Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Even Though I was Somewhat Successful, Being a Playa Was Becoming Too Stressful

Nice grip you've got on that

Get Crunked

Bran and I will be doing something saucy with the cool cats of "Drink at Work", on Monday night at Siberia. Oh you know Siberia. That bar you and a pack of your girlfriends went to drunk one night hoping to catch a glimpse of Jimmy Fallon but settling for a fat man sans pants. YES! That Siberia.

And it's free comedy fun Matthew Lesto. Even the government can't promise you that.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Cuz Your Lovin Ain't The Same And You Keep On Playin' Games Like You Know I'm Here To Stay

It never gets old, does it L train???!!
Don't make me start quoting Mariah Carey EVER AGAIN L train! Are you kidding me? This morning I got on you shortly after 9am, even managed to get a seat after giving the old dude whose legs were spread about fifteen inches apart a dirty look. I then began to read my AM New York, when you did this funny thing and stopped at 3rd Ave long enough for me to make it to the sports section (Note - I'm a fast reader). Then someone made what appeared to be a statement about some signal issue, but I was too caught up in the personal ads and job notices to work at Staples to notice (no, not for me.....swear). Then right about the time we should be pulling into Union Square, you stopped again. This time long enough for me to glance around at a half empty train. Guess everyone had the good sense to jump out at 3rd. But not I sire. No I like to ride you until 8th Ave. This is what I get for living on one side of the isle of Manhattan and working on the other. Regardless, I was not about to walk over to the A,C,E in this heat. So I stayed put - in the air conditioning mind you - and decided to put on a coat of clear nail polish. I saw some Hispanic woman doing this a few minutes earlier and it reminded me that I had clear polish in my bag. So polish I did, until some dude tried to make small chat with me and commented on how nice my nails were. Beat it senor creepo - SJ's not interested. I smiled, turned my back, and thought what I would do if he then reached around the metal bars and tried to strangle me. Um, nothing except a swift right one to the groin.

By the time we FINALLY reach 8th ave, I'm late for work - but not sweaty. So though I curse you for your tardiness, I applaud you for your efficiency in keeping me cool on my 45 jaunt across 14th street.

And even though I might quote lyrics to "Shake It Off", I can do nothing of the such.

See you 'round 5 sucka.


This is a note to self to remind my sister to get those goddamn Def Leppard tickets. Go ahead Melissa, get four. We will find someone to take the extra one. No I haven't asked anyone yet but trust me SOMEONE will take it. And no it won't be some creep on Craigs List. JUST. GET. THEM. ALREADY. I can hardly stand the suspense of whether or not Joe Elliot and I will (FINALLY!!) be in the same arena.

And I'm being very kind referring to Jones Beach as an "arena".

Don't Bother Shakira

Me on phone, OD on my back. I'm actually saying, "O'Donnell cut it OFF!".

Sight for sore eyes: SJ creates her own calendar because she suffers from OCD.

The kids are a'right. I left my sunglasses at my apartment. Oh and it was 88 degrees out.

Don't tell me that you have to head to the beach on Memorial Day. Not even when it's over 85 degrees and sunny. No tell me isntead to have a writing meeting for my upcoming show with Barbs, OD, and Sears where I make everyone pizza (no Sears that's not delivery - it's Whole Foods frozen). Let me lay on a blanket in the middle of the grass, and watch Bran take photos of John's creepy moustache.

Yeah suck it Robert Moses.

Pictures Came and Broke Your Heart, Put the Blame on VTR

Behold the power of my new camcorder (shown here with Tom Cruise's son Connor - no seriously beat it kid!)

My old one..not this old but sort of close

I recently became the proud owner of a deliciously new lil' Panasonic camcorder. I LOVE this thing. I even bought it a case, which I then put in another case....because I'm CRAY-ZAY. What's crazier? That I haven't worked out in over a week and woke up early with the intent but now sort of want to lay around and drink coffee and talk about my new love. Oh well, I had other things to um....occupy my time. I'm thinking of starting my own line of fitness videos which will basically involve me sitting on my couch watching Denis Austin on Lifetime at 7:30 in the morning, while I type blog entries. Now come on - who wouldn't want this??!! (no need to show hands, I can just tell whose heart isn't in this project.)

