Monday, October 31, 2005

Bitches Ain't Sh*t But Hoes and Tricks - In Other Words, Our Halloween Party at Taj Lounge

The night began with these 6 ladies as host..... And eventually these were the last three barely standing....

I think I might still be drunk. Well that and the fact that I have limited time and a party to go to in 20 minutes. But let me say this, I HAD SO MUCH FUN! For more fun pics and party mishaps, check out my flickr page to the right sire.

Just know this - if you weren't there you definently missed out. Suckas.

Friday, October 28, 2005

The Smell of Terror Smells Like Pancakes

First they're gonna feed us. Then they're gonna kill us....

Last night while leaving work at 7:30pm (I know WHAT?!) Vivian and I were heading out to a cab when we both stopped speaking to sniff a sweet scent in the air. "Is Mc Donald's promoting pancakes at night?", we thought aloud. And then in unison (yes just like that ill-fated album by Celine Dion) we shouted, "OH MY GOD IT'S TERRORISTS!!!". Quick get in the cab across town far away from the Lincoln Tunnel - they'll never find us there! On our way across 34th we smelled it again. And again on 23rd. And again on 3rd Ave. WHAT THE F? I even went to bed last night smelling it, then wondered if I was the culprit. I tried to remember what I had for breakfast and if if was in fact delicious waffles or pancakes - then did I take a bath in the syrup? Then I flipped open my laptop this morning and saw this. Thanks for staying on top of it Gawker. I knew making you my home page was a wise thing.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Someday the One You Gave Away Will Be The Only One You're Wishing For

"F you and your shitty Cow Creamer dickface!"
I have to give a warm hug to all of my friends who came out to see Brutal Honesty last night at Otto's (even after I gave the wrong address) Big loves to Bran, Debbie, Ang, Rachel, Rachel, her adorable pal, Rylan, Alex, and to Anne and Viv for sending their best. Giulia, Becky, and Lianne produce a very funny monthly series that you all must check out at least once. It was such great show, with a special thanks to Miss Claudia Cogan. I now know how to check people's identities through their web address. It's a trick o' stalking I shall use wisely.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Want Me. Don't You Want Me?

There is a guy I work with who I find to be very adorable, in that smart/intellectual sort of way. He works in a different deptartment, on a different floor. I have no idea what his name is. I will tell you this - he is sexy and I want to shamelessly flirt with him instead of working on samples. Being in a fashion environment, one can never tell who is or who isn't straight. I'd like to think my gaydar is pretty intact, yet at the same time there have been moments when I am convinced a man is gay...then find out he has a wife and kids. Convinced another is straight, then find out that he just got back from his commitment ceremony in Vermont.

My fears were just confirmed - he's not gay...he has a live in girlfriend. I'd rather he takes it up the cornhole then be seen by Danielle buying furniture at West Elm with his homely lady. Dang nabbit! Whatever, I see no ring on his finger. Everyone can suck it.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Beat It. Troll.

Hey dudes check me out - I'm crazy, sexy, fun..oh yeah and a troll.
Brandy and I were just having a laugh over a recent incident where we saw this girl's picture (who mind you, we both dislike but smile politely whenever we see her and her heinous breath), and convinced everyone around us that not only was she lame and cheesy, but also a man. That's what having a strong jawline and a parrot beaked nose will do to you. Well that and messing with the bull and getting the fucking horns. Polly want a cracker?

I Didn't Steal Your Boyfriend - A Letter To Ashlee

Ugly is as ugly does Ash..

Dear Ashlee,

I am ashamed to admit this, but I like your song "Boyfriend". Why? Because I was shot in the head like Harrison Ford in "Regarding Henry" and must re-learn what music is good and what makes my ears bleed? Because you're all of sudden really talented? No. I think the correct answer is that your creepy sleeze ball father bought you some good songs and computers that do a stupendous job singing for you. And so what if I plan on putting this song on my ipod with serious intentions of playing it Saturday night at the halloween party? (Brandy, Annie, Ang, Danielle, and Giulia - I apologize for this ahead of time). Well don't go getting a big head or in your case a bigger nose. It's a minor crush I have on this song. Just like the minor crush I once had on the guy who becomes the manequin in "Today's Special" on Nickelodeon.


