Friday, December 31, 2004

"I'm at the top of the world and lifes a p*ssy buffet...."

Um okay. Yeah. Right. So.... I'm here eating Papa Johns leftovers and watching "Best Year Ever", when I get this impulsive urge to start dancing like a moron in my apartment. Alone.

I'm listening to my mp3's off of my computer and am really digging this new Ja Rule song ("Wonderful"), when all of sudden I hear R. Kelly - that swarmy dirtball,12 year old banging, self-proclaimed pimp - singing his part of the song. Okay. At first he's not mentioning anything out of the ordinary. It's the typical montage of "got my ho's" and "I'm such a pimp", when I hear the most disturbing line ever uttered from his mouth (in a song - he's way dirtier I'm sure in bed) "I'm at the top of the world and lifes a pussy buffet" . Um. Okay. Thanks R. Shouldn't you seriously watch what you sing about these days?? I mean granted, you didn't just sing about some underage poontang, but nevertheless you're still talking about doing dirty things with bitches and ho's. So for the sake of quite possibly being arrested on yet another charge of child porn, having sex with a minor, relieving yourself on a child, etc, etc - why don't you just sing about flying high and touching the sky. Kapeesh?

Now excuse me while I go back to my free style dancing.....

The Tops of 2004

Well my dear friends, it seems as though 2004 (the year of the Monkey) has come to an end. Now before I launch into a medley of songs beginning with Boys II Men's "End of the Road" and finishing with Carly Simon's "Coming Around Again", let's take a look back on what top three things made my world go 'round:

Top 3 Trends:
1) Trying to lower my cholesterol by abstaining from cheese
2) Deciding to drink more during the work week than on the weekends
3) My obsession with all things US Weekly, Star Magazine, and In Touch

Top 3 New Bands/Singers I liked:
1) The Killers
2) Keane
3) Jamie Cullum

Top 3 Songs that Didn't Come Out in 2004 but I fell in love with again anyways:
1) Make Believe - Toto
2) Only You - Yaz
3) If This is It - Huey Lewis and The News

Top 3 Favorite Things I wore to death:
1) Uggs
2) Those army green cargo capris from American Eagle
3) My white cotton Gap and Petite Bandeau t-shirts that eventually developed holes and pit stains. (Hey - who invited the pretty girl??)

Top 3 Places I Traveled to :
1) Tokyo - 10 days
2) Key West - two weeks
3) San Fran - 5 days

Top 3 Britney Moments of 2004:
1) Her bum knee and cancelled tour
2) The song "Toxic"
3) Her claiming to People magazine that she will gain weight because she is "happy" but will not become "a lard ass". I relish in the fact that she refers to herself as a "lard ass" because it now allows me to refer to her as one.

Top 3 Things that Kept Me Busy:
1) Eating things that I didn't prepare myself
2) Drinking/Going out with friends
3) My blog/Writing/Friendster

Top 3 Moments:
1) While on a subway in Tokyo with all non-English speaking people and only two hundred yen ($2.00 US) in my wallet where I had to find an ATM on my own....which I did. A thank you. A thank you.
2) Discovering that I am okay without certain people in my life (get gone deadbeats) but not okay if certain others left my life.
3) Anything from those nights of pure drunkenness and mayhem, and the sobering mornings after

Top 3 Things that Scared the Shit Out of Me:
1) The Rebublican National Convention two blocks from where I worked and ten from where I lived.
2) That gays cannot get married but Britney Spears can....twice.
3) Scott Peterson.

Top 3 Movies:
1) I really liked "The Station Agent"
2) "The Bourne Supremacy": Matt Damon + Acting like a dick = Total Hotness
3) "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" and "Love Actually" (tie)

Top 3 Most Annoying People, Places or Things:
1) Ashlee Simpson - that no talent ass clown
2) P Diddy in "A Raisin in the Sun". Sean I'm only gonna say this to you once - please just stick to doing what you do best: stealing other people's songs and remaking them into infectious dance beats and then calling them you're own
3) That Ron Artest Fight thingie - did I ever mention to anyone that he used to try to cheat of of me in our bo-bo math class at SJU by referring to me as "shorty" and "blondie"?? Oh I did? Many times you say? Whatevs.

