SARA IS LOCO

Last night Anne, Brandy and I went to see the delightful duo of Jon Benjamin and Jon Glaser in the show, "Inside Joke" at the UCB. Then we went to Muse and did a half hour set and I rediscovered the crush I had when I was six on Stevie Wonder's "I Just Called to Say I Love You". It has now been added to my repertoire.

News Flash: I'd still do in inappropriate things to Justin Timberlake. Hey, we all can dream can't we Cameron? Scamp.

Posted by saraisloco at 1:25 PM | Permalink | Comments

Come watch me as I sing a song I wrote when I was 15 about a senior I had a crush on - who had rosacea and wouldn't return my calls.

Angst invades the east coast! Yes, MORTIFIED, LA's cult comedy sensation is finally coming to NYC. Witness grown men & women reading aloud their most pathetic REAL teenage journal entries, poems, letters & lyrics... in front of total strangers. Sound like fun? It is. New city, same melodrama.

WHAT: Mortified NYC
WHEN: Sunday April 17th + Sunday April 24th (8pm)
WHERE: The Tank(432 W 42nd St, NYC 10036)
COST: $10
TICKETS: Smarttix

STARRING: Sara Allocco, Brandy Barber, Abby Gross, Margot Leitman, Jen McNeil, Dave Nadelberg(April 17 only), Will Nolan, Giulia Rozzi, Victoria Scroggins, Maria Suozzo and Law Tarello.

As heard on NPR's "This American Life"! Hailed "a comic cringe fest"
By Backstage West.

Mortified is created by David Nadelberg. Mortified NYC is produced by David Nadelberg & Giulia Rozzi.
More info @ http://www.getmortified.com

In angst we trust.

Posted by saraisloco at 3:43 AM | Permalink | Comments

I just made our reservations for our one night in South Beach at The Clevelander. Something tells me that I'm not going to be getting any sleep and that I will still be drunk on the beach the following morning.

South Beach: Just like NYC but warmer and a little cheesier.

Posted by saraisloco at 3:09 PM | Permalink | Comments

This is amazing. I'm in bed and typing on my blog as I sip a cup of delicious coffee that Annie made for me (she's the best!) Why didn't I get a laptop sooner??!!*

So I'm loving this new Cameron Diaz show "Trippin" but only because Justin appears in two episodes. It should be interesting to see how they interact with one another. A lot more interesting then say Britney and Kevin's mongaloid watch. Do we really care if she is pregnant? Would it come as that much of a surprise?? She had chicken fingers and RC Cola at her wedding for Christs Sake people!! Clearly this girl is WT.

*because it was more important for me to spend money on makeup at Sephora.

Posted by saraisloco at 10:27 AM | Permalink | Comments

I am in the midst of watching the newest installment of "The Bachelor" with Jerry O'Connell's little brother (who by the way is no Jerry O'Connell but I'd still makeout with him in the coat check room at Suite 16) Now usually this show is more painful than syphilis, but this time around it's actually pretty funny. All thanks to Charlie O'Connell. I hope he eats the roses and shits them out before giving them to the majority of hoes on this show. Well, I mean that's what I would do.

Posted by saraisloco at 10:26 PM | Permalink | Comments

There is a protest going on outside my building for some other company. Man are those guys angry or what? If I were to protest I would have picked a nicer day....(and location) I get the point of doing it in front of the very person or thing you are protesting against but wouldn't it be more effective to be doing it via satellite from the beach or something? Sort of an "up yours" to the sons of bitches who are in the office working. Hmm, yes I do think that's a brilliant idea. Funny. And I'm not even high!

Oh and by the way, the rain is not going to put a damper on my spirit*. Hell no! I will be basking in a scene much like this one in 10 days!

*but it is going to ruin my hair. Hey kids don't look - it's Kip Winger!