Whatever Went Wrong, Just Tell Me the Song and I'll Sing It - Barber This One's For You

I downloaded a bunch of songs the other day and totally forgot to put them on my ipod. To make up for this I just played "I Want You Back for Good" by the British quintet, Take That three times in a row. I really liked this song when I was 15. And you know what, 11 years later - I still like it. But instead of singing it about some stupid senior with bad Hermey the Dentist bangs, I instead sing it to my true love....Mr Robbie Williams. Robbie, whatever I said, whatever I did I didn't mean it. I just want you back for good. Now bring that sweet apple bottom over to momma. Quickly.

Absolut Drama: My Very Spastic LB Recap

Talan - GED? Sign my yearbook. When did this happen you hoes? Actually I knew about all of this but not thanks to MTV - thanks to people who have an in with laguna .
the end of the beginning
LC - Heidi and Jen - who are they? Jason's car - is ugly. Going to meet grandpa. So cayoot. Wait now what are you doing stephen you psycho. OKay I now know for a fact that Kristen's house did get bigger from last year. Sire please. Stephen and Dieter are lame and going to the graduation? Sorry even if my little brother graduated I'd still not show up a year later at my old high school. I mean, if I had a little brother.

Dieter is a douche in his white OJ bronco. Are these two going to make a the sweet sweet love? ew ga ross I hope not.
Casey invited Alex who looks like she was caught in a drain over to her house. Alex just wants to have Casey's maid Rosalita make her quesadillas. Oh god Alex use a deep conditioner you look like shit. Did you eat Jason's car? Seriously, you look like you already gained the 15 pounds of the freshman 15.

Jason and LC and Dave Matthews sitting in a tree. This is a Dave song right? You know what, in the past three seconds I've heard him say more to LC than Jessica and Alex combined.
Nice house grandpa - you definently win by a mile but um, isn't that the same jacuzzi LC has? UGH he's so gay and lame! He's totally p-whipped by LC's red bikini and large Olsen frames. Bit honestly who isn't?! (insert large shawl thrown over my shoulder ala Rip Taylor)

Commercial break - time for me to shove some more food in my mouth. Oh and to tell you that tonight Ang and I went to a focus group for vodka where we got paid $100 to...drink vodka. Hold on there's a commercial for Rent. Shiny objects. Allocco focus! You know I never saw this musical. I know right? I used to pretend I did then I learned I'm probably a better person b/c I didn't. It's like the time Pat told me that he'd never seen "Clueless" in its entirety but always pretended he did. Now it may not matter, but picture being in a conversation in the late 90's when this crap totally did matter...well to theater fags. Sometimes when I watch commercials I wonder what the role called for and why they went with that certain person. Oh speaking of there's a Verizon wireless commercial I auditioned for back in September. See the role I auditioned for went to a black man. No hard feelings. Had they chosen a short, blonde with blue eyes and Micheal Jackson's nose during the 'Victory" tour, then I'd make a fuss. Oh shit it's back on:

jessica amd alex are nervous and talking about dresses. Wait Kristen has a mom AND another graduation present??? Wasn't that sixty thousand dollar car her gift??! Didn't she have a brother last year? Is he still in the smaller house? Or did they "fire him" from Laguna like they did to the youngest daughter on "Family Matters"?? Alex has a mom, and gets a real diamond ring (thanks MTV!) Jessica got something small. Uh oh Casey got a quesadilla and a punch in the mouth from Rosalita. Oh don't I wish. Alex is going to Spain. Once again, mad props to - hold on a second did Cedric just call Jason CUTIE??!! Cedric wants Jason to take off his clothes and told him to walk down the aisle in boxers. Now he's being a total queen and flashing his boxers. Dang this stuff happens so fast.

Wait who the hell is Alex B?? The Jessie Spano of Laguna? Whatever, I need to see some bitches fall or fight...or fall.

Commercial Break

Back on - Kristen and Alex are in bed. Okay sometimes me and my girlfriends sleep in the same bed...because we're in love. Also because we're friends you perverts!

Going to Casey's for lunch which Casey (read: Rosalita) made. OH MY GOD they just showed Rosalita!!! Okay I totally know that's not her name but excuse me for having a life and not remembering....anyone buying this? There was as much sincerity in that lunch as that time I convinced a boy that I actually liked going to church. Yeah never date an Irish Catholic again is what I say.

GOSSIP!!! LC and Jason are dating! Thanks Alex but I knew this last week numnuts. They are all shouting that Jason doesn't like girls (wink wink Cedric) OH MY GOD AGAIN!! Jason just said he loved Lauren. STOP IT YOU TWO! I MEAN IT! Oh well that's more like him, he just pushed her in the sand.

