Monday, February 28, 2005

Yes Virginia, Jamie Foxx Did Win The Oscar (Random Thoughts About Last Night's Show)

Big fucking surprise. I predicted nearly every single winner with the exception of Best Picture. Chris Rock was okay. Hillary Swank's nipples winking at me were not. Charlize and Gwennie looked better last night then they did when they won their awards for Best Actress. Why does Oprah get to attend when she hasn't been nominated for an award since "The Color Purple"? And where was Adrienne Brody and his over used binaca joke? Aw damn, maybe he's too busy dusting off his Oscar and shouting taunts at Leonardo Di Caprio through the television.

BTW - Why doesn't John Travolta just come out of the closet already?

Star Jones' back fat pouring out of the back of her dress was as nauseating as the tribute to dead people. Which I think I took a cat nap during. Ah yes, and Sean Penn - Oscar the Grouch called.... he wants his sense of humor back. Seriously. I pray Chris Rock took a dump on you after you came off of the stage. Let us not forget that Jude may be "a talented actor" but you were once not...."Shanghai Surprise" anyone??! Yeah. Now shut it Penn.

Hey Hollywood - it's Julia Roberts. Let's all hold our breath and hear her first words since giving birth to her two twins...and by twins I am merely speaking of her boobs not those babies she just had. A thank you. A thank you.

What Ever Happened To The Jets?

And I don't mean the gay ass football team. Seriously. What ever happened to this group of singing siblings from Ecuador? Okay maybe they were from's all the same to me because I'm a white girl from Long Island and I only know that I liked their music when I was 7.

So there.

Play me another one Ipod and let's hope to Christ that it's "You've Got it All".

Now who wants to buy me this cop of their greatest hits? No joke people. Who?

Friday, February 25, 2005

Suddenly The Wheels Are in Motion...

I am going to learn how to post pictures onto this blog - dawg nabit! And I don't care if it takes me all day to try and figure out just how to post pictures. But rest assured - there will be photos a plenty once Sara Jo learns to master the art of technology.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

All Your Life You've Never Seen Woman Taken By The Wind

I just blew across the 33rd street wind tunnel on my way into the office. This was after spotting a bonafide pimp on the F train and watching majority of the train not offer a very pregnant woman a seat (I did but she politely declined). I am now eating Kellogg's Corn Pops and drinking a vanilla skim latte from Starbucks. I will also be a bit off today because I left my cellphone at Brandy's so I have no way of contacting people since I've decided to not memorize one phone number in my address book. It's amazing I know my own.

I also think that my synthroid is making me a little crazy. Crazy as in panic attacks, rapid heart beat, and a little cloudiness I feel from time to time. I think it's sweet that as I'm experiencing these symptoms, my doctor happens to be away on vacation. Maybe I'll have to call Dr Genden (love of my life) and see what he recommends. And here's hoping it's a date with him to see the "Gates".

What A Weirdo

I have got to get myself some sleep. I feel like I'm coming down with something and am too tired to be witty. (the horror) I'm sort of done dealing with certain people, places, and things in my life. But above all - you are a weirdo.

You know who you are jerk off. And you don't even read this.

Your truly,

Monday, February 21, 2005

The saddest version of "Time After Time"...

is playing in my parent's kitchen right now. My mom has this CD: "Piano By Moonlight" that may as well just be punching me in the baby-maker with each new "hit" being played solely on piano. How could I not want to take my own life as I hear such hits as: "I Don't Know How to Love Him", "She's Out of My Life" , and the theme song from "Love Story" orchestrated by some man named Carl Day??!! Dear Lord Val - you wanna switch this now or after I've tied some string around my neck?? This is more depressing than watching old episodes of "Family Feud" with Ray Combs.

Someone pass me the remote and the scotch.


When I was in 7th grade Balderdash! was my favorite game. I was just reminded of this because it's 9:15am and I'm eating chocolate chip pancakes. Oh right - and I'm crazy.