Things That Didn't Get Old for Me in 2004
1) Choreographing a dance to Usher's "Let it Burn" in June with Erica and still remembering the exact moves 6 months later
2) Hitting Muse whenever I was having a bad day and sometimes smuggling 40's inside (with the help of Brandy)
3) Using the term "may or may not have" so much that now my parents say it

Best Celeb Sightings of 04'
1) Hugh Jackman with his son and "beard" (a:k:a: his wife)
2) Leonardo DiCaprio on his bike
3) Anyone that was out on October 30th in the West Village and caught me and Danielle dressed up as the Olsen Twins.

Top 3 People I'd Most Want to Spend a NYC Weekend With in 05'
1) The lead singer of "The Killers" - because he is hot, makes cool music, and he is hot
2) Trey Parker - because a great sense of humor, talent, and good looks does something to this gal.
3) Hands down a winner consistently year after true love Justin Timberlake. I know he was pretty much MIA this year (that is when he wasn't beating up photographers with Cam) but watching that kid perform solo makes me feel that "weak" like SWV used to sing about.

Top 3 Things I want to do in 2005
1) Learn how to cook
2) Travel to Europe
3) Devote more time to changing those things in my life which I have been yammering about since December of 03'


Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Step by step, heart to heart, left right left, we all fall Toy Soldiers

No, don't worry. I promise not to sing any more Martika.

I just returned from my very early doctor's appointment (pre-op for next weeks surgery) and must have been half asleep as I fell out of my Ugg (that's right bitches - I'm still wearing them!) on the escalator heading up to 53rd street. I was helped up by a nice young man who resembled Colin Hanks. At first I thought it really was Colin Hanks, then I noticed the Bloomberg bag he had and realized he was just another suit. Albeit, a very cute suit.

So after my fall, I managed to stifle my own laughter because like a retard, I seem to not only laugh at the misfortune of others but mine as well. See, I'm not that mean*.

The good news is that I'm flu free!! I got a flu shot from the secret stash they had there, and made the nurse swear on her mother's grave that it was legit and not Eggbeaters or something. She swore and now I'm flu free. Then I had the exciting task of getting blood taken. Big ups to anyone who can cut off my circulation by tying the rubber band too tight around my arm, and then asking me how my Christmas was. (very well thank you)

So on my way back, I decided to take a walk down memory lane and passed my very first apartment on East 56th and Lexington. I was glad to see that the Dunkin Donuts/Arby's/Chinese Food counter across the street from it was now a Sprint Store. I can recall many a night when my roommates and I would crawl out of cabs onto Lexington and see not one, but two rats in the window of the Dunkin Donuts. We'd scream and vow never to eat there, only to fill up on chocolate crullers and fried rice the next morning.

Just when I was about to board the E train downtown I heard a familiar tune being played by an old Chinese man with a saw. Was it? It couldn't be. Is it? Yes. I think it is. Why it's "Against All Odds".....on saw??! He did a fantastic job and I was quite sad when the E train loudly came into the station....just when he was getting to the climactic verse when Phil Collins sings, "I wish I could just make you turn around. Turn around and see me cry. There's so much I need to say to you. So many reasons why".

Clearly I have issues.

*Who really, am I kidding??

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

If I Could Drink a Case of You....

Alright, it's official. I am an alcoholic. Regardless of whether or not I attend meetings - I am an alchie at it's finest. I have made plans to go out and drink socially tonight, tomorrow night, Thursday night, and Friday night (being New Years Eve of course!). Saturday morning I will probably be dialing 911 on myself to have my body rushed to the nearest hospital where my stomach will be pumped. Inside my stomach, the doctors might be able to find any of the following: Malibu pineapples, Amstel Lights, shots of some sort, cheetos, pizza, a cheeseburger from McHales (delish!), red wine, white wine, peanut M&M's, champagne, and zinfandel (only proving how drunk I was that I actually consumed zinfandel "The wine choice of 16 year olds!").

Oh yes and I may or may not be downing a glass of red wine as I type this.

My excuse? It's the last week of 2004!! So glad to see it go and so happy to ring in the big 05'. Sara plans on going out in style...or at the very least drunk. Really, really, really drunk.

Monday, December 27, 2004

Sweet love's showin' us a heavenly light, never seen such a beautiful sight

I just took a lovely drive with my mom and sister down A1A to South Beach, and to my delight heard a Kenny Loggins set on the radio. Hooray for "I'm Alright", "Whenever I Call You Friend" and my personal favorite, "This is It". It reminds me of being in college when one of my roommates and I used to play his greatest hits CD over and over again(which I used to have before someone stole it, thank you very much) We'd sing about the boys who did us wrong. But instead of singing "This is it!", we'd instead sing "He's a DICK!". Obviously because we were so charming and clever.

