SARA IS LOCO

In the game of Life, I once was a rock n roll star (complete with mohawk) who had been impregnated by a surgeon which then produced several nice homes, cars, and three pink sticks and two blue ones. (what can I say we were banging like little bunnies) Fast forward 15 or so years and I'm not playing in a rock n roll band. I've never dated a surgeon, let alone a guy that works in a hospital. I'm having a hard time picturing five children squeezing out of my small short frame, and the nearest thing I have to owning a car is if you placed a 'd' at the end it, then add the words monthly & metro in front of it.

But am I happy? Hells yeah. So happy that I'm going to pretend that I just didn't stick three pink hundred dollar bills in my wallet which I will then try to use on some poor hapless foreigner in a bodega in exchange for one forty of Old English as I am once again broke from this so called rock n roll lifestyle I claim to live.

And they said I could be a winner at the game of Life. Could? As far as I'm concerned, I've already won. So suck it Milton Bradley.

Posted by saraisloco at 5:30 PM | Permalink | Comments

Wow. What a wonderfully relaxing weekend I had. Great beach weather, which is exactly where I headed. Beautiful. Ate too much. Drank too much. Nice.

Oh this picture? Just Paddy Jo and the infamous RIP TAYLOR!!! Don't they look like they were separated at birth??? (give or take 45 years between them) Please note - Rip is wearing a Burberry scarf....and it's 80 degrees out!

Sadly, no confetti spotted.

Posted by saraisloco at 9:57 AM | Permalink | Comments

Wow! As I begin to type this entry "Bad Girls" by Donna Summer, is playing on my radio. It's official - summer is here folks! Time to eat hot dogs, toast marshmallows, head to the beach, take advantage of half day Fridays, and wear cute skirts and tanks. Let us not forget the flip flops. Never forget the flip-flops.

Ah right...and veterans or something. Let's not forget them either.

Posted by saraisloco at 11:44 AM | Permalink | Comments

You said it Jordy. You know what else is tough? Living a lifestyle that you can't afford. Yeah I said it.

I was just balancing my checkbook and dear lord, even when I try really hard to save money - I CAN'T DO IT!!! What the fuck??!! Okay, maybe in the past (i.e.. 2004) my rent was $200 cheaper, but does it really make that much of a difference? Um, yeah I guess it does. This is okay. I can do this. I will just need to re-finance my credit card and try to see how long I can go without picking up my dry cleaning ($50 tab right there). Maybe I shouldn't spend $100 on my hair. But as I see it - I'd rather have my hair looking nice then my winter sweaters...oh and Annie's top. Shit. Annie, your top.

Does anyone know how much they pay you for your eggs? Anyone? Anyone?

Posted by saraisloco at 1:24 PM | Permalink | Comments

Alright Tom, I'm not buying it. I really just don't believe that you are that head over heels with Joey from "Dawson's Creek". Sure she's cute. Sure she's a piece of a. But isn't she missing something Tom? You know, like a penis?

Oh and by the way - I LOVE taking medicine and going to the doctor....jealous??!

Posted by saraisloco at 3:37 PM | Permalink | Comments

I take the L train every single morning to and from work. I like it. Really I do. But there's something retarded at the 14th street stop. There is a ramp with a sign that says "Not Wheelchair Accessible". Yet there's a ramp. If I were in a wheelchair, this bitch would be pissed. Why build a ramp if you're only going to put stairs at the end of it?? It's like dangling a 'sugar-free" chocolate cake in front of a diabetic and then yelling "PSYCH!!!". Okay I probably could have used a better example, but you know what - I want some fucking chocolate cake right now. Oh MTA.

Posted by saraisloco at 3:27 PM | Permalink | Comments

These three people I am pictured with made me laugh and smile not once, but several times last night. Kevin's laugh is infectious; Anne does soft-shoe like you've never seen; Brandy is my rock.

If I were gay I'd date them all.
That right, I said all.

Posted by saraisloco at 3:16 PM | Permalink | Comments

Saw on gawker that E! outed the end of the road for Nick and Jessica - then took it back. Gee. Good luck kids. This one's built to last.

If you've been reading my blog you must have noticed that I haven't written in a few days. Well I'm in my own personal hell week, but that's all about to change....because I started smoking more weed. Just kidding. Wish I wasn't though.

Posted by saraisloco at 12:26 AM | Permalink | Comments

Was it really that necessary for me last night to take a postcard of some lame-ass all girl comedy group (pictured wearing tube tops no less), rip it to shreds, then pretend that I just shat it out of my ass?

