Monday, July 31, 2006

"Honesty" Series Premier on Comedy Central's Motherload

Scene from: "Mailman" Chris Crockett, Lang Fisher, SJ (yes that's a fake baby in my arms), and the adorable Sir muMs.

"Honesty" is the latest series to hit Comedy Central's Motherload, and I had the pleasure of taping two of them. You can check them out here. Go to the bottom and click on "Web Shows, Honesty" where you can watch "Wedding" & "Mailman".

Note: If you're on a Mac, you must go to the iTunes MusicStore and subscribe to the (FREE) podcast for Comedy Central's Motherload.

The Bounce is Back

Told you I'd come back tan and lei'd.


Sunday, July 23, 2006

I'll Take Maui

Tomorrow I leave for Maui. Today I got back from spending the weekend at the fabulous Miss Rozzi's Boston abode. I learned a new naughty game thanks to Margot. And made up several songs about Giulia's biggest nemesis Oliver the cat, with Bran. Oh right and then there's drinking and bbq feasting.

Suppose I should march my rump to bed since I have to be up at 5am and all, and yet I find it more resonable to stay up, watch Vh1 and eat a burrito. This is my way of staying up like an 8 year-old on Christmas Eve. I have several reasons to be excited. The biggest? That I can eat all the jam I want while I'm there.


Friday, July 21, 2006

Searching for Suri

CNN is so on top of things. They announced that the wife from "King of Queens" saw Suri Cruise! Does anyone give a frog's dick at this point? And does it really count if one Scientologist sees another Scientologist's baby? Or creature? Or Lady in the Water?

BTW - if M. Night had just cast Haley Joel in a role in that film, he wouldn't have been driving the Saturn and would instead be doing press in NYC for the film. But I guess that kid's only good for two things: seeing dead people and telling Walker Texas Ranger he has aids.

Sara might want to start getting ready for

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Tell Her All Your Wildest Dreams (That Involve 12 year-olds)

Unbeknownst to Christy, Peter is actually checking out a 14 year-old with skanky curled hair and bad roots. Ethan Hawk would just like to buy himself a lap dance from said teen.
Hey PC,

Nice move with the 19 year-old. I can see it. It doesn't surprise me. As Barber would say, you totally look like you just sniffed a bicycle seat. In your case you probably sniffed several of them with training wheels attached. My question to you is not why you cheated on Christy. Nor would it be why you part your hair in the manner that you do (nice plugs BTW). But rather why you consistently seem to have a thing for trashy teen tramps. The only thing separating this kid and that slut Samantha Cole is about ten dollars. Oh wait and one "Top 40 hit". It must be the upper white-bread crust environment you were raised in. Mommy wore pearls, daddy porked the Hispanic maid….in his jag. You remind me of the chodes I used to work at an internet company with who would talk shit on the hot Dominican receptionist and make her do trivial things like fetch their coffee and the Wall Street Journal, then go jerk off in the men's room at the sight of her in a tight top. (WORK CHODES PLEASE NOTE - she and I BOTH used to spit in your coffee) But PC, I have one last question - why a Maximum? I wouldn't pork you with Billy Joel's dick for a Benz.

SJ esq.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Pass the Dutchie to the Right One Time

I'm not saying I just smoked weed with my roommate. I'm not saying I enjoy watching "Rockstar: Supernova" with the effervescence (and bog schlong) of Tommy Lee, the bassist from Metallica and a dude from G&R (oh and also newly divorced Dave Navarro). But what I will that you too would be laughing until you almost kick your roommate's dinner over if you just saw a Geico spot with - not a gecko - but Little Richard shouting "mashed potatoes!".

My chalk drawing of the King of R&B...or King of soul....or Tootie Fruitie Oh Rudy*

Also, this is a picture of me and Brandy during the amazingly patriotic Kissing Booth show on Saturday night. Don't hate, congratulate.

* originally I had typed "Tootie Fruitie Miss Rudy". Same difference right guys?

Thursday, July 13, 2006


Deciding if you should come on Saturday?

How dare you......

What's the deal with that? (and that pope?)

Okay, okay fine....we'll make out with you.......Promise*


July 15th, 2006

9:30 pm

The D-Lounge

101 East 15th Street at Union Square East

$3 Beers! $4 Shot Special! Full Bar For You Fancy Types!

All Nite Dance Party to follow the show! Don't miss it! Come drink for cheap in air conditioning all night long and laugh at some amazing performers.


JACK KUKODA,(Sweet) smart, savvy comedian, cuddly black bear cub

MATT MCCARTHY,(MAX!)Fierce, fun comedian and clearly genetically superior because he has red hair like Barber!

SEAN CRESPO, ( comedy commentator, snarky stand up and swell guy

JENNY RUBIN,(OH MY GOD!) sassy smoking stand up, producer of many a show, wearer of fab sundresses

BROOKE VAN POPPELEN,(Caroline's)Chicago Underground Comedy Darling, Newly a Native New Yorker and a fucking funny lady

Plus: Videos & Hi-Jinx Galore!

Check us out here:

*Ha ha my fingers were crossed! Hows about this, I'll find you someone to make out with....named Brandy Barber. WHAT?! Nothing.