Saturday, May 27, 2006

I've Had You So Many Times But Somehow I Want More

Thank you room 2721. A thank you.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Baby I'ma Do Right

I just found a mix cd at my desk that I made right about this time, five years ago. Behold the power of gayness:

Best I ever had - Vertical Horizon
I like this song but remember LOVING this song. I think I wanted to play it at my wedding while ex-boyfriends cried in the backgorund (or cheered depending of course)

Elderly woman behind the counter - Pearl Jam
I don't think I've heard this song since 2001 oddly enough

Ex girlfriend - No Doubt
Oh Gwen, have your damn kid already and stop wearing saris and platforms.

Crazy - KC and Jo Jo
WHAT?! Did I think I was Julia Stiles in 'Save the Last Dance"?? Probably.

May Parade - Guster
Guster - hmm I think this is the only song I had ever heard. Stole it off of a friend's cd. It's a lukewarm temperature sort of song. And I don't really know that that means.

Bad Reputation - Freedy Johnson

Get Gone - Fionna Apple
This is Fionna at her angriest. Who was I angry at that summer….NYSYNC?

The Way You Love Me - Faith Hill
This is the one where she's being cooky and playing different roles. Pure pop cheese. With a sprinkle of Tim McGraw's semen. What? I have no clue.

Pour Some Sugar On Me - Def Leppard

Summer of 69 - Bryan Adams
OH YEAH. GIVE IT TO ME JERSEY SHORE. (you know right after Def Leppard does)

Forever Young - Alphaville
I was graduating form college in 2001 so I probably wanted to be sentimental. Not about St John's, but about Ron Artest who was once in my math class.

No More - 3LW
Where are these three little women now? I saw one of them in some lame MTV movie last Saturday morning while doing laundry.

Photograph - Def Leppard
One of my favorite songs ever. Five years later it would still be on a mix. So suck it everyone.

Head Over Heels - The Go Go's
Not too awful.

Mona Lisa - Guster
Seriously, they had another song and I put it on a mix?? Strange.

Lately - Jodeci
Um yeah…well let me say this: In 8th grade this song came out and I dry humped my boyfriend to it. Maybe I was trying to get that feeling back or something. Maybe I'm just gay.

Seriously guys, anyone want me to make them a mix? Let this not be an indication of my musical prowness. There's only like one or two songs I'd still put on a mix today.

Okay. Or four or five of them.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

We'll Make Heaven Our Place on Earth

Humping the chair over a fondue pot

Storytime USA

I break for ex-boyfriends and weddings

Get on it, ride the pony

Knee to the groin action.

*Matt Sears = Best Sport Ever. Thanks for helping your ol' pal SJ out.

**Special thanks to Tuna, JOD, James, Brandy, Sears for coming to see me.

***Special special thanks to Carolyn who is a doll baby that I love.

****All the ladies were so funny. So funny you ladies were.

Your Kiss is on Our List

Exciting news from the world of Brandy & Sara:


Pucker up for the debut of this new monthly variety show hosted by comedy duo Brandy & Sara. Expect stand ups, sketch, songs, and video from some of NYC's premiere performers, with a spectacular karaoke finale. The first show boasts performances by Adria Amram, Michelle Collins and Seth Herzog, with more guests TBA. One drink free with admission, dance party immediately after the show. Will there be a kissing booth? You'll have to come and see.

Friday, June 9th 8pm

The Tank, 279 Church street between Franklin & White.

Cost: $5 (gets you 1 free drink)
Attached photo credit: Anya Garrett (

That's right. We've gone and done it - a MONTHLY SHOW. Mark this shit down people. Fast.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Uh Oh It's Magic....When I'm With You

Blogger is being a real butt crumb* right now and not letting me upload any of the hundred or so photos that I stole from brandy's flickr page. Sorry to be MIA as of late but momma had to work hard for her money, so hard for it honey. And by work I mean spend three days filming an indie pilot with some fabulously talented people who I love very, very much (crew included!). I also managed to shove my fat face full of subway footlongs (yeah yeah I know), pringles, snickers, and pretzles. At some point I drank too much on Saturday and as Ludacris says "acted tha fool". But it's always done in the nicest way possible.

On Sunday I saw the Yankees/Mets game and was thrilled to go with someone who shares my love of bud light and nathans. Oh right and making out. What? yeah grandma said it kids. Deal with it.

I'll post pics as soon as I can. But in the meantime check out my comedy/life partners blog.

