Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Beat it Troll
Don't you have to drive drunk or something?Oh Aaron Carter, what were you doing at the VMA's? I know you once put out an awful album about throwing a house party while your mom went grocery shopping (or to bail out Nick - I forget) AND that Hohan and Gruff once fought over you, but why were you there? My.... Lindsay and Hilary....that was then, wasn't it you 4 inch waste of space? What do you do that's more interesting than I that would deem it necessary to have you attend the VMA's and not me??? Really. I saw photos of you smoking weed and making out with 15 year-olds in Star Magazine - you ain't that hot.
Now somebody please tell me why this kid has a career and makes more money than I do. Please.
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
How Sara Got Her Groove Back
Yes you can smile because you're good-looking sire.On my way back from an appointment, I am on the phone with Brandy when lo and behold I see a vision of love before me: Taye Diggs. In red t-shirt, baseball cap, looking so hot. Sitting there having lunch with some dude. I tried to smile a pretty one, but think I might have ended up flashing my stalker smile (all teeth - no lips)
"Don't Wanna Be a Playa No More" - Laguna Beach Recap
Old Cast - Same Drama BullshitI've decided to take this time to pen a little note to Mr. Douchebag. Here goes nothing:
My dearest Jason,
Do you really think it's cool to go around treating Jessica like crap, whilst refraining from necking with Cedric? I mean honestly, you and I have been friends now for, oh I don't know - 4 episodes or so and it's really upsetting me to see you be portrayed in such unflattering light. You're good looking, but use too much hair gel; you're honest, but still a player; and you actually are attracted to Alex - WHAT?! I don't think you and Jessica made a good couple anyway and was usually just waiting for it to turn into that Lifetime movie with Fred Savage and Candace Cameron where he beats her because he "loves" her. Yeah, you're ten seconds from being Freddy. Don't be Freddy. Couldn't you just bring a smile instead of a scowl when you went over to Jessie girl's house? Did you and Cedric have a little lovers quarrel? Does Cedric talk to you about anything other than girls? I think he has a secret crush on you.
Okay, okay fine - I know I'm getting off the topic. Just don't see the harm in a little male bonding - well actually that sort of male rough housing never really turns me on. What would is if you'd stop making a wave of bangs with the overabundance of gel in your hair, and smile more. You don't have to marry Jessica, shit you don't even have to be friends with her. She's whinny and has a weird dimple that I can't seem to ignore. All I ask is that you not date LC - that's right brother I heard it from a friend who, heard it from a friend who, read it on Gawker.
Love and kisses,
Sara Jo
Okay - now that I got that out of the way I have to send a quick message to Mr. Coletti.
Dear Steven,
Nice try working both Kristin and LC. Any cute girls up in San Fran or do they treat you like the little worm that you are?? Okay I admit it, I may or may not have admitted out loud in front of my roommate that you looked hot and that if given the chance I would do you and your 19 year-old body. However, it's pretty obvious to me that like Jason - you are a player....but a nicer one. You take Kristen out for lobster; next day drop off Godiva's and flowers to LC. I like your game son. So in that case - play on playa, play on.
Love,
the older woman who wants to do you.
Monday, August 29, 2005
A Tiny Picture Speaks a Thousand Words....
Stop it, you're not Gwen Steffani!!!!For those of you who witnessed the debacle that took place last night at the MTV Video Music Awards, allow me to express my emotions in one phrase, "Dear Lord".
Dear Lord that P Diddy (or Diddy or whatever the hell he wants to call himself these days) was chosen to be host. After his first three seconds I was praying for Chris Rock, Dave Chapelle, even the damn Wayans Brothers!
Dear Lord that R. Kelly is allowed to perform his one man staged show about being stuck in a closet in front of minors (seriously I thought he had to remain at least 100 feet from anyone under the age of 18) Side note - I hate it when people decide to use props during their stage time. Keep it simple jerkoffs - a mike stand and some dancers work wonders.
Dear Lord that Diddy had to "orchestrate" a Biggie Small's song much to the chagrin of the real orchestra up on stage. What do you think the chances are that while he was waving his arms like a madman, the violinist was secretly flipping him off? I'd hope pretty high.
Dear Lord that Biggie is dead because seriously without his murder - where would Diddy be?
Dear Lord that Eva Langoria decided to show her camel toe to all of America.
" I see your true camel toe shining thru...."
Dear Lord that Chris Martin doesn't want to make out with me.
Dear Lord, that Jessica Simpson is the new Anna Nicole (excellent observation Katherine!) and that Ashlee (the uglier one) actually looked better. Honestly Jessica, was that outfit a leftover costume from Halloween 04' (the slutty french maid) or did Knoxville and Nick tag-team you in the dressing room?
Dear Lord that 50 Cent wears more feminine wife beaters than I do. I mean nice guns and all, but would it hurt to put on a button down? Seriously.
Dear Lord that Mariah could only be shot from one angle (I'm on to you oh crazy one), and that I was highly concerned about the whereabouts of her dancers-turned-deep sea divers after they fell into the pool.
Dear Lord that when My Chemical Romance performed I shrieked like myself at my first New Kids on the Block concert back in 1990...in Dan's ear.
Dear Lord that I'm dying to know if Johnny Knoxville really is good in bed.
