Thursday, October 26, 2006

Up a Steep and Very Narrow Stairway...

Tonight friends, you can catch me and Bran in legwarmers alongside some of NYC's funniest ladies. Oh right, and that hot stuff Michael Cyril Creighton.

MCC (Finally) Has His Way With Women
Galapagos Art Space

Ya dig?

They Say It's Your Sister's Birthday

So why do you have to get so drunk off of Kettle One and Grapefruit juice? Seriously.

Last night we celebrated my big sister's 34th. I was pleased to provide her with a crown that lit up, and to drink so much that when I talked to my gent later on the phone he said "You really sound drunk. Are you ok? Are you going to be safe and take a cab home?". Oh boys say the sweetest things when you're wasted. This is why I love him so.

Now right about here you should see three pictures I selected to post from last night. But blogger is once again being a fickle bitch and not uploading them. Maybe later kids.

Trying to make a living and doing the best I can

I was going to name this post "Why the Fuck don't you write anymore Allocco??!!".

But instead I decided to quote the Allman Brothers.

Now that I'm back from my travels, I'm much like Bette Midler's character in the 70's in the film "Beaches" with a splash of Harrison Ford in "Regarding Henry". When you leave a boring ass desk job for a life less ordinary, you have to accept the fact that having your best friend sublet your apartment while you sleep on people's couches, is the norm. It's actually quite pleasant not having to attend meetings with people who give you bitchy looks when you announce "Yeah, I don't really care". Gee, wonder why the sad face ladies? Now, I'm not saying all office people are bad. Some of my closest and loveliest of friends are office workers. But I'm talking more about the kind who put on 15 pounds in their first job out of college, leave it on despite their new wider appearance, and then talk shit because you don't devote your life to handbags. Oh ladies, seriously let's do lunch! Come on! Whadda you say?

If anyone cares to dispute my reign as the "hardest worker" in my old office, then please look no further than this email from one of my dear pals who also got caught up in the corporate thing for a while with me (he has now since thank god decided to "live the dream").

Date: Wed, 25 Oct 2006 09:34:17 -0400
From: "Fataah"
To: "Sara "
Subject: Re: you sweet little plum

What are you doing up already?
Not like you...


*SARA: Good morning everyone. Isn't it a great day, God has truly blessed us with his best and brightest. Coffee and donuts for everyone...

*JANITOR: Um mam, it's 8pm and everyone has gone home for the evening.

*SARA: Oh...well then I guess I'm early-GOODNIGHT.

And scene.

Friday, October 13, 2006

THE KISSING BOOTH: We'll Have a Gay Old Time!


The Kissing Booth presents: We'll Have A Gay Old Time!

October 14th, 2006
9:30 pm
Doors open at 9 pm

The D-Lounge
101 East 15th Street at Union Square East- BASEMENT LEVEL of the DR2 Theater

$3 Miller Lights! $4 Well Shots! Full Bar For You Fancy Types!

Dance Party Begins Right When The Show Ends!

In this month's show, Brandy & Sara have big dreams that won't stop until they make it all the way to Broadway. And this month, thier line up is the creme de la creme of the Gay White Way:


Shawn Hollenbach (MINTYFRESH)

Allen Warnock & Andrea Alton (FREEDUMB)




Katina & Matt (MINTYFRESH)


Kevin Allison (MTV'S THE STATE)

PLUS some other nonsense from your hosts, Brandy & Sara, what promises to be the most crazed dance party to date, super paparazzi pals Anya Garrett & Brian Van, lots of yummy candy, not one but potentially TWO pomeranian puppies, and Hi-Jinx Galore!

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

I F*cking Love you CHEESE!

Okay it's no surprise to those of you who really know me, that I love me some cheese. I like cheese on soup, on bread, on pasta, on steak, on salad. It should also come to no surprise why my cholesterol breaks the four hundred mark.

But people, I have discovered something even more incredible than brie, Gouda, goat, parm, and mozzarella. I've discovered Horseradish Cheddar. Are you cheese makers of America kidding me?? I just inhaled three slices and one slice of ham out of my parents fridge. When I went back for more, I realized it all expired on Monday. But you know what - when it comes to cheese I'll eat that shit right out of a mouse's mouth. Don't tempt me - I'll do it.

Wow, so this is how it must have felt for Columbus to discover America.