And now to quote a friend: (This is the new part of my blog where I will give random quotes my friends have recently said)

"When I moved to the city the first three months I was such a mess that I didn't even have time to moisturize my hands" - Danielle DeSantis
"I just want to put you in a bib and feed you some soup" - Kevin Scott.
"How does Commerce Bank make any money when they give everything away for free?" - Pat Smith
"I think the kitten had something to do with it" - Brandy Barber

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Panic Attack, Sara Had a Panic Attack

This afternoon while driving with my mom I had myself an old-fashion panic attack. Not to be confused with the more modern rambling attacks. This one was pure drama and hysteria all the way. I'm not sure why or how it even began, but I do know that I had meself one and it wasn't pretty.

And Another Thing

Why must Rufus Wainwright be gay? Why can't he be totally straight and like tiny girls with blonde hair who tell jokes now and then? Why can't he be emotionally stable and write songs about our love? Why am I asking that a blatantly gay man be straight? Cue "Pretty Things" and watch Sara sob.

I am convinced that women who drive minivans are the world's worst drivers. No seriously. These are the same women who spent too much time baking shit in home-ec that they never learned how to properly use a directional in driver's ed.

I ate corned beef hash and eggwhites for breakfast and didn't come up for air once.

I've decided that the next time I karaoke I am going to sing Thelma Houston's "Don't Leave me This Way".

I am counting down the days until Jack Johnson's new cd comes out and in the meantime keep watching his new video "Sitting, Waiting, Wishing" on his website. Check it out. (Hint - he's the handsome one playing the guitar. I love you sweet prince of surf and good time jams)

My sketch writing class makes me very happy. Thank god for that creative outlet, my marvelous teacher Kevin Allison, and my fun writing friends.

And now a short story: "I've Stayed at This Table for Too Long" By Sara Jo Allocco
There is this table at this particular restaurant that I have stayed at for too long. The food isn't great and the service is so-so, but I continue to visit this restaurant with the hopes that at some point their menu will change and their servers will be nicer. I don't know what it is I expect to get from this restaurant or even this particular table, but lately it's flaws are beginning to show. It's not as cool as I once thought it to be. The linens are pretty dirty and the plates are chipped. The food is served cold and the soda is flat. But there is this table at this particular restaurant that I have stayed at for too long.

This is how I feel about certain things going on in my life at this moment. I think it's time to get my check and leave.

"Yo Bro - What's Going On?"

I just spent the past hour listening to some creep on the train yelling into his cellphone for no good reason other than the fact that he was a grade A asshole. First of all, guys who talk about how drunk they are going to get while calling people "bro's" are the opposite of cool. They are usually dickwads who live in Westbury or Carle Place. Sure enough, this gem resided in the latter.

You know who are also dickwads?? (I mean while I'm on the topic) guys who automatically think they're cool because of what they do or where they work. My dear friend Brandy was telling me a story about this party she went to where this guy tried to impress her with what he did for a living and she said, "Oh that's nice" (insert yawn) Then excitedly proclaimed "Yay cheese!" after spotting a cheeseball platter. (No pun intended)

Guys, we are not impressed with the following:
1) What you do for a living - unless you just found the cure for cancer or recently stopped a gang of terrorists from blowing up the A train... then honestly your job does nothing for me. I'm glad you work and that it makes you happy but enough already - just shut up and get me another Amstel.
2) How drunk or high you get. Are you a retard? This was only cool in high school. (but barely) Now it's just sad...and gay.
3) What girls you once dated/hit on/almost hooked up with. Unless she's my sister or one of my girlfriends I'd rather not know but thanks for trying to keep me informed on your former dating life BS: Before Sara. Actually that's quite appropriate because before me I'm sure it was all bullshit! (insert Peculiar Purple Pie Man rant from "Strawberry Shortcake")
4) What self-important assholes you hang out with. Maybe the NYU coed you used to date and her 22 year old friends are impressed but lucky for me, I'm not.

