SARA IS LOCO

I am hung over. And my voice sounds like I digested a box of rocks last night. Hmm, note to self: it's really not that cool to smoke two cigerettes and then to announce to people at a party that it's cool because you had thyroid cancer.

Also not so cool: doing two free shots with the cute bartender, then asking him, "is that the best you can do??", right after he's given you and your friends two rounds of french beer for free.
Well if it wasn't for the "Meet The Barkers" marathon and the fancy musical stylings of Bloc Party, I might still be in bed..dreaming of french beer and corned beef hash. hmmmm....hash.

Posted by saraisloco at 3:30 PM | Permalink | Comments

This summer I've made a pact with myself to learn how to swim properly. No more of this doggie paddle, wading in the shallow end, and occasional Dolphin Ride shit that I like to pull. I'm gonna git me some lessons and become the next Michael Phelps (minus the six pack, Speedo, and DWIs). Now please understand that as a child lessons were offered. In fact both of my sisters are excellent swimmers....well okay maybe just Aimee. It's not that I couldn't take them - just didn't want to. I thought it was much more important to re-enact scenes form "The Sound of Music" with my swimming coach then to learn how to keep myself afloat. 20 years later I am sort of regretting that decision. So I went ahead and began to price some lessons at Chelsea Piers but sadly they turned out to cost as much as a month of rent. Hmm...swimming - shelter? I know it's a tough one, but in the end I ended up keeping the roof over my head.

I've heard that the Y's here in the city are nothing like the dingy ones back home (that you wouldn't DARE be caught going to) or the ones back in the 70's which resembled a Studio 54 coat check room riddled with gay sex...not that there's a thing wrong with that but I'd like to keep my cooter and bunghole off limits while I'm in a one piece - a thank you, a thank you. Dan even mentioned that the one in LA that he used to go to had celebrity clientele. (He knows me so well.) Imagine me swimming alongside the likes of such celebs as....Jason Biggs, Charlie O'Connell and Marsha Mason.

Oh who am I kidding - they could probably afford Chelsea Piers. Shitheads.

Posted by saraisloco at 12:26 PM | Permalink | Comments

It's no surprise that I can't always feel 100% while transitioning from having thyroid for the past 26 years, to now not having one. To take the place of my entire thyroid - one little pill. Yes. It is as scary (and yet fascinating) as it sounds. Well at least to me. I was put on the 100mg about two months ago and at first it was making me too hyper what will all of the panic attacks, weight loss (which I really don't mind), etc. Then I was put on 100mg but this time I was to take two 50mg pills instead of the one 100mg. Then I felt better. Then I finished my 50mg little pill bottle and decided I'd be fine to go back on the one solid 100mg pill. All was fine...until I had a panic attack while enjoying tapas at Xunta, one recent Saturday night. So then I got put on 88mg. Point of my story? 88mg sucks and I'd rather go back to feeling great and maybe a little hyper versus feeling tired and mopey all the time. It's amazing what one little pill can do.
This my friends is why I never did hard drugs and instead prefer the drug of alcohol and the occasional toke of the gonge.
Someday I'll get this thyroid thing right. Just you wait! But until then, I'll continue to lie in bed doing my best Liza impression demanding for more drugs to help lift me out of my "holy shit I married another gay man" styled depression. Ummmm, nice Allocco. Nice.

Posted by saraisloco at 11:44 AM | Permalink | Comments

Brandy has just alerted me that her friend knows Def Leppard's manager.

Why this has just been brought to my attention it not as important as the fact that I will soon be able to make my move....and stradle Mr. Elliot - who hopefully will be wearing yellow and black spandex leggings and a muscle t adorned with the British flag.

Soon my sweet. Soon.

Posted by saraisloco at 10:12 PM | Permalink | Comments

So who's spirits were just lifted thanks to some caffeine and a three-song Sir Elton set??? Oh this little one's.

In the order played:

1) Rocket Man
2) I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues (a great karaoke number to boot!)
3) I'm Still Standing (the universal anthem for children living with AIDS in 1985 - thanks Ryan White!)

Like a little mini Elton concert all for me....hey MINI!!