I love you, I honestly love you...Olivia Newton john.

* new favorite phrase an adorable member of the opposite of sex made up. Oh you wish you knew sires and madams.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

The Cuckoo Bird Has Landed on Fox

And she wants to mutter something unintelligible, stand for the entire show in some hideous frock from Scoop, and cry hysterically whenever Elliot goes to open his mouth whether it's to sing, yawn or make a fart sound everytime Katherine bends over.

I'll give you one hint....she's forever your girl.

Give up?

Okay one more hint.......she'd better "rush, rush" to the nearest rehab clinic and admit herself for overdossing on diet pills, botox, and "The Mighty Ducks 3".

IT'S PAULA ABDUL YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And They Will Never Tear Us Apart

I will search high and low
Wherever you are I'll go
Go thirty blocks in the other direction
In order to taste your sweet salty perfection
Now I know this is sort of gay
But corn nuts show me the way

PS. I am heading to the Whole Foods on 24th because I heard they have you there.

A life Less Ordinary

When it comes to marriage, after much thought and consideration I've decided I think I pretty much know what I do want….and what I don't.

Don't Want:

  • A boring husband with no personality whose idea of a good time is watching Sport Center and ordering Dominos
  • A four bedroom house, Volvo in the driveway, country club styled life
  • A golden retriever or black lab
  • To want to wander and fool around with the kids soccer coach, my tennis instructor, the pool cleaner who is 18.
  • Trips to the same location once a year
  • A bad sex life
  • Annoying in-laws
Do Want:
  • Someone who is my equal, better half, the ying to my fucking yang (also helps if he's cute, charming, funny, and prefers to watch "Mr. Show" or MTV/VH1 reality shows with me in bed)
  • A loft in Tribeca, Volvo SUV on the street (hey they are the safest cars on the road people, and you should seriously see how I drive), French bulldog, wheaten terrier, Pomeranian, cute, artistic creative children
  • To still be attracted to my husband when I'm 75 and yes still want to attempt to get it on with him
  • Vacations to the Galapagos, brazil, Iceland, Dollywood
  • In-laws who accept that their daughter in-law is a little crazy, self-centered, but like her anyway. No one's putting baby in a twin set, khakis, and driving loafers.

I'm about as close to getting married as a retarded chimp named Sammy, but I think it's good to know what one wants. Even if it always changes.

Update, just heard that Sammy is in fact in a relationship. So scratch that.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Silverado, Why Don't You Come To Your Senses?

Ang just called me to tell me that she saw a woman wearing silver Converse like I own, and laughed in the woman's face because it reminded her of the story I told about how I was recently dressed like a Street Performing Silver Robot. (insert robotic sounds here)

Last Thursday, I left work early for a doctor's appointent. I had some time to kill before a rehearsal, so I went home and changed into my grey gap sweatpants, my silver Cons, and a grey sweatshirt. It took me maybe a good ten minutes before realizing that I resembled a robot. In order to complete this look, I decided to make mechanical robotic sounds throughout the three-hour rehearsal, trying to make Barber laugh, and thus annoying the shit out of everyone else in the room.

Somebunny's a professional.......Asshole.

I Want One of These

Anyone looking to get on SJ's good side, best be making arrangements with a reputable breeder and securing me one adorable little Pomeranian. Yeah yeah I know everyone winces at the thought of a tiny dog, because in this society only coke-whored sluts like P Hilton and M Barton carry these things around. But my baby's gonna have style. And model. Did I mention she will be the Jon Benet of show dogs??

Question: How Many Bowls Of Special K Can One Fatty Eat?

Answer: four. Me hungry.

It's raining, my jeans feel like they are painted on, and I managed to work out this morning. You find the magical equation in that one.

Monday, May 15, 2006

I Can Go With This, Or I Can Go With That

I am considering chopping this ol' do for the summer. Similar to what I had last year but maybe just touching the shoulders and the bangs will be a tad bit longer. Those of you who knew me back in 1999 - I will NEVER go back to the Meg Ryan "You've Got Mail" hairstyle. A little less Meg a little more Hillary Rodham, was what that was. Yick.

Here are two styles I am considering.

Now all I need to do is move to LA, shop at Kitson, and develop a cocaine habit. Then surely I will have perfected the style.

I'm taking a vote. What do y'all think?