Things that I Would Be Impressed With:
1) That you are Kenny Loggins and just wrote a song for me
2) That you are cool and normal and fun to hang out with minus any weird hangups or awkward traits.
3) that you wrote the theme song to "Caddyshack"

OK - it's true. The only person on this earth who could impress me is Kenny Loggins. So sue me!

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Seriously Sara Stop Writing on Your Blog

Yeah I know. I really should stop. But I have so much on my mind today. I was let down by someone and raised up by someone else. In both cases I didn't expect either of them to act in the way they did. It's magical! Okay you know what's truly magical - that I'm no longer blinded by retards who try to act a certain way. I feel like Scott Baio in "Zapped" . Except instead of being able to remove women's clothing I can read people's minds and hence get a better insight into their character. I'm so over making excuses for certain actions of people and deeming them as normal when truly they are the opposite of normal. I've learned to accept that some folks are just weird and that's that. And I'm over it. Like I'm totally over it. Over it in the same way I was suddenly over Donnie Wahlberg and the New Kids on the block in 7th grade. I woke up one morning and decided that I didn't like them as much as I had in the past. I saw Donnie for what he was - a kid from South Boston with a rat tail and replaced his photo on my wall with Keanu Reeves. And I haven't looked back since.

Sara Jo Back on Stage

What: Sketch Show with Kevin Allison ("The State")
When: Saturday March 12th @9:30pm
Where: The People's Improv Theater

Hope to see you there!

El Senor Douchebag

I hate when guys are mean to my friends. Especially guys who dated my friends for a long period of time. How dare they try to win every argument while trying to one up them and make them jealous by flirting with girls who pair a tube top with glasses because they want to be known for their brains not their looks.

I am moving near one of my good friends' ex-boyfriends. Same ex-boyfriend who when he spotted me in a bar once, walked into the wall instead of walking by and making eye contact. Loser. Like I wouldn't notice his big block head coming at me from a mile away. Actually I was about to yell out "Holy crap guys it's Charlie Brown!" but sadly he wasn't wearing his yellow t-shirt with the black squiggly line.

Things that are not cool to do to my friends (and this goes beyond "girl power" theme songs)

1) Yelling at them and telling them they are crazy.
2) Ignoring them and trying to make them jealous when you see them out. Do I need to sing "Look Away" by Chicago in order to make you a more decent human being??
3) Avoiding a conversation with me who never did a thing to you and used to side with your fat ass because I give people the benefit of the doubt.
4) Proclaiming how you'd never date a certain type of girl and that you love my friend because she is different, then the minute she dumps your ass you're on the first train to "Tutor Time" trying to round up a bevy of 19 year olds who'll think that you're rich, smart, and funny because the guys they date take them for wings at Down the Hatch but you took them to Divine Bar and the Outback in Midtown.
5) Emailing them out of the blue just to torture them by telling them that you miss them. Then when you hear that they are actually doing much better without you, calling them sluts and demanding your "Dave Matthews" CD back.

Lunch Break: I Don't Mind Spending Everyday Out on Your Corner in the Pouring Rain

I really like the Maroon 5 song "She Will Be Loved" . I've liked it since it first came out last summer and I will continue to like it for maybe another summer or so, then I'll grow tired of it and then eventually I may like it again. This seems to be a pattern in my life. I'll instantly love something - think it's the greatest thing and then after professing my life for it will consume too much of it, then grow bored with it and wonder what I liked about it in the first place. Once in a while I'll love something but not know how much I love it until I don't have it anymore. Then the next thing you know, you'll be driving in your mom's Explorer and hear "Hold On" by EnVogue and scream out loud "OH MY GOD I FUCKING LOVE THIS SONG". I've seen it a hundred times.

Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time

I was starving when I got off the train and at 10pm I had two options: fast food or eating the chicken my parents made for the dogs. Naturally I selected McDonalds. I hadn't had a cheeseburger in so long from there and it seemed like a fantastic idea. Sadly now I feel sort of sick and wish I didn't eat it. I should always save myself for the better of the burgers who know how to treat a lady and make her feel full and loved. I've decided to give up crappy burgers for good. They're not worth it and always end up leaving me feeling less than satisfied. God I miss McHales.

Baby I've Been Here Before. I've Seen These Walls I've Walked These Halls...

And finally my friends I have found a place to call my own. Well Annie and I have found a place to call our own. After quite a stressful day (with a slight nervous breakdown) we got approved for our new adorable apartment! Very excited and loving the area and the apartment! Not so much loving the past three hours of my life which involved me sitting next to the bizarro Katherine Hepburn and Henry Fonda on the LIRR (no seriously I was on fucking "Golden Pond") and being accused of taking up too many seats (so what if my bags were covering three of the four available) and stealing the old bat's ticket. I kindly pointed out that it was my ticket because I bought a Peak ticket and her old beatnik husband had to pay $3 extra for hers. Then I muttered under my breath "Get your eyesight checked granny". Then the train got stuck in Jamaica and we ended up being 45 minutes late. This my friends is why I refuse to be a commuter and instead pay high rents to live in the glorious city known as the Big Apple. (insert trumpet playing here)

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Magic in the Air

I had the most wonderful Valentines Day! It was so much fun and I'm so glad I was able to spend it with some of my favorite people last night. There was a great group of friends, co-workers, friends of friends, and minis. We did karaoke at Winnie's in Chinatown and after one too many mai tais the night becomes a blur but I do remember that I had SO MUCH FUN. I was just reminded by my good friend Angela that one of the highlights was the 16 person chorus of "We are the World". Thanks to me being a total black out drunk I just remembered that. But oh what a fun night!

Monday, February 14, 2005

Song List

So tonight is the karaoke jamboree at Winnie's in honor of V-day. Bunch of peeps - some single, some in couples, some very single - all ready to drink and have the good times as they say. Here is what I'm thinking about singing:

1) "Since You've Been Gone" - Kelly Clarkson
2) "I Can't Make You Love Me" - Bonnie Raitt
3) "We Belong" - Pat Benetar
4) "I Honestly Love You" - Olivia Newton John (dedicated to Dr will be mine someday good sir it's just a matter of really the where not the when)
5) "Heartbreak Hotel" (duet with Brandy) - Whitney Houston
6) "Saving All My Love for You" - Whitney Houston

Cry Me A River...Go on and just..

Well today is a brand new day in that "The Wiz" sort of way. I started back to work after being out sick for 7 weeks and was welcomed back with a lovely breakfast from the team. Always a nice treat to come back to bacon and cheese burritos and fresh fruit. I have to say that it does feel good being back to somewhat normalcy and I know now that my life truly has changed since everything happened. I just see things and people in a different way then maybe I didn't at first. Certain things happen in our life that make us more aware of the people, places and things around us that we either spent too much time focusing on or not enough time. Let me just say that I am different person than I was last year....okay even as recently as December. I don't have time in my life anymore for bullshit or drama and I am willing to just let certain things go for the sake of letting them go. If it's not meant to be then why fight the forces of nature.

Annie and I are really getting tired by this whole apartment search but I am so lucky to have her as a roommate. We both have the same outlook and feelings about what we should be living in that it's refreshing to be on the same page as someone. We're both actively looking, doing research, and comparing notes. We're also both trying to save a dime here, so it's not as though one of us is like "Oh it's only four grand - why not take it??!!" If either of us ever makes a remark like that then you my good people who read this blog, have every right to drop a rock on our heads.

So I have been staying with Kelly and her roommate Casey who have been fantastic and last night while watching "Desperate Housewives" I almost started crying at the part when the old bitchy neighbor talked about her dead son, and then during the Grammy's did lose it when Melissa Etheridge came out with her shaved head and sang "Piece of My Heart". I cried because she is so fierce and is winning her battle with breast cancer and it made me cry and smile. I think I became a lesbian for those four minutes. Then I spotted John Mayer in the audience and realized that I like cute funny boys instead. Ah well Melis, didn't we almost have it all?

