ.

It's enough to make you want to change the channel and watch Discovery Channel or something - ha ha...but I never would. So shit will go down next week (ie. on tonight's episode) and just remember this...whatever happens in Cabo doesn't really stay in Cabo when you're being followed by cameras. Here's hoping for a Colletti holla of "SLUT!!!!!". Me gusta.

* Yes I just made two references to Broadway show tunes. Are you insinuating that I am a theater fag? Well fine. I am.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Make Spicoli Proud and Come to this Benefit

Penn doing all he can....
I've been away for almost two weeks, and yet in every hotel and every new country I went to in Asia - I couldn't escape Katrina coverage. Instead of watching broadcast after broadcast, I'd rather do my part. And don't we all?
You must come to this benefit and you must buy raffle tickets (namely because yours truly will be selling them whilst dressed like Jon Benet during the evening gown portion of the "Little Miss Boulder" pageant)*
Here's the deal peeps:
THE HURRICANE BENEFIT SHOW at Mo Pitkins' House of Satisfaction
34 Avenue ATake the F train to 2nd Ave.
INFORMATION: (212) 777-5660
DOORS OPEN: 7:30pm
SHOW STARTS: 8:00pm$15.00
Come see some of New York City's best comedians perform in a show to benefit the victims of Hurricane Katrina. 100% of the proceeds go to the American Red Cross Hurricane Relief Fund.Plus, The World's Most Kickass Raffle, where you can win an iPod, an autographed copy of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart presents America: The Book, a case of Brooklyn Beer, and much much more.
WITH YOUR MC - Liam McEneaney (Comedy Central's "Premium Blend," VH1's "Best Week Ever")
* Andy Blitz (a writer for "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien" who has appeared on "Late Night" and "Premium Blend")
* Andy Borowitz (co-creator of "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air," and has been seen on CNN, "Best Week Ever," and heard on NPR, and is the author of four books of humourous prose)
* Becky Donohue ("Premium Blend," "Tough Crowd w/ Colin Quinn")
* Judy Gold (has had her own HBO and Comedy Central specials and has appeared on "The Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno" )
* Brian Kiley (a writer for "Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien" who has appeared on "The Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno" )
* Paul Scheer (VH1's "Best Week Ever")
* Victor Varnado (from the Eddie Murphy movie "Pluto Nash," the Schwarzenegger movie "End of Days," Comedy Central's "Premium Blend" and "Jimmy Kimmel Live!")
* A 20 gb color iPod (courtesy of TekServe)
* A brand-new Coach leather handbag.
* An autographed copy of The Daily Show w/ Jon Stewart Presents America: The Book
* Several baseballs autographed by major league baseball superstars whose names I actually can't reveal right now
* COURTESY OF THE BROOKLYN BREWERY: An autographed copy of The Brewmaster?s Table by Garrett Oliver, gift certificates for free beers at their happy hour, and five cases of Brooklyn Beer
* COURTESY OF COMEDY CENTRAL: a gift bag with official Comedy Central gear and albums from your favorite comedians, including Dane Cook, Dave Attel, Jim Gaffigan, Todd Barry, D.L. Hughley, Bobcat Goldthwait, and the cast of The Marijuanalogues.
* A Monk DVD box set, hat, and script autographed by the show's writers
* A Pilates gift set from The PhysicalMind Institute - includes a Pilates Book, a t--shirt, and 3 complimentary lessons with their master teacher Barbara Sampson (a $350 value).
* An autographed copy of Thank You, Sir by Jonathan Ames
* An autographed copy of The Borowitz Report: The Big Book of Shockers by Andy Borowitz
* Tickets to tapings of your favorite late night shows, including Late Night w/ Conan O'Brien, The Late Show w/ David Letterman, and The Tonight Show w/ Jay Leno
* Some classic graphic novels courtesy of The Center for Cartoon Studies (at least a $50.00 value)
* 2 tickets to the play Thom Paine at the Daryl Roth Theatre
* 2 pairs of handmade earrings donated by April Edwards, 4 Moons Handcrafted Jewelry
* Simon & Schuster book grab bag
* A set of custom-made baby gear from more to come...

9 Years is Too Long for This Shitty Show

You're all jerkoffs, especially you granny

I wasn't able to watch all of the Emmy's because I had class to tonight, but I was able to catch the win of "Everyone Loves Raymond" as best comedy. WHY? I will never understand this fucking business that rewards shows for being so lame and middle america. But at the same time they think they're being smart because they award Jon Stewart like sixteen awards (totally okay considering that he is my hero) but the cast of Raymond as winners?? Fuck you Brad Garret, Ray Romano, that slut that plays your wife who has had more plastic surgery in the past three years than Joan Rivers and Melissa combined, and you Delores Roberts. Couldn't you stay in my memory as the only role I liked you in, the grandma from "National Lampoons Christmas Vacation" instead of some shrivel old bat who annoys the shit out of me and everyone else in America? The only person I like is Peter Boyle. And that's only because he played Frankenstein in "Young Frankenstein".

