Tuesday, August 29, 2006

The Adventures of Donnie and Sammie

Since giving my notice here at work, I've had ample stating around time. I mean clearly, they're not going to give me a hell of a lot of work what with me leaving next Friday and all. And smart on their part. I don't mind doing the work, it helps move the day along. But at this point I almost wonder if I could dress my friends Sammy and Donnie in some of my Forever 21/American Apparel clothing, leave them here at my desk, and head for the hills.

I think Sammie and Donnie would have a lot of fun playing at my desk. Banging on my keyboard as they check their myspace profiles, update their blogs, email friends about how much pasta they ate for lunch today. They could also go onto corcoran.com and search for apartments they'll probably never be able to afford at their modeling rate.

Speaking of their modeling rate, what a couple of catches eh? eh?

Monday, August 28, 2006

And The Hits Just Keep On Coming

I don't mean to sound gross, but come on and tell me that you too thought this young woman was Bruce Willis' latest three night stand and NOT his 12 year-old daughter.

Honestly Bruce, your kids are getting older which means you need to stop dating within their age brackets.

BW, please stop using Matthew McConaughey's character in "Dazed and Confused" as an inspiration.

Why You All In My Grill Missy Elliot?

I went to the dentist this evening for a check-up and cleaning. As it turns out, with my new non-working health coverage I can get my wisdom teefs pulled......OR........

Heaven Knows, It's Not The Way It Should Be

Okay time to post. My how I've been so lax in my entries. And yet I don't hear nary a peep from youse guys. I mean honestly. Really. Thanks for making sure I didn't have a small stroke, or die of alcohol poisoning. Both of which could be the case, given how I've been treating this little temple o mine.

Feel free to barf on yourself at the use of the word "temple"...I know I just did.

So my weekend was the most relaxing weekend I have had, maybe all summer. No, definitely all summer. If not, all year. Wow, Sara did you get a massage, visit a spa, have great sex? No to all of it. I merely sat my fat ass around my apartment in grey gap sweats (not to be confused with old navy grey ones, both I and Barber own), took a brief stroll on Saturday with my lovely roommie and stopped at every wine store god ever put within a ten mile radius of my abode, for a free tasting. Then we ate ourselves silly with pasta, prosciutto and cheese and drank two bottles of wine. And we got high. This time not on comedy. Eww gross. Beat it.

Oh and we watched "Failure to Launch" which was terrible. More like "Failure to be funny"!!! Ha ha. LOL!! Hey guys, I do comedy sometimes. Nothing? No one?

Friday, August 25, 2006

Beware of the Dwarf

When you're nursing a hangover there's really only one thing that's good for you - drinking gatrade from a wine glass and watching "Foul Play". Good god was Chevy Chase a handsome man.

Huge thanks to everyone who came out last night for "Take this Job and Shove It". All of the perfromers hilariously shared job from hell type stories, there was a musical finale Brandy and I worked on ten minutes before the show, drink specials, and good times with great people.

You're all super swell.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006


Yeah that's a photo of me in a piece of luggage, taken over 2 or 3 years ago at the same place I have been working at for four years. All of that will be changing come September 8th. That's when Sj hangs up her twin set and Anne Taylor silk blouses and heads for a life less ordinary. Tomorrow night is the beginning of the end, a comedy show/party about taking your job and shoving it. Orginal. This I am aware.

Deets are as follows:

The Kissing Booth: Take This Job and Shove It!
WHERE: The D Lounge
101 east 15th street at union square east- basement level of the DR2 theaters
WHEN: Thursday, August 24th, 2006
party begins at 7 pm
$3 beers! $4 shot special!
Show begins at 8 PM, Bar opens at 7pm
Featuring performances by: Mike Burns, Rachel Kramer Bussell, Michael Cyril Creighton, Sean Crespo, Jon Friedman, Lianne Stoke and more!

Spare Me the Hilary Duff, I'm Coming Clean

Okay. I am lying in bed watching last week's season premiere of Laguna Beach. I swore to myself that I would watch it last Wednesday and I lied. You know in the same way I keep telling people that I have plans to get in shape and start working out again. Lucky for Laguna, I'm back. Well rather, I'm not feeling so hot on account of staying out till 5am on Saturday night/Sunday morning. Maybe a picture will help shed some light as to just how drunk SJ was. Well it would be uploaded right HERE....that is if blogger wasn't once again being the biggest asshole of all. Thanks blogger for keeping me sharp. And limiting the number of photos I can post.

Well now that I'm stuck here, unable to get some shut eye since I did fall asleep before at 7pm, figured that I might as well share some of my feelings and opinions on this new class of kids.

Tessa - does she have herpes on her lip? Seriously?
"Rocky" - looks like she's a little too old for 11th grade. And like a soft core porn actress.
Cameron - Attractive if you like a roofie slipped in your amstel and witnessing your gay male friends receive wedgies from a meathead. And horse teeth - seriously has anyone told him to stop grinning like a baboon? No? Well I am.
Cami - Fat, dumb, and stupid is no way to go through life you little piece of trash. No really, call me and we can totally be bff's.
Chase - You skipped a step in evolution. No?
Kendra - I don't think I have your name right ,but your voice is as low as Cameron's balls. Yeah I don't know what that means either.
Ice Princess - Do you speak? Do you jsut glare? I confused.
Blondes, Tramps, Thieves - ugh this cast is about as exciting as a jar of sand. And not even of the pink variety. Please, bring on some old cast members to shake things up. Oh thank you MTV for hearing my cries. Jessica, Alexes, Taylor - run for the hills. And no, not LC's show. PUHLEAZE!
LC's uglier sister - You could actually play Donnie the retarded ape. Any interest in character work?