Dear Lord that I wasn't invited.
Saturday, August 27, 2005
"You Say Shit to Me??!!"
Me and my sisters pre-evil times When I was like 9, my family got a French exchange student, Isabelle. She was around my older sister Melissa's age (so say 16) and yet I got stuck hanging out with "the mean frog". She was the epitome of what you'd think a French sixteen year-old would be: rude, lazy, bitchy, slutty, bitchy. We all hated her. And to make matters worse, one night she came home from probably porking some French dude behind the Toys R Us (this we know because Melissa would read her diary), and at the time upon her arrival we were actually waiting for Melissa's best friend Jenny to come in from Florida where she had recently moved. Aimee opened the door as we all rallied behind her screaming "Yay Jenny's here!!!", when I heard the following, "Aw shit, it's only Isabelle." (insert door closing) Then to our surprise Isabelle must have heard because we began to hear, "WHAT?? You say shit to meeee??!!" in a rich French accent. We were shocked and appalled...not at Aimee slamming the door and cursing out our French exchange student - but that Isabelle was able to remove her tongue from her boyfriend's mouth long enough to hear.
Now that's what I call a sticky situation.
Friday, August 26, 2005
Thank Heaven, for Insane Girls....
Yup totally not me.I always hated that song, "Thank Heaven for Little Girls". It seems like something a child molester would sing before loading his white van with kittens and a gumball machine. Ga ross.
~
I saw "The 40 year-old Virgin" last night and it made me laugh so hard. I'm so glad to see that Paul Rudd can be known for other roles in fab films like "Wet Hot American Summer" and "Anchorman" rather than "Clueless" and "Object of My Affection".
I saw "The 40 year-old Virgin" last night and it made me laugh so hard. I'm so glad to see that Paul Rudd can be known for other roles in fab films like "Wet Hot American Summer" and "Anchorman" rather than "Clueless" and "Object of My Affection".
~
I read a Star (or In Touch or US..I forget and frankly, they are all the same) and it had pictures of Brad and Angelina and her two misfit children at some museum in Canada. It also made me very sad for Jennifer Aniston. Brad is now sporting darker hair - maybe her little quip about Billy Idol wanting his hair back really got to him. Come to think of it, I think that he's a cyborg that was grown in some cornfield in the midwest and programmed to come to Hollywood to terrorize nice young actresses. Angelina is some evil sort of witch who practices voodoo and makes out with her brother (who by the way I thought I saw on the subway the other day but it was hard to tell b/c the only time I've ever really seen him is on tv with his arms and legs wrapped around his sister)
I read a Star (or In Touch or US..I forget and frankly, they are all the same) and it had pictures of Brad and Angelina and her two misfit children at some museum in Canada. It also made me very sad for Jennifer Aniston. Brad is now sporting darker hair - maybe her little quip about Billy Idol wanting his hair back really got to him. Come to think of it, I think that he's a cyborg that was grown in some cornfield in the midwest and programmed to come to Hollywood to terrorize nice young actresses. Angelina is some evil sort of witch who practices voodoo and makes out with her brother (who by the way I thought I saw on the subway the other day but it was hard to tell b/c the only time I've ever really seen him is on tv with his arms and legs wrapped around his sister)
~
I really love my new cell phone.
~
And thus concludes this week's version of....Sara's Most Random Thoughts and Observations.
And thus concludes this week's version of....Sara's Most Random Thoughts and Observations.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
If You Can't Take the Heat, Stop Watching this Show
I think I broke a nail....!!On top of my weekly Laguna recaps, I've also decided to try to recap my other Monday night favorite, "The Ultimate Fighter". I know most people cringe at the idea of two men going at it in an octogon cage and beating the shit out of one another....well me too! I watch it for the articles.
Last night we met the new contestants. To be honest, I got caught in the middle of a phone call so I missed a great deal, but I did manage to catch the last half hour which left me dissapointed. I wanted to see a fight but two big pussies bowed out before that could happen. My favorite part was watching the one guy collapse in the sauna and push his way out then cry like me when they wanted him to lose two more pounds.
Speech of the night went to the owner who cursed those girls out like the little women that they are. Who the hell am I kidding, I'd see one of them in an alley and run the other way. But from the safety of my couch...I can secretly flip them off.
WWSD? (What Would Steven Do?) - My Weekly Laguna Beach Recap
Seriously, what would he do?Holy shit. The drama meter on last night's show was a 9 - ALL THE WAY. The only thing that would have brought it up to a 10 would have been any of the following:
1) a cat-fight that involved hair extensions and acrylics flying around
2) Jason throwing up on Jessica
3) Jason punching Jessica
4) Jessica punching Jason in the nutsack
Let me begin by saying that I had a lovely night prior to racing home from A60 to watch my Laguna pals. I was at the Monday night party on the roof of the Thompson Hotel (hosted by my dear pal Fataah) with a gaggle of lady friends. Then when my watch struck 9:45, I threw back the rest of my cocktail and hightailed out of there. I had not one, but two gay men tell me that I "really to need to get with it and get TIVO", to which my reply was - "Shut it". I know I should get it, but maybe in some gay sort of way I like to go home and watch it at 10pm with the rest of the East Coast (namely a bunch of teens - oh right and my new pal Ricky - shout out ) So Annie and I race back to our apartment, order Chinese (because we're classy), and I throw myself in our newly decorated living room while she finishes hanging a chandelier in the dining area. Oh yes, it totally rules having an interior designer roommate.
