Sunday, December 31, 2006

My Boyfriend Loves This Shit

Amongst many things that I have learned while being down here in Austin, nothing has stayed with me more than this.

And now his entire family can't get it out of their heads. Thanks J.

PS Barber look forward to us re-making this video. It's Sazuki Domo time.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Every Meal We Eat Comes in Multiple Courses

James, para tu

"We went to have ourselves a drink or two, But couldn't find an open bar.We bought a six-pack at the liquor store, And we drank it in her car"

No. Not my own story ladies and gents. But that of the protagonist in the Dan Fogelberg holiday hit, Same Auld Land Syne. A song, might I add, that I have now heard three times in the past two days while driving. And I couldn't be happier.

Maybe it's spending the past week out at my parents back in my hometown, but quite frankly I'm not so sure I'd want to meet an old boyfriend in the grocery store (namely the Stop and Shop), and then split a 6-pack of Bud Lights in my mother's Explorer. For one, I'd have a DWI on my hands, and two I don't speak to any of my exes for good reasons. And three, what would most likely happen is I would see one, freak, then hide behind the olive bar.

Also, I've been wearing Old Navy reindeer pajamas for the past three days so the likelihood of anyone giving me a second look-over without wanting to vomit inside their mouths, is slim to none.

Total hotness.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

And On a Far Sweeter Note


Once A Whoora, Always a Whoora

Merry Christmas Eve y'all. Now that I'm back home I suddenly shift from my NY accent to my fake southern one. You know since my parents are on Long Island.

While watching a segment on CBS on the USO, I am nearly moved to tears (I said nearly assholes), until they showed that little twit Katie Rees, Miss Nevada, crying for Trump to give her one more shot at being Miss USA. Hey Katie, try not taking photos of yourself pretending to give bj's to college boys, and tearing your top off. In order to be in a pageant or at the very least qualify for something other than Miss Subway (and I literally mean the sandwich shop), I'm pretty sure you would have needed years and years of pageants, hot rollers, a fat mother whose own dreams of being pretty one day waved bye bye to her long ago, and a creepy "daddy" who writes checks and shows up only to watch you parade around in a bikini on stage. So if these photos were taken when you were only 18, wouldn't this mean that roughly four years ago you were competing in some sort of pageant. Little Miss Reno? Miss Mirage Hotel? The Annual Cum Dumpster Award given to the girl who surely has swallowed the most at University of Las Vegas? And shouldn't you have known better?

I mean cut the shit sweetie. You were drunk. You're clearly a mild whore. Why pretend? Take your tears and turn them to gold, and go pose for Playboy or something. We all know that you have two myspace pages: one for Miss Nevada where you're shown holding a child with cancer; and another where you're shown holding some guys junk.

Don't hate. Congratulate....yourself on being such a dumb slut.

Merry Christmas cupcake!

PS - If I could give you one small piece of advice - please stop using so much self tanner from Jergens. I mean, please.

Friday, December 22, 2006

I Just Want You For My Own

Someone learned how to finally post videos to her blog in the 25th hour of being a complete and utter moronic chimp named Sammy.

Sammy likes Mariah Carey, cotton candy, and christmas!!

You Are Welcome

This is the fine work of my pal and confidant Matt Sears who's hilarious blog can be found here.

The man is a genius I tell you.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

You Say Mustache, I Say Moostash Let's Tear That Damn Thing Off

I wish it was this cute.....

Today on the subway I saw a woman sporting what can only be described as a chinchilla across her top lip. She also had hair sprouting from her neck, chin, and cheeks. She was clearly under the weather to say the least - if not mental. Why madame? Why would you find it acceptable to parade around like some sideshow carney act? My questioning (and slight vomit that I felt creeping up in my throat), only ended when I noticed she was standing next to an old man. An old man who turned out to be her mother. AYEE!! This woman was hairier than a mad scientist gone awry. Yes, I know. I have no idea what it means either. But it's pretty fucking hairy.

Senorita con toda la barba, what a fine example you've set for your 40 something year - old daughter, who's probably never been laid let alone kissed a man. And no, the appropriately named cat Mister Whiskers, does not count as said man. And how is it that a woman such as yourself was able to procreate? Did you mate with a werewolf? Come on, I won't bite. But I might grab a gilette and shave off your face.

If I Wasn't So Cheap and So Lazy...

this would have been the card I would have sent to friends and loved ones.


*photo the fine work of Matt McCarthy (as Santa), Brandy Barber as grieving friend, and me as the one lying face down with the bubble butt.

Monday, December 18, 2006

A Long December

Monday, December 11, 2006

What Have I Done? What Have I Done? What Have I Done To Deserve This?

Lying in bed with a bum remote, the only channel I can seem to reach has a child's television program from Canada. There is an adult playing a little clown doll (frightening) on a big couch. She interacts with animated objects, and human voices but not actual humans (like Blues Clues - also frightening).

At first I can't help myself but wonder what this woman might be like off camera. A raging drunk? Failed Canadian sitcom actress? Was she once on Degrassi (because honestly what other fine television series has Canada given the US??). My wonder begins to turn into horror, when I realize that this gig pays and this is where I just might end up. Except I really would have a drinking/drug problem. Unless it pays a lot and I'm getting laid every night, well then I'd have no choice than to return home to my condo in Ontario, and make love to my bottle of Captain Morgan and case of Molson Gold. Because everyone knows that when you're an alcoholic from Canada, you gots to represent.