OH NO THEY DI NT: Next week Trey is back and hoping to raise funds for the mudslide victims. Jessica I think is crawling on Jaosn and LC yells at her and some other crap goers down. Oh the drama never ends, and that my friends is why like Britney is to music, I'm a slave for Lagun......a.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Hunt or Be Hunted

Oops we did it again. Four ladies boarded an 11:05 am train out of Hoboken, after running like contestants on "The Amazing Race", while one who shall remain nameless almost passed out from being so out of shape (I'll give you one was me). An hour and fifty minutes later we were on our way into a normal Saturday in the lives of Sara, Angela, Annie and Danielle. Oh drinking at 1pm - not a problem. In the rain? Excuse us, but we came prepared and ready to play. And play we did.


After 2:30 it became a blur of kegged beer, a boy who resembled a Mr Potato Head doll
complete with curled lashes, a bunch of hoes who Ang almost dragged through mud, one sort of cute guy with an Australian accent, some sorts of douche bags from Jersey, a cowboy hat that belonged to no one that we all decided to sport and pose for pictures in, Coppers, Sunflower cooches, car bombs, mud, Djais in Belmar cheesy dance music, more mud, and at some point Annie and I are able to pry ourselves away from the after- drinking in Hoboken and head back into the city where we had a civilized dinner at Little Frankies. Well by civilized I mean of course the two of us inhaling pasta, drinking wine, and talking very loudly about personal lady stuff. I awoke on Sunday sans headache, and relieved that I wasn't in some gentlemen caller's bed in Hoboken who I met at The Madison and then made out with all the way down Washington Street. Then left in his bed at 7am for the comfort of my own apartment in the West Village. Right Danielle??? A hem!

Annie, Ang, and me in the back of some dude's car...classy

Me and Annie, not so wet but sorta drunk

Ang isn't really touching his nuts and bolts, but I am totally trying to play his bagpipe

You jump over that river o'mud in order to use porter potties. Smart? I think not.

Wet, soaking wet.

On our way out we posed with some nice po-lice

Friday, October 21, 2005

I Will Go In This Way, I'll Find My Own Way Out

Funny, this is EXACTLY what I look like when enroute to orgasmic state.
I have been cursed with the ability to tolerate listening to Dave Matthews "Song 41" playing on my ipod, in my ear, for eight consecutive plays. Seriously, what? Yup. That's right. I took a time machine my friends. And I set the clock to 1997. One thing in my defense (oh right as if I needed one) is that I actually do like this song. Maybe too much. I never really understood it though. Like sometimes I just want to go on a website that explains song lyrics and their meanings...... Fine. Maybe this morning I did go on one to find this magical song's hidden behind-the-scenes story. So what? Leave me alone! I'm a child! A mere child of 26, but nevertheless a child!


Tonight Ang and I spent some quality time together aboard the A then F trains to Park Slope. We both discovered instantly that this was the first time in 5 years of friendship that we've been on a subway together. So I decided to document it with my camera phone. I think Ang would rather I hadn't.

Park Slope is really beautiful. I had been there once but someone drove. We both are volunteers for Gilda's Club. Tonight we decorated their lovely brownstone for the kids Halloween party tomorrow night, which we are both attending as cowgirls. NOT SLUTTY ONES!! Promise. I'm saving that for our Halloween party on the 29th. Yes, where I shall be dressed to the nines as a certain type of lady I often see on the L train coming in from Williamsburg. Suckas!

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Take My Hand Cause We're Walking Out Of Here

If I could go here with you right now I would.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Let The Good Times Roll

Ang waves to a fan, James is smushed, Sara (in Rachel's hat) looks like a flatter Tara Reid, Rachel is beyond sexy.
Last night I had the pleasure of seeing Rachel perform in a "Saved By The Bell" musical down in Alphabet City, to which even Micheal Musto agreed that she stole the show as Screetch Powers.
The night began with me inhaling a bag of cheese doodles (fat free mind you), which I stole from some bodega. Well alright I didn't steal them, but I did ask the man at the counter if I could have them for free. He winked and said, "You come back later". I winked back and replied, "Not a chance". And with that I was off like a prom dress. Then I met up with Ang, James, this kid Frank, and Victor Fishberg - the new love of my life. Sadly, the love of my life perfers the company of men...and wears green pants with navy blue sharks on them. Sigh. When will Sara learn?

