Tuesday, February 28, 2006

End of the Month Recap

  1. Bangkok is awesome.
  2. So is Singapore.
  3. And Malayasia.
  4. I am so happy that my sister moved back to NYC. She shall be a happier person as a result.
  5. "Walk the Line" and "Shop Girl" both made me cry on an 18 hour flight.
  6. I strangely have an incredible fondness for all things Asian, and airline food.
  7. Valentine's Day is better when you spend it with friends at a karaoke bar in Chinatown.
  8. I am proud of my friends when they go thru detox....with me.
  9. Sometimes you have to let people go on even when you'd rather they stick around until you've made up your mind.
  10. I am in love with Nick Lachey.....this includes the tribal band, gel in hair, and his new single.

Monday, February 27, 2006

But I Can't Stay Away From You, Gloria Estefan

I too wish I knew how to quit you Ennis....Jack....

So yesterday I finally saw "Brokeback". It's one of those films you see, you cry, you leave a little brokenhearted. Then you head over to a japanese minimart with your friend Debbie, spend four dollars on a bowl of microwavable udon, then walk home complaining more about the cold, and talking less about the film. But as the night wore on, I started thinking more and more about the impact of this film. This is all in part to an incredibly well shot flick, two hot a-list stars getting in on, and Randy Quaid.

"The shitter was full!"

Yeah you read correctly. Randy Quaid is in this oscar-nominated film. Someday when I'm a famous actress (quit laughing fags it can happen) , I only hope that I have the same sort of resume which reads such fine films as "The Last Picture Show", "Kingpin" and of course "Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure". What a range. And a nice moustache (pronounced moo-stash in my world) to boot!

Oh yeah and the part when the boys get it on for the first time is nothing short of hot and horny. Rad.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

George Hamilton Scares

the shit out of me

Yikes Mister!

Dancing With The Stars....C Level Stars That Is

God save the Lachey....
I have never watched an entire episode of "Dancing With The Stars". I've also never eaten a bowl of soup from M2M, a burrito, and two slices of pizza with in the same hour. Oh puff the magic dragon, why must you make me hungry?
Can I just ask God to PLEASE LET DREW WIN!! His fucking wife is pregnant, he needs the money and pr, and his brother only happens to be LA NICK 'Love the ho then leave the ho' LACHEY.
Oh wait, let me talk about this commercial that's on right now. Its the Diamond Trading Company commercial when the guy gets re-engaged to his wife in Itlay by a fountain and her parents and siblings and like fucking korean nail lady are there. Yeah cause that's going to happen to ALL of us. Oh grandmas not bitter kids, but COME ON what are you thinking ad execs? You have a better chance showing some guy present a gold band and pear shaped diamond then getting a swift puch to the right sack by his girlfriend. A nice one.
Oh no they di'nt. Stacie and Tony just got voted off! Jerry Rice must have a lot of fans. Drew, his brother Nick.
Who will win? Who gives a shit, I need some chocolate.

Friday, February 24, 2006

God is Love

Well apparently on 7th Avenue in Chelsea he is.

PS great show ladies!!!!

Said I Loved You But I Lied

This is more than love I feel inside....

You sing it Michael Bolton! Okay ladies, take a long hard look at this man in the silver briefs. There may come a time when he and I are one.

Now take a look at this 6-pack of Amstel Light. It's highly more likely that he and I will be together a lot sooner. (much to my parent's dismay)

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Crawling Underneath My Skin

I give these two kids a lot of gruff for being many things (which includes but is not limited to being white trash). Truth is, who the hell am I to comment on their personal lives? No really. What sort of power do I hold over Federtrash and Brit Brit. Can I call them bad parents when I've never spent ten minutes in their presence with Sean Preston? Can I say that they are unhappy when I've never witnessed a fight nor a stripper atop Kevin's lap in Vegas? The answer sadly my friends is no. And yet who are we to cast the first Starbucks Frap at these two? They are young, she has money, thanks to her now so does he. I'm not allowing myself to pass judgment any longer when I clearly cannot even get my own life in order.

With or without a record deal.