Posted by saraisloco at 2:15 PM | Permalink | Comments

Another night of drinking, another morning in slight pain. Actually it wasn't that bad, but jesus how many Grey Goose and sodas does one girl need??*

Top those off with chicken burritos and beef tacos at San Loco, and my drunken plea to drag Mini to karaoke at 1am, and you've got yourself just a normal Thursday night in the life of Miss Sara Jo Allocco.

*apparently 6 of them

Posted by saraisloco at 1:46 PM | Permalink | Comments

and it isn't just talk, talk, talk.

So what if I address bartenders as sire and madame?

So what if I can't make up my mind on certain issues?

So what if "Stepping Out" is my new favorite song?

So what if I ache like a woman but break like a little girl?

So what if strange things make me laugh?

So what if I can't commit to one lip gloss so I need to own twelve of them?

So what if our pickles touched? I'm not in love. It's just a silly phase I'm going thru.

Posted by saraisloco at 6:45 PM | Permalink | Comments

I have this pair of jeans that I bought last summer and although I really like them, I think it's time that I throw them out or give them away. They fit okay but they're nothing spectacular and they don't really make me look my best. It makes me sad because they're these really cool Diesels but they just aren't working out. If I was blessed with being able to be a bit more patient, I would try to get them tailored or something - but alas, it's probably not meant to be.

So I am on the prowl for a new pair of jeans. They don't have to be Diesels, they just have to make me look good.

I bet Booker T doesn't have this problem....

Posted by saraisloco at 4:03 PM | Permalink | Comments

Brandy and Porter,

This one's for you guys.

Posted by saraisloco at 12:57 PM | Permalink | Comments

Tonight I am going to the Onion Happy Hour with Brandy and Porter. Tomorrow I will be celebrating another Happy Hour - this time with Danielle and Debbie. Friday night will most likely be filled with more booze, as will this weekend when I go home for Easter to visit family and some of my friends.

So is all of this drinking good for me? No. Will I go to a bar and only order sodas? Not on your life. But does Alcoholism run in my family? You betcha!

Posted by saraisloco at 1:41 PM | Permalink | Comments

Oh Zach Braff. Why must you be so darn good looking?? Why must you make me laugh each week on Scrubs?? You are officially my new crush of the month. You are also....my new television boyfriend.

Zach and I have a lot in common guys. No joke:
He is from NJ - I lived there once for two years
He likes the Yankees - I like the Yankees
He drives a $100,000 Porshe - If I made that kind of money I too would drive a $100,000 Porshe
He got Punk'd and nearly beat the crap out of a small child - I sometimes knock small children over in the subway

So you see....we truly are meant to be. Shh....don't say a word Zach - it'll be our little secret

Posted by saraisloco at 10:17 AM | Permalink | Comments

I look like shit. My hair is slicked back into a sideways ponytail. I'm wearing Roos with no socks, gray slacks that I would normally call "pants" but they're so ugly on me that they must be slacks, a pretty light blue sweater that sadly has no chance to shine on it's own as it's unfortunately part of a really tragic ensemble. What gives? Oh I'm not sure. Could it be that I got ready in four minutes this morning? I did manage to shower. (a thank you) but left the hair washing for another day. (hence the oil slick atop my head) Wow. I'm so pretty that I should head over to Sephora and listen to some baby's momma tell me how big my pores are and how badly in need I am of an exfoliation....and $400 worth of Nars cosmetics. Okay Carmen - sign me up.

On second thought, I don't look like shit. I look like Deb from "Napoleon Dynamite" complete with side pony and stirup leggings. All that's missing is my girlish grin. Excuse me for being a sour puss but I must have left that in my "holy shit so late for work" $9 cab ride this morning

Posted by saraisloco at 7:37 PM | Permalink | Comments

Hope you guys enjoy the newly created look. I was tired of the darkness. Much like Gloria Estefan I am now "Coming Out of the Dark". Except for me I didn't nearly die in a bus crash while on my way to perform at the local Taco Hut in Little Havana. No silly. I'm way to important for that. Why just look at my newly updated blog.

