SARA IS LOCO

whatevers in my head won't go away.

I did so much shopping this weekend and bought the cutest stuff:

1) three cute tops to wear on "nights about town" sorts of nights
2) cutest pair of beaded loafers
3) three pairs of fun earings
4) two neclaces and a gold clutch at the estate sale of some wealthy old woman who was neighbors and friends with my great-grandmother and probably died judging from the amount of stuff her fmaily was selling. (BTW - nice taste in jewelry madam)
5) a gold shrug to wear out with the afermentioned cute "night about town" tops.
6) an array of toiletries from Target (shampoo, moisterizer, conditioner, anti-frizz balm, etc)
7) 8 bottles of assorted wines for me and Annie's wine stash.

And I also ate extremely well thanks to mom and dad, and drank pretty well thanks to Cory and Erica.

Now I'm listening to Travis on my Ipod as I check email and try to balance my checkbook (double oh shit - see list above)

Posted by saraisloco at 10:41 PM | Permalink | Comments

I just thought of this. No matter how hard I tried to ration my food, my wagon o'westerners always died from cholera. Jerks.
I'm home at my parents right now to spend the day with my mom because it's her birthday. We went shopping, I bought some cute clothes and we went to Target where I stocked myself silly on toiletries and such. Soon we will eat dinner, then I will go to Cory & Erica's house (yes friends my age own a home and are married - insane right?) to drink like I'm back in 12th grade with my friends from high school. Fun fun FUN. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go watch Laguna Beach for the 5th time this week (can't help it, I'm obsessed, and just found out from Gawker that it may all be a hoax - say it ain't so Steven!!)

PS Jason - the bad boy - I want you to want me.

Posted by saraisloco at 8:08 PM | Permalink | Comments

I think I want a pet sloth. You know like someday when I'm older and have a home and trees and such. If I had a pet sloth I would name him Milton, after the name of the little precious ugly monster I am holding in this picture. They are so cute in that really horrid looking way. (maybe like me when I first wake up?) Any who, I've decided I should have one at some point in my life.

Posted by saraisloco at 2:13 PM | Permalink | Comments

You said it Toto. Sometimes I just want to round up all of my girlfriends and handpick a boy for each of them. (well the single ones) Nothing makes me happier than seeing my friends in love. Especially the ones who really deserve it because they're sane and have been through the runner with jerk-offs in the past. I just want to wrap my midget-like arms around each of them and give them a huge hug. Then I want to go do some coke off of a stripper's ass.....a male stripper.

Yay friendship!

Posted by saraisloco at 12:00 PM | Permalink | Comments

Seriously, what is one?

Posted by saraisloco at 11:46 AM | Permalink | Comments

Before I forget, I must remind:

1) get new sevens to the tailor(which were purchased recently on sale at Intermix - a thank you) They are of course - too long.

2) order more headshots b/c as mentioned previously, you are a woman on a mission.

3) balance checkbook (see #1 & #2)

4) start shopping at Whole Foods more (stay away from the organic peanut butter though! Not worth it. Eat the god damn Skippy and you'll thank me)

5) buy some sort of planner that you will actually use - not just write friends and family members birthdays in, and then put it in a drawer and not see it again for three months (three very unorganized months!) There is a place on Bleeker where you always stop in and look at their planners while the queen behind the counter gives you nasty looks - JUST BUY THE GODDAMN THING ALREADY. Then of course balance your checkbook)

6) I know that you haven't excercised since December because you were sick and all but enough is enough girlfriend (yes I do sometimes yell "girlfriend" at myself because I'm ridiculous) start doing squats, lunges, ANYTHING. You'll have more energy and thank me in the evening.

7) Buy Mom a birthday card.

8) Balance checkbook.

9) See more shows. Yes summer is probably the most difficult time to try to see friends, and it hasn't helped that July was the month of travel (and raise your hand if you're tired of hearing/reading that) but you mi lady make plans with a dozen people then overbook yourself. This is really where a nice new planner would come in handy. This planner will be your fucking bible. No more calendars in a notebook that you made with a bic pen, some highlighters, and a ruler. Get with it already!

10) Have a lovely day you lovely little thing!

