Dear Tom,
As I write this plea, I am inhaling a cup of matzo-ball soup from the diner. It's a little buttery but overall pretty satisfying, and thank you for asking. We need to talk about your engagement to Katie. Now Tom, I know you're a thespian and passionate about your craft, life, and love - but honestly isn't this all a bit too much?? The couch-acrobatics, the endless smooches, the phrases you're throwing out, like "Katie's awesome", "That's hot", "I like women". They're just all proving to be too much of a charade to take. No one believes you. Enough with your lies. Now, it's totally cool if you aren't in fact gay, and actually do enjoy the females. Yes I said it Tom. I'm fine with it! (in spite of the fact that for years I've been telling anyone who will listen that you are gay but whatevs) So you like Katie, that's sweet and all but you're putting on such an act that it's making everyone skeptical of whether this "love" is real or fake. I opt for the latter because as it would seem to me dear Thomas, it is very coincidental that you have a huge summer blockbuster coming out and want to appeal to the kids, now that the ladies who you once made wet with "Risky Business", and even "Jerry Maguire" are all either nearing menopause or have discovered that you're short, sort of faggy, and that scientology isn't their bag. (this group includes me!) Therefore, you have to reach the next demographic of "kids" who shop at Abercrombie, drive Jettas, and have actually wasted countless hours of their lives watching "Dawson's Creek". I have three words for you - Creepy Old Man. Yes Tommy Boy, you are slowly becoming a creepy old man.
Oh and while I'm pretty much cutting you down I figured that I'll launch into why I don't plan on seeing your movie: I don't buy you as a dock-worker from New Jersey (or New York - whatever). You don't play blue collar very well.** That little troll Dakota Fanning should retire now before she starts doing lines in the bathroom of Marquee with Lohan and Ritchie. Spielberg is insane and so is his no-talent ass clown of a wife. I personally don't need to see yet another film where natural disaster in NYC is the highlight. Hey if I wanted to see building crumble and fire-engines overturned or smashed, I'd just watch some archives from September 11th. And don't make me go there Tom. Trust me, you do not want to piss this bitch off.
Hugs, Kisses, Medicine, and L. Ron Hubbard,
Sara Jo
** Unless of course you are joined by C Thomas Howell, Emilio Estevez, Patrick Swayze, Ralph Macchio, and Matt Dillon.