Baby's Black Balloon Makes Her Fly....

Wait a second. I have a very important question that needs to be asked. Is "Black Balloon" by The Goo Goo Dolls about heroin? If so, then how come some guy I once dated (I mean like three dates) told me that that song reminded him of me?? Did he think I did heroin? I just heard it on the radio and wondered this aloud to the ears of noone. Perhaps I should have asked this back in 1999 when this song was actually popular. Well by popular I mean of course three people in Buffalo liked it. This kid being one of them. Oh and who's this fine looking specimen to the left? Why it's none other than Miss Anne Woodward dressed as a gay queen in a video we shot for our sketch show with Kevin Allison back in March. I just found this picture and laughed. Hard.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

LC's Got Another Boy in Her Cuzzi - My LB Deadbeat Recap

Why a deadbeat recap might you ask? Well I was out with friends and by the time I got home I had missed half. But here's the 15 minutes worth I did see:

* Kristin gets a BMW X5 MTV probably paid for. Not to sound bitchy (too late I know) but didn't her dad's house seem smaller last year? Like by Laguna standards. I don't know. I just don't know where he got all this money from suddenly (hint - he sells meth to 19 year-olds)

* LC no longer hangs out with Lo but with that really Jappy little brunette skank who's name I didn't catch and couldn't be bothered to read off the tv screen. Jason calls from going one on one with Cedric (insert Jason throwing the ball to Ceddy while "She Will Be Loved" plays. She of course being Ceddy) and invites LC on a date to which she replies in a baby voice, "I'd love to". GA ROSS. In a nutshell she sucks.

* Speaking of sucking Jason Doucheface Le Dickbomb picks LC up in Mr Magoo's car. How embarrassing! I'm surprised his big block head could fit in there. Any who, he is now macking it old school style with LC who is 102% sure she is like so over Steee-phen.

*Lason (yes I've already been so clever as to put their names together b/c no one ever thinks to do that!!!) go to some restaurant and I can hardly believe my ears! Something besides "huh" "yeah" da na na na da na na na Master P styled lyrics are coming out of Jason's mouth! What the......pretty sneaky sis....oh yeah and MTV.

*Oh and at some point Kristin shows her minions her new car and turns on the windshield wipers and lets out one of her howls that let's the camera and everyone else know, "hey I might have just turned on windshield wipers but I AM CRAZY AND FUN!!!!" Good try ho. And if I'm correct I think Jessica tried to hit her in the head with the car door. Nice work big ta-ta's.

*Okay then after dinner LC and Jason are full of delicious foods (thanks again MTV!) and compliments. If I heard her baby voice go, "What?! I'm shy..." one more time, I would have thrown my lamp through the television. A but I didn't.

* Soon they are holding hands, exiting the Mr Magoo mobile and entering LC's grotto and ...hey wait a sec this is some old footage from the season two premiere and...oh no it's not. Different douche this time. Oh LC, you're a little scamp. But momma's not hating, she's congradulating.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone

Just got home from spending the past 30 hours in Connecticut, where my adorable roommate celebrated her 28th birthday with delicious bbq food and a keg full of Magic Hat. It was truly a pleasure to spend the weekend out in the country at her parent's home (sans parents of course because that's how we 18 year-olds). To top it off, it was a beautiful weekend. Isn't it amazing what some nice weather can do to a person's disposition? I went out to lunch with Dan on Saturday and ate al fresco. All around us were people smiling and enjoying the first day of monsoon-free weather. Yes people who weren't in NYC this weekend- it was that nice! Also nice - mixing wine, vodka, Magic Hat and a little herbal remedy and not feeling the least bit hungover. See Mom and Dad, you're daughter really is a class act! And how!

The birthday girl and me*

*photo not from last night. Oh no, those have not been downloaded yet. And sire please, lile I'd really bring an alligator clutch to a bbq??! Well okay maybe I would.

Friday, October 14, 2005

My Biggest Problem At This Current Moment....

...Is trying to figure out how I'm going to spend my $50 gift certificate from Bliss, which I received as a Christmas gift about, oh I don't know, two years ago. Apparently they run out and you can't use them on treatments after a year. I can however, spend $50 on a pair of socks and moisturizer, shampoo, lip stick, bangle bracelet, or shower gel. I almost feel like getting the lipstick and calling it a day. Why is everything so damn expensive at that place? I've heard their treatments aren't even that great. If you want a nice facial at a reasonable price, head over to Mario Badescu. And while you're there ask for some free samples of their Drying Lotion and Seaweed Face Cleanser. Then remind me how lucky I am to have $50 to spend on an eye shadow and chapstick at Bliss.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Fade Into You, I Think It's Strange You Never Knew

Rock me like a hurricane......