Posted by saraisloco at 8:36 AM | Permalink | Comments

Cause I'm a woman on a mission. A woman with a life plan. A 26 year-old young lady who has made herself sound old, by calling herself a woman. I will no longer tolerate laziness, uncertainty, or bullshit. (and that's just from myself!) I thought one month traveling would be good - it was great b/c it reminded me of what I truly want in many different ways. I've discovered a little bit about myself - and about other people. It's a really nice feeling when you begin to accept who and what you are and not who or what you think you were or should have been. Yes. Really nice.

(side note - it's 8:15am as I type this - NOT 5:15 in the morning. Clock still won't change on my flickr page, no matter how many times I curse it and try to change it)

Posted by saraisloco at 8:21 AM | Permalink | Comments

is playing on my radio right now. And boy, am I excited. Thrilled really.

So we just had some champagne to celebrate my boss's upcoming nuptials and I was selected to give a brief (and painful) toast. I know I'm probably the only one here who has ever dreamed about being on stage (or been on one for that matter - multiple times), but I give the world's worst speeches. I'm not fucking kidding. I began in an almost demonic like tone and said, "We wanted to wish you the bestest wishes of wish" WHAT??! DOES??!! THAT??!! EVEN??!! MEAN??!!

But seriously folks, hire me for any upcoming shindigs where a toast maker is needed: wedding, bat mitzvahs, brisques - I do it all! Just ask my delightful family who made the mistake of asking me to give one at my parents 30th wedding anniversary party. It began with me mentioning how funny it was that they were still married - mainly because they don't even share a bedroom anymore. It ended with me guzzling a jug of wine and vomiting in the bathroom. SWIFT ONE SARA! I don't get nervous. I just get uncomfortable. I don't want to get too sappy, be too brief, or too silly. So instead I put words in a sentence that don't mean a god-damn thing: Like "bike in the Christmas stew at Aunt Linda's back porch shower" Yes. I'm telling you, I am that fucking good!

Posted by saraisloco at 6:20 PM | Permalink | Comments

Should I be sad that I never went to sleep away camp? That I never snuck across the lake to the boys quarters while I was 12 with a mouth full of metal and face full of fat and acne? That I never learned archery or even swam in a damn lake for that matter?

Is it too late for me to go back now? Perhaps. I had the chance back then. I'm sure my parents would have loved to get rid of me for a few weeks (well not my mom but definitely my dad - poor man had three daughters running around, fighting, causing all hell). It's just that I saw waaaay too many movies about camp kids getting murdered in their sleep, to really give a big fuck about going to sleep away camp. Besides, why would I want to go sleep in some stank ass , sweltering cabin when I could just sit comfortably on my fat ass in my parents air-conditioned home and watch "Salute Your Shorts" on Nickelodeon? That was enough camp for me. Believe you me.

But still, I can't help but wonder if my life would have been any different had I attended a sleep away camp. It's really one of those life long mysteries that I have spent maybe a total of ten minutes collectively thinking about in my life. Well thus far.

But once again, it's too late for a 26 year-old to go to sleep away camp...as a camper not a counselor...right? Yeah. That's what I thought.

Posted by saraisloco at 10:59 AM | Permalink | Comments

My dad used to threaten us that he was going to throw us a wedding in the style of the one Jennifer Jason Leigh had in "Easy Money" (classic Rodney Dangerfield film - he played, what else - the dad). I was just thinking that if he did, it would be great. I'd almost LOVE to have one modeled after that film. At least it would have personality. I feel like weddings these days are all about the dress, the Jimmy Choo shoes, the florist that costs you well over the price of a pre-owned BMW, and the annoying guest list.

I'm no where near getting married, but if I was then I'd want to do something campy and fun and best of all - Sara-esque. That's right peeps, you're singing karaoke with my band after dinner, and we'll proceed to drop it like it's hot while me and my hubs bust some break dancing free-style moves.

I'm also planning on walking down the aisle to "Shook Me All Night Long" - much to my mother's chagrin.

Posted by saraisloco at 5:38 PM | Permalink | Comments

I wasn't joking yesterday when I wrote that I was going to watch every episode this season of "Laguna Beach" and then recap for y'all. I swear, I wasn't joking. So here my friends...the recap!