Now let's just see how long this little martyr act of mine is going to last. I'm thinking by tomorrow I'll be back to being catty and snide. Any takers?

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Make Him Whole Once Again

Okay I can't not write about this anymore - Nick Lachey's new song. WHAT?!! Okay it's borderline cheeze as in "Hardest Thing" which you can go fuck yourself because I bought the cd single in 1999 with Kelly at a record store. Yes before mp3 players, I bought the cd single to play in my 98' VW Passat. Jesus Nick what are you doing? It's so sad home boy. So sad. I figured you'd be out the door dropping a new single like Justin did to Brit Brit with "Cry Me a River". Why don't you mention the cheating, her creepy father, having to listen to Ashlee sing live? WHY??!!! I get it that you're trying to have the upper hand and that you're also up for millions of dollars of her dinero by playing nice. But know this, if you don't produce one line of lyrics that reads "So you fucked Johnny, Adam, and Bam but what creeped me out most was your mother f-ing dad" or something salaciously similar, then I sire shall not purchase any more cd singles at a record store!!!!

And this has nothing to do with the fact that record stores don't even exist anymore. You make me sick now goodnight, turn off the light, and come to bed hotstuff.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Don't Wanna Be a Playa No More

Take two and head to your parents house.

After filling up my calendar for the entire past week with shows, parties, and our valentines day bash, I escaped to the only place where a gal like me can get some TLC and a good talking to. No not my ex-boyfriend's. My parents house!

I was suppose to arrive early Saturday morning but due to a prior engagement Friday night that left me out about the town drunk until oh I don't know 4:30 in the morning, I didn't manage to get on the train until almost 4pm. Way to go Allocco.

Brandy and I attended the going away party of a lovely lady at the infamous Cabin Fever bar. The plan was for us to conduct ourselves like the adults our mothers wished they raised. This tune was quickly changed once we saw the drink special - $20 all you can drink beers until 11pm. So what if I had plans to be in bed by 11? After singing some songs thanks to the amazing karaoke set-up they have, Barber left (somewhere around midnight?) and I stayed and drank some more. (no not alone, I did have others there to drink with but thanks for the concern Dad) At some point an email sign up list was sent to me and to be a dick I wrote Ihavecabinfever@aol.com then passed it back to the girl who snottly remarked, "Gee if you didn't want to sign the mailing list you could have just said so". Night wasn't complete yet. I threw the 7 ball into the pocket then had to pay $1.80 in quarters after ruining the game that didn't even begin yet, then complained to the aformentioned snotty girl that I didn't want to part with "my laundry money" (this was more like a whine less like a statement). After more drinks, a trip to the diner, and a cab ride home I stuck my head out the window like a dog and may have barked "Woof woof". Yuck.

So is it any wonder that I spent my entire weekend staying sober, eating yummy food, and watching "Fat Camp" on MTV? Yeah I didn't think so either. But is it half strange or just fucked up that I am now drinking a Red Stripe as I type this?

Thursday, February 16, 2006

No Honestly How Could You Not.....

fucking love this face Rozzi???? He's smiling at you for god's sake!

This precious little angel is cuter than most children! (no no....of course not yours dear readers....but well you know the kind)

With You Last Night I Had So Much Fun

Brandy and I had a soiree in honor of Valentine's Day. This is a brief journey into the madness. Sorry to those who came who we sadly didn't get a picture with. You are aware that we are camera whores. And by you I am of course speaking directly to Giulia.

Honestly though does anyone know what the f happened to my Bangkok earring? I came home (drunk of course) missing one!

Anyone who found it or saw it in the sweaty palm of a Chinese man, if returned you shall be paid handsomely.....with a swift kick to the nutsack.

I love you. I honestly love you.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Can You Feel the Love Tonight?

Save it for after the singing people! Sheesh!

List of songs I shall sing tonight to the delight of no one:

Hold The Line - Toto
Saving All My Love for You - Whitney
I Can't Make You Love Me (if you don't) - Bonnie Rait
Hello - Lionel
Enough is Enough - duet with Brandy - Streisand & Summer
Hopelessly Devoted - duet with Brandy - Olivia
Lesson in Leaving - Jodee Messina
My All (dedicated to my bottle of beer and mai tai) - Mimi
House of Love - duet with Brandy - Amy Grant/Vince Gill

For now.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Give It To Me

Suck on this.