Posted by saraisloco at 3:52 PM | Permalink | Comments

There is this website called Post Secret that my friend Porter turned me onto. You really should check it out when you get a chance (But not right now...I'm still talking here peeps) Some of these postcards are inspiring, while others like the one pictured, make me sad. I don't know what my deal is but today the weather has me feeling a little melancholy. Also last night I had a weird dream about an ex from my past. It sort of started the morning off on a crappy start (when mixed with rain becomes a shitty morning)

So how am I making myself feel better???? Oh reading sad depressing posts on some blog where people convey deep dark secrets. Ha ha ha....cough cough (insert single tear)

Posted by saraisloco at 1:28 PM | Permalink | Comments

Who just spent the past ten minutes playing "American Idol" in her bedroom as she danced around in gray Old Navy sweats, a "Hollywood Cowgirl" glitter tank, and yellow striped socks to Celine Dion's "I Surrender"??? Oh that would be this fucking psycho.

Jesus Christ Allocco, get a fucking room already. (insert beating of chest ala Celine here)

Posted by saraisloco at 2:27 AM | Permalink | Comments

Here is the picture my mom submitted to CBS of our little precious angel, Pearlie McDimples. This picture doesn't do her justice - she is ADORABLE! Please also notice the karate dog costume I purchased for her while in Tokyo.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to go find my life....I'm sure it's around here somewhere...

Posted by saraisloco at 8:21 AM | Permalink | Comments

Dear Marcus,

Hi. I am watching you on a rerun of "The Sureal Life". Right now you are comforting Chynadoll because she's a drunk who's boyfriend abuses her. I'm not a drunk and I've never been abused...so you wanna hang out sometime?

I have this friend who only dates guys from Europe...I usually try to date guys who have a savings account. But I'd be willing to forgo it if it meant we could cuddle while you tell me 'bout all the good times you had with Verne Troyer.

I think the Wilson sisters said it best when they sang, "How do I get you alone? How do I get you alone? ALOOOOONNNNE"

Call me when your career takes another nosedive. Until then - sweet dreams my sweet little foreign pickle.

Posted by saraisloco at 11:47 PM | Permalink | Comments

Special thanks to Miss Brandy barber for being such a good sport, and always making sure to lurk where appropriate.

I love ya girl!

Posted by saraisloco at 11:06 AM | Permalink | Comments

On my way to go rehearse my little bit for "Mortified" and thought I'd share two mentions that we received this weekend:

Gawker - www.gawker.com
Sunday:
· LA-based comedy collective Mortified find humor in reading embarrasing diary entries, awful poetry, and hearbreaking tales of personal woe on stage. Go laugh at how marginally better your life is than theirs at The Tank tonight.

FlavorPill - www.nycflavorpill.net
Whoever said humor is based on the pain of others may well have had Mortified in mind. This LA-sprung comedic collective takes schadenfreude to a whole new level as its performers bravely bare their souls — just for kicks. Alone on a spotlighted stage, these folks share their desperate diary entries, very bad poetry, and unattainable dreams of happiness, as well as heartbreakingly hilarious tales of personal woe and social catastrophe. From the embarrassing to the eternally horrifying, all-too-human foibles and fumbles finally get their chance to shine. (SND)

Hooray for cool mentions! (and matzoh!!... but that's a different entry for a different day)

Posted by saraisloco at 6:14 PM | Permalink | Comments

Below is a recent transcript of a dialogue that occurred via email between me, my mom, and my sister. In it we are trying to decide which picture to submit of our dog into a photo contest with Dave Price from CBS News.

We may, just in fact be a little insane. Guys - if you plan on marrying my sister or myself, just know that this is a snippet of what you have to look forward to.

Also: please note the part where I describe my Pomeranian as a "little girl". Creepy.


From: Mom
Sent: Thursday, April 21, 2005 1:29 PM
To: Sara Allocco; Aimee Allocco;
What do you think of this pom that has been entered into the CBS dog show? I am going to need a really awesome pic of pearlie to compete with that!!!

From: Sara Allocco
Sent: Thursday, April 21, 2005 1:26 PM
To: Mom; Aimee Allocco;
Subject: RE:
he's cute but you have got to send pearlie in her costume b/c she is beautiful!!!! she will win for sure!!

From: Aimee Allocco
Sent: Thursday, April 21, 2005 1:31 PM
To: Sara Allocco; Mom;
Subject: RE:
yeah I think the one of pearlie in her hat and dress is great!! Or you should take a picture of her in her karate outfit!! That would look really cute!!!