Some more fun things to come:
1) more pictures (yes it's true I learned to do this but to be honest have been to damn lazy)
2) more posts now that I will soon be the proud mama to a Dell Inspiron 6000.
3) more hi-larious anecdotes about how great I am. Ha ha. No, I'm not kidding.

ENJOY!

Posted by saraisloco at 4:29 PM | Permalink | Comments

I need a vacation. Big Time. True, I am going to Florida with Kelly and Annie in less than 15 days, but I am thinking more along the lines of that two-week European Adventure I've been planning since graduating from college in 2001. I had these grandiose plans to travel with friends after college - then 9/11 happened. Made them again for the following summer - then got a real job and had to settle down. Then I was off living a life of comfort and stability - then I got sick. Okay so now I am back to good and feeling great....even though I might have just had a little breakdown because for the fifth time have forgotten to take my thyroid medicine this morning. (Son of a bitch!) Anyway, I need an adventurous vacation. And I think September might be the time to take it (according to co-workers who scoffed at the idea of me heading to Europe in the summer) plus I will have my bonus from work so I can put that towards it. Oh and what's this..."She Will be Loved" is playing on my radio at my desk? Ahh, Adam Levine* you know I would love to go on tour with you to Europe this summer, but there are way too many important merchandising tasks that need to be done. But if you ever need a place to stay: come around my way.

* Adam Levine as in lead singer of Maroon 5. Not the kid we all went to summer camp with.

Posted by saraisloco at 4:09 PM | Permalink | Comments

1) I still think Ashlee Simpson is about as talented as a used tampon.
2) I am enjoying my first season of watching 'Top Model"
3)I still want Justin Timberlake
4) Someday I'd like to be on "The Amazing Race"
5) I am going to be in Florida, laying out on the sandy beaches in less than three weeks.
6) I LOVE my new apartment
7) I am craving perogies and sour cream. Good thing I'm getting them tonight with brandy and Kevin.
8) I was just reminded that I have only 9 more full-day Fridays until our half-day summer Fridays goes into effect.
9) I have only 9 more full-day Fridays left for me to work off my hibernating winterized ass and pasty tan in time for summer.
10) I am also craving a Cadbury Egg. Big Time.

Posted by saraisloco at 6:47 PM | Permalink | Comments

for helping me choose which stationary I am going to send thank you notes out on

for helping me find that perfect green zip up sweatshirt to wear out in public

And for helping me to select a new handbag for Spring!

Thank Ru Engrish!

Posted by saraisloco at 4:53 PM | Permalink | Comments

I am starving. And really craving a cappucino or General Foods International French vanilla coffee. I just might be euro trash.

There is this guy at work who looks like Chris Martin from Coldplay and we rode the elevator this morning and I couldn't help but stare and notice the similarities. He caught me staring and I flashed him a stalker smile (All teeth, no lips)

I love everyone who showed up to support me on Saturday night for my sketch show "4 Twats, A Dick, and a Canadian". I had so much fun and those fucking red bulls really do give you wings.

I listened to "Time After Time" on my ipod while on my way to work this morning and have decided that the next time I karaoke I will sing it.

I think people who try to dress funky and be "crazy" can only pull it off if they are cool. That being said, the majority of girls who frequent "Hot Topic", "Rampage", "Flying A" are not cool.

I am counting down the days until I am in Naples.

My toes need a pedicure big time. I am three seconds from using them to grade cheese and ward off predators.

I am hungry....did I already mention that?

Posted by saraisloco at 1:21 PM | Permalink | Comments

My first real job was as a cashier at CVS in high school. My approach to it was very simple: show up, read magazines, ring people up, get paid, eat a bag full of M&M's that I had RJ the druggie stock boy "damage" for me, then go home with a new lip gloss that I got half off with my crazy cool discount.