It's Christmastime in the real OC yo, and all the kids who graduated last year are coming home! Everyone is making such a fuss and I only have to wonder...don't they celebrate Thanksgiving in the real OC? And if so, why didn't any of them come home for that? Anywho, Steven receives a strange message from Kristin saying that she wanted to tell him first that she was dating this kid Matt. In her brattiest valley-girl voice she says, "Hey it's me and I wanted you to hear this before someone else tells you, but I've been dating this kid Matt for a while now". As you can tell, she's a peach. LC ("Lauren") Kristin's arch-nemesis who consistently makes a play for Steven's heart (and his crotch) is moving back home! San Fran proved to be too much for this little princess to take. Boo freaking hoo. I did like her jeans and couldn't help but notice that they were Sevens and the same pair I tried on at Intermix last week (they were on sale, doubt she bought them on sale). So it's really the same ol' same ol'. Lo has a party, everyone shows up, and they all pretty much look the same. Trent is still dope with his crazy style and skateboard (NOT); Steven's still scrawny; Lo is still a reject from the Teen People magazine back to school photo spread on "What's Hot"; the chubby one is still chubby but looks cute with her new bangs; the Jesus Loving girl who wants to be an actress (good luck honey, maybe only on the Pax network for you) didn't show - or maybe I was too busy guzzling from my glass of wine to notice and/or care; and LC is still crazy as ever stalking Steven and throwing weird glances whenever he appears. Did she watch last season at ALL? Doesn't she notice how the producers make her look so sappy and crappy all the time. She's a cute girl who should be focusing on anything and anyone other than Steven who still gives Kristen (the slutty one, now a high school senior) jealous ex-boyfriend looks. It's really too much for me to handle. Then Dan called while I was in the middle of watching it and I missed maybe fifteen minutes because he and I decided to launch into a medley of barbershop quartet songs and then talk about what sort of costumes we'd wear if we were in one. Yes, we are gay gay GAY! There are some new faces. The nerdy but still cute,popular girl who is in love with the town male whore - who is cheating on her by the way. The skanky bottled blonde ho who drives a Mercedes convertible and has one of those high pitched annoying and slutty girl voices (she will be posing for Playboy in three years give her time) that just want to make you ring her fucking neck. Did I mention the guy who's cheating on the girl? His names like Tad or Brad or Josh…I forget. He's dreamy in that roofie-dropped-in your drink sort of way.

Oh and the grand finale was a limo full of 18 year-old girls screaching the lyrics to Kelly Clarkson's "Since You've Been Gone" while Steven and LC frolicked in her parents Jacuzzi. Oh the drama! Sign me up for the season this bitch is hooked!!

Posted by saraisloco at 2:19 PM | Permalink | Comments

And it must have been good, but I lost it somehow. This photo and header have nothing to do with one another. I'm just tired and felt like posting this on my blog. Okay with you people? Thanks. I could use a cup of vanilla tea. Mmm, thanks. It's really good. You're a dream.

So I have this friend who shall remain nameless (until he or she chooses to out themselves) and this friend has a history of living up to the Chris Isaac song, "Baby Did a Bad Thing". This friend once stalked an ex by hiding in the bushes in front the of the apartment building; looked thru an exes email and found emails from some other catch of the day; and most recently set up an account on Verizon to catch another lying bastard, and prove that this little shit had in fact been calling some tramp - like 64 times in one weekend.

Mousey wherever this finds you, I hope you are well. And you're my hero. Mainly b/c you do all the outrageous stuff I'd never dream do (but maybe at times secretly have wanted to)

Posted by saraisloco at 4:31 PM | Permalink | Comments

Ang took this shot while we were hanging out Saturday night. I couldn't help but post it. I think it's nifty, and not because I believe in it, but because I felt like putting it up. Guys, incase you've ever wondered, there really isn't a method to my maddness.

Posted by saraisloco at 4:19 PM | Permalink | Comments

This a quote that I will not stop making Fataah say, from a Golden Girl's episode where Blanche and Sophia date the same man. I am now making him quote line after line from years ranging from 1985 - 1992. Surely he will make me pay for this. But he's my amusement and for that, I adore him.

