Friday, June 30, 2006

Vacation, Had to Get Away

Okay hot stuff I'll see your damn movie

My vacation officially started as of 1pm today. Off for the next week from work I plan on doing any of the following while at my parent's adorable home in LI: sleep till at least ten (wow), lay out (even in the rain...I have no shame), eat a lot, visit friends back home, maybe hold Jack (who's now almost three months)....I said maybe people, enjoy my new nano (oh that's right I got myself one today), eat for free, drink for free, go to target, drive a car (while listening to Kenny Loggins Greatest Hits and/or Linda Ronstadt's), see Devil Wears Prada, Superman, and maybe one other movie, and most importantly RELAX.

I'll return to this hot, sticky city next Saturday.

In the meantime, I'm off to see a show with Miss Lady Barber then perhaps a boozefest at Mo Pitkin's. I said perhaps people. And we all know what a perhaps means in my vocabulary. It means "yes I'll probably say I'll have one or two drinks but will actually have ten, stager home drunk after proclaiming that I'm F-I-N-E, pass out in a face plant on my bed wearing only one flip flop and a t-shirt with a cartoon panda bear vomiting. Then tomorrow I'll miss my train, arrive at my parent's late, cry because I'm not going to get any sun on the one nice day this week, and drown my sorrows in a cheesedog and beer in my parents back yard". But right, this is all perhaps going to occur. I have self control.

Once in a while.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Goodnight Sweetheart Well it's Time To Go

I don't quite know what my problem was today but man I was being a total turd. I can say this because I'm confident enough of a person to say when I've been a huge, fat turd.

Right now I'm feeling better because I watched tv with Annie, had some friendship chat with Brandy, and just downloaded Paris Hilton's "Stars Are Blind". Yeah did I just type that? Umm....yeah. Listen, if you didn't know it was her singing you'd like the song too. It has this Jamaican thing happening. And I for one think - oh god who cares. Go to bed already Allocco. Go to bed.

OKAY but before I hit myself over the head with a frying pan in order to sleep soundly, please go watch "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia". It's nothing short of brilliant. Get on that shit fast would ya sailor? A thank you.

Soft Like Dough

My brain feels like mush. Maybe it's the drinking from last night. Regardless I'm making pasta sauce with chicken sausage and drinking red wine. Oh right and now watching "The Office" with Annie. I don't watch a lot of tv. Well I do, but it's usually late night (no not skinemax you perverts!) This US version - not so bad. I actually like it. I used to have a slight crush on that BJ Novak kid when he was on "Punk'd". Now he just looks like someone I worked with at an Internet Company back in 2000.

Oh and if you're curious george then I am pasting this because let's face it - it's the summer and I clearly want to be ten again.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Happy Gay Pride Day!

* Someday in the near future I shall update my flickr page. This means that I shall add recent photos from the past two months (most stolen from other's flickr pages) and will group them into albums.

**Photos above taken by the adorably lovely Anya Garrett at the "Honesty" shoot last week.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Scenes from a Beachy Weekend

Fire Island sure is perty....

Wedgie likes to drink like his momma

Not the place where we stayed

Thumbs up for alcoholism! (side note: after this photo was taken I left Brandy a very, very, very drunk voicemail)

Beware! If you put "Desperado" in, "Oops I Farted Again" may come up instead.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

My Father, The Hero

Well my father has done it again. This morning he went in for surgery on his shoulder and he is doing GREAT. I don't know how this man does it. Triple bypass, cancer twice, smoker for over 40 years (and counting) - oh and his normal diet consists of anything charred, fried, or greasy. Is it any wonder his daughters all have cholesterol over 400? (well Melissa does, SJ is on the fancy lipitor!) Daddy, you are very very lucky to not give a rat's ass at all about your health and have so many chances.

You are invisible. Like Marley who at 13 is still the coolest, handsomest dog in the world.

Also, you and mommy made me in a puppy mill because at 27 I have more health problems than an 83 year-old man in Boca.

Thanks you two.

Now go on -get out of that recovery room and get yourself a chocolate Fribble from Friendly's. But so help me god if I see you light up one cigarette….I am telling mommy.


Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Jimmy Crapped Corn, And Allocco Didn't Care

Somebody on Church Street finds me to be exceptional. Take that Andrew Lyode Webber.


See, it's true I am an actress.

Some modeling shots of me from childhood. Oddly enough this one was hung backstage

SJ and OD yelling something obnoxious about Barber's boobs I'm sure

So what if I'm ten days too late in posting some pictures from The Kissing Booth's debut and afterparty? It's the thought that counts. Sort of like me telling my sister that we'll go to Whole Foods today for lunch where I end up piling anything in the form of a fried carbohydrate in my plastic dish, then throw some steamed string beans on top for good measure. Right. Just like that Allocco.

Monday, June 19, 2006

It's Nothing More Than a Hundred Men or More Could Ever Do

Man I have gas. Not that bad kind fellas. Don't worry. SJ is all class. No I keep having these weird Ashlee Simpson-esque acid reflux happenings. Usually at this point I've already contacted my doctor, called an ambulance, while figuring out who gets to keep my handbag collection when I pass on. HYPO - CHONDRIAC. HYPO - CHONDRIAC. Come on, it's like Marco-Polo except when you shout HYPO, I don't jump into a pool. No. I jump online to see if I can Google my symptoms. Usually it's always something terrible. Once in a while...small pox. Hey I take what I can get at this point.

It's MONDAY! Every one psyched about being back at work? (Not so fast Barber, Rozzi)

Yeah well I sure know that I am feeling great about going in this week. Hmm, I wonder why that is? Maybe it's all the free food? Nah, after four years I've had enough catered sandwiches and stale bagels to last me....well a lifetime. So wait why is little SJ just about as happy as a clam (bearded…eww gross Allocco). Think about it and get back to me.

Well, yesterday I shot something for Comedy Central's "Motherload" with a ton of cool peeps. Some I know very well, others I know even better after spending nearly eight hours in a funeral home with them. Fun fun fun. We shot both a wedding scene, and a funeral. Go figure.

I played the slutty bridesmaid.

Go figure.

OH OH OH. I have a new knock knock joke based on those deliciously funny Goofus and Gallant cartoons (found in Highlife...or is that Highlights for kids?)

Me: Knock Knock
You: Who's there?
Me: Boo
You: Boo Hoo
Me: Aww now you're starting to sound like people who work in offices who like to complain about how much work they have to do, hoping that you'll feel guilty for them, but really you could give a huge shit.

TA DA! Like it? Yeah I know, it had no references to Goofus and Gallant what-so-ever.

Much like your job, deal with it homies.

Happy, happy Monday!

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Down and Out Like FDR

As of 1pm today I have been bedridden. Like a polio victim. My crackerpot of a doctor, who got his medical degree during the great depression, prescribed me antibiotics which I have gotten an allergic reaction to. So vomiting, dizziness, and severe muscle aches have been plaguing me since 4am this morning. Instead of working a full day, and then doing two shows (Swollen Head, Yamaholiday) I am three seconds from having my roommate build me one of these.

Also I am well aware of the fact that I have been a royal deadbeat when it comes to updating this blog. When I can actually stand and not feel like a 500 pound man is sitting on my legs, I'll...type more. Yeah that's it.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Last Dance For a While

If you missed our show last night then you sires and madams shall be fixed as we see fit.

I'm far too tired, hung over and full of Wo Hop cuisine from a 3am romp. Eventually I'll write a blog entry that doesn't sound like one Sammy the 8 year-old retarded chimp wrote.

Special thanks to John, Michelle, Adira, and Seth for being so lovely and talented, Jerry, Jon, and Law. OH right and the audience for coming!

Our next show will be in July. Date and location is TBD. What's not TBD - good times. I'm sure there will be some. Okay Sammy, time to put that keyboard down and play with your pet hampster "Phantom".

Big ups to Brian for taking such great shots. How nice of you to come, devote time, then post these quickly enough for me to steal them from your flickr page. Though I did at times think you were a paparrazo from Us Weekly. This whore doesn't mind.