Tomorrow I shall sing two songs about love, one song about holding a line, and three songs Whitney Houston wrote about Bobby Brown. (or someone wrote for her)

And that's just in the first hour.

Sweet Comic Valentine

If I had my wish. My wish for one man to be my valentine. It would be this man.

This is a man who ALWAYS brings the confetti. Fuckers.

Also, I think he'd stick up for me by knocking certain twerps in their fat little necks.

No wait, that's Brandy and Ang.


Barber flips off love. And a homesless vet.

Heard on the L train this evening:

Little Boy: Momma what's commitment?
Mother: Commitments something your daddy don't do.
(insert howl of laughter from Mom's friend and an "oh no you didn't")

Yes guys, she did.

Happy Night Before Valentines Day.

Now where the fuck are my flowers, candies, and diamonds you promised no one?

Sunday, February 12, 2006

No Seriously What a Dick

Vice President Cheney shot and wounded a friend while quail hunting. I repeat, Vice President Cheney shot and wounded a friend while quail hunting.

If this man is capable of shooting a buddy, just imagine how he'd treat an enemy. Or 100, 000+ US Troops.

Kind man. Kind, gentle, loving man.

Really, Who Needs to Change When They've Been So Successful at Being Terrible?

Not I sire. I can tell you that. So I have (with the help of my mom) found three diaries from ages 13 - 16 and in total honesty - I HAVE NOT CHANGED. Not one bit when it comes to dealing with boys or men or even vocal quartet Boys II Men (yes there is a letter from an ex who in 10th grade wrote the lyrics of "Let's Not Wait Till The Water Runs Dry" in a letter he mailed to me.) I am putting together my little set for Wednesday's "Mortified" and it kills me how dramatic and innocently retarded I was. Is. Whatever. Shut it. Shocking. I know. What really have I learned through therapy besides being a little better about channeling my emotions? Obviously, nothing. In talking with Kelly before who told me that she "never kept a lame diary" (maybe I'm paraphrasing) she of course was not surprised in the least to hear some of my lame lamments.

It's all pretty standard really. I like a boy. Fall for boy. Am confused by boy's behaviour and actions. Am then am mean to said boy. This results in me not learning my lesson and moving onto boy numero (insert high # here). Whatever. I also discovered my fondness for all things lyrical developed at a very young age. I am quoting song lyrics in 1992. Except I am pretending I wrote them ("Wicked Game" and "As Long as He Needs Me" from the musical Oliver are just a few gems!)

What a fag.

Speaking of fags, is anyone sick of this jackass carrying around these little muppets?? I sure do know that I am. I hope his foot gets tangled in those balloons, trips on Maddox, and drops Zahara Marley. Nice name dick.

Uh uh sister. Don't even try it. You're like 30 now, why don't you try dressing like it? (Cut to - me at 27 trying to squeeze my ass into tight jeans and new boots from TopShop) I'm shaking a finger and it's not the index, at you!

I see London, I see France I see that you probably have some coke in your purse. That and the fact that you made that sausage behind you cry because you wouldn't sign her tummy. Bad Jessica! Now go put some clothes on and stay away from Adam Levine. Because I'm almost certain that if given the choice he would totally pick me, a 27 year-old who can't afford her rent, to you and your diamonds and rubies and big chest. HA. HA. Ha....a.....aaaaaahhh......boooooo...........(cut to Sara crying for three minutes while listening to "She Will be Loved" while trying to flex her chest in order to make bigger).

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Weiner Dog

Coming soon to a NYC block near you.

Ang and I had a great idea while drinking out last night. We are going to invest in a hot dog wagon (perhaps much like the one shown above) and park it this summer all around our favorite bars. Sometimes we might be on the LES. Maybe the next weekend you'll find us in the West Village. We will be all over, making delicious hotdogs (no mayo allowed), and kinishes for a sweet fee of $1 each. You have a beach house? Yeah good luck with that, we have a weiner wagon.

