SARA IS LOCO

I've gotta fabulous feeling, everything's going my way.....

8am - Awake in fine silk bedding to the sound of sweet birds chirping and the aroma of freshly brewed coffee, pancakes, and egg whites.
8:30am - Upon completing my delicious breakfast, read the NY Times from cover to cover.
9:00am - relax by the fire with a good book
10:00am - head to my private pilates session

11:30am - Shower and get ready. Since I'm such a natural beauty this takes little or no time.
12:00pm - high tea with my mother
1pm - shopping at the finest boutiques Long Island has to offer
5pm - a chauffeured limo back to my apartment in the city

Here's how it's really been/will be
8am - awake to four dogs barking like mad and my mom telling me that my dad got me coffee from 7-11 and it's sitting on the counter in the kitchen
8:30am - try to force myself to go back to sleep where I was in the midst of having a dream about Ryan Gosling making out with me on New Years in Aspen.
9:00am - still trying to sleep, now have to share the bed with two small dogs
9:30 - finally awake and question why the hell I've been so tired lately. Make a mental note to call my doctor for mono screening
9:35: step on one of the dogs toys and curse them
9:36: grab coffee off of counter which at this time is cold. Pour it into a mug and put it in the microwave.
9:37: stare off into space before realizing that I am standing in front of the microwave. Panic and move.
9:40 read the NY Post and Daily News (only the gossip and entertainment pages)
10:00am - Read my US Weekly
10:10 - Done with US Weekly, blog my first entry of the day and check work email.
10:15 - 10:45 - Email back and forth with friends who are at work today about New Years Plans (none of which involve Ryan Gosling or Aspen)
10:30 - Remember huge speech made last night about working out with Denise Austin at 7:30am, then make second mental note to call doctor about mono screening.
11:00am - contemplate going to the bagel store for freshly made bagel (freshly made at 6am).
11:33 - typing this post

Later on my day will consist of:
12:00pm- finally getting bagel and taking a ride in my dad's car while listening to the radio since I do not own Kenny Loggins Greatest Hits (but oh how I would if I could)
12:30pm - shower, get dressed (straighten hair, put on make up, bronzer since god did not make me a Ralph Lauren model!)
1:30 - 2 - do some work related stuff
2 - 5 shopping with mom at H&M and the mall, return top to Macy's, buy perfume, get manicure/pedicure at salon where the Asian man has a foot fetish that I could care less about because at least he spends 45 minutes on my feet.
Sometime after dinner - take the LIRR home to my chauffeur driven taxi cab.

Posted by saraisloco at 11:22 AM | Permalink | Comments

My dilemma at this particular moment is what to wear out tomorrow night. Though our plans are sort of loose and we may or may not end up having people over, I'm still baffled by what to wear. I have this adorable gold top and wanted to pair with it a black mini and my black knee high boots. But then there's a part of me that wants to wear comfy jeans and a cute top. Also - I am home at my parents today and going shopping with my mom which spells trouble. Last time we went shopping (Monday) I racked up $250 worth of purchases at Old Navy and Marshall's (yeah that Pony zip up was definitely worth $16.99, especially since it didn't have the traditional red mark-down line through the tag) Though I did buy a shit load of stuff, wasn't I just crying about how I need to start saving money to buy a condo or an apartment since I'm 27 now and have to start growing up? Yeah I didn't remember saying that either. Fuck it - let's go shopping Vaz!

Posted by saraisloco at 10:38 AM | Permalink | Comments

While in Key West, Angela, Annie, and I were treated to a special show put on by none other than Rootie Kazootie himself. This "show" didn't involve detective work so much as it involved orange safety cones being thrown, loud yelling, drunk mumbling, and my personal favorite - wrought iron gate climbing.

You might be asking yourself at this moment, "Well where was Brandy when all this was occurring???!!".

I think only Rootie knows that for sure....jaunty cap and all.

Posted by saraisloco at 11:22 AM | Permalink | Comments

And yes those are real...mountains

Posted by saraisloco at 11:25 PM | Permalink | Comments

Lack of talent will get you everywhere....