Then when I'd arrive home I'd pretend to be too tired from all of my "hard work" to do any chores around the house. One day after an four shift of reading "Marie Claire" and "YM" and eating a dinner of Cadbury Eggs (that my friend Mike and I "damaged" by chucking at one another), my father made the mistake of asking me to take out the garbage. "But Dad, I'm sooo tired", I whined. He then snapped "Cut it out already Sara, a robot could do your job!".

Sadly this wasn't the last time I got myself into a job where application of Double A batteries was necessary in order to complete tasks.

Here's hoping for a change.

Posted by saraisloco at 2:13 PM | Permalink | Comments

On my way into work this morning there was a middle aged woman playing "Ghost" by the Indigo Girls on her guitar. And she played it well. And it made me cry. Just a little. Does this have anything to do with the fact that I had a dream last night that I was dating Justin Timberlake and that he left me for a 16 year- old?? Does this have anything to do with the fact that I may or may not be insane? God I really love that song. I remember seeing the Indigo Girls in 97' with two of my girlfriends, their boyfriends, and my friend Joe. Joe and I were clearly not a couple, but when they played "Ghost" and everyone was making out I could either turn to him or the lesbian sitting next to me who kept brushing her hand against my leg. (Jesus bitch at least buy me an overpriced watered down Bud Light). I did the only thing that seemed the most sensible, I started crying, grabbed Joe's arm and exclaimed "I want a boyfriend!!!".

No one wanted me at that point. I couldn't even get the lesbian to look at me.

Moral of story: don't ever listen to "Ghost" at an Indigo Girls concert in hopes that you'll meet a straight cute man who will want to date you. Save it for "Lover Lay Down" at the Dave Matthews concert. I'm not saying you'll get a boyfriend, but if you play your cards right you just may get felt up in his Jetta. Not that this happened to me....I'm just saying is all.

Posted by saraisloco at 12:52 PM | Permalink | Comments

So lots and lots of exciting things happening to your good friend Sara Jo!! For one, on Monday I moved into my new apartment with my roomie Miss Annie Chessin!! (who you should seriously get to decorate your apartment because she is one talented lil' lady). Secondly, I have my show on Saturday (which I am very excited about). Thirdly, the Backstreet Boys have put out a new single which "dropped" sometime last week and shamelessly I must admit that I love it. What perfect timing BSB's!! Same week as Aaron Carter getting busted for weed and Nick being arrested for a DWI! Oh those Carter boys!

So I am in love with my new apartment and my new 'hood. (god I'm so street aren't I?) which leads me to another topic: I hate people who try to speak like they were raised in the afermentioned hood when in reality they grew up in places like Long Island, New Jersey, and I don't know....oh yeah Canada. Quit talking trash shitheads - you're not Fittycent and you're no Sean Carter. You're not even Nick Carter. Which leads me back to me loving their new single. I can't wait to see the video! *

*insert sarcastic sneer with look of honesty in eyes that cannot be hidden because I truly do like this fucking song.

Posted by saraisloco at 4:01 PM | Permalink | Comments

It's 11am and already I've managed to yell at the United State Postal Service (for overcharging me my change of address fees), the moving company I am using on Monday (for being shady and trying to overcharge me insurance fees), and the old lady at the laundromat near Brandy's apartment (for not having enough dryers). I am beyond stressed and it helps nothing that I have back to back dress rehearsals today and tomorrow, move on Monday, and rehearsals all next week. There's too much going on in my world right now for me to be calm......and yet calm is what I shall be. I mean, what else can I do....yell at a complete stranger for being in my way on the subway??!!* HA HA.....ha....ha....

*consider it done!

Posted by saraisloco at 2:03 PM | Permalink | Comments

We used to date. He had issues. I want him back.