But After All Is Said and Done, You're Gonna Be The Lonely One

Friday, May 12, 2006

Found Out About You

This song (by The Gin Blossoms) is playing on my radio right now and it reminded me of the time in 9th grade I called up a boy I liked (a senior no less) and played the song really loudly into the phone then screamed, "THIS IS THE SONG I ASSOCIATE WITH YOU!!". Then hung up and quickly tried to *67 so he wouldn't know it was me.


Reason number 5 why he wouldn't take me to the prom.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Yeah I Saw Sparks Coldplay

Went to the grocery store before because I realized I have a year-old box of cherios (lowers the cholesterol!), a can of veggie chili, and the two ends of a loaf of wheat bread. Any who I'm there on line and for some reason I'm in a fine enough mood and chatting up the friendly old man behind me. Now as most of you know, I HATE old people! Okay I keed. But chatting the elderly is something I do when I make a pact with god. you know when times are tough and I'm low on cash and I say "God please let me find $20 in the back of this cab so that I can pay for it when I reach my apartment". Then I usually say "Okay God I'll even be nicer to old people....and children....and Mexican delivery men".

So any who I'm chatting up Oldie McOlds and all of sudden he starts HITTING on me. He tells me that I remind him of Claire Danes in "Shop Girl" and how he can't believe II'm not an NYU freshman (nah, not with those SAT scores*). Then I say "Well my mom looks young too." And he goes, "Wow. I'd like to get some of that".


I did the only thing any girl in my situation could do.....I froze, smiled, grabbed my receipt and walk four blocks out of my way so that he wouldn't know where I lived.

Grandpa wins by a mile!

* I got a 1020 the first time I took the SAT's because I fell asleep in the middle of them. Sorry but I thought I'd graduate right into a starring role on Broadway. Second time, with a tutor - a paltry 1100.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Oops Y'all They Did It Again

Alright, alright. Everybody calm the fuck down. Big deal. We already knew that Kevin has super sperm. In fact I'm almost certain that if these two were getting it on in the bedroom next to me, some of his magical sperm would somehow be able to impregnate me. THROUGH THE GOD DAMN WALL! Because let's face it, I wouldn't let Kevin Fedelrine buy me a drink at a bar, let alone go home and boff him. No thank you sire. I shall not be purchasing what your peddling.

And it's not a crime that she's pregnant 8 months after having Sean Preston. In fact when I someday have children (alright quick shuddering people, someday I will love kids more than my social life), I too would like to have them close enough in age that they can grow up having each other, but selfishly (and here's where Allocco really does get back to earth) I would only have to gain the weight once. Then once it's off - it's off. Sounds crazy? People this blog isn't called Sara Is Loco for nuthin'.

The only crime she's committing (besides driving with baby on lap, letting it crack it's head open in some ghetto ass high chair) is letting that rat touch her. AGAIN! Almost as gross as the thought of Tom and Katie getting it on. Which don't even get me started on because I know for a fact that they never had Suri. The little mouse in my pocket told me. And so did Tom.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Anya Garrett is Amazing

Brandy and I were fortunate enough to be able to work with the lovely and amazing Anya Garrett who took tons of photos of us two gals on Saturday. Behold - the work of a great. Brandy and I were still hung over from a certain Cinco De Mayo party and may have only gotten a combined total of 4 1/2 hours of sleep.

Anya - you are incredible mi lady.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

This Is How We Do It Montell Jordan


Aubrey and Marianne

Bran and I ponder another beer

Anya wears her tie proudly in honor of the soon to be close Tai Lounge

Angie and Gregory

Shots from Cinco De Mayo party. Far too tired to do a recap. But Barber took one for the team and wrote up an excellent one here. Barber sure is grand. Greg - adorable. Angie - a love. Anya & Marianne - my sweethearts. Brendon - the bubs. Seth - host. Craig - dj. Aubry - great dancer.

Something Like a Phenomenon

Just got back from a little shopping expo with Brandy at Macys.

Hit up Mac in the so-so def fashion as we known to do and bought myself some sassy Russian Red lipstick and a lip pencil in Cherry. Also with my sister's family and friends discount, saved myself 20% on a fancy ol' pair of shoes.

You like senor?

Also the proud new owner of mascara that hopefully will not leave clumps.

And soon I shall own the following which will read SJ not Latoya. (But you get the idea)

And I'll wear them with pride every day of my life.