As an actor is it really my responsibility to take whatever roles I am offered? My agent (oh yeah it's official you guys - I am awesome), once asked me if I'd do a commercial for genital herpes. Seems like they had a bet going in the office trying to figure out which of their clients would or would not take the job. They all bet that I would. They figured that since I sometimes play a slew of characters who are either taking dumps on stage or talking about it, that I'd have no issue. And the truth is, now that I'm secure in a relationship and don't plan on getting out in the "meat-market" (eww seriously gross), I'd say sure. As long as they changed my name - from Sara to Sarah.

I once knew a girl who did one of those ads you see in the subway for domestic violence and she said you wouldn't believe how many people suddenly became concerned for her, even though her name was changed. I'd like it if people stopped offering me sips of their drinks and squatted when they sat on my toilet because they all thought I really did have herpes. As if I would get on a poster and announce it. Only a struggling actress who needs to pay her high Manhattan rent would retards.

And I digress. Again. Naturally.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Your Last Shot at Getting on Santa's* Good Side

This is your last chance to catch us before we're "takin' it to the streets" like the Doobie Brothers.

Just a reminder this is an actual play, not a stand-up show, though there are musical acts throughout. As always there will be $3 beers, $4 well drinks, and a dance party that follows!

Even if you can't make the show, come and hang out afterwards for some dance magic and cheap cocktails!

Hope to see you there!

The Kissing Booth presents


Written by Brandy Barber & Sara Jo Allocco
Directed by Jen Wineman

December 9th, 2006 10:30 PM
All tickets just $5

The D Lounge
101 East 15th Street, Basement Level
At Union Square East
$3 Beers, $4 Well Drinks
Dance party afterwards!!!

Can the wily eye-patch wearing 10 year old Betsey manage to help her 4th grade teacher Ms. Collins save the community center, star in the Annual Non-Denominational Holiday Joy Fest Pageant, AND learn the true meaning of the holidays? Come find out in this show-within-a-show, featuring the talents of some of New York ’s most fantastic stand ups, musicians and sketch performers.

Featuring: Brianne Halverson (Party Central USA), Michael Terry (Comedy Central’s Motherload, Party Central USA), Katina Corrao (Caroline’s), Matt McCarthy (Max!), Michael Cyril Creighton (VH1’s Best Night Ever), Amanda Pettit (Don’t Touch Me There!), Patrick Dall’Occhio (Johnny Lunchpail), John F. O’Donnell (Check Your Cool! Comedy Show), The Sizzle Twins (GSN’s I’ve Got a Secret), Shayna Ferm (Fearsome, Battle of the Funny Bands Winner 2006), Shawn Hollenbach (Mortified!, Oh My God!), Robin Gelfenbien (Freedumb, Sirius Sattelite Radio)

* and Brandy and Sara's

Friday, December 08, 2006

Playing with The Queen Of Farts

NASHVILLE, Tenn. -- An American Airlines flight was forced to make an emergency landing Monday morning after a passenger lit a match to disguise the scent of flatulence, authorities said. The Dallas-bound flight was diverted to Nashville after several passengers reported smelling burning sulfur from the matches, said Lynne Lowrance, spokeswoman for the Nashville International Airport Authority. All 99 passengers and five crew members were taken off and screened while the plane was searched and luggage was screened.

The FBI questioned a passenger who admitted she struck the matches in an attempt to conceal a "body odor," Lowrance said. She had an unspecified medical condition, authorities said. "It's humorous in a way but you feel sorry for the individual, as well," she said. "It's unusual that someone would go to those measures to cover it up." The flight took off again, but the woman was not allowed back on the plane. The woman, who was not identified, was not charged in the incident.

WHAT? And for those of you who wondered (Barber), I was NOT on the flight. Jeez, you fart next to your bestie one time on a southbound flight to Miami and you NEVER hear the end of it!

Please note - was also going to title this post, "I Didn't Fart You Liar".

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Final Post of the Day

I once made up a movie Kevin Bacon was in so that I could win the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon game. And my dear pal Pat has never let me forget it.

Lazy Lovely Lazy

I just called my roommate to ask her a question, and she was in the other room. Best ye watch out for bed sores Sara Jo. You filthy, lazy ho-bag.

I Can Do What She Can Do So Much Better

Oh Jessica Simpson. What the fuck is your problem? You make more money peddlin' your tasty cosmetics and shitty weaves, than you do selling albums. And maybe this is why.

She is a fucking legend Jessie. Your publicist (who is also Mariah Carey's and got her emancipated from her own craziness), claims that you were just nervous. Well listen bitch, I would have done it and done it TEN TIMES better, without cue cards - for a bucket of Kentucky's finest. Now if you're a performer, don't hide behind the same poor excuses your sister Asshole did.

I would like to speak to your father in private, but I'm afraid he'll try to cop a feel or look up my skirt.

Shame on you Simpsons. Haven't you tormented the American people enough? It's bad enough we have to endure Asshole's new nose, gaunt "I swear it's working out that makes me this thin not starving myself" figure, and shitty music. When is it time for you all to just go away???

F all four of you. And anyone else who supports this dipshit. I've had it.

And Because Somewhere In My Brain I'm Still Eleven Years Old....

I just danced around my bedroom to Justin Timberlake's "What Goes Around Comes Around" and pretended I was in the video. Oh what video? Oh the video that has yet to be made (aside from in my head).

Monday, December 04, 2006

So I Gots Me This Problem

And I thought long and hard about it.

And at the end of the day, I've decided only one thing - Spank on me.

And All That Jazz

While you were sitting home with your thumb in your bunghole.....

...... we were having ourselves quite the time on stage.

Don't worry peaches, we'll be doing it ALLLLL over again this Saturday night.