On the topic of TV but not in the same realm of comedy by any means, Laguna Beach begins it's second season tonight on MTV. I am addicted to these little surfers and tramps who still wear uggs with mini skirts and fight over Steven. I know I dated a kid who probably weighed less than me in high school, but Steven isn't that great ladies! He's scrawny and sort of faggyish. I say this then cut to me meeting him randomly at a Java Juice in LA and wanting to pounce on him like a wild animal. But for now, with the distance between us, I can safely say - GA ROSS!

I have also decided that I am going to recap each episode on Tuesdays, which means that I have got to watch every episode on Monday nights. After 13 episodes I will have a new vocabulary with terms like "whatever bitch!" and "I hate LC" and will also begin dressing like a 16 year-old from Laguna Beach. Scimpy little Forever 21 tops and Abercrombie minis....well actually....maybe the only change to me will be my appreciation for all things Steven. Whatever bitch, I totally hate LC and cannot wait for the drama and fun to begin! Start that shit up bitches!

Posted by saraisloco at 1:12 PM | Permalink | Comments

I am inhaling a piece of cheesecake that I can't seem to scarf down fast enough, after I managed to eat majority of my Carnie Wilson sized pasta at dinner. OH and I'm home at my parent’s new house. Which is just lovely by the way. I thought I'd be sad, them moving out of the only house I pretty much have ever known but in reality, I'm so much happier that they are in something nice and new. Not that our old house wasn't nice or new, but after living somewhere for close to 20+ years, there are only so many renovations you can do before you grow bored with it. Oh and did I mention that they moved right around the corner and I can still see my old bedroom window from their backyard? I feel this nice sense of freedom and release. They are happy. I am happy. All my memories of that house are memories. But no longing or angst. Just good times ahead for all.

Seriously, I don't know what the fuck any of that means. You know what I just typed? I can't put my brain around anything properly today. This could be b/c I had only maybe 5 hours of sleep before heading out to LI on the always zippy and friendly LIRR. Went to see Teenage Fanclub last night with Miss Brandy. It was her birthday. Did you wish her one yet fools? Then we went to meet up with Ang, Dan, and Kelly at a dance-competition styled party. We were later than we thought and by that time the party was ending. So we headed over to Ludlow to the Darkroom. Ever been? Don't bother. Really. It's like an oversized dorm room filled with grade A a-holes who all think you've shown up in your adorable Charlotte Ronson sundress for their pleasure. One kid who Kelly swore was Jack White (good try Taylor but not even on a great day) pushed some sort of cocktail in my face which I ever so politely declined then shouted, "Beat it Van der Sloot, I don't want your ecstasy date-rape cocktail". But the classiness didn't stop there. After dancing like we owned the joint, we all staggered over to San Loco where we wasted no time in stuffing our bellies full of delicious treats such as tacos, salads, nachos, and if you're Angela - then all three.
And yet she never seems to gain an ounce. Must be all that dancing she does in her Marc Jacobs heels. Scamp!

Posted by saraisloco at 11:25 PM | Permalink | Comments

Crappy morning. Worse night.

Posted by saraisloco at 2:30 PM | Permalink | Comments

I know this is pretty old news but I have spent only 6 days in the US since June 30th, so let me have my moment!

If June was the month of "Calendarize" then July has been the month of "travel". Peru for 10 days, Puerto Rico for 4, St Thomas for 3. Will it ever stop? Yo I don't know. But if you turn off the lights, I might glow.

Yeah so I've been busy and therefore have been neglecting my pretty pet. Sorry. I'll be better. I promise.

Some things to note:
1) I just lied to a man on Canal Street and told him I only had $3 for the aviators I wanted. He said no. I took my money back and said fine. He caved.

2) Johnny Knoxville has been quoted in a second magazine saying that Jessica Simpson looks "insane" on film. And I don't think he means in a "nutty" way. I'm pretty sure he will jack off to her once he recieves his copy of the flick.

3) Must Johnny Depp and Tim Burton work together on EVERYTHING? Must Tim Burton put Helena Bottom Carter (sp?) in EVERYTHING? Remember when he used to do this with his ex Lisa Marie?