Tan Lines and Hangovers

I'm leaving tomorrow for NYC and am none too pleased with my arrival time. I thought I'd be coming in closer to 6pm at night but I just checked my flight and it's at 12noon. Criminy! I was hoping to squeeze in one more day of sun, but alas it's not meant to be.

So I've had a pretty rad time(yes... I just used the word rad. That is what I get for spending so much time down here), and am glad that I was able to spend so much time with the fam as well as Mark and Gabriel who had us over for Christmas Eve (yummy cocktail and such) AND Christmas (delicious pork dinner and some more cocktails). Come to think of it, I have been drinking every single day while down here, which I suppose is no big deal but it does leave me to ponder what I'll write down when I go for my physical on Wednesday. Usually the nurse provides you with the paperwork to fill out and there is always a question that appears something like this:

How many drinks do you have per week: _ none _1-3 _ 4-6 _7-10_more then 10
Normally I check off the 4-6 range but this time around I will have to come clean and put a big fat check mark in the "more than 10" range. Delicious. But if it's one thing I learned this week, it's this: I am not an alcoholic. Alcoholics go to meetings. I am just a drunk.

I'll drink to that!

Sunday, December 26, 2004

Pharrell and Sara Sitting in a Tree....

I dreamt last night that I was dating Pharrell* I even woke up at 8am and went back to bed and continued to have the same dream. When does that happen??

I am now convinced that it is a sign of things to come for 2005......mark my words Pharrell Williams you will be mine.

End of story.

* For those of you who don't know....he's the cute one on the right.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

10:30am and 78 degrees bay-bay

In high school I used to sing the National Anthem at basketball games. I remember practicing before one of them at home and forgetting one of the versus. I began to panic but luckily my mom was there to help me out. On the way to the game I confidently practiced one last time for my friend Joe, when he turned to me and said, "Sara those aren't the right words".

Last night we were watching TV at my sister's and a commercial with the song "Let My Love Open the Door" by Pete Townsend came on. So I started singing along (because I can) and my mom tries to correct me by telling me that it's really "Let Milo open the door" . Milo? Who the hell is Milo? Ah yes, Wendy Wrong Lyrics strikes again.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Reviews from 30,000 Feet

While traveling from LaGuardia to Fort Lauderdale this morning, I am spoiled aboard my Song Airlines flight with a multitude of songs and television stations to choose from. I thought that since I am aboard this plane and that I am not currently taking valium, that I might as well write up a little review of sorts of some of the music I have at my disposal. (entire cd's peeps....this plane is so great)

Clay Aiken - Measure of a Man
I'm sorry but I cannot accept that he enjoys having sex with girls, so it's hard for me to enjoy this CD where every song is about how much he enjoys romancing the ladies. Take a seat Clay. No one's buying your act. Why don't you give John Travolta a call and see how he was able to make it through singing "I'm Gonna Let Her In" a thousand times during his "Welcome Back Kotter" heyday.

Hilary Duff - Metamorphosis
"So Yesterday" - so cute. This is an album I could have released had I been a successful pop tween ....with a sizeable rack.

Justin Timberlake - Justified
Oh Justin please leave Cameron for me. I promise I'll use my discount and get you all the small leather goods your little heart desires. No? Well then can we at least makeout???

Jessica Simpson - In This Skin
Ugh. I used to think that Jessica's album was a tribute to her becoming a women now that she married Nick "Please End My Life" Lachey. But now when I listen to her singing I can't help but cringe at the idea of her creepy father standing there watching her sing about "making love" and helping her to read lines such as, "Your skin upon my skin would be the sweetest sin" ...GROSS.

Josh Groban - Closer
If Justin makes out with me - will you then hold my hand Josh? Shhh....please. Don't say a word. It will be our little secret.

Beyonce - Dangerously in Love
It's totally acceptable to take advantage of the seat-belt sign being off to dance in your seat, right? Oh Jay Z - you so crazy, I think I wanna have your baby.

Cat Power - You're Free
yeah I have no clue who they are either. It's not terrible, but they are making me a little sleepy. And hungry. Again.