From: Sara Allocco
Sent: Thursday, April 21, 2005 1:32 PM
To: Aimee Allocco; Mom;
Subject: RE:
yes it would! can you send two in of her?? Oh my god when she is in her little karate outfit I want to eat her up b/c she really looks like a little girl!

From: Mom
Sent: Thursday, April 21, 2005 1:37 PM
To: Sara Allocco
Subject: RE:
That's it then! The karate outfit it is (no you can only send in one)!
By the way, Bogie is cuter than that pom!

Posted by saraisloco at 4:42 PM | Permalink | Comments

If you look hard enough you can see Johnny Knoxville giving Jessica the ol' undercarriage check. Rip just smiles.....because he's gay.

Posted by saraisloco at 1:22 PM | Permalink | Comments

When I was sick I had nothing better to do than watch E!, MTV, VH1, and lame ass movies on HBO....like "Radio". Ever seen it? Well don't bother. It's this ridiculous movie with Cuba ("Why Did My Career Fall Apart After I won the Academy Award") Gooding Jr.

Oh Cuba...a blind retarded chimp named Sammy could have seen the warning signs when he read this script....why didn't you? Why do you continue to punch the Academy in the groin with such flops like "Boat Trip", "Snow Dogs", and "The Fighting Temptations".

Were you that shit out of luck before winning the Oscar that you had to jump on EVERY offer that approached you?

Why couldn't you pull a Russell Crowe? Win the damn award, give Hollywood the finger, and then go build you and your girlfriend of 16 years a chapel to get married in?? Only to come back stronger with another film that could potentially win you critical acclaim...or at the very least some nice residuals.

But NOOOOOO, you had to do "Boat Trip" and "Snow Dogs". Remember one of your first films? And no not "Coming to America" where you sat in the chair while Eddie Murphy cut your hair in the MT Fine barber shop....that other gang movie you made...you know the one about South Central....and no not the Wayans Brother one.

Anyway, listen to me: I may not be an agent, heck I may not even know an agent (total lie I know one but they book infants jobs) but I think maybe next time you get a script...don't skim it fiddling with your ding-dong. Grab that fucking little gold bald fellow and think to yourself "WWTHD" That's right, "What Would Tom Hanks Do". And if your answer is to make a follow up to "Boat Trip" then unwrap that little gold fellow and enjoy the sweet morsels because I am convinced that the Academy gave you one made of chocolate, and that the real one went to some British actor who was far more deserving but couldn't do back flips due to a broken hip.

Now scram!

Posted by saraisloco at 10:33 AM | Permalink | Comments

Last night Brandy and I wrote some more deliciously naughty sketches for our two-woman sketch show that we will be performing in June. This of course was waaaay before the San Loco snack attack at 2am. (Guaco Loco you will be mine)

I'm just very excited that after a year of writing and re-writing and taking classes with that genius Kevin Allison - we are finally ready to put on our character shoes and do the ol' buffalo jim-jam banjoree timestep!! Or so they say…....who say? Oh you know, those crazy broadway kidz. (please notice the z thereby giving them much more "pizzaz") Cut to me and Brandy in matching gold sequin top hats and black satin dance pants.

Yup, I'm gay.

Posted by saraisloco at 4:21 PM | Permalink | Comments

One time in my history of dating boys, I made the mistake of making a guy dinner. Everything was fine, we were dating, enjoying one another's company, and then I had him over one night and made him chicken parmesan and spaghetti.

We broke up the next day.

Note to self: next time a young lad comes about the house, be sure to order take out....even breakfast.

Posted by saraisloco at 11:39 AM | Permalink | Comments

Today is another glorious day and for whatever reason it makes me want to go home to my parents and hang out in my hometown. It's just a lovely town really, especially when it's nice out. It's right on the water and my mom takes advantage of this by decorating our entire home in a "shabby chic beach-theme".

I guess I also love this weather because for about 16 years it signaled the end of the school year...whether I was 9 or 19. Jesus lord, teachers really have it made. Actually, anyone who doesn't have to work in the summer has it made. I shouldn't have to work in the summer. No way! I should be driving around with my top down and the sunroof open...wait, I mean with my top open and the sunroof down....no wait...alright, scratch the top part and keep the sunroof down.