4) Stanton Social was cool but I'm so OVER the wall street chodes who are now crawling all over the LES. Listen, I've been heading down there since 1997. Before American Apparel, before heavy metal karaoke at Arlene's, before the $500 boutiques. Does this make me special or something? Yes. Yes it does.

Posted by saraisloco at 6:22 PM | Permalink | Comments

our at the very least - outside. I think air conditioning was the greatest invention ever made. Without it, I'd be a ball of sweat...and frizz. It only took three minutes aboard the A train before I noticed my first sweat pit mark of the day. (easy fellas I'm spoken for by a baby llama).

Change of topic - sorry my ADD is acting in overdrive today. I have a question - when is Fiona Apple going to come out with a new cd that doesn't make me want to slit my wrists or murder a member of the opposite sex? Come on Fi. I need some "Shadowboxer", some "Criminal", some "Fast as You Can". Where art thou? And whens are thust coming backest? (settle literary types - I never studied Shakespeare...jealous?)

Posted by saraisloco at 1:35 PM | Permalink | Comments

Just ordered my supply of Proactive and no I am not ashamed by it. Shit, if it's good enough for P Diddy it's good enough for Jessica Simpson. Oh and me.

And it works. Just ask Anne and Brandy who politely smiled and sat uncomfortably through my demonstration backstage at the Pit during a dress rehearsal. I felt like Vanessa Williams.

Posted by saraisloco at 5:30 PM | Permalink | Comments

The year was 1998. It was the summer. I had just chopped off my long blonde locks for something that resembled a cross between hermie the elf from "Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer", and the Dutch Painter boy. On a great day, I could sometimes look like Meg Ryan....if she wasn't famous and drove a Volvo. No one saw it coming. No one stopped me. No one gave me a hat. For close to two years I kept it short. I looked like shit. I felt like shit. My hair was shit. Not always the greatest cut to get when you have naturally wavy hair. Yeah. Not at all.

Brit Brit, puh-leaze - save yourself the heartache of Federtrash banging strippers because his wifey resembles the PTA President at Pulaski Road School.

Don't hate - extensionate. Go drop a grand on extensions or at the very least a weave. Kevin will still want to sleep with you. Kids won't throw sticks and rocks when you walk by. Babies will stop crying.

I speak of course from experience, and let me say on record - I will NEVER cut my hair short again. The boys will thank me. The babies will thank me. My friends and family will thank me.

A thank you.

Posted by saraisloco at 1:07 PM | Permalink | Comments

Why is Robert Altman's hand on Lindsay's itty bitty coke sniffing thigh? I mean it's like the time when Woody Allen...uh - oh wow, sorry I'll have to finish this later...it appears that Rod Stewart's classic jam "Maggie May" is playing on the radio at my desk. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to dance.

Posted by saraisloco at 7:13 PM | Permalink | Comments

I'm reminded of a time when I was younger when I'd hide barbies behind uglier barbies in Toys R Us, so that when I came back in the store my barbie would be there for me and me only. Usually I'd forget about the Barbie or decide on a cooler, prettier one, and there she would sit, that ugly Barbie still on the shelf. Or I'd grab the ugly Barbie for the same reason - because what if someone else took it before me?? My mom used to tell me that it was because I didn't want other kids to have the one I wanted. But sometimes the very thing that I want, isn't within reach and I settle for the shitty Barbie rather than the more attractive one.

This is really a note to self. Thanks.

Posted by saraisloco at 6:00 PM | Permalink | Comments

I've never been much of a dancer. That was always my sister Aimee's forte. I begged my mom to let me take dance lessons when I was in 5th grade mostly because I had crushes on boys and wanted to show off my raisins in a leotard and shake my tush a little for them. Hey fellas, I still do. There was one particular sad number that me and my friend Katie Boccard did to "Hey Baby" from the "Dirty Dancing" soundtrack. Well there we were in ill-fitting unitards, fishnets, and baby tap shoes (hint - not with the heel suckers), and the kid I loved was there watching his sister perform in something, so I just had to show off for him. Oh I showed all alright. Almost spun myself off the goddamn stage trying to get his attention, then cried myself to sleep later that night. I still thought I was hot shit and now wish I had the picture and video to prove it. But well you know, I thought I was....but I wasn't.