And so it begins. It's the Winter Formal which seems to be a bigger deal than prom. And may I ask, why the fuck do these kids go to such great lengths to ask one another to a glorified canteen???? Seriously. So sweet shitty little Taylor and manly Alex lead Talan and Jason on a wild goose chase all around Laguna. Other than the fact that the two look like a bunch of ree-rees shoving themselves into refrigerator boxes on the beach - I had to stop and think, "wouldn't a text message or a phone call have been easier?". The boys agree with the biggest shocker being that bad-boy/douchebag Jason ISN'T GOING WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND!!! When would that ever really happen? Is Jessica that pathetic that she can't even put "Jason, Dance?" with some silly string and puffy paint on construction paper and stick it on the hood of his fucking car??!! Beastly beat you Jessie because you were too busy being a pussy.
Moving on. Kristin is going with some kid I have never seen before, and the rest of the kids suck so I didn't really care who they went with because I was too busy praying for a catfight to ensue in the nail salon. Alex and Taylor show up and Alex announces in front of Jessica, "I'm so excited to go with Jason - we'll have like, you know fun".
Listen, I'm a lover - not a fighter but so help me god if the boy who was supposedly my "boyfriend" agreed to go with the girl he's maybe/maybe not hooking up with - or really any girl for that matter other than me, shit would hit the fan so fast it would shake that Gwen Steffani song right out of fatty Alex (side note - it's the song where Gwen sings about bananas)
At the dance Jason is being a total chode to Jessica who really is just asking for it at this point. He's doing 05's version of the nineties forbidden dance (the lambada) with Alex while that stupid retarded a-hole pageant ho is dancing around like Corky. It was at that moment that I felt bad for her and thought maybe she had down's or something. Then I was distracted by a shiny object.
So Jessica and Jason end up getting in this huge fight, and Jason's yelling "I'm so fucking sick of this shit!" and "you're ridiculous" and Jessie's all, "What? What are you sick of Jason?" And then it hits me - maybe Caesey (pageant ho) doesn't have down's....maybe Jessica does.
By the end of the episode I had had enough fried rice and enough of Jessica's lame antics that I missed Steven and Kristin. Apparently so did the producers since the next morning Kristin and her friend are talking about, you guessed it - Steven and Kristin.
Oh Laguna, I've got your number. That's right. And sadly, you know I'm gonna dial that shit every Monday night at 10.
Monday, August 22, 2005
Let Me See Your Lobster Roll
Yum Yum, give me allI am craving a lobster roll. Have been since we boarded the plane last night. Tried to get one at Chelsea Market - closed. Tried to get one at Whole Foods - no mas. Am planning on heading down to Chelsea Market for one at lunch. Yes, the craving is that bad.
Vacation All I Ever Wanted
Spent the weekend at a wedding in Vermont. So relaxing. So nice. Flew back on Jetblue and was just a tad bit sad when we landed and I saw highrises and not mountains. Don't worry, Sara isn't going soft. But once in a while it's nice to escape to someplace other than Miami, Las Vegas, and the Jersey shore. You know, once in a while.
So I decided that on top of recaping Laguna every Tuesday, I am also going to try to recap "The Ultimate Fighter" because apparently I am a diesel dike. Splendid.
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Everytime Jason Smiles, An Angel Gets Its Wings: My Weekly Recap of Laguna Beach
I will fix all of you! Especially you Talan....As many of you noticed (well alright maybe just Kelly), I did not do my weekly recap on Tuesday following Monday night's "Laguna Beach". Lo siento dear friends. (er...Kelly) So here it tis':
It's a triangle of amour down at the real OC, and Jessica and Taylor are totally being f'd over for the more crazy and fun (read: slutty) Kristin and Alex. This is fine because lord knows these kids might as well all be f-ing one another. It makes my Monday nights that more interesting. And so it goes. Jason, Alex, Cedric (sadly, not the Entertainer), and Pageant Ho all go on a couple-date. Pageant Ho, in her high-pitched jappy voice exclaims, "Uh oh! I forgot my cell phone in your car Cedric. Will you come with me to get it??!!" It's fine enough acting to make you want to give her an Emmy....well in her case maybe an AVN porn award. Not so fast blondie, you can't pull the wool over Jason's eyes. Although I sometimes think that he has three brain cells and two of them are focused on his hair, he sees this coming from a mile away. (like your bad extension job ho) Alex in her husky man-like voice acts all coy and innocent and then in some sort of maneuver ends up cock-blocking herself. Good one beast. Good one.
Some other things happen. Like Talan and Kristin are now doing the deed, while one of Taylor's friends (who is actually labeled as "friend of Taylor" underneath her own name) recalls seeing Kristin's car at Talan's house. WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT? Oh wait a sec I know, the MTV producers.
Next we have a big team fag dinner which results in JJ (Jason and Jessica) getting into an argument that leaves her pouting at the table, then after some brief words - shoving her tongue down his throat to the delight of the rest of the restaurant patrons. Pageant Ho included.