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Update: Make Up for Under 30

I managed to not only get some nice mascara, shadow, and eyeliner for less than $20 - but how about we thrown in some really nice spongy Maybelline foundation as well! Okay so it's not the right shade and I look like I'm three minutes to show at the Osaka Kabuki Theater in Japan. BUT - it's true people....CVS will give you your money back and/or exchange the product (with receipt) no questions asked. You don't know how nice it is to hear that. I once tried to return something to the MAC counter at Macys during a lunch break and ended up being branded with a huge M on my ass for even suggesting that Dojo or whatever the hell his name was, didn't know how to do his job. Then not only did I keep the frosted piece of eyetrash I was wearing, but I managed to spend another $40 on a brush because I apparently don't know how to put makeup on to their liking.

Next week upon my return to work, if I do make it past Macy's I'll be sure to saunter in showing off my new pretty face. Then I'll have my own "Pretty Woman" moment when they ask to help me and I'll say "Do you work on commission? Big Mistake. Huge Mistake." as I twirl my CVS bag in their faces. Then they'll laugh in my face. That's just them being nasty queens is all.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Makeup for Under 30

I have not worn makeup in over a month. I haven't really needed to nor have I wanted to given the circumstances. I do need to face the great city of New York and can no longer hide out like Boo Radley at my parents in LI. So paint me a pretty face ma', Sara Jo's gonna git herself some makeup!

I'm not going to Sephora. I won't go to Bendels. I will however make the long trek of a five minute drive over to my neighborhood CVS and see just how far $30 will get me. I am not too proud to buy Covergirl and Revlon. Especially since I'm usually found giving in at the Bloomingdales in Soho to some go-go dancer name Boy who accuses me of wearing too much lipgloss. How dare he/she?? I am going into CVS and trusting my own instincts. Plus I think they have this fabulous policy of "You hate it - We take it back"

I am going right now and will return with a full report of what I've bought.

This could be my most exciting post yet!! (insert sarcastic smile here)

And I Think It's Going to Hurt Me for a Long, Long Time.

Before getting sick, I didn't really get home all that much. Sure I'd come home for a weekend here and a quick visit there, but I'm talking about the more substantial weeks at a time. It just hasn't been possible (or really required of me) since I moved into the city and started working full time. And the days I didn't work were either because I was hung over or wanted to go shopping with friends and spend my weekends at my apartment in the city.

During the summers of college when I didn't really have to work (unless by work you mean those ten measly hours I'd spend answering telephones at an Allstate office), I'd usually take my beloved Passat and drive it all around town while over singing the Dixie Chicks entire "Fly" CD. There was also that time I almost hit an old Chinese man on a bike because I was too busy shouting "Wide Open Spaces" out of my sunroof (off of their first CD). I'd grab a cup of coffee, maybe a donut or a few muchkins from Dunkin Donuts and just drive for like a good hour in the morning. I never went far. I just drove through the windy streets, by the water, into town and made different routes and loops all over a 10 mile stretch.

Usher P Raymond - this is my confession: I did it this morning. Though I no longer have the Passat (good riddance you poor excuse for a well made car!) I drove my mothers tank of an SUV after dropping her off at work. I figured well I'm up and the chances of me going back to bed at 8:30 are slim to none so I might as welllllll SING! And drive. So that's what I did.