BUT, this lack on confidence in my ability to DANCE MUST STOP! Kelly, Angela, and I are competing in Kelly's friend Cecily's dance competition/dance-off party at the end of the month. There will be no tears, no ill-fitting costumes, no Brian Paupeck to impress - just three thirsty dancers ready to take home that god damn prize of a free shot, and yes my friends we will in fact be performing to "Dancing in Heaven" the final song played in one of my favorite dance movies of all time - "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun". Kelly has even suggested that we get blocks set up and do flips off of them. We'll see how this translates in the basement of some LES haunt. Now if only I could see what Lee Montgomery is up to. According to IMDB, he hasn't done a film since 88' Think he's still sexy as ever?

Posted by saraisloco at 10:56 AM | Permalink | Comments

This sums me up right about now. I have lost all control and focus in packing my clothes for my six day long business trip to Puerto Rico and the Caribbean. Business trip sounds so serious. I like the term "work trip". In fact I'm really looking forward to it. But back to my lack of motivation in getting things done. Annie was kind enough to help me sift through my wapredrobe of approriate color coordinated outfits; loaned me some of her cute stuff; and promised me that I don't have a parasite living inside of me. Regardless, I'm still seeing my doctor tomorrow. Shit it's already 10:22pm and I still have clothes thrown all over the living room.

Allocco, you're a deadbeat.

Posted by saraisloco at 10:24 PM | Permalink | Comments

Arthur is probably one of my favorite films of all time. I even made Kelly and Shannon watch Arthur 2 while we were in Naples. It wasn't just on. I didn't just happen to see a drunk man in a Bentley and a top hat cruising by on 1st avenue. But I did start humming that sweet little Christopher Cross medley in my head. You know, "the daddy mack will make you jump jump. Chris Cross will make you jump jump uh huh uh huh" That's a great song Mr Cross.

Posted by saraisloco at 9:42 PM | Permalink | Comments

Yeah so what? They're made of turnip and apricots especially for you sailor. The poor man behind the counter didn't even bother to yell at us - he was enjoying this display of insanity perhaps a bit too much. Angela offered me twenty bucks to touch my peen. Then she got her gum all over the twenty. There's really only two words to describe this scene at 4:30am on 1st avenue and 2nd street - high class. Oh and Nut Sack. And chewing gum.

Posted by saraisloco at 10:31 AM | Permalink | Comments

My parents have always tried to instill a sense of decency and class in their daughter. Sorry Val and John, but judging by this snapshot - you may or may not have failed.

Posted by saraisloco at 10:28 AM | Permalink | Comments

This is a photo Bran took of me right before our final show. I completely forgot about it until I saw it on her flickr page.

Now I ask: is it so wrong that at my wedding I want my husband and I to dance to Joe Jackson's "Stepping Out" as our first song? It would be like the episode of "Who's the Boss" where Angela has a fantasy dream (complete with fog machine effects) of her in a grand Ginger Rodgers-esque navy blue dress, and Tony in top hat and tails.

My husband is not required to wear the top hat, but fuck it - I just might.

Posted by saraisloco at 11:12 PM | Permalink | Comments

Home home home!! Peru was AMAZING. Tons of pictures to be uploaded tomorrow and posted for sure y'all. But in the meantime, what better way to celebrate a fantastic trip than to head out late night with your ladies for a night of drunken debauchery on the LES. So that's what I did, after taking a six hour nap. Let's just say that the way I totally knew I was back home in town was by crawling on the hood of some wall street chodes 2005 7 series BMW on the corner of Rivington and Essex at 4:30am, and screaming "Here I go Again" whilst demonstrating my best Tawny Kitan impression and making Annie (in a prom dress no less) do the same - to the delight of Brandy, Angela, some NYU school boys, and our new friends Edgar and Sean. This of course was right after we smoked a joint with some dude on a bike who we affectionately named Lance Armstrong. Who, I just found out I turned to and said, "I'm really sorry about you and Sheryl Crow". Why guys? Cause I'm classy and was wearing denim cutoffs.

Posted by saraisloco at 4:32 PM | Permalink | Comments