One highlight was Tony Shaloub's win. It was good to hear him thank the very talented writers of "Monk". (my mini included!)

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Sure I'll Sit on Your Face. Thanks for Asking.

You complete me....
I made the terrible mistake of watching "Monster in-Law" on the plane. It amazes me that J Ho keeps getting cast in romantic comedies. She's terrible. She does this thing that I can't stand. It's like cheesy - trying to hard to be cute over-the-top acting. It's like that little troll Brittany Murphy - I end up always hoping for the worst. I simple cannot root for those two. See if they put Kate Winslet or even Cameron Diaz in that role, then I would have wanted to see a victory in the end.....versus a car crash. I'm conviced that J Ho works best when given roles about dead Latina singers. So until Shakira kicks the bucket - just stay home J Ho and work on your bodiqua clothing line.
I also couldn't ignore the impulse to say, "Judy Bernly please hold" everytime Jane Fonda uttered a sentence.
My salvation came in the form of three glasses of chardonnay ...oh and Micheal Vartan. Me likey. I will happily take Gardner's leftovers in a nice plastic ziplock reuseable storage bowl.
Hey cutie, why so funny?

In case no one has picked up on this yet, Sara likes funny guys. It's a double bonus when they are really handsome as well. Such in the case of Mr Cook and my true love, Mr. Trey Parker. And the above subject line to both of you little scamps.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Crazy Called and She Wants Her Boyfriend Back - Better Late than Never My Laguna Recap

Let's hope she falls in and drowns

Let's just begin with the withdrawal I was in for two weeks without my Laguna friends. I can call them my friends because we are...oh right and I'm delusional. So I'm sure everyone saw it before Sara did, but I still feel the need to recap it. So my dedicated readers who care (yes you three know who you are), here is the first of two belated recaps:

Jessica needs to be shot. She has gone beyond the legal limits of insanity, that even the most seasoned therapist couldn't write her a note to get out of the psycho ward. Listening to her whining is like personally asking someone to shove rocks in my ear and kick me in the ass at the same time. Yeah? I have no idea what the means either. But trust me - it wouldn't be nearly as worse as the constant spew of annoying whines and tantrums that fall out of her dimpled little mouth. Jessica, put the knife down and quit cutting yourself. Jason really isn't that great. In fact I'm certain that you'd have an easier time conversing with a jar of sea shells. At least some of them make that cool ocean-like sound when you hold them to your ear.

So they all go "boarding" because they are all super cool, and Talan that little fag is there with his acne riddled face. Hey Talan, I liked you best when you played Jonathan on "Who's the Boss". And poor Alex H. I think we've all caught on by now who's friend she is. No need for the "Kristin's friend" subtitle. I'm a little smarter than that MTV. Little smarter considering that I do obsess over the lives of a bunch of 18 year-olds who were in elementary school when I graduated high school.

Let's move on shall we? So they go boarding, Jessica stalks Jason via text and voice mail, and then wonders why he doesn't call her back? But my favorite character to love to hate (or just simply hate) is that blonde bizarro life-size Jon Benet Ramsey - Casey. Yeah too bad she wasn't mysteriously choked with a garden hose in the basement of her parent's house when she was 3. No instead we have to deal with her every Monday night. Big ups to MTV for that one. I just adored the scene where she asks her Hispanic maid for "un quesadilla por favor". Yeah it's cute to retreat back to the "Dynasty" era when housekeepers were called maids and wore the required uniform. Wait, am I watching an old episode of Dynasty circa 83'?

NEWSFLASH!!! Jason and Alex are like so totally together y'all! And that just tickles little ree-ree Casey to death! (well sadly, not literally to death because she shows up in the next episode in heels at a bonfire - yeah let that sink in) Did anyone notice how disappointed little Cedric looked at the news of the Jalex union? It's like watching an old Culture Club video with Boy George always longing for the affection of his bandmate. It's that awkward. But again, not as awkward as being LC and Steven who can't seem to leave the class of 2005 behind them. Definitely not as awkward.

And Now You Find Yourself in 82'. The Disco Hotspots Hold No Charm for You.

It was the "Heat of the Moment" is a really great song...

Well I'm finally back after a long ten day trip to the Orient. And yes I did eat special Japanese roman noodles as a snack on the way home. Oh and I received a total of two hours sleep...on a 12 hour flight. JAL is the way to go. Business/first class of course (when work's willing to pay then why not?) They have these crazy cocoon-like seats where you can pratically lay flat (hey those of you who already know this or want to compare to Virgin or British or whichever one has truly flat beds - save it)

Yeah so I'm like really tired and ready pass out. Oddly enough the first thing I craved was chinese food. Seriously, why China? Why?