Any who, alls I'm saying is that I should have the summer off and not have to worry about how I'm going to pay the rent and instead worry about much more important things like whether or not I will burn if I only use SPF 8; my crush is going to the Fireman's Fair; or if I'll like my new musical theater summer camp.

Ah to be 20, 15, and 10 respectively. I just want to go back to the time when I was in grade school and we'd sit in our uniforms counting down to the last day of school whilst sweating to death because the Roman Catholic Diocese didn't see the need to put air conditoners in the classrooms...only in the principal's office...and the Rectory. (Wouldn't want Father Colgan's keg of beer to go bad now would we...nah)

Side note that has nothing to do with me yearning to be twelve again: I really like Mariah Carey's new song "We Belong Together". There I said it Mimi. I like your fucking music.

Posted by saraisloco at 10:55 AM | Permalink | Comments

and it was wonderful....

We had the first of two "Mortified" shows last night at the Tank, and I was just so excited to be part of such a great ensemble. If you can, you really much check it out.

And if you have some spare time, don't be afraid to stop by Rudy's trash bar on 43rd Street. Maybe, just maybe - a big fat drunk man will try to slow dance to Phil Collins' "One More Night" with you.

Hey, it could totally happen.

Posted by saraisloco at 6:05 PM | Permalink | Comments

As I'm prepping for my little bit tonight at "Mortified" (www.getmortified.com) I find myself listening to more Tiffany, Debbie Gibson, and Mariah Carey than is really necessary for one's own good.
So is it wrong that I just performed "Could Have Been" in front of my mirror while wearing a tiara and pajama bottoms that read 'I Heart Me'??
Probably.

Posted by saraisloco at 2:06 PM | Permalink | Comments

I shouldn't have waited till last the minute to get something very important done....this is the story of my life.
- Yesterday it was my taxes.
- Today it was something for a show that I'm doing.
- Tomorrow I hope it's nothing.
Now on top of everything I am so tired as a result of going out late last night and getting to bed at 3am. My friends, I need a bit of a "new attitude" (thanks Patti Labelle)
Well here's to changing for the better....you know if I can manage to not do that at the last minute too.

Posted by saraisloco at 8:07 PM | Permalink | Comments

My roomie is making some of her delicious coffee right now(with added cinnemon for full effect)and I can hardly wait to have a cup!

Annie - you rule!

In unrelated news: I had a dream last night that I was pregnant (just like Britney!) and friends with the Olsens.

Note to self: stop reading In Touch before bed.

Posted by saraisloco at 8:36 AM | Permalink | Comments

I have this dream...well it's more like an "Almost Famous" moment where I am dating a rock star. But I use the term 'rock star' very loosely. For example - Axl Rose: rock star. Steve Perry: pseudo rock star. And yet - they're all the same to me. My little mini plays the guitar (very well might I add) but I fear that my obsession with marrying a musician will take its toll and I'll soon become music's answer to Momma Rose (or god for bid like that creepy Joe Simpson: father of the bimbo and no-talent ass clown) Is it so wrong if I sit and listen to "Separate Lives" and pretend I am in the backstage area waiting for my hubby to come off stage while I hand him a towel and a big hug??

If it's Steve Perry that I'm talking about then the answer would be yes.
I may be blonde but I'm not stupid.

So Mr. Perry, wherever your washed up bloated self may be, know this: I would have married you if you changed the lyrics from "Oh Sherry" to "Oh Mini".

Posted by saraisloco at 11:01 PM | Permalink | Comments

Don't ever keep a diary. Just a friendly piece of advice. It always comes back to haunt you. Take my word for it.

So the next time you're in a stationary store on Canal Street and you happen to come across a diary named "Sweetie Cherry" of the Hello Kitty variety - DO NOT BUY IT.

Once again, just a friendly piece of advice.

Posted by saraisloco at 1:32 PM | Permalink | Comments

Hi John,
It's me, Crazy. Listen I hear you've been spending some time down in the East Village, which is so funny because I live in the East Village! Crazy right? (that I live in the EV not that I'm certifiably insane) So any who, I'm sitting here at my desk eating a Cup O Noodle when I hear your song "Daughters" come on the radio. I have to tell you John, I'm not so much a fan of it as I am of say, oh I don't know, "You're Body is a Wonderland". Yeah. That song makes me want to follow you home from a bar and jump on your back when you're not looking, and never let go....that is until you take me home and sing it to me in bed.