It started innocently enough with "Cowboy Take Me Away" with a nice slow pace of a drive along the water. Then "Goodbye Earl" kicked things into high gear as I did the reverse wave* to the little kids who were waiting for the bus and throwing snow at passing cars. They were too confused to throw it at mine. Amateurs. Then by the time "Heartbreak Town" came on, I was nearly in tears driving down Main Street which at 9am is still very peaceful and quiet. I was reminded of a story my sister told me last night about some kid I went to high school with who apparently went to one of the three bars down there and drove home drunk and hit a snow bank and passed out. They found cocaine in his shirt pocket and she shook her head and said, "He's such a nice kid". No he wasn't. He was the biggest druggie/fuck up in school. I was more surprised that he had on a dress shirt with a front pocket.

That's the thing about being home. Nothing surprises me. When so and so's parents finally get a divorce you don't stop and think "But they were so happy". No. You think "Oh that makes sense I never saw them in the same room". When the town tramp gets pregnant at 20 and moves to Florida with her 29 year old boyfriend to live in a trailer park in the Kissimee St. Cloud area, it makes sense. It's written somewhere I'm pretty sure in stone that if you were the Big Asshole on Campus who used to be good looking and now work for Geico and spend your entire $22,000 paycheck at Gunthers - this too is not a shocker. The druggies will be druggies. The sluts will be sluts. The assholes will be assholes. And Sara Jo and her friends will always be fabulous.

* The Reverse Wave - When you honk the horn at someone and then wave in the opposite direction of where they are standing. It's a classic dick move that even at the age of 26 still manages to make me pee my pants a little.

Monday, February 07, 2005

How Did You Know? Cuz' I Never Told. You Found Out - I've Got a Crush on You.

Is it weird that today during my full radioactive body scan I caught myself flirting with the young doctor who was helping me??? He started it!! He smiled and flashed those baby blues and my oh my was he tall and handsome. (also no wedding ring!) He kept trying to make sure I was comfortable and I was so happy that I remembered to shave my legs and put a matching outfit on this morning. Also everytime I needed to get up, he gave me his hand to help get me off the bed. Had I not been radioactive I would have pulled him on top of me.

Dr Robert Something Or Other - why you stop trippin' and give this blondie a her parents. On second thought I'll be back at my office next Monday. Call me there. **

In other doctor related news, I had to email my first love of 2005 - Dr Genden. I had to see if there are any restrictions before I go back to work and he told me that there shouldn't be anything and that if I need anything to let him know. Dr. Genden - I have been radioactive for 8 days and sick from the world since January. Where shall my list begin...? Slow walks along the Hudson? A romantic dinner for two at Dallas BBQ? A Wednesday matinee of "Phantom of the Opera"?? How about if I just come and meet you on your next 5 minute break and we can have soup from the cafeteria and you can admire my scar while I try not to sit on your face. WHAT THE??!! Until then - sweet kisses mon petit docteur. **

**Nightingale Effect - Where patients temporarily "fall in love" with their caregiver because they are vulnerable while they are sick and their defenses are down.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

There's Something Wrong With.........

1) Paris Hilton hosting SNL. I didn't want to watch it last night - but when your napping at 4 o'clock for three hours like your Grandpa Sal, it's hard to fall asleep before midnight. Plus I had to watch my favorites - Keane. (insert swoon and schoolgirl blush) I actually wanted to be fair and give her the benefit of the doubt hoping that she'd surprise me and play a nice range of characters. At the very least put on a pair of glasses and a short wig. Alas, this was not the case. Paris had to make sure in every sketch she played the "hot chick". I found comfort in the fact that not one of her lines got a laugh. That is - when she actually said something. They probably did that because she's a no-talent ass clown that only knows how to say the following three phrases:
1) "That's Hot"
2) "Uh-huh"
3) "Eww"
I doubt she even needed cue cards. Tramp.

But what a delight it was to finally see Keane perform live. I hate to say I "discovered Keane" because let's face it - I caught them early this past summer on really, how cool am I? (very!) But if it's any consolation I did try to see them at Roseland (or maybe it was Irving Plaza) in September and they were sold out!! The nerve! Obviously they have bigger fans than Sara Jo. But honestly - the nerve!