Um, yes. Yes it was.

Posted by saraisloco at 2:44 PM | Permalink | Comments

I'll never sit quietly and let other people sing
I'll never not tell you what's really bothering me
I'll never think I'm perfect
I'll never love for money
I'll never let someone walk all over me
I'll never stop thinking that my family is insane
I'll never stop loving my family
I'll never be okay with ambiguity
I'll never learn how to date properly
I'll never have more than enough patience
I'll never be bored
I'll never settle for simple, easy, and ordinary
I'll never change for another person
I'll never stick around when I can be somewhere else more exciting

Posted by saraisloco at 1:06 PM | Permalink | Comments

KARAOKE SONGFEST HAPPENING TONIGHT PEOPLE!!! There will be candies, beers, mai tais, a lot of hogging of the microphone courteousy of Sara & Brandy, and perhaps that midget in the sombrero who sometimes makes an appearance at Winnies.

SONG LIST AS OF RIGHT NOW:
1) Insensitive - Jan Arden
2) He's So Shy - Pointer Sisters
3) Look Away - Chicago
4) Saving All My Love For You - Whitney
5) Hold the Line - Toto
6) Hopelessly Devoted to You - Grease
7) Could Have Been - Tiffany
8) Separate Lives - Journey
9) Back in Baby's Arms - Patsy Cline
10) Open Your Heart - Madonna

Now, the list doesn't end at 10. Sorry folks. I'm just getting warmed up.

Pictures and stories of debauchery to follow...I mean what else do you expect when you get a room full of friends, alcohol, Cantonese singers, wine smuggled in my purse, and did I mention Brandy and Sara fighting for the microphone??!! (that's right - even from complete strangers)

Good times.

Posted by saraisloco at 3:32 PM | Permalink | Comments

Allow me to tell you a little bit about my morning. Sara didn't get that much sleep. Sara was awake on the hour, every hour, since 1am. Sara was not a very happy camper this morning.

So, I apologize now for giving Jamal and Leroy nasty looks on my way into Starbucks. Sorry guys, but shorty just didn't want to smile.

Posted by saraisloco at 10:46 AM | Permalink | Comments

Need to quickly thank everyone who was involved in our little shoot on Saturday. We had perfect weather and a perfect cast and crew. Big ups to: Giulia, Matthew, Rob, Patrick, Quinton, my mom, my sister Aimee, Pearl, Astaire and of course our amazing crew: Jon Halverson and Matt Sears. Everyone was amazing and I had such a great time. Stay tuned for the debut of "Puppy Love" which will be shown during "CALENDARIZE" (Saturdays in June, 11pm @ The PIT)

If I didn't say it enough then I'll say it again, "And we can build this dream together. Standing strong forever. Nothing's gonna stop us now!"

I love you guys!

Posted by saraisloco at 10:44 AM | Permalink | Comments

There was a little bit of panic surrounding the loss of our beloved Pee-Wee on Wednesday night. Brandy and I were distraught over our loss. So much so, that we were barely able to inhale a cup full of Pomes Frites last night. We thought our little gay-cowboy was gone forever.

Then this morning at about 8am I got the text from brandy - FOUND PEE-WEE, it read. Tears began to swell up in my eyes. Thank you god for his safe return back into our arms. May he never wander off again....even if it's for a quickie with some cat named Smokey.

We love you Pee-Wee

Posted by saraisloco at 2:37 PM | Permalink | Comments

My friend Porter mentioned recently that it's a HUGE deal if a guy makes a girl a mix. It shows that he really, really, really likes her or something. In my history of dating (boys, men, whatever) I have probably had four or five of them make me a mix. Back in the day, there were mix tapes (or as my sister Aimee and I liked to call them - Mixed Cutz) now a days it's the standard burned CD.

Let me also point out that although Porter said it was a big deal, it didn't necessarily mean that they "didn't like you" if they didn't make you one. But if they did - then they really like you.