Posted by saraisloco at 8:11 PM | Permalink | Comments

Not make the donuts. (RIP Michael Vale)

Today at work Danielle and I decided that we need to start trimming the fat in our lives. So here I go trim trim trimmery. I trim this and I trim that and also, I'm really fed up with dealing with certain people's antics and bs. Therefore I trim trimmery them out of my life as well. (alongside diet soda and butter)

Posted by saraisloco at 4:11 PM | Permalink | Comments

Can a Catholic girl find love on J Date?

Answer: I will let you know. Uh ah...I mean my "co-worker" will let you know. Ha ha Ha (cough cough silent tear)

Posted by saraisloco at 2:41 PM | Permalink | Comments

As the sun sets....again...and again

Posted by saraisloco at 9:00 AM | Permalink | Comments

to you and yours.....whatever and whoever that means.

PS - I've done nothing but eat and drink and open presents for the past three days. Thanks Christmas.

Posted by saraisloco at 10:26 AM | Permalink | Comments

There are some things in life you can fake. You can fake lashes, you can fake an orgasm, you can get into a fake-fight, and you can even fake and bake (fake tanning for you novices).

Some things though no matter how hard you try, are almost impossible to fake. Liking someone comes to mind. I mean you can pretend to like them I guess, but how long does that really last? Then there are the people you fake hate. The ones who really make you want to punch them in the genitals until they cry, but for some reason you truly can't stop liking them.

This is how I feel about Laguna Beach. There is a marathon on right now and I thought I was done with this god damn show. Jesus Christ I really did. But my mom is wrapping presents in the living room so I'm not allowed to leave this room and hence have been watching Laguna Beach for the past two hours (wow that's a lot of presents Vaz!) . I thought I was over you Laguna, but I think I was just faking it. Fo reals kid.

Posted by saraisloco at 6:15 PM | Permalink | Comments

Every girl's crazy about a sharped dressed man..in uniform.

I'm home at my parents and have been here since Thursday night. I think I ate my weight in penne ala vodka and so far have seen one cute film, "The Family Stone". I also finished up my Christmas shopping as of 3pm yesterday (a thank you), then took a two hour nap. What is it about this house that forces me to want to lay around all the time? It sure is cozy, but come on this getting regoddamndiculous. I learned to play this Japanese numbers game called sudoku which I suppose you can say I am now obsessed with. I can't wait to open up my presents tonight because I'm four, and I really can't wait to attack that bottle of Bailey's our neighbor dropped off because I have a problem with the alcohol.

I am also beginning to think long and hard about my resolutions. I'm sort of sick of some people wasting my time and energy and am fine to write them off. Not entirely but maybe not put forth so much effort. I need to make more money, start saving, and cut some people some slack. Like myself. Yeah I totally need to stop getting in my own way. Or as I like to call it - being up my own ass. Nah, cowboy I'm saving that especially for you. Smile it's Christmas.

Posted by saraisloco at 12:12 PM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by saraisloco at 1:13 PM | Permalink | Comments

Two ho's hanging tough aboard a pelican.

I am fucking losing my mind. I am so over this f*&king transit strike. So help me god I will murder the first MTA worker I see. (Because I'm sure they're all walking around the city in their uniforms) How the fuck am I getting home? My office has a shuttle bus but I needs to make a deposit at the bank. Should I just walk home? If that's the case then I'm leaving right now. I am losing my brain. I think I'm slowly morphing into Rudy Kazootie. I walked into someone's office before and stole three cookies off of their desk that someone else had made for them. Then I grab a cup from the poland spring jug and knocked the stack over and kicked them under the cabinent. Then I almost choked on my water. Karma is a bitch. Then you fingerbang her at the local AMC theater while watching "Dreamer" and she casts spells on you because you never email her to see how she's doing. Douche.

PS - I wish I were karma, sadly I'm not. Honestly if I was would I be in this piss poor place begging for my life right now? Yeah I didn't think so either.

Posted by saraisloco at 4:37 PM | Permalink | Comments

Why you dirty, filthy little glass candle holder...