Daniel Craig has just been selected to play the coveted James Bond role. As soon as I heard the news I instantly felt a little moist 'down there'. This man has hot sex written all over him and I would like to crawl a-top him and shake that Bond right out of him.

Short, Fat, and Gay

In 6th grade I used to wear a hat very similar to Blossom's on the right. I would spritz myself silly with Debbie Gibson's Electric Youth perfume, and march my way into catholic school every morning. Evidently, I was a total fag. I remember LOVING "Blossom". Oddly enough, I never really went for Joey Lawrence and always found the older drug addict brother Michael more attractive. It's not that I'm attracted to rebels or black sheep. It's that I was and still am very attracted to Jews. So on this holiest of days allow me to reach out to my future Jewish husband and extend my bare left hand, where hopefully a lovely three carat rock will one day appear.


Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga-ross

Quick somebody give her a haircut!
This woman, pictured here with her beaming hubby, just had her 16th child. WHAT??! At this point do the kids just fall out of her vagina? And who needs 16 kids?? I have a hard enough time giving each of my parent's dogs attention when I visit them. SIXTEEN CHILDREN??!! Are they fucking nuts?? No actually, surprise! They are religious. Very religious. To quote these bible beaters:
"We both just love children and we consider each a blessing from the Lord. I have asked Michelle if she wants more and she said yes, if the Lord wants to give us some she will accept them," he said in a telephone interview."
Oh suck it. Seriously. What the Lord probably wants you to do is to stop having them you jerk-offs!! Oh and to give more money to the church of course.
And lady, oh lady you don't need another child! No. You need to cut that damn over-grown mullet you sport. AMEN!

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

On the Wings of Love, Only the Two of Us Together Flying High

I have been lusting after these damn rainboots for nearly four years. I have been too lazy to ever really get them and figured that my black Ralph Lauren wellies were fine enough. Today, they will be mine. After this morning's debacle, I am putting down the damn $130 dollars for my very own sparkling pair!

Wet. Soaking Wet.

Shove it Barbie!
This is exactly what I look like today. Except my hair is blonde, and resembles more of a crack-addicts on 41st thanks to my cheap-ass umbrella that decided to be clever and let the rain fall ON TOP OF MY HEAD. Why did I flat-iron my hair today? Oh right, because I have plans to go out tonight and didn't want to scare people while having a happy hour cocktail! Too late perhaps, for I am DRENCHED. From head to freaking toe. DRENCHED. Hey Uggs - what a way to treat a lady who's been good to you for over three years. I knew you had had your last day in the sun (or rather shitty weather) when you let some snow seep in on the side of you last February. Go get bent. I am throwing you out. AND YOU Club Monaco black adorable pleated skirt - not so adorable anymore when you are stiff from acid-rain! Worse of all - I am at work. The only thing that could have made this morning any worse would have been for me to have been splashed by the cross town bus just like in a movie! HA HA laugh all you want Hollywood - the day is still young. M34 Bus, don't even think about it!!!

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

So Much to Do, So Very Little Time

Someone please push that damn little troll off that thing!
I cannot believe today is only Tuesday. I am in the middle of a crazed time at work and feel as though it must be Thursday or something. What happens when my life gets this crazy is I forget to do little mundane tasks like, oh I don't know putting the sheets that have been washed for three days and are sitting in my roommate's laundry basket on my bed; taking three brand-spanking new pairs of jeans to the tailor (two that I bought back in AUGUST!); make a bank deposit; pick up dry-cleaning from last week. This is what happens when your brain is fried from too many meetings - you go home, stop at Whole Foods, pick up something delicious and healthy, go home, drink some wine, call your friends. But the nights when you have plans, all of that little after work stuff goes out the window and is replaced by a lot of drinking, dinner at some restaurant (which raises your cholesterol even more), and a hang-over the next morning. I try to limit those nights to three a work week. Yes I know. I'm an alcoholic who has a Tara Reid complex. Leave it be people! And could somebody seriously go get my dry cleaning? My favorite black sweater is there and I want to wear it out tomorrow night...for you guessed it, more drinks with friends.

Y'alls is Crazy Man - Finally Another Laguna Recap

Thanks Cheryl for these magical Laguna prom photos......