If I were to have a boy say, oh I don't know...make me a mix tape (save the cd's for 22 year old college kids who care) here is what I would like him to put on it:

1) Flake - Jack Johnson
2) Ooh Baby I love Your Way -Peter Frampton
3) Sara Smile - Hall & Oats
4) Anything by Keane
5) Anything by Donna Summer
6) Make Believe - Toto
7) I Can't Fight This Feeling - REO Speedwagon
8) Modern Love -Bloc Party
9) I'll Melt With You - Modern English
10) All I Want is You - U2
11) Lovely Day - Bill Withers
12) Dreaming - Blondie

Posted by saraisloco at 10:15 AM | Permalink | Comments

I am rarely disappointed in people, places, or things. In 1995 I had the pleasure of meeting Jon Stewart outside of where the failed "The Jon Stewart Show" was filmed. I went with my friend Dot and we were really gay and thought it would be cool to wear Burger King Crowns to stand out in the audience. Hey guess what? It wasn't.

This was one of those moments in my life where I genuinely felt disappointed. I remember having the tickets for two months and every day playing it over and over in my mind how he'd see me stand out in the crowd, make eye contact, and then ask for my number after the show. Then we'd be "friends" in that Amy Fisher/Joey Buttafuco way - only to announce to the media, our families and friends three years later (when I was legal) that Jon and I had fallen in love. People, these are not the thoughts of a long Island lolita. These are in fact the thoughts of a 15 year-old girl...who happened to be a wee bit insane.

We waited in line, chose our seats, laughed louder than most, as I desperately tried to make eye contact. When that didn't work I decided to yell out "Jon I love you!" to which he replied "I love you too...now where's my gun?" (insert audience laughter)

We waited for him to come out of the building and I basically attacked him and demanded that he take a picture with me and my ugly thrift store coat and lady bug backpack. I recall him smelling like aftershave and hand soap. 'Well at least his washes his hands after he takes a dump', I thought.

We lingered around a bit more until finally there was no reason to linger anymore....because he left.

I remember as a wave of sadness flushed over me, I thought "What the fuck? That's it? No number exchange. No sexy eye glance. Nothing??!!" I mean seriously, what did I expect to happen? Did I really think that Jon Stewart would see me as anything other than a dorky 15 year-old in an oversized coat and ladybug backpack? Actually yes. Yes I did. This might be the reason why I have since then, decided to make up tiny relationships with boys in my mind, then feel slightly crushed when they don't come to fruition. You know, since they never really existed?

Posted by saraisloco at 9:44 AM | Permalink | Comments

1) If you are in last place and have no money - do not fret. There is always the chance that one of the other teams got a flat tire, a sprained ankle, bad cab driver, or into a fight.

2) If you happen to be dating a POW and ask him about your future and he says he wants to take things slow and not rush into marriage: best not to tell him that he got out of being in the military by becoming a POW. Therefore, he can't possibly know how to commit to anything. Smooth.

3) Just because the two brothers might be fit and young and you're an old annoying couple - don't think they have the advantage and pray that their humvee rolls over.

4) If you are over 65 - DO NOT take the physical challenge and instead use your brain....even if you're borderline Alzheimer's.

5) Don't pretend that you're not fascinated by how Phil gets everywhere so quickly.

6) Read directions.

7) If possible, use the clout from your "Survivor" win to make foreigners do things for you.

8) If you are begging in an airport - tell them that you're on the race and not just a crazy homeless couple in running shorts.

9) It's not okay to shave your long blonde locks unless you happen to have a weave.

10) Keep refering to one another as "baby" and every mission shall be completed!

Posted by saraisloco at 12:17 PM | Permalink | Comments

Random Thoughts and Confessions:

1)There is a man I work with who looks exactly like Chris Martin AND he's British. Yum yum yum. Sadly, he's married and has a small child.

2) Sometimes if there is a mirror and you are standing next to it, I will look at myself talking to you in the mirror. My roommate caught me doing this once.

3) The first boy I ever kissed is gay.

4) I have never seen any of the Godfather's OR Goodfellas. But I did see Carrot Top's "Chairman of the Board" twice...

5) I pretend I hate drama in relationships but think I might secretly crave it to spice things up.

6) I once lied to a nun and told her that my mom was pregnant, my sister was Madonna, and that I had been to India. I was six.

7) I sometimes miss this dead beat skater boy I used to make out with five years ago because he wore his heart on his sleeve and knew how to tell a joke.

8) I have not fully forgiven myself for something that I should have forgiven myself for months ago.

9) I still sometimes act like a 12 year-old when I don't get my own way.

10) My most frequently songs played on my Ipod are: We Belong Together (Mariah Carey), Could Have Been (Tiffany), and It's Over (Lindsay Lohan) It's official - I'm lame AND apparently sappy.