All in all I think it was an okay episode. But please MTV, the next time you promise cat-fights - there'd better be bitches scratching one another.
Who the fuck am I kidding? I'll still watch it regardless.
Oh Laguna!
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Barber This One's For You
This town ain't big enough for the both of us!
Well they said it wouldn't last, we had to prove them wrong. Cuz' I've learned in the past that love will never do without you, Junior and Trixie. (and yes that is the late great John Ritter looking helpless in the washing machine.)
They Call It the Know-It All
I'm very important! I know it all!!There is this person that I work with, who really thinks that they know it all. They have every answer to every question you didn't even ask. They are insightful, knowledgeable, and efficient. I didn't mean this last comment because I had my fingers crossed behind my back. SO THERE SMARTY PANTS!!!!
Dont You Remember You Told Me You Loved Me Baby?
Ryan,
I heard this terrible rumor that you are currently dating Rachel McAdams, the star of every fucking film that came out this summer. (she's the summer's answer to Jude Law) Whatever. I have no idea what that really means. Like I hate when people are like, "this is this years Ugg Boot". Or something. Whatever. Listen Ryan, why won't you call? Why won't you stalk? Why won't you call? Oh shit, already typed that. Okay, here is my plan: you dump her and I will make you the happiest man in the world....for like ten minutes then we will break up. Whatever Ryan, you're not man enough for me.
Love you kitten,
SJ
Dunston Checks In
So newsflash, I have a new obsession and it's name is Dunston. My other new obsession is crying to Brandy how much I want and need chocolate munchkins from the new Dunkin' Donuts right near me, while we sit and watch the Teen Choice Awards and The Real World: Austin.
So this is what a busy successful lady looks like. Take a look, she'll be here until she goes to bed later than she should only to wake up late and nearly miss her meeting at 8:30am the next morning.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
You Cheap Tramp!!!!
These ladies are now the vice presidents in charge of a newly created blog about being cheap tramps in the city. (idea thought of by the always lovely Miss Brandy Barber).
And yes I am drunk in this picture. Seriously, what else is fucking new?
And yes I am drunk in this picture. Seriously, what else is fucking new?
But Wait....Don't I Look Smart or Something??
When I was young, I used to watch Picture Page with Bill Cosby. This was shown in between episodes of "Today's Special" and "Pinwheel" (possibly the greatest television show for children in the 80's who are now working dead-end jobs with a passion for something greater). At the end of each segment, they would post an address where if you sent in $9.95, you could buy the Magic Bumble Bee pen that made the funny little sounds when Cosby would write or draw lines or circles. Well I stole a ten from my mom's purse and stuck it in an envelope (most likely without any explanation of what it was I wanted) and mailed that sucker straight to Mr. Cosby himself.
For weeks I would watch and wonder when I would get my Magic Bumble Bee pen. I answered the questions correctly Mr. Cosby. What gives?
Then one day I grew up and realized that sometimes you don't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you might just find - you get what you need.
Then I did a line of coke with Mick Jagger.
For weeks I would watch and wonder when I would get my Magic Bumble Bee pen. I answered the questions correctly Mr. Cosby. What gives?
Then one day I grew up and realized that sometimes you don't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you might just find - you get what you need.
Then I did a line of coke with Mick Jagger.
Seriously Sire, Puh-leaze
Things I Did Today Which I Now Regret:
1) having three helpings of the chocolate bread pudding at lunch
2) doing a presentation in stiletto-styled black heels
3) wearing these pants which I get a lot of compliments on, but I sometimes think are sympathy compliments since I feel like my ass is the size of the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving day float (complete with football you block head!)
Ways to Make it All Better:
1) take the stairs
2) go for a walk
3) stick three fingers down my throat and pray to Christ that my ass will go down in size.
Hmm, I am sensing a pattern which means only one thing - Sara's PMS-ing!! (this is not the mean stage, but merely the bloated one)
Trust me fellas, you don't want this...right now. Come back next week won't you.
1) having three helpings of the chocolate bread pudding at lunch
2) doing a presentation in stiletto-styled black heels
3) wearing these pants which I get a lot of compliments on, but I sometimes think are sympathy compliments since I feel like my ass is the size of the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving day float (complete with football you block head!)
Ways to Make it All Better:
1) take the stairs
2) go for a walk
3) stick three fingers down my throat and pray to Christ that my ass will go down in size.
Hmm, I am sensing a pattern which means only one thing - Sara's PMS-ing!! (this is not the mean stage, but merely the bloated one)
Trust me fellas, you don't want this...right now. Come back next week won't you.
Monday, August 15, 2005
Sweet Pickles!
Today is shaping up to be better than expected. Not that I wake up every morning with the fear of getting out of bed. But today I did not want to leave my apartment. But I did. And everything's fine. You know you start to realize how much you exaggerate things to the point of making yourself upset over absolutely nothing. I have my fits and my days. And now, if you don't mind - I'll have my way with Bambi. A thank you.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Who The Hell Knows Why I Do What I Do....
but was it really necessary for me to dance around my bedroom like Jennifer Love Hewitt on "Kids in Corporated" to Mariah's newest single, "Shake it Off"?? Perhaps. I really like this song. So much so that I decided to announce it, not once, not twice, but three times at Tripple Crown following the Big Flux show on Friday night. I finally stopped when someone shoved a drink in my face.