Melissa Etheridge - Lucky
I like Melissa Etheridge. I also like boys. Therefore it makes it difficult to picture doing boys to her music, as it's made by woman for woman.

Guns and Roses - Greatest Hits
I say a prayer every night thanking god for Axl Rose circa 1989.

Kidz Bop 3 - Group of children singing hits like, "Whenever/Wherever" and "You Don't Have to Call". The worst casualty?? Vanessa Carlton's "A Thousand Miles" How dare you ruin the ultimate stalking anthem. How dare little hanger jobs!

Madonna - Immaculate Collection
When I was in 1st grade I told people that Madonna was my sister. When friends would call I'd pretend to be her on the phone. When they'd come over, she was always on tour. The jig was officially up when one friend demanded to see a photo of her with my family. Sadly, all I could produce was the cover to the cassette for "Like a Virgin".

**Side note - Once in a while if I am at the beach, I like to roll around in the sand and pretend I am in the video for "Cherish". Nope folks. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

Hooray for turbulence! And yummy cheese snacks! Song Airlines - you're the best! Warm weather HERE I COME.

Peace Out.

Monday, December 20, 2004

Sara's Top 15

I may have close to 600 songs on my Ipod but let's face it - I pretty much like listening to the same 15 songs. In no special order here they are:

1) Magic in the Air - Badly Drawn Boy
2) Hands Down - Dashboard Confessional
3) So Long - Rilo Kiley
4) Two of Hearts - Stacey Q
5) Caught A Light Sneeze - Tori Amos
6) What it Takes - Aerosmith
7) Bad Reputation - Freedy Johnson
8) Stepping Out - Joe Jackson
9) Since You've Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson
10) God is a DJ - Pink
11) Just Another - Pete Yorn
12) Simple Life - No Doubt
13) Writing to Reach You - Travis
14) Hyperballad - Bjork
15) Sparks - Coldplay

Who's mad because they just wasted a minute of their life reading about my favorite songs on my ipod??? That would be you my friend. My apologies.

An Ode to Kevin Federline

Kevin Federline with your pants so low
Kevin Federline a face I wish I didn't know

Kevin Federline plays golf in a wife beater
Kevin Federline in high school did musical theater

Kevin Federline you are so controversial
Kevin Federline I saw you in that "Target" commercial

Kevin Federline the proud papa to two little brats
Kevin Federline dresses like Britney in his pink fedora hats

Kevin Federline "I Heart My Baby's Momma" too
Kevin Federline when I grow up I want to be just like you

Kevin Federline I don't care if your marriage was a fake
Kevin Federline you'll never be Justin Timberlake

Kevin Federline............

Sunday, December 19, 2004

Ricky Williams is Crazy...and that's why I like him

Ricky Williams was just interviewed on 60 Minutes on why he left the NFL this past year. He explained how he left his cushy spot on the Miami Dolphins and tons and tons of cash because he was lost and had to find himself. He went to live in some tent community in Australia which cost him $7 a day. He'd wake up at 5am and read an entire book a day. He said that the money couldn't buy him the sort of happiness that finding himself has. He now practices some strange form of yoga and eats healthy. And he smokes weed.......a lot of weed. Me thinks this is why he really had to quit the NFL. He sure is crazier than a loon - so for that Mr. Williams I tip my hat to you.

Now pass that joint.

Friday, December 17, 2004

A Letter to Uggs

Dear Uggs,

When I first spotted you last September of 03', you were on the feet of Sarah Jessica Parker. I thought you were a bit odd and sort of gay looking, but I took a chance on an "Us Weekly" recommendation for what was in - and I bought you. Actually I remember making my parents buy you for me for my birthday (two months away) but nevertheless I had you.

You kept me warm through the cold winter months, and by Spring looked cute when I tried to emulate Kate Hudson and wear you with a wife beater and denim mini.......okay quite possibly I really ended up looking like some piece of South Shore Long Island trash who worked at the cellphone kiosk in the Busy Bee Mall. But who's keeping count?

By summer, you were replaced with flip flops and strappy heels. By fall, you had dust bunnies covering you. About two months ago, I decided to take you out and wear you for the second year in a row. Alas, it was not meant to be. See my dear Uggs, you were referred by Star Magazine as "totally out!" I tried to replace you.