Posted by saraisloco at 10:16 AM | Permalink | Comments

I have decided that I need to marry a doctor. And not because they earn a good living (what is this 1958?) but because my future doctor/husband will be able to diagnose me of all of my hypochondriac like symptoms. No more running to appointments - hubby can handle it!

This just occurred to me while on the way to my doctors this morning, following what I believed to be were symptoms of a heart attack.

note to self: never self diagnose via the internet....ever.

Posted by saraisloco at 3:29 PM | Permalink | Comments

I fucking love this picture that Brandy took of me trying to get Quinton's attention by acting all lady-like. Notice the closed eyes and 'could care less' expression on his face (not to mention the 40 of Bud clenched in his hands). This picture just screams out :LOOK AT ME I'M DANCING!!

Would you believe that this trick has yet to work on a man??!! Fags.

Posted by saraisloco at 10:45 PM | Permalink | Comments

So lately there's been a lot of talk about this munchkin from "Wizard of Oz" who wrote a book or something. I dunno I've seen it in a few papers or on Gawker or something. Any who when I spotted him I noticed him as the same munchkin I met at a mall in Nashville in August of 2001. Notice how tan I was back then. Sigh. And bloated in those tight Banana Republic pants and my favorite pilgrim slut shoes. I also LOVED that fucking necklace I'm wearing and sadly had it stolen (?) or lost it at The Osprey after one too many Malibu pineapples.

Ah yes, my last summer of freedom where all I did was lay out at my beach house, drink, eat, and apparently hang out with the Coroner from Oz.

Now those were the days.

Posted by saraisloco at 8:43 PM | Permalink | Comments

Taking a cab home after meeting my sister at lunch, and who do I spot strutting across 6th Avenue? Well if you guessed Scott Baio then you're an idiot. ERIC NEIS of course!! Yes the same Eric who occupied some space with Heather B, danced like magic on MTV's The Grind, and just recently won a shitload of cash on one of those Battle of Real World losers shows. My god, there was a time when I would have thrown myself out of the cab and drop and rolled into his arms.

This time is what we call 1991.

Posted by saraisloco at 5:03 PM | Permalink | Comments

I think that this picture of me and Dan is just adorable. Debbie took it at the last "Mortified" show. Dan's playing the guitar and Ima singing a song about a boy I liked in highschool...who didn't like me. Sigh.

And yes Harvey - that's you and the lovely Mrs. sitting in front!

Posted by saraisloco at 11:43 AM | Permalink | Comments

That's the main culprit of my naughty behavior Friday night (on Brandy's left hand) It was like a thundercats ring...only magical.

*naughty in a mischievous way - not a slutty way....against my chagrin really.

Posted by saraisloco at 4:20 PM | Permalink | Comments

What??!! Cameron and Justin supposedly planning a weekend wedding in Nice, France? Nice Justin. Nice. No pun intended. Well, okay maybe a small one.

How dare you by the way! I mean, Cameron didn't you once say that you didn't believe in marriage?? And Justin....sweet adorable little bunny Justin - I thought we had a connection. And this goes beyond the retraining order you fed me. No order can restrain the love I feel for you my love (cut to Chaka Khan's "I Feel for You", then to me running away from your big burly bodyguards)

Miss Diaz, I hope it will not be a white wedding considering your track record. One word - Leto. Need I say more....whore???!!

Okay. Hey. Alright stop walking away you two....I'm sorry. I hope you two have a wonderful life together. One that's sure to out live Britney and Federtrash.

Well maybe by a month.

Posted by saraisloco at 10:04 AM | Permalink | Comments

Here's the point of the night when we all reached that inevitable point of no return.

Don't even think about singing it Expose. It's too late. I'm already there....

Posted by saraisloco at 4:09 PM | Permalink | Comments

These are our friends. They come alive and talk to us. They are naughty.

Their names are Pee-Wee and Claude. And if you insult their owners they will pee on your bed and claw your eyes out....no wait.....that's Brandy and Sara.

Posted by saraisloco at 3:20 PM | Permalink | Comments

Or do they? Here I am on drink 4 of the fancy French beer. Who knew that a tiny percentage of my ancestors made cool delicious beers and such. I sure as hell didn't.

Cut to me lying on the floor of my bedroom in my underwear singing Snoop Dog and demanding to the imaginary person beside me to "Drop it like it's hot".

Oh Sara Jo.....oh Sara Jo.

Posted by saraisloco at 10:55 AM | Permalink | Comments