Insert Fart Here

Funny...I'd be furious too

Last night Barber and I got stuck in a monsoon. We walked one block, screaming the entire way until we found a cab. I left the cab and stepped right into a deep puddle that really looked like maybe a few raindrops. It was in a word - awesome.

This morning on my way to work I heard this loud fart sound behind me. Knowing it wasn't I, I gave the girl behind me a dirty look. Save your farts for the comfort of your own home - or in front of Barber. It wasn't until she got off the train, that I heard it again. WHAT THE??!!! then I realized that my inactive "fart machine" was suddenly active.

I also realized that an entIre subway of people and possible terrorists, thought I was farting.

And now you've realized that I really am insane because I own said "fart machine". And so does Brandy.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Nice Night for Chicken Vandaloo

I benchpress and shit.....

It's so god damn hot outside, I thought by accident I ended up on Universal Studio's BACK DRAFT THE MOVIE! ride. Good god. How's about lowering the temp a wee bit. Thanks Sam Champion.
I recently went shopping at Trader Joe's with my mom on Long Island. I loaded up on plenty of delicious treats such as crab cakes, risotto, things with chocolate in them, crab cakes.....I am trying my damnest to save dinero just in case a pack of terrorists decide to blow up a tunnel and have water crashing into lower Manhattan*, and I need to escape like the pina colada song. Escape parents on Long Island? Yeah probably. Catch y'all on the flip side fuckers.
Allocco the mouth! Speak like a lady. How about if I speak like a lady who thinks she knows too much for her own good but is really a spiteful troll? I'm not saying I am one - I'm saying they exist. Tis' true. I have seen them out and about on the Lower East Side especially. Though I'm almost certain that I don't interact with the such and kind. Almost.
Well this post is about as fun as a case of leprosy. Stir and enjoy!

*well aware this plot was foiled a week ago. I work slow people. Deal.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

And I'm On Tonight You Know My Hips Don't Lie and I'm Starting to Feel It's Right

Thanks Shakira. I really needed to hear your song twelve times while driving back and forth from my parents house to Greenport. What makes this all the more special? I didn't really care much for this song when I first heard it - but it was beat into my tiny brain twelve times....thanks to my mother who kept thinking it was "Oh I shake my tail feather" instead of "oh my hips don't lie". How she came up with a phrase that doesn't resemble the original in any way, shape, or form - is beyond me.

Regardless, we had ourselves a fun day traveling to Greenport for lunch at Claudios (lobster rolls...insert drool sound effects), shopped, drove and listened to Shakira, and then stopped off at the Tanger Outlets. There I purchased fun treats for myself at JCrew, Nine West, and Lids. Yes I am the proud new owner of a Kangol hat. Very Ladies Love Cool James.

NO!!! I bought a Yankees hat to wear on the beach. Very Spears-like.

I also thought that I was having a stroke today because I kept forgetting the name of my medicine and calling it my endocrinology. Clearly not the same as synthroid. Though if this was some sort of match game, surely the two would go hand in hand......if you're a retarded chimp named Sammy who wears a straw cowboy hat and gingham overalls. I SAID IF!

Turns out no stroke - that's right bitches, Allocco's coming back to her desk on Monday! Seems I'm just well rested. The result of being out of the city for a week and well....being relaxed. A doy.

Monday, July 03, 2006

They Say it's Your Birthday

When I was nine I threw myself a birthday July. On my own. In my parents house. You can say I had some big balls as a nine year-old. I invited all the kids who I knew would give me the nicest presents, made invitations, and goody bags out of leftover Halloween candy bags. I have no clue how the invitations made out of looseleaf paper and a sharpie got to their houses without my mom knowing, but there I was on a beautiful sunny Saturday in July, in a party dress waiting for my guests to arrive. My sister was in her bedroom probably watching television, while my mom went grocery shopping. Unbeknownst to my mom, her youngest daughter was awaiting the arrival of six 9 year-old girls. And presents. Bitches don't play people.
When the first guest arrived, my sister heard one of the mothers say "Happy Birthday Sara". She thought "that's odd, Sara's birthday isn't until December". She peered out the window and saw two more girls being dropped off in party dresses with large packages wrapped neatly in balloon wrapping paper and big pink bows. I took the girls (and the gifts) into my bedroom where I made everyone play "Pin the Tail on the Donkey". A game I created on my own out of construction paper, scotch tape, and magic markers. When my mother arrived home my sister told her what was going on. She stormed into my bedroom and demanded that I call each child's mother to explain what I did.

After crying and pouting I agreed to do it. If only to keep my new assortment of Barbies and Wish World Kids. What's a little groveling when you receive six new toys to play with! Oh but Val had a better plan. She actually made me return the gifts (the horror!) and personally apologize to each mother for lying about it being my birthday party.

To her credit she did get us a pizza, organized some games, and gave us ice-cream cones. I didn't even get grounded. What did I get? The same gifts from three of the girls in December. Moral of my story - don't rush for things now that you'll end up getting sooner or later.

Oh and that I obviously was Problem Child. And that I wish I had a birthday in the summer and not in December.