Yes, exactly like this.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Goodbye Girl

Packing to head back to NY after an incredible month away. As I look at my luggage that's overflowing with clothes, shoes, and handbags I have only one thought - can I leave it here and send for it all later? Doubtful. As someone who has lived in and or around NYC since 1997 and grew up not too far away, it's hard to imagine living your life in other state, another city, another country. If I could stay another three months I would, because at the end of the day what's a few months when someday you'll look back and be glad you took the time to figure shit out. And I can happily say I've figured out more than I originally expected.

However, I still haven't figured out how to say "thank you very much" correctly in Japanese. Oh well. Take what you can get.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Just Because I felt Like It


take me away from the norm

I got to tell you something

this phenomenon

I had to put it in a song

and it goes like

Whoa, amber is the color of your energy

whoa, shades of gold displayed naturally

you ought to know what brings me here

you glide through my head blind to fear

and I know why

whoa, amber is the color of your energy

whoa, shades of gold displayed naturally

Whoa, amber is the color of your energy

whoa, shades of gold displayed naturally

You live too far away

your voice rings like a bell anyway

don't give up your independence

unless it feels so right

nothing good comes easily

sometimes you gotta fight

Whoa, amber is the color of your energy

whoa, shades of gold displayed naturally

launched a thousand ships in my heart, so easy

still it's fine from afar, and you know that

whoa, brainstorm take me away from the norm

whoa, I got to tell you something

She Meant You No Harm

Deciding to get my life together took longer than I expected. And yes I'm specifically speaking of organizing my flickr page and being better to this here blog.

So I gave it a fresh new look because it was either that, or quite honestly - deleting the damn thing.

But I couldn't delete it. How ever will my dad be able to function had it not be for his sometimes sober (usually drunk) daughter's daily sometimes sane (usually insane) rantings???

So daddy, this one's for you.


Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Dear Mister Producer Man

Please cast me on "Lost". It's not that I want to work with Matthew Fox so much, or that I've even seen the show (guilty as charged). It's that I think I'd like to shoot a series that requires me to be tan and live in Hawaii. No really, you'll pay me to do that right? I'm far prettier than that fat guy and I don't drink and drive like Michele Rodriguez....well nothing on record that is (hiccup).

Honestly, cast me. I know it's as easy as me stating that I'd like to be on your show. My mom will vouch for me - I'm a great tap dancer and can do the buffalo like it's never been done.

So make it happen Magic Man.



"It's a Waste of a Range!!"*

Last Friday night there was some karaoke. We decided it would be fun to select one another's songs. I gave chart toppers, sweet melodies, and torch songs. But when it was my turn to sing, I was given "100% Pure Love" by Crystal Waters. Now, I like a good early 90's dance/pop beat just as much as the next person. But when I'm willing to sing (alright, scream) broadway belt songs and Mariah Carey - why the waste of a range on "You Sing the Hits from Club MTV 91'"???.

Of course there were hysterics. Then I was fed a beer and realized not a short while after - just what an asshole I am sometimes.

*Actual line uttered by yours truly after one too many 90's dance hits found their way onto the screen when it was my turn to sing. Shameful really.

Self Esteem 101 With SJ

If you ever discover that you've gained a little weight, clothes are a little snug, and your thyroid medicine is no longer doing the trick - don't go clothes shopping in Tokyo. WARNING.

Today I found a pair of size 23 jeans. Size 23 people. They are the size of my fucking right arm. Who is the skinny little bitch who fits in these fucking jeans?? Is she eating? Does she have a fast metabolism?? And how come I'm a size bigger when I'm here?? ALWAYS. And how come the sales girls ARE the ones who fit in a size 23 jean, so that when you take your size (that's of course bigger) they scoff at you. YES THEY DO. I had one take the size I chose and hand me a BIGGER size. I haven't been this insulted since that time I was in Victoria's Secret and the sassy Mo'Nique saleswoman told me "Girl, your butt ain't gonna fit in those". OH and she was RIGHT.

What the girls here look like:

What Sara looks like (really any of the three at this point):

For some solace I went into the Gap. Surely an American brand company would have normal American girl-with-big-butt jeans. Well, by some chance of a miracle I stumbled upon these gems

I am saying this only once and very nicely - I CANT WEAR SKINNY JEANS. In the same fashion that I CANT WEAR BALLET FLATS.

When you're short, have a round ass, and some meat on your thighs the only way is UP. This means - big heels, short skirts, or jeans that give length. Think - J LO, Aquilera during her fat phase and dare I say Britney.

Fatty has left the building.