Posted by saraisloco at 2:09 AM | Permalink | Comments

Hooray! Brandy has walked me through how to upload a photo! I have added this favorite photo from her files of myself, Brandy, and our former sketch partner Quinton. This photo makes me laugh because us girls told the boys how much we hated them while an Elivs impersonator sang "Viva Las Vegas", then all went to some bar on the Lower East Side and drank ourselves into a coma. I then piled my fat ass into a cab, went home, and slept soundly...never worrying about writing with those boys again.

We miss you guys. (and to prove it we're both pouring some beer out of our 40's for your right now)

Posted by saraisloco at 11:01 PM | Permalink | Comments

Uh oh. I feel a cold coming on. How crazy is that? I can tell within ten minutes of feeling like crap whether or not I am going to be sick. In this case me thinks I am. So while I'm waiting to go to rehearsal (for my sketch show on March 12th at the Pit Theater 9pm - don't miss it!) I sit here eating wonton soup and sprimp fried rice, all the while praying to the gods above that I do not catch this shitty bug that has been making every person and their grandmother ill.

Isn't the protocol for fighting a cold feeding it....lots and lots of chinese food??

I better pray to Christ that it is.

Posted by saraisloco at 9:19 PM | Permalink | Comments

There are no good words to describe how I feel at this very moment after being raped of $12 by the cafe we have here at work. I'm sorry - a Guy and Gallard smoked turkey sandwich for $6?? Maybe in Hawaii sister. But I pay because until I move into my place (which by the way is in 5 days!!) I am sort of just throwing money away on food. I guess I can't really complain when for two months I ate whatever was in my parents house or around my apartment for free. It just pains me to spend that much money on crap food vs. buying some good stuff at Fresh Direct and bringing breakfast and lunch with me. Ah yes, just you wait Mr. Wallet. Once again you will be full of that sweet cold hard cash (mainly singles and some tens rarely anything higher than a twenty). And you Madam Belly, Ass, and Thighs - you will once again be able to fit into your jeans once Annie and I being our workout regime ....but who's counting.

Well, obviously I am.

Posted by saraisloco at 3:54 PM | Permalink | Comments

in the entire world is Def Leppard. Okay stop laughing at me dammit. I am listening to "Love Bites" and almost started crying. Now I know how those freakish German girls sob over Hasselhoff because I too just might shed a tear if I ever came face to face (or at least sat in the same stadium) as Joe Elliot. Jesus Christ. No man has managed to stay on my mind this long. Honestly. I have loved him since I first caught sight of this fine specimin of a man in a pair of tight leggings and a British flag tank top in the "Photograph" video. Yes. That's right. For the past 22 years I have held a spot in my heart for Joe Elliot. Sick? Sure. But was it worth it? Probably not. But this much I know to be true - no man has ever made me feel as complete as Joe does when he sings "I don't wanna touch you too much baby. Cuz making love to you might drive me crazy". Sing on Joe. And next time - come on you can touch me. I'm legal now.

Posted by saraisloco at 2:19 PM | Permalink | Comments

While on my way to work this morning I overheard a young man and his female friend talking about why he broke up with his girlfriend. Seeing as my Ipod battery ran out at the Jay Street stop, I decided to pretend to read my Jay Mohr book while listening to them. The young man claimed to be interested in women who possess "a knowledge of who the current president is and why our economy is fucked up - not who the Bachelorette chose last night". I had to turn away to keep from laughing. Who the hell was this guy dating....me???! Tee hee. Hee hee. Cough. Cough. (insert awkward silence then silent tear while continuing to read Us Weekly)

Posted by saraisloco at 1:13 PM | Permalink | Comments

I am so grateful that my dear friend Brandy Barber is letting me stay at her apartment the week before I move into my new place. She feeds me, makes me laugh, and joins me in my spiteful commentary of all things hollywood and television. In short - she rules. Oh yeah, and her roommate really is a ghost....or the little girl from "The Ring" who drenches the bathroom floor after every shower.

Posted by saraisloco at 10:38 AM | Permalink | Comments