2) Me being sad that I'm too radioactive to go to a Superbowl party. There's nothing I enjoy more than finger foods and drinking beer at 3 o'clock on a Sunday. I don't even pretend to be the girl who is interested in watching the game. I honestly just came for the keg and wings. And yes, it's because I'm a lady.

3) Jamie Foxx's acceptance speech at last night's SAG awards. Jamie, if you do that "Whoa. Uhhh." thing you did last night and at the Golden Globes one more time, I will personally dig up the body of Ray Charles and have you bitch slapped with his decrepit hand! Ease up on the jokes. Yes you're funny. But this isn't your 7 minute set on "The Tonight Show". So chill the fuck out man. For reals.

4) Me taking comfort in knowing that Jessica Simpson has four cavities and needed a root canal on this week's episode of "Newlyweds". I myself have recently been warned by my dentist about a cavity that I should have filled, but I think I've been dealing with enough right now....sooooo I'm pushing it off until the Spring. A sister can really only handle so much at one time. Ease off my back Dr. Klasfeld - I will take care of it in May!!

Friday, February 04, 2005

On a Brighter Note...

I am so in love with living in New York right now (even if they do have douches for realtors). I am very proud to say that I am a life long New Yorker-born and raised.

I tip my hat to you oh glorious Empire State for finally doing what's right.

It's Official: I am Pissed.

Am I to believe that there isn't one decent apartment for Annie and I to live in in this god forsaken city?? Sure we're being picky. I mean if wanting to be oh say at least two avenues near a subway so that it doesn't seem as though we live on a barge in the fucking East River - is called "Picky" then: Hooray!! We are picky!!

I am twelve (count em' 12) seconds from doing any of the following:
1) delivering my radioactive waste in a package post marked NO FEE to the many brokers who are trying to take Annie and I for a ride
2) Building our own apt (out of tarps and boxes and some string) in Gramercy Park. (F the key - we'll scale the fence every night)
3) Calling brokers just to be a total ass by stating that we have $8,000 and would love to see the tiniest 2 bedroom our money can buy and that we'll double their fee. Then making them wait for us while we giggle on the nearest corner thus never showing up.
4) Living in a van down by the river with moonshaped windows and shag carpeting that I'm sure Annie will be able to make look amazing. Then when people say, "Oh where do you live??" We can say, "West Village" or "Flatiron" or even "Trump Tower" because we'll drive our van all over the city and sleep in these areas for the night. I'd even be happy to purchase a bumper sticker that reads: "If this Van is a Rockin' Don't Come a Knockin"
5) crying uncontrollably until someone gives me my hormone pills. (Monday can't come soon enough)

I didn't just arrive at Port Authority yesterday with a straw suitcase and a bus pass - and neither did Annie. We will find ourselves a fantastic place. This I am certain of. But they really don't make it easy for you, do they? It's been almost two years since I've had to look. I cannot believe what assholes people truly are. I am a bit surprised at the lack of decent apartments out there - EVEN WITH A FEE.

How is it that someone has the audacity to charge you two months rent for opening a door and asking you to sign papers. I know many a friend who has been through this: found their own place but still had to pay a fee. That shit is not gonna fly. Not now. Not ever........okay maybe on Feb 28th. But that's my limit!!!

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Stolen Useless Jokes

Jesus Christ. Another joke from my witty repertoire - stolen! Okay maybe it wasn't "stolen" but please answer me this: how many of you when you catch a young man with a side swipe of fancy bangs automatically think of Herbie (or Hermey depending who's counting) the elf turned dentist from "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer" ???!! That's what I thought.