Silly me should have known that nothing can take the place of a pair of sheepskin lining overpriced celebrity hyped surfer boots....not even the much cooler Marc Jacobs moon matter how cute they are. (Cue music: Sinead O'Connors "Nothing Compares to You" )

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Random Observations and Rants - The Am Edition Volume "Sara Swears She is On Her way to the Gym"

I hate those stupid Mercedes Benz Christmas commercials. I mean who the hell gives someone a brand new car for Christmas???!!! And it's always some token yuppy couple (same who decorate their apartment from Crate and Barrel and vacation on cruises to the Bahamas).

Seriously. I would like to marry that poor guy who hands me over the keys to a brandy new shiny CL 500 Coupe, while I sadly hand him over some cd mixes I thought he'd like and a Coach keychain for his keys to his 99' Accord. Because that's balanced.

Yes I know. To the gym already Sara. Sorry. I'm going. (cut to Sara sadly standing with her head down and tail between her legs)

Random Observations and Rants - The Morning Edition Volume II

When Williard Scott dies, I'd like to take over his job. I mean how hard can wishing old bags a happy birthday and telling people how nice it is in Virginia be?? Except I wouldn't be in Virginia. I'd be in the Virgin Islands....eating all the Smuckers jam that my little heart* desires.

OKAY!! I'm going to the gym. Get off my case already!!!

* The actual size of Sara's heart has never been fully measured. Good friends and family might say that is a large one. Ex-boyfriends and people she despises would say a tiny one. Her doctor would probably tell you that it is a normal size but that her cholesterol is high.

Random Observations and Rants - The Morning Edition

It's 7:27 and I have been up for fifteeen minutes. I am fully dressed and ready to go head to the gym, but what's the first thing I do...?? Check email. Read friends' blogs. Listen to Matt Lauer and Katie's morning banter. I should really go to the gym. Yeah, it would be nice since I've be planning on going since um....let's see....oh yeah....LAST FUCKING FRIDAY. Nice procrastination Sara. Truly proud.

The saddest part - my gym is in my apartment building. Yup. This is what lazy looks like ladies and gentleman. Take a good look. She will most likely be here until her fat ass has to go to work.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

I Was Just Frontin'

Mini-Ipod - $270
Subway Ride home on the E train - $1.50
Pack of gum from a potential terrorist at the subway newstand - $2
The look on a trio of German students faces when they catch you standing on the platform singing and dancing to Eddie Murphy's "Party All the Time" ........priceless.

Monday, December 13, 2004

The Ghost of You and Me....

While getting ready for work this morning, I was listening to the radio stations on direct tv (somewhere in the 600's) and I believe it was pop ballads or something silly like that, and I heard this lame ass song by some British trio BBMak, "The Ghost of You and Me". And here's where this gets interesting - I stared bawling FOR NO REASON. I don't even like this song. It doesn't remind me of anyone or anything, and yet there I was in my towel sobbing like Sally Field in "Steel Magnolias". What a fucking psycho I am. Truly classy - all year round. Then to be a dick, the programming guy had to hit me in the crotch again by playing Tiffany's, "All This Time". At this point I was crying hysterically and then laughing at the same time. Then I laughed even harder when I saw that it was 9:15 and I should have been at my desk 15 minutes ago. Nice work Sara.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Intrigued I'm Sure

Last night I regretfully watched the Barbara Walter's, "Most intriguing People of 2004", and I may have thrown up in my mouth a little. I'm sorry but Paris Hilton is not pretty - nor is she smart or talented (unless we are talking in the sack), and she in NOT and never WILL BE intriguing. Intoxicating, yes...... but only if you are referring to her new fragrance that is the millenniums answer to Debbie Gibson's Electric Youth Perfume. ("Electric youth - the power you see the energy, coming on...coming on strong" - thanks DG) And someone please tell me who the hell Mel Gibson thinks he is.....perhaps Jesus? Get bent Mel. Seriously. Just stick to cop buddy action-adventure comedies with Danny Glover - who sure could use a career boost ever since Samuel Jackson marched into town. Oh and Usher. Sorry ladies, but I'm not buying what he's selling. He just doesn't do it for me. I guess it's because I remember him when he went thru his phase of wearing dead celebrities on his chest. Does anyone remember his fancy garbs at the 2001 MTV Music Awards?? I'm pretty sure he had an airbrushed tee of Aliyah that said "Rest in Peace Baby Girl". Now he dresses like a cross between Michael Jackson pre-"Dangerous" album, and the black Justin Timberlake. Get lost fancy pants. Don't you have to go get beaten by your girlfriend Naomi Cambell? What's that Usher P Raymond? Yeah, that's what I thought. Bitch.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Holiday Cheer, Eye Patches and Muse