Check out show, and after party pics here:

Friday, June 09, 2006

Pucker Up for Comedy TONIGHT

THE KISSING BOOTH: Pucker Up For Comedy.

Adira Amram
John F. O'Donnell
Michelle Collins
Seth Herzog

hosted by Brandy & Sara

with DJ Law Tarello

With dancing, karaoke, fighting and $2 beers! And maybe, just maybe, a real live kissing booth. You'll have to come to see.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

My Biggest Fan

At this particular moment, I liked the following three things:

1) My new t-shirt that appropriately reads "Gimme, Gimme, Gimme"
2) My free bottle of Corona
3) The enormous fan in the basement of Siberia where I cooled off after Brandy and I did our set.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

DJ Please Pick Up Your Phone, I'm on the Request Line

The album cover for "Sugar Walls"

Train slowly rolling off the tracks

Kiss. Kiss.

calisthenics works y'all.

This little lady is high class. Obviously.

Brooklyn Friendships with hot dogs and burnt turkey dogs.

Some old man's glasses look good on anyone.....right?

Brandy will now be using this on me since we lost each other four times in under twenty minutes at the flea market.

No really, see even Greg looks great in them.

Oh Brooklyn, you really are the tops. Two nights in a row. Free champagne, dancing, shots, and me almost being murdered by an entire packed bar as I switched the song on the bartender's ipod from "I would Die 4 U" to "Too Young". Jeez, sorry if I'm the only one who likes Phoenix.

But seriously Brooklyn, why don't you ever call?

Loving you.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

I Make it Hot When It's 20 Mutha F*cking Below

Today has been well spent thus far. Went to bed around 4am after falling asleep in a cab and awaking to the cab driver yelling "left side or right side??". Sire, ALWAYS the right side. Peeled my contacts out of my eyes, brushed teeth, threw off clothing, got into a Lubbock Texas t-shirt. Fell asleep. Ahhh...

Awoke at 10am to "Call Me" from Blondie playing on my cellphone. It's my mom (she requested that song as her ringtone bitches). She's in the Vineyard and having breakfast with her ya ya majong hoes. I fall back to sleep. 1pm, Debbie calls. I decide to stop being gay and chat with her for an hour. Somehow waste three mindless hours doing laundry, cleaning my bedroom, looking at myself in the mirror. When a sudden craving for a chocolate cupcake arises, I am reminded that I stole someone's birthday cupcake last night at that cool speakeasy bar in Williamsburg. That shit be good.

Tis' now after 6pm and I plan on working out, showering, getting dressed, head to the BK for fun times with Bran and Ang. Did someone mention Franzia? Oh right, I did.

Note to self - next time I decide to make a "snack" at 5:30, steer clear of the Gordons Fish Sticks and white rice. Not so tasty without tartar sauce. Parmesan cheese doesn't always do the trick.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Set Adrift of Memory Bliss of You

Here is my past week shown in a huge photo hemorrhage of fun times, Smut, and happy hours.

I'd write more but I'm due in Brooklyn right now and am still in shorts, sneakers, and a Nike exercise bra. Hold your applause.....and boners. Please.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Umm Right, No Thanks

1) Become a lifeguard in the summers so that I can sleep in, get tan, maybe save a life or two.

2) Stop taking so many cabs and living in an apartment I can't afford on a salary that in four years hasn't really increased. Awesome by the way. No really I think it's awesome.

3) Go back to school and get a degree in something like living abroad for a summer. No really, there's a degree somewhere like that....isn't there?

4) Look at the lovely bouquet of flowers a certain someone sent you yeterday and smile.

5) Stop referring to the rude pregant lady in the building as "Fat Stuff".

6) Be proud that you worked out twice this week and each day have been cosuming an entire 33.8 FL OZ bottle of Snap20 water.

7) Work on that damn intro for your show already!

8) Sing along to the radio loudly when people are in the conference room across the hall. Then when asked to be quiet go into some rant about how you were a child your mind of course. Then begin singing "Little People" - Gavroche's solo from Les Miserables.

9) Buy this sweatshirt for each and every one of your lady friends