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Don't Cry For Me Miyazaki

Me and my smock dress and ze flowers...
The truth is I never left you....well I will leave you tomorrow for Okinawa, then Tokyo, then home. Yes my friends, I am Britney on her Night at the Slut Hotel Tour** Only difference - I don't have a Federline to play with. And that's not a terrible thing.
**most likely not the correct name of Brit Brit's 2004 World Tour.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

This I May Not See. Perhaps That's a Good Thing

You and I just aren't meant to be.....

I am going to be really fast because I have about three seconds to write before a gaggle of people kick me off since there is one computer. I am here in Miyazaki and above is a picture of the Ocean Dome they have here at the resort that I will probably never get to see. This is a good thing because I have a fear of indoor amusement parks. Not because I find them dangerous, but more like creepy.

That's all I'm being kicked off.

Sayanora or whatever the fuck it is they say here.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

My Friend Yvonne

My lovely friend Yvonne

I don't rarely speak out about things that have truly affected me. Sure I talk about the latest episode of Laguna; what I ate today; what I did last night - but it's not all the time that I'll write about something that has made such an impact on my life.

But right now in Tokyo it's 9am on September 11th and I didn't feel right writing about something trite when I lost a very close friend on this day.

Yvonne Bonomo was one of those people that once you met her, you never forgot her. She was hilarious, charming, smart, beautiful, and she was like a big sister to me. I met Yvonne over ten years ago through my older sister Melissa. Yvonne instantly became part of the family. Anytime she'd come out to the "country" of LI from her home in Queens, she'd spend the night and I'd get the privilege of being able to hang out with her and my sister. As I got older I was able to go out more with them, drinking in local townie bars back home where she and I would cringe at the caliber of fine men that roamed around. I fondly remember one time we went to this bar Gunthers, usually reserved for drunk fishermen, and told my friend Pat to meet us. Yvonne and I eventually left, not realizing that we forgot to tell Pat not to come. He ended up showing up and called my cell practically in tears as some old man with one eye tried to buy him a shot and asked him to play pool.

The last time I saw Yvonne was at my college graduation party in June of 2001. She had her usual share in the Hamptons, and I had my share at the always lovely Jersey shore town of Manasquan. I can vividly recall hilarious stories she told, what she wore to a t (because we spoke about in great detail where she bought it, how much it cost - we are afterall ladies) and how amazing a person she was to come all the way out for my little shindig. The next morning, she slept at my sister's house but called me early demanding that I came over for bagels and chit chat. I was almost too hung over but figured that it wasn't everyday I got to hang out with Yvonne.

Throughout the summer we'd talk now and then about arranging a weekend we could get together down at the shore but by labor day it never came to pass. She was due out to Long Island the weekend of September 14th to stay with Melissa and left Melissa a message saying that I'd better be there. I made a point to write it in my little Hello Kitty planner that I purchased recently while trying to regain my youth at some store in NJ with my friend Jenny.

On September 10th I remember having a fit over some stupid boy and meaning to call Yvonne back. Being such a caretaker and big sister to me, she left me a message just checking in to make sure that I was doing well and that she was thinking of me. I remember calling her at her house but when I got the answering machine I didn't leave a message because I figured I'd try her on her cell phone later that week.

The next day I went to my crappy part time job at an Allstate Office (yes I was in denial that school was done, my beach house had it's last weekend, and that I would eventually have to get a real job) I saw the news, didn't initially panic, and called every friend I knew downtown. I left Yvonne a message after the first plane hit, not realizing that it had actually gone through her exact floor at Marsh & Mc Lennan in the first tower. It rang. I left a message. I figured she was okay. I was happy to eventually start hearing from people including my dear friend Miss Angela Altuna who survived by running like hell with some guy she had only maybe smiled at on the bus.

By September 15th, I personally knew a handful of people who had been killed by those mother f*cking terrorists. I went to four memorial services. Each person had been so dynamic and so special. It's hard to put into words how strange it is when someone who's as amazing as Yvonne is no longer here. I'm merely one of the many who feels that impact of not having her. She has tons of friends, family, her parents, brother, fiancee - all who remember her fondly everyday. Not just on September 11th.

Friday, September 09, 2005

China All the Way to NY, I Can Feel the Distance Getting Close...

Hong Kong, nightfall

I guess I didn't realize how important it was for me to find my ipod charger before embarking on a business trip because I figured, "Hey I'm flying first class - they have tons of crap for me to do for the 15 hour flight". Well indeed they do. But how about when it's 2am on a Friday and you're wide awake because it's really 2pm on Thursday back home, and the only thing you can listen to is the one channel that is China's answer to MTV? Not that I'm complaining at all. It's just that I should have brought my charger is all. Oh Miss Stefani, I do like your new video for "Cool", and Miss Carey I do declare that the guy in your "We Belong Together" video makes my mouth wet with lust (he is the same fellow in that new show "Prison Break" and no it's not Eric Roberts! As if!) BUT I enjoyed these fine things the first six times I saw them. I guess at 2 in the morning the programmer has something better than me to do. Now if only I can remember what it was... ah right - sleep.