Side note that has nothing to do with my shopping: I downloaded the entire Radiohead album "The Bends". Think I stole this cd from a boyfriend in college but lost it in one of my many moves about the city. Forgot how lovely "Nice Dream" and "Fake Plastic Trees" really are.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Cinco De Mayo Bitches

Can't write a lot because I've got a Corona bottle with my name that is just begging to be had.

Didn't write all day and figured that my fan base (yeah all three of you and my dad) would be upset. Going to a party, so should have a bunch of pictures courtesy of Brandy's lovely Sony that I shall post at a later date sire.

x's and ho's

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Last Chance For Love

Cuz when we're bad, we're so so bad

Barbs and I shan't be doing another show for at least another week, so hop on down to:

7pm Thursday, May 4th
@the Parkside Lounge
317 E. Houston St.
F/V to 2nd Avenue
Free admission - 2 drink minimum

- Catie Lazarus - stand up comedy
- Songs about hipsters - Greg Morabito returns to VU with a guitar
- Mike Burns - stand up...and maybe a song!
- Brandy & Sara - sketch comedy featuring Brandy Barber and Sara Jo Allocco
- Lucia Aniello - musical comedy
- Brooke Van Poppelen - stand up comedy
- Right This Second - longform improv comedy featuring Emma Clerihew, Angela DeManti, Jared McGrail, Molly Robertson, and Joshua Key-Maginnis
- Federico Garduno - stand up comedy
- Dave Thunder and Friends - solo improvisation by Dave Thunder
- Uke-to-Go D'yan Forest Ukelele player


I'll Go With You Anytime, Anyday Just Say The Words and I'm On My Way

Yeah yeah, you know what I'm talkin' bout.

They Put a Spell on You

Alright admit it - they are a cute little family. They'd be a lot cuter had he not left Jen so abruptly then started his new life immediately thereafter. But whatever, it takes all kinds. That's right I am being more optimistic about them. Them being a couple I don't know, will never meet, and who don't realize my life exists. Besides all that, I commend you two kids on making infidelity look...well...look so swell.

Now go say ten Hail Mary's you cheaters you!

I kid! Now go on, get outta here you crazy kids!

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

The More I Ignore You, The Closer You Get

I hate to admit this, but I just heard "You Had a Bad Day" and I actually smiled, started tapping my feet, and actually sang some of the lyrics.

It's a whole new SJ people. Accept and move on.

Accept and move on.

No Painted Desert, No Sedona

At times I often wonder why I bother doing certain things. Waste of my time? Perhaps. And maybe I should have worked out this morning instead of sleeping for an extra hour - but the sleep felt great. Now I have to go have my cholesterol tested to make sure that I'm not thirty seconds from having a heart attack. By the way, thank you hereditary for making it so damn high in the first place.

Back to this wasting time thing......I just can't take on any more additions to my life that I don't see resulting in something at some point in my life. Without going into specifics let me say it's time for some late Spring cleaning. Not to mention time to get down on it, Kool and the Gang.

Let me also say that as soon as Barber's new job gives her the go-ahead (or she tells them to fuck off - whichever comes first), I will be the proud owner of a roundtrip ticket to San Diego in June. Yes, SJ is taking some much needed vacation. I would quote the Go-Go's here, but I was planning on saving that for the title of the actual post, where I write about getting my actual ticket.

See people, inside this crazy mind lies some semblance of order. Some.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Turn The Page

"Grandma how do you work this thing??"

Gotta make this short and sweet becuase I have a date with "The Insider" and "Entertainment Tonight". It appears Amy Fisher and Joey Buttafuco are meeting for the first time since she shot Mary Jo!

It also appears that I don't have a life!

Below: some photos Bran and I snapped at one of those Time Square/Broadway shops. You know the sorts where one can, oh I don't know shop at after auditions with her mom in 7th grade, and purchase large obnoxious buttons that say things like "ACTRESS!" and "You're Going Out There a Chorus Girl Kid, But You're Coming Back a Star!". Then pin them to her catholic school uniform because she wants everyone to know that she's going places. Someday. I mean I personally don't know who this kid is/was, but you know......whatevs......(cut to: Sara rocking herself back and forth under her work desk while singing "Castle on a Cloud" as her boss stands over in horror clutching the latest assortment sheet.)

Brandy does the 1,2 step

The hat says "MOVIE STAR NEW YORK". And I bought it.