Well the prom photos everyone saw about two months ago, have finally sprung to life in tonight's episode. Below is my very spastic recap that I typed AS I WATCHED IT. See guys, I really am talented.

Opens at Talan's house. He, some other kid, and that red-headed oompa loompa are talking about who they want to score with at prom. What a bunch of fags.
Now LC is reading Teen Vogue or Teen Cosmo or some other mindless read and lo and behold, Steeee-phen calls. Guess what guys - he's back in town because as everyone knows, if you have a camera crew, Steee-phen will show.
Okay now Taylor and her crew are in a nail salon and everyone's being asked to prom in lame-like fashions. Seriously what is the DEAL with this town and their courting ways? Anyone ever heard of the phone people??!!
Two gorillas ask Alex H and Jessica with banana signs BECAUSE THEY'RE A WACKY BUNCH!!
Oh no, it's happening faster than I can type. Some girl just asked Alex M if she'd mind if she goes to the prom with Jason the Jerk-off. The answer mi lady would be a yes followed by Alex's menacing eyes and a swift kick to the vag. Actually Alex said she wouldn't mind. Either way, if I were you I'd sleep with one eye open clown. Hey I know that girl from somewhere...Cami? Oh YEAH she was in the second or third episode when Jason and his boyfriend Ceddy scare the girls with ski masks and fake blood. Oh Cami's got herself a pair of bombs - not as big as Jessica's but enough for Jason to slap around for one night. A boing boing boing! (this is the sound I think huge boobs would make if they were to be bounced around...notice how I say 'would make' since I myself do not sport a huge rack. A thank you)
Now someone is asking Kristin in her garage. How romantic. Maybe this way if she refuses he can re-enact the scene from the 1985 made for TV movie, "Surviving" starring Molly Ringwald and Zach Galligan of "Gremlins" fame. Oh god please don't be Talan. I can't handle this shit anymore. I'm almost 27 years-old why do I care about who's going to their senior prom??! Because I'm lame and I do is the short answer. AWW SHIT - it's Talan the Turd. Scene fades out with Kristin giving him bedroom eyes and smiling from ear to ear.
commercial Break - I don't feel like seeing Elizabethtown. I hate Kirsten's little "Hey stranger" line. Though she was cute in "Eternal Sunshine" and we once shared the same manager as kids (gee I wonder who had more success as a child actor?? Yeah you're absolutely right, it was me), I don't find her rootable. It goes back to my J Ho/Brittany Murphy theory of when I see them in films I hope for a sudden death or at the very least, a broken-heart.
Oh it's back on - quiet! CEDRIC IS GETTING HIS HAIR HIGHLIGHTED. My gaydar is going off the hook right now!!! He and Alex are getting their hair done together and crying over Jason going to the prom with Cami!! WHAT??!!
Did two guys just kiss each other on the cheek? Is this Harvey Milk's prom? Who is JP and why haven't I ever seen his face before?? He's very cute in a dicky way. And was 8 when I went to my prom. Sigh. This episode is one of those when you see kids you'd otherwise never see. This is the highlight of their year as they email friends and family and announce, "watch the prom episode I'm like totally in it!" then cry when they're reduced to a few side profiles and a subtitle as "blank's friend".
Jessica just tried to stab Jason. That was pretty cool and wonder of wonders Casey the ho is a ho! In front of Kristin's dad no less! Kristin is now pissing off Talan. And some old broad is trying to take pictures.
Okay they are dancing and I just missed a few seconds because my phone was ringing. OH NO THEY DI-NT. Jason and Alex are totally making out! Cami looks sad. Cedric looks like he's about to roll himself under the wheels of their humvie.
Commercial Break - time to check my voicemail!
Everyone's recapping - wait a sec are they at the Peach Pit??? Talan is pissed to beat the band, and Ceddy is still heart-broken. Stop talking so fast people!!! My monkey knuckles can't keep up!! Yes yes we know, Casey is a ho-bag. Are they done yet ragging on everyone? That's not your job kids, it's the adult's who stays in on Monday nights to watch your tragic teenage lives unfold. Quit stealing Sara's material!

Scamps and Hoes....How I Spent My Weekend

You sir are a rogue....