Last night I went to the Bust magazine holiday party ( with my great pal and confidant, Miss Brandy Barber. We started with some Hello Kitty party cups full of margaritas at my new favorite dirty Mexican restaurant "The Hat", where I consumed majority of the tortilla chips and salsa while waiting for Bran. I also decided during those ten minutes of waiting, that it would be best for me to someday take up Spanish again - right after I backpack through Europe, record a Japanese pop album, and meet Prince William ( who I am convinced would leave his role as future King to live with me on Long Island....shut can happen). So we finally arrive at the soiree only to be reprimanded by the bartender for trying to use our raffle tickets to get free drinks (Nice work ladies), elbowed some Williamsburg trash (you know girls in "crazy tops" and slouchy boots) while trying to get a seat, grab our gift bags, and at one point attempted to dance. I was then accosted by a midget with an eye patch who demanded that the photographer take our picture. Then as he tried to put his nubby little hands around me, I leaned far back so as to not be in the photo. May have been too late b/c that little hobbit pirate, had two cameras working on us. GROSS. So we had a lovely time, and even managed to stalk one Todd Hanson (you will be Brandy's....mark my words) at the Onion sponsored event downstairs at Pianos. Alas, the night was just beginning. We decided to head up to Chelsea where our beloved home away from home, Muse Karaoke is located. Before we made the trek uptown, we stopped to buy a forty of Coors Light on East Houston because we are what one could refer to as "classy". Muse was nicely decorated for Xmas - that is if it's the year 2025 and you live aboard a spaceship. I have to keep reminding myself that the Japanese are light years ahead of us. We sneaked our 40 of Coors into the teeny tiny private room, and watched as the magic unfolded as we sung such hits as, "Lights Went Out in Georgia", "Goodbye to You", "She Will be Loved", "Memory", and our favorite holiday anthem "I'm Getting Nuthin' For Christmas". Around midnight the power went out on the karaoke machines and there was mass hysteria from the staff. I felt like I was in Hiroshima in the 40's. Insanity. We left unscathed, and even stole a few more Hershey kisses than we were being offered by the cashier. My how drunk we were. At one point, I was laughing so hard in the back of the cab that the driver had to ask me if I was okay because he thought I was crying. Oh silly Ahmed, that was last week. Sara's all smiles today.

Monday, December 06, 2004

Fatty Fat Face: Part Deux

Picture it: Lunchtime.

I go into the pseudo cafe they have for us here, which charges 25 cents for one Hershey's miniature (!) and decide to grab the cheapest thing in there that will make Sara feel better .... Cup O Noodles. I really do enjoy a good Cup O Noodle now and then. Especially when it only takes 30 seconds to fill it with hot water and stir! The fancy Cup O Noodle is like the slimmer, prettier sister who puts out compared to the crappy, less attractive Ramen noodles. For some reason I always picture old, dirty men in a metro station somewhere in Asakusa, Japan when I eat Ramen. But when I eat the Cup O Noods, well I feel like I'm back in Tokyo dancing at a fancy discotheque. They're that good.

Happily I was able to take my time to eat it (5 minutes...nice work Sara), and decided after another three, that I was full. All in all I'd say that it makes up for my early morning experience with the egg sandwich.

True or False, it would be wrong for me to grab the rest of my Cup O Noodles out of the trash can, even though it's perfectly placed on top of some paper and is therefore in my mind not considered "garbage" yet. .............Okay. Get that look of disgust off of your face. This is why I ask questions people.

Fatty Fat Face

Is it normal to finish breakfast in under 2 minutes? Perhaps for Takeru Kobayashi* it is. I just spent $8 on breakfast that I ate in a minute and a half. Sure it was just an eggwhite sandwich with cheese and tomato, but nevertheless, I finished the damn thing in under 2 minutes. Now I feel out of sorts. Dizzy. Achy. Fat. To top it all off, I wasn't even given a side of potatoes for the 8 bucks. Just an egg sandwich and a Ruby Red grapefruit juice. What gives Pax Whole Foods? Who charges $1.00 for sliced tomato and cheese? Well, they'll be happy to know that I can not even remember what it tasted like, but I hope they really enjoy my 8 dollars!!