But no one can stop me because now Jermaine Dupri (that little black midget) is breaking it down. Now he's asking everybody to bounce. Now I'm going to stop typing because I'm slowly losing my mind at 11:42pm. Fabulous.
But no one can stop me because now Jermaine Dupri (that little black midget) is breaking it down. Now he's asking everybody to bounce. Now I'm going to stop typing because I'm slowly losing my mind at 11:42pm. Fabulous.
Saturday, August 13, 2005
Time to Close This Candy Store
I have been devoting far too much time to something I don't want in my future and not enough to the things that I do. This will soon change.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
"You Drive Me Crazy, I Just Can't Sleep"
Last night Angela and I had dinner at the Pink Pony on Ludlow (awesome delicious foods and such), when who walks in and sits right next to us but Joanne Worley from Laugh In. NOT! Seriously I have the fuckers picture up - why do I torment you people like so?? Yes, Adrian Grenier from "Entourage". He's very cute in that Williamsburg/LES sort of way. Normal, cute friends, cute girlfriend. Here's what was funny though:
Of all the things for Angela and I to eat in front of this cable superstah - a salami and olive paste panini. Yes, we both had olives in our teeth. Yes we used my enormous mirror from Sephora to pick them out. Yes, our breath reeked of salted meats. Yes, we tried to block two 15 year-olds from taking his picture with their camera phones by being assholes and shoving our forks in the air and moving around. I'm pretty sure the last thing those little tramps wanted was a picture of my face with chocolate cake falling out of it, or Angela's fist.
Don't try it bitches. Not with us. I had to remind myslef, Angela, and I guess everyone else in the room that he was in "Drive Me Crazy" with Melissa Joan Hart. So before we get all crazy and make a fuss - let us remember what I just typed - Drive, Crazy, Melissa, Joan, and Hart.
Of all the things for Angela and I to eat in front of this cable superstah - a salami and olive paste panini. Yes, we both had olives in our teeth. Yes we used my enormous mirror from Sephora to pick them out. Yes, our breath reeked of salted meats. Yes, we tried to block two 15 year-olds from taking his picture with their camera phones by being assholes and shoving our forks in the air and moving around. I'm pretty sure the last thing those little tramps wanted was a picture of my face with chocolate cake falling out of it, or Angela's fist.
Don't try it bitches. Not with us. I had to remind myslef, Angela, and I guess everyone else in the room that he was in "Drive Me Crazy" with Melissa Joan Hart. So before we get all crazy and make a fuss - let us remember what I just typed - Drive, Crazy, Melissa, Joan, and Hart.
Listen Up Boneheads
I am sick and tired of hearing "yo baby's" and "damn girl you look so fines" while on my way to work. Here are some reasons as to why I am NOT wearing this skirt:
1) to turn you and your truck load of Mexicans on a 8:45am
2) to hopefully win a date with you and your messenger bike
3) to make your day.
Here is probably the most likely reason as to why I am wearing this skirt:
1) IT'S FUCKING HOT OUT RIM JOBS!!!!
1) to turn you and your truck load of Mexicans on a 8:45am
2) to hopefully win a date with you and your messenger bike
3) to make your day.
Here is probably the most likely reason as to why I am wearing this skirt:
1) IT'S FUCKING HOT OUT RIM JOBS!!!!
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
Everytime I Watch This Show I Lose Another Braincell - Weekly Recap of Last Night's "Laguna Beach"
So Lauren and Steven are like totally hooking up. They are such scamps! It's LC's birthday and they decide to go to Mexico with Dieter (seriously when will that kid finish going thru puberty?) and some other girl I have never seen before. LC gets wasted and for her birthday wants Steven in her pants. I'm pretty sure they fucked but due to certain legal limitations, MTV could not show it. Oh well.
Talan makes a play for that wispy little thing Taylor and tells her that every girl he dates he compares to her. So sweet. Like a Sinead O' Connor video, minus the single tear and shaved head. BUT, he is merely telling her this so that she takes off her bra and panties and throws them in his direction. (I've seen it a hundred times) Just one scene later and he's telling Kristen that he's not that into Taylor. NO WAY! DRAMA!
All in all it was just an okay episode, but my money for highest drama meter rating will be next week when Jessica and Jason fight because he's a male whore who has to stick his peen in everything that moves. (inlcuding that beast Alex)
Oh teenagers!
Talan makes a play for that wispy little thing Taylor and tells her that every girl he dates he compares to her. So sweet. Like a Sinead O' Connor video, minus the single tear and shaved head. BUT, he is merely telling her this so that she takes off her bra and panties and throws them in his direction. (I've seen it a hundred times) Just one scene later and he's telling Kristen that he's not that into Taylor. NO WAY! DRAMA!
All in all it was just an okay episode, but my money for highest drama meter rating will be next week when Jessica and Jason fight because he's a male whore who has to stick his peen in everything that moves. (inlcuding that beast Alex)
Oh teenagers!
"Must You Always Be So Drunk in Every Picture??!!"
So says my mother. Listen Val you raised this little wino, now you must deal with the consequences.