Saturday it was rainy as all hell. I was delighted to find that the L train was nearly empty. Given the fact that terrorists may have struck at any given moment, I was sure to surround myself with the heaviest riders I could find, this way had anything gotten a little out of hand ( or been blown up around me) I'd have their body fat to protect me. Oh I'm not being mean!! Just practical really. I'm an itty bitty little scamp. Oh but I do pack a mean punch in the nuts if you're wondering. Oh you weren't? Hmm, interesting.

So I headed into Williamsburg for some much needed retail therapy. After seeing Angela's new cool boots, I too had to run (not walk mind the fucking rain) to Beacons Closet. It was like Xanadu for bargain hunters. Who really like clothes. I immediately made a bee-line for the handbags and picked up two flashy little numbers. You'd think that a lady who works around handbags would have enough, but I don't really think 100 is enough (and those are the ones in my closet). Then I made my way over to the shoes, selected the finest pair of camel slouchy boots (for $20 - ahem ahem) and proceeded to the clothing racks for some more splendid finds. After three hours I was finally ready to tally up my purchases. I got the following for $150: (in no special order) Brand new Aviator sunglasses, earrings, ring, brand new pair of Seven jeans, long sleeved thermal with pastel hearts (just like the ones Juicy tries to make you spend $85 on), narly slouchy boots, adorable strapless dress (part of my Halloween costume), red clutch purse, brown leather portfolio clutch, gold Jackie O' styled sleeveless top, and a gold and bronze braided belt. Then I marched home in the rain with my magical bag o'treats and dried off.


Later that night I headed to Kelly's lovely downtown apartment for a girl's night that involved a lot of amstels (because we're japs maybe?) and the Dark Room. Yes you read correctly, The Dark Room. Scene of many a roofie-filled night. I refused to let any of my ladies accept a rape-cocktail. Let us not forget, the last time I was there I did shove a drink back in some chodes face and yelled, "Beat it Van Der Sloot we're not from Alabama and we don't want to go to the beach with you and those two brothers!" (too soon??) After learning that it was sadly not hip-hop night, but weird Eurotrash dance night, we went to Pianos for some real dancing. We found ourselves the perfect Paris Hilton like spot (a-top a couch? I think not, on our own little stage sire!) and we danced. I think it took me three seconds to work thru my own hysteria when they played, 'Poison' as in "never trust a big butt and a smile" Bel Biv Devo 'Poison'. Then we sent Kelly home in a cab and Angela and I sat in El Sombrero and inhaled a plate of arroz con pollo and two frozen marguaritas. Because at 4 in the morning what else were we supposed to do - sip water and go to bed??


Sunday I woke up hung over and layed around for most of the day. Then Brandy came over and we worked on some bits for our show. The show was a lot of fun, and to my surprise my friends Oliver, Brian and his lovely wife came (not to mention the #1 fan Miss Altuna and the adorable James). I drank two more than my original "this is my only Red Stripe guys" and walked home on a performers high. I called Dan and we chatted for a bit - okay I loudly kept exclaiming things like "Mini!!" and "this is awesome!!". He was kind enough to put up with it for ten minutes longer than he should have. Then I hit myself over the head with a frying pan and went to sleep. All in all, a lovely rain-soaked, terror-escaped bargain poison weekend.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Sunday Night Comedy!!!!

The Million Dollar Bash
Sunday, October 9th at 7pm
Rififi/Cinema Classics
332 East 11th Street (btwn 1st and 2nd aves)
Hosted by Liam McEneaney & Claudia Cogan

Brandy and I have been asked to be guests at this weekly comedy show, hosted by Liam McEneaney and Claudia Cogan. We will be trying out new material, and are available afterwards at the bar for conversation and cocktails!

Turn Your Angel Eyes My Way..........

The other night while in the midst of a heated discussion with someone, I blurted out that they resembled Jeff Healey (as in Jeff Healey lead singer, The Jeff Healey Band) We both joked about it for a few, and I basically forgot all about my "Angel Eyes" video comment. That is until last night, when at the bar at Rififi I turned to Brandy, did my best Jeff Healey blind guitar playing impression, and sang to her the lyrics of that very creepy song.

Seriously though Brandy, what did I do? What did I say? To turn your angel eyes my way...

If Only You Believed in Miracles Baby, We'd Get By....