Sorry to steal two minutes of your life that you'll never get back after reading this random rant. Blame it on Pax.

*Takeru Kobayashi has won the Nathans Hot Dog Eating Contest for the past four years. He is therefore, my hero.

This makes me laugh

Sometimes I laugh so hard, that I cry a little......

Friday, December 03, 2004

I Know You'll Miss Me. I Know You'll Miss Me Blind....

Holy shit! Has it really been over a week since I've last posted??!! Well I am so sorry for the total disregard for my pet blog. Had this been a child, family services would have snatched me away a few days ago! Well, unless I lived in Jersey City and my kids were found rummaging through the neighbor's garbage because I was starving them to death. Then and only then, would I be allowed to preach on with my bad self. ......Too soon for child starvation humor? What's the expiration date on that one?

So my friends, holiday time is fast approaching! If you live in NYC, then you can tell by the many tourists who fill our streets and make it unbearable to be a Manhattanite. Seriously, it's a Macy's window with the same shitty "Twas the Night Before Xmas" scenery as last year. Oh yeah and Santa, well he's a fat out of work "actor" who may or may not be banging the brunette who rang up the $29.95 you just paid to get a fucking picture taken with his hopeless fat ass! I have an idea, why don't you just go to the TGI Friday's across the street after his shift ends? I'm sure he'll happily let you sit on his lap - for less than that. Now, get the fuck out of my way and get bent in the process!

Hey, who invited Scrooge McDuck...?? Sorry to rant. I do love me some Christmas, honestly I do. But as a child who's birthday was 9 days before, I feel as though I am somewhat cheated. I can never really celebrate my birthday on the actual date, because it's always something. When I was younger, my mom started to move my birthday parties to different months since I'd wind up getting shitty gifts from people. "Christmas sale cheap bins", as my mom would say. So we'd celebrate it in February after all my friends parents' Amex bills were paid off...and that's when the Barbie Dream Houses would roll in. By college, the majority of my friends were involved in finals or didn't come back from school until two days before Christmas. Now as a Corporate Robot, it's a holiday party here and a holiday party there. Jesus people! "Do they know it's Sara's birthday at all??" (sung to the tune of the 1984 Sir Bob Geldof hit, "Do they Know it's Christmas Time")

This year, I'm taking a cue from my mom (circa 1989). On the actual date (December 16th to those of you who do not dare you by the way) I'm going to celebrate it with some friends (after my own bloody Holiday work party) and will throw myself a fabulous party sometime in February.

Okay, I am done feeling sorry for myself Done and done.

So, this week I had the pleasure of watching Miss Jessica Simpson perform two nights in a row! What a horrid sight she is. On Tuesday night I briefly watched some of the Tree Lighting in Rockefeller Center, only to witness her bizarre style of singing while Nick shot her devil eyes from across the stage. Please answer me this: Why Jessica, why oh god why, do you have to sing like that? It's horrible. I'm sure that your voice is nice enough - and by nice enough of course I mean enough to play the role of Dorothy in the all-white Northport High school production of "The Wiz" - but to sell millions of albums AND be able to perform live is nothing short of SHAMEFUL Tell your creepy minister daddy that he should have his ears checked out. At least Ashlee has a computer in the style of "Punk Rock" singing for her! May I suggest the following: STOP OVERSINGING AND OVERACTING. YOU ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY!!! A show of hands please for anyone who can actually sit through a Jessica Simpson performance without wanting to poke a #2 pencil into your eye.

Poor Nick. Speaking of which, on Wednesday night their "We are Still Together and Do Not Want a Divorce - Christmas Special" aired. Nothing says Christmas more than the bizarro Sonny and Cher of our generation. Let us just remember how their lives ended up:

Jessica : you will make a movie with Nick ("Call Me Elvis") Cage, wear assless chaps in a music video, and go on a farewell tour that lasts approximately 9 years.

Nick: you will become a member of Congress, publicly fight with your lesbian daughter, do a John Waters film opposite Debbie Harry, and wind up wrapped around a tree in Lake Tahoe.

Enjoy it while you can fuckers! Mwah Mwah (insert evil genius laugh here)

"Fa la la la la, Sara swears she isn't bitter"

Hooray for the holidays!