Monday, August 08, 2005
Turn Around Bright Eyes
I am freezing right now. Maybe I'm coming down with a cold? Let's hope. That would be fabulous. A NOT. I'm also pretty hungry and craving a delicious cup of coffee. I'm also wishing right now that I worked from home like my roommate does. I'm convinced that she has the greatest life because she's doing what she wants to do and works from home. This week she's given herself a vacation and is spending a week at the beach. She is lucky and fabulous. She also works her ass off, so she does deserve a break now and then. I am having one of those days when I am ready to start trashing things. Like getting rid of things I have little or no use of.
This blog would be the last to go. I promise.
This blog would be the last to go. I promise.
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Even the Best Fall Down Sometimes
So apparently last night at Brandy's birthday party (hosted by the ever so gracious Miss Anne Woodward and her adorable roommate Chris), I became Arthur Bach. Let me explain. We all began eating and drinking around 6:45pm and by 11:45pm I was drunk enough to shove myself into a cab and exclaim to the cab driver, "Sire take me to Manhattan" as I threw my head out the window and waved at a gang war taking place on Metropolitan Ave. All I needed obviously was my top hat and Liza Minnelli and the ties she stole from Bergdorf.
Yeah, Sara was messy. Luckily for me the high cancelled out the drunkie mc drunkigens. A special thanks to Matty W for hooking this lady up, and my dear friend Giulia Rozzi for enlightening me with deep conversation. At some point Anne and I decided to launch into our own version of the "Food Glorious Food" (complete with weenie bites) and "Sisters" from White Christmas (complete with Asian fan - that I think I may have broken) it was a night of pure pleasure for reals kid. I cannot wait for the incriminating photos that will someday ruin my bid for the White House (Barber!!!)
On a completely separate note, I sold my couch and have come to terms with sticking my Diesels to the back of the closet. It sort of makes me sad. I mean, my couch was a part of my life for two years. It came with me to three apartments, witnessed endless laughs and tears. Well at least I can smile because I still have the chair, ottoman, and armoire in my bedroom and the coffee table in my parent's garage. As for the Diesels, sometimes I have to remind myself that no matter how hard I try to make them fit - they just won't. I really am beginning to see what little need I have of them in my life. How appropriate that as I type this, "All Cried Out" plays on my Itunes. Yes. I surely spent way too many tears stuffing my ass into those tight little things. I think I'm better with my newer fleet of jeans. I'll keep the Diesels around for maybe another month or two, then by fall when I'm feeling stronger will release them into the wild for some tiny-assed little 20 year-old skank to wear and enjoy. Cause lord knows I'm all cried out over those pieces of crap.
Yeah, Sara was messy. Luckily for me the high cancelled out the drunkie mc drunkigens. A special thanks to Matty W for hooking this lady up, and my dear friend Giulia Rozzi for enlightening me with deep conversation. At some point Anne and I decided to launch into our own version of the "Food Glorious Food" (complete with weenie bites) and "Sisters" from White Christmas (complete with Asian fan - that I think I may have broken) it was a night of pure pleasure for reals kid. I cannot wait for the incriminating photos that will someday ruin my bid for the White House (Barber!!!)
On a completely separate note, I sold my couch and have come to terms with sticking my Diesels to the back of the closet. It sort of makes me sad. I mean, my couch was a part of my life for two years. It came with me to three apartments, witnessed endless laughs and tears. Well at least I can smile because I still have the chair, ottoman, and armoire in my bedroom and the coffee table in my parent's garage. As for the Diesels, sometimes I have to remind myself that no matter how hard I try to make them fit - they just won't. I really am beginning to see what little need I have of them in my life. How appropriate that as I type this, "All Cried Out" plays on my Itunes. Yes. I surely spent way too many tears stuffing my ass into those tight little things. I think I'm better with my newer fleet of jeans. I'll keep the Diesels around for maybe another month or two, then by fall when I'm feeling stronger will release them into the wild for some tiny-assed little 20 year-old skank to wear and enjoy. Cause lord knows I'm all cried out over those pieces of crap.
Friday, August 05, 2005
Searching For My Lost Shaker of Salt
I have got to get myself back into shape. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Oh I'm fine really, but I have SO MUCH going on right now that it's hard to make it all happen minus any flaws. HOWEVER, I'm merely speaking of the fact that tonight and tomorrow will be booze fest 2005. I am drinking delicious wines and such and stuffing my face full of fondue for the Monk little viewing shindig, then I'm going to awake tomorrow morning take care of some personal shit, and then head to Anne's for Brandy's birthday party. Oh yes there will be dancing, singing, eating, drinking, toking, stroking. (Well maybe) We are all being extra girlie and getting together early to flatiron and/or fluff our hair into something that resembles a Pantene ad (or at the very least LA Looks)
I did buy myself a little planner but am still lusting over the one I saw on Bleeker (store has since shut down and moved to LES which is fine except for the fact that they sold out of my damn planner!)
So I watched Faith Hill this morning on the Today Show, only proving all the more how much better women look with long flowing locks vs. the short-haired chop. (she has large ears, that's her problem)
I did buy myself a little planner but am still lusting over the one I saw on Bleeker (store has since shut down and moved to LES which is fine except for the fact that they sold out of my damn planner!)