Okay guys but really the break out star of this show? Donald the Asian kid who beats all of you at turbos.

You're welcome. Donald.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Two Hearts That Beat As One

If you missed The Kissing Booth's "It Takes Two!" on Saturday night, it had better be because you shit your pants on the N train on your way down. Or because your dog/cat/significant other threw up and you had to take care of it. Or because you're sort of tired of seeing the two sluts who run it all over town. Well in that case, enjoy these!

*more pictures to follow. Blogger is being a real wang chung right now.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

THE KISSING BOOTH - Saturday, August 19th

Um I have no clue what your plans are for the rest of your life, but on Saturday they should include stopping by the D Lounge to drinks some alcoholic concotions and stay for the magic that is:

the kissing booth: it takes two!
saturday, august 19th, 2006
9:30 PM - $5
the d lounge101 east 15th street at union square east- basement level of the DR2 theaters
$3 beers! $4 shot special!
stay for the late nite dance party after the show

Best you show up before we tell everyone in Thailand that you killed Jon Benet Ramsey....too soon? Good.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Anyone Who Had a Heart Would Take Me In Their Arms and Love Me Too

Monday night and I am home drinking a $2.99 bottle of Trader Joe's finest while switching between CBS's Two and a Half Men and ABC's Wife Swap. Can my life get any better I ask of thee? I know I shouldn't get too excited but I found a half frozen/half expired piece of chocolate that I bought when I had money and didn't pay a King's ransom in rent, from Whole Foods. Ah Whole Foods. How I remember you fondly. Why you and I would sometimes see each other two or three times a week. That is until I realized that you cost me a week's worth of pay, and introduced me to a bunch of other assholes that would stand on line for fifty minutes.....for five pieces of sushi and a pack of $9 grapes.

Hey drycleaning, does this look familiar? It should. It's the same top that I'd get laundered quite a lot a few summers ago. Now? Well now I believe in the old Fabreeze and leave on the chair while you cry about how you're not going to be able to afford your medicine GRANDMA!

Hey guys, if I sound like a mess. It's probably because I am. If I sound amazingly hilarious in my time of dire need - it's cause this little lady knows how to laugh her way out of the poor house about as fast as Paula Poundstone did after serving time for beating her kids. Huuh? Wha? Yeah I'm also drunk. And apparently not answering phonecalls.
Leaving terrorizing messages for my friends and family, totally different story.

Hardy Har Har

Note to self: make the above into a huge poster and hang over my bed*

*You know Allocco, like how you were going to put your shelves together from Christmas and keep that orchid in your window alive....sinner.

I Adore Mi Amore - CMB

Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol
We'll do it all
Everything On our own
We don't need
Anything Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world

I'm a Big Kid Now

Okay, I know I say and do things that may not always be, well "mature". I know I sometimes like to act like a retarded ape named Micky who wears a Mets cap and Bruins sweatsuit. But ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I simply beg of you to take a look at what just made me spit an entire gobble of chicken caesar wrap out of my mouth.

I thank you, and my co-worker who heard me scream with laughter thanks you.


Saturday, August 12, 2006

Numb Like Novacaine

Today I had a pretty shitty day. Though nothing in particular happened to me, I think it was more or less the stuff I wanted to happen that didn't. It was one of those gut-wrentching, emotional, I'm about to have my period, type days. Then you call one of your best friends who brings you down from your crazy insane high, and after screaming through tears, you're laughing your ass off.

I don't like to think of myself as a risk-taker. I like to think of myself as a person who reads the directions before assembling the product. But then there are those directions to the product you've used or assembled at some pint in your life. So you already know, okay this goes with that and don't use that sort of screw in that hole. Unfortunately sometimes no matter how well we've assembled it, in a few years it will still break and fall apart. Or a few days, months, what have you not.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Reason #7On Why Sara Can't Own Nice Things

You can do me in the morning, you can do me in the night. You can do me when you wanna do me...Christian Louboutin heels. What I wouldn't give to parade down a city street wearing you, and you only. But alas, we are not meant to be. You see, it's a sad, sad story of a young woman who at 27 can't own anything that costs over $100 dollars (gifts do not count - sires, madams and loved ones take note). What happens to said expensive items that I myself purchase? Well if you're shoes I'll wear you to the ground, or step in dog shit or something. If you're a fancy dress, I'll spill coffee on you. If you're a fabulous luxurious winter coat, then I'll walk right into the hand of a smoker....with a lit cigarette. And if you're a $900 python handbag, I'll vomit inside of you with little to no recollection of the matter.
See guys, I really am mature.

Baby Whines A lot

Anyone seen this girl? Chances are she's not a baby, but an adult who acts like one. If you see her having a temper tantrum, or holding her breath because "it just isn't fair!!!", please be sure to hand her pacifier. And a swift kick to the shin.

PS It isn't me. But thanks for asking you smart ass.

Monday, August 07, 2006

You Read It Here...Again

I have been beyond lame when it comes to updating my b. Yeah that's right, even too lazy to type the word blog.

How has Sara spent the past several days? Clearly doing something good for humantiy and volunterring to help teach homeless children their manners and how to read.

In order to learn more about my exciting weekend, read here.

I think it sums it up quite nicely.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Scoop of Chocolate Scoop of Vanilla, Don't Waste My Time

Bring it on you bitches

Laguna Beach (aka: the greatest thing to ever happen to MTV since Eric and Julie flirted shamelessly while dancing to "Now That We Got Love" by Heavy D on the first season of the Real World) is back with a whole new cast of teenage skanks and the dimbulb boys they love to catfight over. Someone named Sara is beyond excited. Why. Why do I feel some sort of obligation to watch, then write about this show? Because I' m awesome. And yet a total fag at the same time. Sort of like Stephen. Ah that would be Coletti.