I spotted my first Herbie/Hermey back in 2000 in my days working as an assistant at a now defunct internet company. One of the pretty boys from the south (wore Gucci loafers, no socks, Thomas pink shirts - in other words GAY!!) had this blonde flip that I immediately looked and exclaimed, "Holy Shit Jack - you look like Herbie* the Dentist." In his prissy little southern drawl he said, "What eva do you mean" . ( He so liked getting poked in the bung hole ... not that there's anything wrong with that) Since then I have used the term for reals and affectionately suggesting certain people's hair possesses the "Herbie Bang". Now nine times out of ten it's done out of pure jest solely for my own personal amusement. With Jack this wasn't the case. I started to transfer his calls and would announce over the phone system "Is Herbie free to take calls or is his head buried in his Book of Dentistry again." Usually a few of the more normal people I worked with would laugh and then they too began calling him Herbie. Thus the "Herbie Bang" began.

So imagine my surprise 5 years later, when I find an article on Gawker calling some gay fashion designer's look very Hermie from Rudolph. How dare they! Really how dare I not patent that shit. Patent what - I have no clue. Apparently I think along the same lines as gay men.

** I must confess that for ever I though his name was Herbie. I stand corrected. Nevertheless still upset - but corrected.

You Made Me Watch You..I Didn't Want to Do It. I Didn't Want to Do It

I have been asleep ALL DAY. No joke. I slept until 11am, then watched the E! True Hollywood Story, "The Last Days of Judy Garland" , cried, and was somehow taken over by the ghost of JG as I shouted at my mother for my pills and kept hysterically shouting "When is it my chance to make it over the rainbow??!!". This does not include the random outbursts of me singing "You Made Me Love You" and "The Trolley Song". I just have one question - Mickey Rooney is still alive?? I thought he died in the late 80's with the Lucille Balls, Liberaces, and Ronald Regans (mentally that is). My doubts were confirmed when I saw that little midget on some old persons insurance commercial where he may or may not have ended up jitterbugging out of frame. I don't make this stuff up people.

Also: I kept my word on eating everything that wasn't nailed down. Though I didn't enjoy the taste of a delicious Friendly's lunch and Fribble (which my mom did offer to get me) I did manage to eat:
One pear pocket and cup of coffee with milk (a thank you a thank you)
A Fajita Burrito with sour cream and extra guacamole
A dinner of linguini with white clamsauce from my favorite Italian restaurant (take out of course) a gargonzola salad, and a nice piece of cheesecake washed down with a cup of hot chocolate.

Did I mention my six hour nap somewhere between the burrito and the linguini?? Jesus Christ. I was completely wiped. I'm still tired too! Okay they were not kidding with these side effects. I think my parents can't wait for my radioactive self to go to bed either. My mom mentioned something about me not watching anymore biographies on dead people because I become obsessed. How dare she!! I mean ha! Ha! Ha! My rebuttal was pure confirmation on her part when I turned to her and said, " Well answer me this Val, if happy little blue birds fly beyond the rainbow, why oh why can't I?". She gave me a look for a second before slowly backing out of the kitchen. Next thing I heard was her running up the stairs. Nice. Now where are those damn pills??!!

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Next Stop....Orlando

My. My. Tis a pity. It seems Kate "3 pound" Bosworth and Orlando Bloom have called it quits.

Does this mean that she will finally eat that much needed bacon cheeseburger from McHale's??

Does this mean that he is now offically back on the market for my chicken claw-like hands to pry at??

Menu of Love

By this time tomorrow I will be stuffing my fat face with the following:

Enchilada and Cheese smothered in Guacamole and Sour Cream
Chocolate Fribble from Friendly's
Chicken Fingers from Friendly's
An everything bagel toasted with olive cream cheese
Tall Vanilla Skim Latte from Starbucks
Pear pastry pocket from local bakery

At some point I may or may not see to it that my mom takes a trip over to CVS where she will purchase for me the following:
one large bag of Valentines M&M's (plain)
one bag of chocolate twizzlers
one bag of mini almond joys
People Magazine

By this time, Friday I will either have gained 45 pounds or have gone into a diabetic coma.

Until then.... sweet dreams my favorite delectable treats. May the trip down to my belly be as sweet as your most excellent tastes. I love you. I've miss you. I cannot wait to eat you all.