If you see this sort of carriage on the subway, kick it and run...
Last night I ended up not seeing "Fiddler" with Bran. Something happened with her tickets so instead we went to, "Welcome to Our Week", followed by a serious amount of Red Stripes with Ang and her friend with privileges, James and his friends at Pianos. I'm not sure how many I had, but when I put my head on my pillow, my head was spinning. Suprisingly I woke up sans headache and began my day.
To ride the subway or not? That was the question on my mind at 7:45am while I continued to hit the snooze button on my alarm. I chose to avoid it and take a cab. I did this because I like my life and don't feel like having one of 19 terrorist assholes blow me up. Aside from that, I will ride it as soon as this afternoon. So help me god, if I so much as see anything sketchy going on down there I am prepared to kick in the groin, punch in the face, and book it.
I have ALWAYS watched my back while riding the subway. Especially during rushhour. It's not just the man-made briefcase bombs you have to watch out for, but the crazies in general. I once got off of a train because there was a suspicious looking man who resembled a mad-scientist (complete with lab coat and white frizzy hair). Turns out it was probably Spaulding Grey on his way to his fifth attempt at committing suicide.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Quick Mommy the Hippo's Getting Too Close to the Car!!!

And she's hungry........

Yikes! She looks like she just ate Harvey!

Is This the Little Girl at Play?

The gods must be smiling on me. Last night I received a voicemail from Brandy asking if I would like to be her date and go see "Fiddler on the Roof" (starring Harvey Fierstein and Rosie O) tonight. I immediately called her back and shouted an affirmative - YES!!! It's going to be so strange watching those two kiss. Almost as strange as the time I made out with Jared, a kid I dated when I was 15 who I can assure you is and was at the time, gay.


Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Pasta, Laughter, and Friendship

So last night Ang came over and we cooked a delicious feast of pasta, diced tomatoes, garlic, and the teeny tiniest bit of Parmesan cheese (lay off of me Dr. Morledge - I needed it!) We ate the entire box of fussili, drank an entire bottle of wine, and then ordered some apple crumb thing from Cafe Wha?. We laughed ourselves silly watching "Extras" on HBO on Demand. In case you haven't seen the most recent episode with Ben Stiller, I won't give away the part that made us wet our pants and turn into audience members at an "Oprah" taping. But if you need a clue then look no further than this fancy pair o' shoes I have posted seductively next to my writings. Tee hee...gee......tee....hee....

No Seriously, You Suck

Please take the mint.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Wear it With Pride

Note to Self: I should have bought this when I had the chance in Tokyo.

Alas like many other things, this was not meant to be.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Well I Instantly Feel better About Myself!!!

Sire please. After going onto VH1's website to find out more information on Danny "The Douche" Bonaduce's poor wife (I'm fascinated as to why she stays married to an overgrown My Buddy doll), I come across this interesting newsflash: Fantasia from Season 3 American idol CANNOT READ OR WRITE!! Yet she makes more money than I do. Thanks America for voting for a voice that can't EVEN READ HER FUCKING SONG LYRICS!!!

Here's the excerpt that really made me want to record an album in my bathroom while Annie plays sound know since it takes three brain cells to be a fucking recording artist these days. Song of choice for those who care about me, "Someday" by Mariah Carey. Oh shut up, she was cool in 1991!

In the book, which Fantasia dictated to a freelance writer, the singer reveals that her mother is also functionally illiterate and that Fantasia was so ashamed of her own struggle it kept her from ever applying for a job. On "Idol," she learned lyrics by listening to the songs, not reading the sheet music, and since winning, she's signed contracts she couldn't read.While working with the music directors, "Somebody would say, 'You know, it's pronounced this way,' and I'd be like, 'Oh, I'm sorry, you know, I'm country, you know,' " Fantasia tells "20/20" in an interview airing Friday night.Fantasia is now working with a tutor and is sharing her story to inspire others who struggle with reading and writing.

And Ruben Studdard can't count! Which is why he remains 500 pounds. It seems little fatty doesn't know how to measure with his weight watchers spoon and ladle set.

Mon Poupee

My grandmere used to call me, 'mon poupee'. It means my little doll. But when I was young my sisters would tell me it meant my little piece of shit. Because they are charming and sweet. Gram, I'm 26 and I'm far from being as perfect as Samantha, shown here circa Paris 1928. But I will tell you that today your greatest of great-granddaughters walked 7 miles alongside the east river, ate a healthy delicious plate of low cholesterol filled pasta, and drank two entire bottles of some fancy wine her friend, confidante and roommate bought. Then she and her aforementioned roommate, Miss Annie Chessin, watched the entire 3rd season of "Sex and the City". Oh and mon poupee loves you. And right now, she may or may
not be a wee bit drunk.