Just imagine all the guys - er chodes - we are going to meet!


Not to be confused with this television masterpiece.

Can someone please explain why around this time of year, do all of the news channels focus on "the big one" that's supposedly brewing some two states away? The last time I checked, we were in NY....a state that will experience some to a lot of snow in the cold winter months. Hey Sam Champion, unless it's snowing in my bedroom in JUNE...take a hike and let's focus on much more important things. Like the Grammy's.

Okay Grandma, time to put the curling iron and yoga mat away

I am all for women who in their forties can still sing and dance with the best of them gay dancers in briefs. Honestly. But Madge, you're starting to look a bit droopy and though do I applaud the lack of botox injections to the neck, face, and forehead - still I wonder if there might have been a better ensemble for you to parade around in?

There. Much better. Now you look like my grandmere. Who might I add, at 94 still drove her caddie all over town in order to keep her nails well manicured and her mind sharp playing bridge with the other oldies. Grandmere you make me proud to be your great-granddaughter. Madonna you made me proud to like your music until you began to sashay all over a dance floor in a purple leotard. No thank you madam. I shan't be wanting anymore of that.

Since I wasn't around for the Grammy's, I had to rely on "The Straits Times" that was delivered to my hotel room, to give me the grammy winning stats. I'm proud of that little sprite Kelly Clarkson, and have to say that I enjoy the ignoring game she plays when it comes to anything that has to do with "American Idol". No, you shouldn't thank Simon, Paula, and Randy anymore than Mariah should thank Tommy Mottola. By the way, when is that girl going to get over hating on him already? It's bad for the skin Mimi. Let it go already. Shake it off or whatever it is you preach but don't practice. I think we need to head to a Korean spa.

Do you know this woman? She knows God. Knows him so well that she wins a grammy every year signing on and on and on about him. I have never heard her music but know her name, only from winning a grammy for best gospel singing (yes I'm almost certain that is the actual name of the category) year after year, after year.

At the time of their win, Madonna had yet to "rule the world", Kelly Clarkson was a fetus, but I'm pretty sure that Yolanda won that year for gospel...again.

But what I want to know is when are these guys going to grace the stage and sweep the awards again? OH never you say? How dare you mock me and my musical taste (not to mention taste in men who can sing falsetto with the best of them). Honestly, how dare.

Friday, February 10, 2006

Holding Out for a Hero

It's about time I start dating athletes. And you Mr. Miller will do just fine. You're very attractive in that "I just smoked a bowl, drank three buds, and mooned the New Hampshire police" sort of way.

And me likes that.....A LOT.

Now take off those shades, put down those skis, bring that bowl, and get over here!


I'm quite tired as a result of a case of the jetlag. But I'm not terrible. I am however peeesed that
1) I'm coming down with a cold
2) It's suppose to be a blizzard this weekend. This prompts my mom to tell me to "stock up on food, toiletries, and medicine", making me think that sometimes my mother things that I live in a cabin in the Appalachian mountains. Minus heat and running water.

Hey so how is everyone? Yeah I really don't care. I KEED! Jet lag is fun because it allows you to troll the internet looking for Kenny Loggins and Toto memorabilia. It's also great because you can cyber-stalk people. and honestly guys what sort of lady of the hour would I be had I not stalked you before ever really speaking three words to you?

I have plans. BIG PLANS. I am basically trying to accomplish all of my tasks in one day (that would be today) so that I can enjoy my friends and family this weekend.

Somethings which I shall be doing:
1) grocery shopping at Whole Foods because nothing says pathetic like getting off a plane, realizing you have no cash (only Baht), crying to the guy at Posto to let you use your credit card for the $9 pizza you ordered, then being forced to eat organic split pea soup and Annie's cadburry collection from London.

2) Laundry - hey I warned you this might be exciting....oh I didn't? well then go scratch.

3) Working out - HA!!! This seriously means walking to the aformentioned Whole Foods, taking the stairs and not the elevator in my apartment buidling (gee all three flights!), sitting on the couch and squeezing my ass and stomach everytime Oprah screams with glee/someone fights on the Real World&Road Rules Challenge/Star Jones annoys me on "The View".