So I watched Faith Hill this morning on the Today Show, only proving all the more how much better women look with long flowing locks vs. the short-haired chop. (she has large ears, that's her problem)
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
BabyYou're a Lost Cause
Just did my finances and feel like shooting myself in the vag. It's amazing how much money one young lady can spend on useless crap. Okay maybe it wasn't all crap. I guess I really get upset at myself when I don't bring lunch and breakfast to work, and then shell out well over $30 a week on crap last minute meals. That's a manicure/pedicure people. Sara needs to stop the madness.
Tonight has been uber relaxing. I worked late and came home and decided to pick up one of those lean cuisines, drank a glass of wine, and am in the process of doing random odds and ends I have been putting off for, oh I don't know, a week or two, went thru my mail (finally), and am now listening to my itunes as I surf the web for fondue recipes for my little wine and cheese dinner on Friday (to celebrate Dan's Monk episode - yes I am gay) Oh excellent, the acoustic version of Yellowcard's "Only One" is on right now. Seriously someone shoot the vag right now. Can't be more painful.
Tonight has been uber relaxing. I worked late and came home and decided to pick up one of those lean cuisines, drank a glass of wine, and am in the process of doing random odds and ends I have been putting off for, oh I don't know, a week or two, went thru my mail (finally), and am now listening to my itunes as I surf the web for fondue recipes for my little wine and cheese dinner on Friday (to celebrate Dan's Monk episode - yes I am gay) Oh excellent, the acoustic version of Yellowcard's "Only One" is on right now. Seriously someone shoot the vag right now. Can't be more painful.
This Is Why We're Friends Reason # 202
My dear friend Pat (or Paddy Jo) sent me this deliciously hilarious little greeting. I retaliated by sending him back one with a little bunny holding up a sign that says, "You're a Fag".
Ah friendship.
Ah friendship.
BEAT IT TROLLS!!!
Seriously, I need everyone to back the fuck off of SJ and give me some fucking room to breathe! I have had it. All I want to do is to eat my bento box. Get yer filthy minds outta the gutta - I'm merely talking about food.
And by everyone of course I mean people who don't even know this thing exists. Not you dear reader of four people. xoxox - SJ
And by everyone of course I mean people who don't even know this thing exists. Not you dear reader of four people. xoxox - SJ
"Well, We'll Always Have the Simpsons" (insert high five)
I once dated a young man who's exit line was the above. I supplied the high five - a thank you. This is the same guy who when I first met him on a drunken night at the Jersey shore in the summer of 2000, swore up and down that he was the one for me. Namely because he too loved to quote Ralph Wiggums. I was 22, he was like 30. In retrospect I do see how we obviously had little or nothing in common, I mean I saw this the minute the "relationship" started falling apart. And yet, I give credit where credit is due and will always remember this last line...more than I'll remember his face and how he wore his hair. (like an onion...ask Angela)
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
"Is This Show Staged?" Another Recap from Last Night's Laguna Beach
I'm beginning to think it is staged. There are too many points in the show where it's just overtly gay and cheesy - surely this can't be real life for a pack of 17 and 18 year-olds?? Here are some clues that help point me into the staged direction:
1) Lo picks a flower for LC - where did Lo's camera crew go when she walked into LC's palace? And who does that? I sure do love my friends, but I can count on my thumb the number of times I skipped down a friends staircase and decided to pick a flower out of a flower bed infront of their door...yeah I'm counting and it's ZERO times. One thing that didn't appear to be staged - Lo's little belly protruding from her tight C&C top. Looks like even little snots form Laguna Beach can pack on the freshman 15. (or is Sara's case, it was like 16 - I have pictures to prove it and it didn't help that my roommates mom bought us monster-sized Nutrageous bars which we used to eat in doubles at one time.)
2) The boys go to the mean girls' house. The alarm goes off, they all start talking about "what if someone did break-in" then a knock at the door. I'm sorry but no matter how big my backyard is, I am pretty sure that I would have seen a camera crew running around in the backyard. A-holes. Nice try. Can't pull the wool over Allocco's eyes.
3) Steven, Steve, Steven - I swear to god if I hear that name one more time I may cry.
4) When they get into fights or are breaking up, it's all very theatrical. I know I'm dramatic and have even had moments when I've gone beyond the normal actions of any girl fighting with a boy by pretending that I'm on the set of "Swan's Crossing" but come on, how many times are you going to make the little nerdy girl with the glasses hug Jason who is clearly cheating on her (I read ahead in the script douches at MTV!)
5) Apparently when you smoke pot you become a wizard at noticing how many angles they've shot a single scene. (In the last scene where nerdy girl and Jason go their separate ways, I counted 8) Cue Howie Day's "Collide".
1) Lo picks a flower for LC - where did Lo's camera crew go when she walked into LC's palace? And who does that? I sure do love my friends, but I can count on my thumb the number of times I skipped down a friends staircase and decided to pick a flower out of a flower bed infront of their door...yeah I'm counting and it's ZERO times. One thing that didn't appear to be staged - Lo's little belly protruding from her tight C&C top. Looks like even little snots form Laguna Beach can pack on the freshman 15. (or is Sara's case, it was like 16 - I have pictures to prove it and it didn't help that my roommates mom bought us monster-sized Nutrageous bars which we used to eat in doubles at one time.)