Posted by saraisloco at 2:57 PM | Permalink | Comments

I feel as a child of a union worker (20 plus years and counting) that I should also say something about the MTA rat bastards in management. After having a nice chat with my dad on the phone before (where I verbally attacked the union) he calmly and eloquently pointed out both sides. So now I also hate you MTA management for being a bunch of cheap pricks who keep raising fares and yet somehow still do not have enough money to make the L train run on most weekends. Yeah fuck both sides. I'm still fucking cold and my poor sister has been waiting on a line at the Forest Hills LIRR station for the past two hours. This is a civilized city (aside from a few chimps who do bad comedy in a sideways baseball cap and overalls). Can't we all just get along? Or at the very least have the homeless carry us on piggy back or in rickshaws? Hey if it was good enough for Seinfeld surely it's good enough for this one.

Posted by saraisloco at 11:19 AM | Permalink | Comments

This chimp isn't wrong, he's just pissed because he wants to retire at 40 and get paid seventy grand to operate a fucking subway.

We really should replace all the MTA workers with either chimps in conductor attire or robots. In the year 2060 this will happen. Mark my words.

But for now, I just walked across the width of Manhattan and up 20 blocks. So everyone standing by the big rat in Washington Heights can really suck it. Hard. Joke's on you bastards. I'm just passing time with my big chimp.

Posted by saraisloco at 10:40 AM | Permalink | Comments

except that I love you. No really, I love you.

Posted by saraisloco at 2:59 PM | Permalink | Comments

More pics to follow. I love you girls more than you will ever know.

xoxoxo,
SJ

Posted by saraisloco at 10:30 AM | Permalink | Comments

I just found this photo on Brandy's flickr page and almost wet myself. WHAT?! Seriously. Sire please. I really think this is what Brandy and I would have looked like at the age of 7. Of course we'd be little singing whores. Singing some trashy torch ballad like "Memory" or "As Long as He Needs Me" to one another. I'm clearly the one in the pink who looks like Jon Benet. Brandy, the one in the cool rocker chick attire with the gold lame belt. This is before her hair learned to curl. Or her mom straightened it for her. Whichevs. I'm looking at her as if to say, "Hey bitch, step on my line again and this mike goes right up your ass." She looks as if she's about to give the mike head.


Simple and classy - that's us.

Posted by saraisloco at 2:50 PM | Permalink | Comments

This time manana I will be down in Key West with three of my favorite ladies: Miss Altuna, Miss Chessin, and Miss Barber. I have yet to pack but mentally have made a list of what to bring. Which includes but is not limited to the following choices of ensemble:

1) my black reefs
2) three bikinis - the black one, the light blue one, the halter one
3) two pairs of shorts (that suspiciously DON'T make me look like a lesbian camp counselor. Thank you Abercrombie. I always knew you were good for something)
4) miscellaneous tank tops and wife beaters (Oh Rozzi don't go yelling at me now for saying the words wife and beater)
5) my camera (A DOY!)
6) lotions, aloe, my sarong
7) skirts and maybe one pair of open-toe heels though I know I will wear my reefs with everything.
8) One book that I most likely will not read because we will all be talking and gossiping too much
9) AND MORE!


The list really goes on and on. I'm prepared though. I've been there before. I know what to expect. I know that when you bring a Betsey Johnson dress you brought specifically for that one night you'll get dressed up, ends up staying in the dry cleaning bag in the back of the closet. I'm aware that when you're waiting to the last minute to pack, but made a point to have your ipod updated with ten Jimmy Buffet songs nine days before you go, clearly shows that you have your priorities in order. (thus proving many other areas in your life where you've also "missed the boat' in order to be drunk or to watch "Making the Band") Priorities Schmanorities. Fuck it all I say! I'm going to Key West bitches!

Posted by saraisloco at 2:31 PM | Permalink | Comments

I cannot stop eating Christmas cookies. I have them in a tupperwear container in one of the cabinets above my desk. Every so often I will get an urge, stand up, open the cabinet, and shove about three of them in my mouth. I will then sit back down on my fat ass and continue to type. A few minutes later I can actually feel the butter clogging my already over-clogged arteries, my ass growing like the infant in "Honey I Blew up the Baby!", and then I pout for a few minutes before standing up and re-enacting this entire transaction all over again.