4) If I were a lesbian I think I'd rather date Ellen and not Portia because Ellen looks like she eats......meat. OH NO I DIDN'T! OH YES I...oh seriously who cares.

5) Look for snowshoes, flashlights, batteries, and emergency flares (this is really here just to please my mom. I shall be doing none of it I tell you! None of it.)

6) Sadly take a look into my bank account then think of ways of making fast cash (selling ovaries and running a brothel for the working class comes to mind)

7) Figuring out how to use my video camera that I got for xmas. I am planning on taping some of the v-day soiree as long as I don't get piss drunk after nine - count em' - nine mai thai's.

8) I just realized that #4 is really a comment rather than a task.

But my first task is putting my laptop back on my desk and going back to bed.

OH WAIT - but there is more. I watched "Walk the Line" and "ShopGirl" on my flight back. Though I had seen "ShopGirl" I still cried like a total dipshit at the end. Like cried cried. Then when I watched 'Walk the Line" I got the girl version of a boner for Joaquin Phoenix.....AGAIN.

I just thought you should all know this.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Friendly Reminder

I think I've discovered what's causing the pop-ups because it does it on my sister's blog as well. Well sinc I"ll now have to remove the music I'll just have to add MORE LYRICS!!! (this one's for you Barber) Should I begin with "Headed for a Heartbreak" by Winger?? Maybe "As long as You Love me" by BSB? Decisions, decisons. I have a two hour lay over in Singapore....I'm going to take all the time I need.

Day to Night Barbie*

I go from here......

...to here within the next 48 hours. Fucking genius.

Tonight is my last night traveling (well not including the one on the flight tomorrow) but regardless I shall be home sires tomorrow (that's a Thursday!). I have had a great time and done a lot of good stuff. But now it's time for me to sleep in my own bed and see my delightful little roommate and wonderful friends and family. Adieu. Adieu. To you and you and you.

You know I'm a dreamer, but my heart's of gold. (no really it is) I had to run away high so I wouldn't come home low. Just when things went right it doesn't mean they were always wrong. (well sometimes it does) Just take this song and you'll never feel left all alone. (oh yeah this is a song I'm quoting, hope you enjoy it Tommy Lee) Take me to your heart. (sure why not) Feel me in your bones. ( no seriously why fucking not?) Just one more night and I'm coming' off this long & winding road. (in Asia - in case I never made it clear where I've been for over two weeks) I'm on my way. Well I'm on my way, home sweet home. (that's to my apartment) Tonight, tonight I'm on my way, I'm on my way. Home sweet home. You know that I've seen too many romantic dreams up in lights, falling' off the silver screen. (Like poor Chris Penn who I didn't know died until this week...that's Asia for you) My heart's like an open book for the whole world to read. (well on this blog at least) Sometimes nothing-keeps me together at the seams. ( well nothing like a good book, warm bath, and some good pinot noir...eww get a room Allocco...with yourself) I'm on my way, well I'm on my way, home sweet home. Tonight tonight I'm on my way. (technically not till tomorrow - 13 hours ahead of you in NY) Just set me free, home sweet home.


I just found out that when peole come to my blog some are getting pop-ups which my mom calls, "nasty porn sites". Gee guys, so sorry about that one (though as I'm sure you know it was my intention). I am going to get to the bottom of this. Any by that I of course mean doing nothing until this weekend when I'm back in New York and maybe muster up the energy to complain to blogger.


Well La De Da

In Malaysia (which is amazingly pristine and beautiful) it is common for a wealthy, successful young man to have an arranged marriage. Though I can't help but think of the scene in "Coming to America" where Akeem makes his "bride to beeeeee" bark like a big dog....then a small one, I have wondered aloud to myself in an elevator, "self if you could have an arranged marriage, who would you marry? Would you marry the guy who was great in bed but hard to track down? The one who got away? The one that made you stay?". Actually, I would marry the guy who is least like Woody Allen's character in "Annie Hall". Yes friends, if it's one thing I have realized it's that I don't think I'd be happy with Alvy either. Despite the many times I made have made myself believe I would be happy, I just know myself - my real self - and I totally wouldn't. Go Diane Keaton.