2) The boys go to the mean girls' house. The alarm goes off, they all start talking about "what if someone did break-in" then a knock at the door. I'm sorry but no matter how big my backyard is, I am pretty sure that I would have seen a camera crew running around in the backyard. A-holes. Nice try. Can't pull the wool over Allocco's eyes.
3) Steven, Steve, Steven - I swear to god if I hear that name one more time I may cry.
4) When they get into fights or are breaking up, it's all very theatrical. I know I'm dramatic and have even had moments when I've gone beyond the normal actions of any girl fighting with a boy by pretending that I'm on the set of "Swan's Crossing" but come on, how many times are you going to make the little nerdy girl with the glasses hug Jason who is clearly cheating on her (I read ahead in the script douches at MTV!)
5) Apparently when you smoke pot you become a wizard at noticing how many angles they've shot a single scene. (In the last scene where nerdy girl and Jason go their separate ways, I counted 8) Cue Howie Day's "Collide".
This is Me, Today
Last night Annie and I watched "Laguna Beach" and then smoked a little. It was nice. Then I ate an entire bag of chips. But it's not that bad, because they were healthy ones from Whole Foods. She and I giggled and laughed about boys, then I almost fell off the couch reaching for the chips. Nice.
It's This One Thing, That's Got Me Trippin'
Top 5:
1) Trey Parker - because smart, funny, successful guys are enough - but when you throw in matinee idol looks, oh baby I surrender.
2) The lead singer from Queens of the Stone Age. His voice is just as sexy as he is.
3) Chris Martin - I know he belongs to Gwennie, but if he didn't - I'd so throw my $5 Calvin Klein bra I bought at Marshall's and has the Calvin tag cut, at him.
4) Patrick Dempsey - I even loved him as the geek Ronald Miller in "Can't Buy Me Love" AND as the lead in "Loverboy".
5) Jason Bateman - Bran, I know he's all yours, but if maybe I could spend one night making the sweet sweet love, I'd greatly appreciate (and hand him back to you unharmed)
1) Trey Parker - because smart, funny, successful guys are enough - but when you throw in matinee idol looks, oh baby I surrender.
2) The lead singer from Queens of the Stone Age. His voice is just as sexy as he is.
3) Chris Martin - I know he belongs to Gwennie, but if he didn't - I'd so throw my $5 Calvin Klein bra I bought at Marshall's and has the Calvin tag cut, at him.
4) Patrick Dempsey - I even loved him as the geek Ronald Miller in "Can't Buy Me Love" AND as the lead in "Loverboy".
5) Jason Bateman - Bran, I know he's all yours, but if maybe I could spend one night making the sweet sweet love, I'd greatly appreciate (and hand him back to you unharmed)
Well I Tried, But Slept Won By Default
I did set my alarm for 7am, and did hit snooze until 7:36, and did miss 6 minutes of Denise Austin (who was using a stepper - Sara doesn't own a stepper) so instead I tuned into the Today show and watched the bit about Jennifer Aniston. In September's Vanity Fair, she comes clean about the whole Brad/Angelina thing. She doesn't think he ever cheated while filming Mr & Mrs Smith - BUT does think he may have emotionally, and wasn't honest about his feelings for Angie. Blah Blah whine whine. Listen, when you date a guy as good looking as Brad Pitt - you have to expect that this sort of behavior is part of the package. I never for one minute considered him NOT being full of himself. Ultimately, his good looks and mid-life crisis tore them apart. She also poo-poos the whole "pregancy" rumor. She said that she does want kids, and would never put that on hold for her career. I thought so Jen. (I can call her Jen b/c we're friends...or I'm a loser - I forget which one)
I found this all so fascinating. Obviously, more fascinating than getting my legs toned via Denise Austin on Lifetime. Maybe I'll walk to work today instead. Tee hee, I'm so funny sometimes.
I found this all so fascinating. Obviously, more fascinating than getting my legs toned via Denise Austin on Lifetime. Maybe I'll walk to work today instead. Tee hee, I'm so funny sometimes.
Monday, August 01, 2005
And I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore
I awoke this morning to two sounds: 1) my sister's dog barking (they are visiting from Florida) and 2) The Early Show on CBS. I stayed at my parents last night and in turn, received little or no sleep. It's a wonder I can even type right now. I just had some fresh fruit for breakfast, and cannot get motivated.
I do like my outfit today. So I have that going for me....which is nice. I think I may need to start working out in the am. Okay stop laughing. It's really for energy more than fit. This way I won't have to resort to taking a quick 15 minute power nap under my desk ala George Costanza.
I also had a dream last night, that my butt was pinched by this comic who I happen to think is dreamy in that "silly, is he gay?" sort of way.
I do like my outfit today. So I have that going for me....which is nice. I think I may need to start working out in the am. Okay stop laughing. It's really for energy more than fit. This way I won't have to resort to taking a quick 15 minute power nap under my desk ala George Costanza.
I also had a dream last night, that my butt was pinched by this comic who I happen to think is dreamy in that "silly, is he gay?" sort of way.
About me
- I'm saraisloco
- From New York, New York, United States
- I'm bad at posting but great at sending Christmas cards. Wait a second, no I'm not.
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