The great news is that right now it may be 3:40am on Thursday night in NYC, but here in China it's only 3:40pm on Friday (love how that works!) which means that I can still devour a delicious meal before heading off to dreamland for a sweet 8 hours or so where I can have a wet dream about Jackie Chan. Lovely.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

I'd Like to Stay and Taste My First Champagne! - How I Spent My Summer Vacation

How I spent it? Read the archives in my blog. How I spent this past weekend? Eating lobstah in every way you can imagine (broiled, baked, rolled), giving dolphin rides on the beaches of cape cod, relaxing, laughing, having a gay ol' time, oh and RIDING A BIKE! That's right. Now I haven't been on a bicycle since 1993 so for me, this is a huge deal. Yesterday Dan and I went riding on this path up there for four hours! I must say that by the end - my legs, ass, and arms were sore but I truly felt like Lance Armstong! (at the age of eight) My new favorite place in the world? Cape Cod.

Sadly I do have a confession to make Usher P Raymond: I missed Laguna!!! We were eating at some restaurant and didn't get out of there until 10:15 so by the time we got home it was over! I did check and noticed that it is playing at 12:30 this afternoon on MTV but at that time I'll be in a car heading to Newark for my trip to Asia! Oy vey. What's a girl to do? And I just know that they will not have our MTV in Asia. Oh no, they will have MTV Japan and play maybe three videos in english and two of them will belong to Robbie Williams. Oh Jason. Kristin. LC. Can you forgive a sistah for f-ing up? I promise to bring you all back something Japanese if you could keep it in your pants for the next ten days. I'd be ever so grateful.

Sara Jo

Friday, September 02, 2005

I'm Outta Heerrrreee!

Just me and my winter coat and my train case

Tonight is my last night in town for two weeks. Tomorrow I spend four days in Cape Cod, Wednesday leave for a ten day trip to Asia. I have yet to pack and have dinner plans at 9pm. Oh right, and it's almost 8. Niiiice.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Mr. Bojangles

Ladies and gentlemen...Bogart.
Babies frighten me. I'm not really good with kids. I'd like to get excited by an adorable baby, but I have this low threshold for babies and children. Sorry, your baby is really cute but I can't stand and gawk at something that can't even hold a cup. Now dogs on the other hand are what tickles my fancy. Well dogs and sloths. Above is picture I took of my sister's dog with my camera phone. The picture does not do him justice. See, a puppy or a dog - I will flip over. But a baby.....yeah that's nice but seriously what's your dog up to?

Love of my life

In case any of you forgot how adorable my pet sloth is, I figured I'd remind you. Strange that I had t-shirts made up with this precious little mug on them that read, "I Love Milton"?? Perhaps. And yes, Dan and I will be wearing them while we ride our bikes in Cape Cod. Why? Because we're gay.

The Roxy 1; Sara Nuthin'

Can we couple skate?

Much of my experience of roller skating has been between the ages of four and eight. I rarely do it, and last night - it showed. It was stop numero dos on Susan's Bachelorette Party Night, and I know us ladies were ready for it. I figured that it would come back to me, and I'd remember how to twirl, dance, and jump in my skates. Sure, that could have happened if I ever really learned how to do that. But I never did. A few years back while "working" at an Internet company back in 00' (read - spending majority of time drinking and downloading Napster at the expense of the company), my co-worker Joe and I would pretend to couple skate around the office - sans skates. Basically we were a-holes that liked to annoy the prep-school jerkoffs who also worked there. Last night confirmed my fear that when ever skating in general ( be it roller or ice) I am only able to push with one foot. That foot being my left foot. Seriously. Who am I? Daniel Day Lewis? No matter how hard I try, my right foot paralyzes itself and acts like dead weight, while my left tries to make up for it.

Oh and I made up for it last night - falling several times. At first, Susan, Lisette, me, and Amy were fine out there. Then we had beers. Then I went out and skated because they were blasting Diana Ross' "Love Hangover", and as I made a mental note to download it onto my ipod some freak on skates ran right into me, knocking me into an old sweaty man who wore a t-shirt that said "Uncle Louie". I reprimanded her politely (okay I may or may not have cursed her out loudly, then smiled sweetly like the maniac that I am and pretended to be just kidding). After that, some ogre in white skates tried to help me across the floor, but ended up tripping and taking me with him, smack right into the big black box in the middle of the dance floor. Thanks douche.

But seriously, I can't wait to go back. Who's with me??