Monday, February 06, 2006

When You Don't Look Back I Guess the Feeling Starts to Fade Away

Sometimes taking time away from something gives you a much better perspective. You should be proud that you took the time to heal and have a new outlook.

And if you do look back it won't be in anger Oasis.

The Suite Life

Singapore is dope. It's so clean that it's almost scary. I have been working like a dawg but the Grand Hyatt here is lovely and I've been upgraded to a suite. (a thannnk you!) Also we did some shopping yesterday and I purchased many a perty thing for me to wear upon my return back in the States. But honestly, I'm so Asian right now I've forgotten what it's like to be a New Yorker....scratch that...you can't possibly forget. Oh but sire I did try. Maybe I really am an egg*

*white on the outside, yellow on the inside. You do the math.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Sire You Must

at once get tickets for February 15th's "Mortified". I shall be doing ALL NEW material. So even if you've seen me those other times - COME SEE IT AGAIN!

WHEN: Wednesday February 15
TIME: 8:00pm
WHERE: The Tank @ Collective: Unconscious is located at 279 Church Street
TICKETS: www.smarttix.com or call 212-868-4444
COST: $15
MORE INFO: Click www.getmortified.com
FEATURING PATHETIC TEEN CRAP BY:Wendy Cohen, Lianne Stokes, Michael Creighton, Suzanne Weber, Jon Friedman,Sara Allocco,Sasha Burgos Conde, Victoria Scroggins, and Giulia Rozzi.

And Yet I'll Miss His Face...

And wonder if he's missing mine...

Once in a while I like to think back to the guys I've dated, been in love with, not been in love with and wonder what they're eating for breakfast. More importantly who they're eating breakfast with.

In all seriousness I wish every single one of them the best, because it's how I roll. See guys, a person really can change!*

* no she really can't...well okay maybe just a little.

The Whores Come Out At Night

Just returned from mai tais and pasta at the Four Season's and for the second night in a row have ridden in an elevator with a prostitute and her job. Am I on the OPP floor? Today we were discussing how gross it is to see a married man take a trampy ho up to his room. I think the grossest part isn't the actual banging but the hand holding. It's like these girls believe for one night that they're cast as the lead in "Miss Saigon" and that their song will be played on solo saxophone* or something, and that I shouldn't throw them dirty looks.

I'm not throwing you nasty glances ho because you're about to do a gross, fat, bloated, adult Augustus Gloop - BUT that you have the audacity to carry a fake hangbag in my presence. Girl I'll house you.

Also, I think the cast of "Bachelor Party" is in the room right next to me. Oh god how I wish Adrian Zmed was right next to me....

*for those theater fags amongst us.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Night Market, Night Market - We Know How To Do It

Finally had mango sticky rice. Was delish. Then we went to the Night Market which sort of reminds me of the old Roosevelt Field Flea Market (with more Asians obviously). Then on our way up to our rooms, we rode the elevator with two German businessmen and their Thai prostitues. I was lucky enough to get out on the 9th floor with one of the charming, happy couples and ran like hell for fear that they might ask me to join them... then felt a bit defeated when they didn't.

Back to work for Sara Jo!!

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

A Glimpse Of Sara Jo

is in today's Metro New York!! You know that newspaper that they hand you before you board the subway? The free one? Ah yes, well it appears that they did a story on "Mortified" and interviewed my dear friend Giulia Rozzi (co-producer) and apparently my picture is shown. Me. Little old me, who in the shot is no doubt singing one of the many pathetic songs I wrote as a teenager when I was hit over the head with a frying pan and thought I was Lisa Loeb or something. Rad. I can't see it because once again, I'm in ASIA. BUT fear not, they don't call my mother "Momma Rose" for nothing. Last I heard she was making my sister leave work for the day and collect every single Metro NY she can lay her hands on. Then upon my return, I will wallpaper my apartment with them, while you smile, spill your coffee on my photo, then use it to wipe your ass. Three Cheers And One Hooray!!!

*special thanks to G. After this, it's sofa city anytime you want my darling. Not that it wasn't already.