Someone came up to my desk before and said, "Oh you baked cookies?" and I replied, "Yeah but they are a gift for someone otherwise I'd totally share". (while brushing crumbs of an enormous peanut butter hershey's kiss cookie off my sweater)

I totally wouldn't share. Obviously. Instead I sit here typing away and looking busy. All the while a pound of sugar and lard is singing "Sara". And no not the Bob Dylan version but the Jefferson Starship one OF COURSE. I'm like Calista Flockhart in that Lifetime : Families in Crisis movie, "The Secret Life of Mary-Margaret: Portrait of a Bulimic". Except instead of binge eating in the back of my mom's volvo, I'm doing it with my head inside of the cabinent.

Supersonic.

Posted by saraisloco at 3:14 PM | Permalink | Comments

Last night after grabbing a burger with a friend at Paul's on St. Marks, we trekked over to my own personal version of Xanadu - a Japanese mini-mart. At first we were frightened by the display of noodles atop pudding, the green tea cake in the shape of a turd, the porn section in the back. Then after purchasing a cup of green tea (to soothe my raspy thanks to a virus throat) we went downstairs to the actual market and slowly walked around taking in all the lotions, eyelash curlers, rice packets, noodles, and deep fryers with eyes a wonder. Yes my friends, this is where you will be able to find me if ever I'm lost. At one point I had my eyes closed and was humming the sweet sounds of the rapper K Dub Shine, when my friend came up to me and announced that he really wasn't joking when he said he liked this song. I nodded in agreement.

If anyone claims that they like Japanese culture more - I challenge you two Muji pens and a Greeting Life Inc. mini desk calendar with a twist of Baby Star noodles and a cup of Yuzen Washi Origami paper!! (And yes my life is this sad that I'm now betting people that I like Japan more. Way to bring it home Allocco. Way to bring it home. )

And PS family and friends: Wondering what to get Sara for her birthday and/or Christmas this year? Well then look no further than a Hello Kitty eyebrown grooming kit and a batch of Strawberry Pocky.

A THANK A YOU!!!

Posted by saraisloco at 10:07 AM | Permalink | Comments

1) Make Christmas cookies with Vaz.
2) Eat something
3) Find turquoise earrings I bought in Peru. (I suspect they are stuffed in a pocket in one of my many handbags)
4) Find nail file and give self manicure.
5) Mourn the passing of Richard Pryor by watching "The Toy".
6) Pack for Key West (!!!)
7) Go over finances (BOO HOO)
8) Stop double-booking self
9) Start Christmas shopping
10) Pick up Danielle's dress at dry cleaners that I dropped off on October 12th

Posted by saraisloco at 10:21 AM | Permalink | Comments

I used to think the line was "Tried to play me out like my name was Vader" as in Darth Vader.

And used to as in up until a month ago.

Posted by saraisloco at 3:36 PM | Permalink | Comments

Me in three minutes

Posted by saraisloco at 4:43 PM | Permalink | Comments

One of my dear friends was recently set up on a blind date with a chode. What followed was the worst 45 minute "cocktail" she had ever grabbed. What is a chode? Well Websters may not know, but lucky for you I do:

1) If you went to an Ivy League school and then brag about it to me - You are a chode

2) If you think Thomas Pink is a god - You are a chode

3) If you ask to meet me for drinks, I get a beer and you get some prissy cocktail - You are a chode

4) If you claim to love going out to "clubs" in the Meatpacking District then scoff at me for enjoying a seedy bar with a jukebox - You are a chode

5) If you quote "Caddy Shack" or "Old School" and you were not part of either cast, nor a writer - Then you are a chode

6) If you only go to the Hamptons between Memorial Day and Labor Day because any other time the "locals" presence is too much for your flat little ass to bare - Douchnozzle, you are a chode.

7) If you are constantly checking your cell phone while we meet, return from the bathroom with some white powder on your nose, or work out religiously - chode, chode, chode.

8) If you "think you can dance" and this means you have your tie open like a giant ape while drunkenly slapping my ass on the dance floor- Do I even need to say it chode?

9) If you laugh at me for having a roommate because your wall street dick money bought you a condo where you will continue to live alone until some tramp who spends Daddy's money at Intermix will finally live with you because you bought her a 3 carat- Sire you are a chode (and she's a chodette)

10) If you live in Murray Hill or the Upper East Side and once a week visit Joshua Tree, Mercury Lounge, or Dorrian's Red Hand - Then either you're a chode or Robert Chambers.

Seriously, don't be a Chode.

Posted by saraisloco at 11:09 AM | Permalink | Comments

Stayed home sick again today (and even had a note from my doctor ordering me to do so). Am on some sort of medicine, which everytime I take I thank the gods of health insurance that I didn't pay $110 for it. Are they nuts??!! Come on!

Took a bunch of naps. Watched a bunch of bad television. Saw "Derailed" in Union Square. Though you'd never know I was actually in Union Square what with all the infants crying, blunt smoking, and cell phone usage that surrounded me. And yes, they are nuts.

Oh and my laptop has a virus. That whore. Who have you been sleeping with you Dell Inspiron little tramp? WHAT?! How dare you ask me the same thing. This is a cold I received from being run down! Fine! See if I call the Dell Support desk tomorrow to try to get you some help!

Great, now we're both sick and not speaking. What are we, dating?

Posted by saraisloco at 1:52 PM | Permalink | Comments

I am sick. I think it may be strep. Or it may be a really nasty little bug that has been floating around. Perhaps this is what I deserve for burning the candle at both ends. I don't really get what that means but I'll take it. I'm also taking donations of Mad Libs, crayons (the 64 box - none of that 8 box shit), one Barbie coloring book and assorted flavors of Gatorade.....because I'm eight.

Also - I've taken comfort in listening to my itunes. Playing right now: "Glory of Love" what else people? And back off naysayers. I fucking LOVE this god damn song. So suck it.

Posted by saraisloco at 11:10 AM | Permalink | Comments

I just heard one of my favorite songs from 9th grade, "Linger" by The Cranberries. I used to write these lyrics in my notebook in Earth Science. Why? Because I was, and still am a little gayish.

Posted by saraisloco at 4:39 PM | Permalink | Comments

My pretty princess Brandy fell down the fucking stairs on Saturday night. She is okay (thank god). I hear the bruises got worse but last night she actually looked sort of hot with her fat lip. Seriously, bitches pay to look that good.

I love you Brandy. But next time, don't slip on your own banana peel sire.

Posted by saraisloco at 2:48 PM | Permalink | Comments

God damn blogger. My page is all messed up. To see more pics of the Saturday night shenanigans please look no further than the bottom of this page. Seriously, can someone please tell me why my page does that sometimes? Such a fickle bitch I tell you.

*Special thanks to Ang's mom for getting us this delicious cake which at one point I ate with a gi-normous spoon. Then I threw some at the bitchy bartender because it was 4:30am and she asked us to leave. How dare she.

Posted by saraisloco at 2:26 PM | Permalink | Comments

Maybe this is a good time to thank everyone who came and shared in the joy (and at times horror) at the always accommodating and lovely Tai Lounge. Thanks dudes.

Posted by saraisloco at 1:05 PM | Permalink | Comments

SIRE PLEASE! What the fuck happened on Saturday night? All I know is that I am still so beat up from it that I am considering abstaining from booze for a while. This will obviously not happen until maybe January. But clearly I am a woman with a plan.

PS - Pictures to follow shortly.

Posted by saraisloco at 11:14 AM | Permalink | Comments

Am I a fucking dog trainer? No? That's not what I do for a living? Hmm. Well then how come lately when it comes to dealing with certain people in my life, do I feel as though I am training them to be more aware of how to handle relationships with the opposite sex? And for the record - none of these boneheads knows how to jump through a hoop. To all the dogs I just insulted, you are way smarter.

Posted by saraisloco at 1:44 PM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by saraisloco at 1:26 PM | Permalink | Comments

Gonna see if you can run it.

Posted by saraisloco at 10:45 AM | Permalink | Comments

A HUGE thanks to everyone who came out last night to see me and Miss Barber in "Character: People You Wouldn't Invite to Dinner" at Mo Pitkins. You are all wonderful and we love you. We love Lianne and Carolyn for asking us to be part of it, and Drew for playing our "token guy" role.

I am getting way too excited for the Holiday soiree on the 3rd. So excited that me and my ladies who are hosting it, cannot stop emailing one another back and forth about what to wear, what music to download onto our ipods for the dj booth, and which boys we want to make out with. Hooray for parties!

Posted by saraisloco at 11:32 AM | Permalink | Comments