Oh John, you are so naughty! You didn't write that song about me! No. Apparently you wrote it about Jennifer Love Hewitt, who by the way I hear has a bad case of herpes. Where as I only have a bad case of "loving you" (cue Robert Palmer).

Alright, I promise to go and not damage anything if you'll do me one small favor: write a song about our love.

Deal? Okay Johnny - I'll walk away....not too fast that I might miss you calling me to come back (after you see the mistake you have made) and not too slow so that you would still have time to call the cops.

Okay my dear - until I see you drunk at the Park Side Lounge at 3am here I shall remain...at least 300 feet away from you. (just like the document says to)

Love,
SJ (but you my love can call me Sass)

Posted by saraisloco at 4:29 PM | Permalink | Comments

Such a wonderful time was had this past week while in Naples, Florida with my good friends Kelly, Annie, and Shannon. (not to mention one VERY long night in South Beach) It was the perfect way to unwind and was one of those vacations where everything made me laugh. No really. Below are just a snippet of some of the good times (that most likely Kelly, Shannon, Annie and myself will only find to be funny since we were there)

1) "I had cancer SO WHAT?!" (cut to Sara shoving her hand in the tub of SPF 45 and rubbing it on her scar angrily)
2) "Sticks of Fire" (to be sung to the tune of "Hearts of Fire" while starring at Kelly's own sticks of fire)
3) "6 in the Mornin'" (cut to Sara and Kelly staggering home from the Shore Club and a 5am dip in the Atlantic)
4) "Weren't you just here kid? Beat it" (insert small child on beach with box of skittles silently sobbing)
5) "DOLPHIN RIDE!! 10 Cents!!"**
6) "No guys, I'm seriously having a sun stroke" (No joke. I was ten seconds form 911-ing myself)
7) "Hey ladies - those Red Bulls cost me like over $100" (beat it troll. But thanks for the cocktails!)

** Dolphin Ride - When I put people on my back and swim in the ocean while making dolphin coo-ing sounds.

Posted by saraisloco at 11:17 AM | Permalink | Comments

Oh and by the way - Apple can go f-themselves. There I was on Thursday afternoon, about ten minutes from leaving for JFK when I-Tunes decided to delete ALL of my songs. Yes all of them. All 467. So Mr Apple - wherever you are: BITE ME!!*

*for now until I figure out how to get everything back then I will continue to recommend you to friends...but until then GET BENT!

Posted by saraisloco at 12:47 AM | Permalink | Comments

I am now home after my lovely six days in the Florida sun and although I am somehow WIRED after a quick two and a half hour plane ride (come on seriously was that Red Bull or Sprite that you poured for me Miss Flight Attendant????) I have fun tales of the sea and us ladies in our constant pursuit of the sun and ice-cream, and eventually dancing at the Shore Club till 6 in the morning. Once I can upload some fun pics of our debauchery and shameless Paris Hilton poses - I will!

Posted by saraisloco at 12:38 AM | Permalink | Comments

I'm not even going to comment on how nice it is outside. Well okay maybe I just did....but seriously, this weather is just want I need to get myself all excited over heading south for six days of sun, sand, drinks (many like the one pictured), and the Euro trash in South Beach. Sweet.

Thank you warm weather for constantly bringing a smile to my face. Even when you're sometimes too warm and I'm nearly sweating to death as a result of my metabolism/thyroid. Ah sweating in the hot morning sun....welcome back. I missed you sunshine. I missed you.

Posted by saraisloco at 4:17 PM | Permalink | Comments

I just ran into my crush on my way back from the doctor's. Well, "run into" makes it seem as though we are familiar with one another and had a conversation. No. This is not the case. He did however give me a look and stared for a brief moment but it could be perhaps because I am dressed like a 12 year-old boy today thereby resembling a troll.

I'm pretty sure I heard him mutter under his breath, "Are you waiting for the Billy Goat Gruff to come and pick you up troll boy?"

No handsome. I'm waiting for the bus. The M11 bus.

Posted by saraisloco at 2:33 PM | Permalink | Comments

Alright. Yesterday Brandy, Annie, Meril and I almost killed ourselves trying to make a 3:15pm train out to my parents where my mom was hosting a psychic party. Ever been to one? No? Well they go a little something like this:

You show up, pay money, have your cards read, are told some lovely things like what your husband will be like and that you're not in the right career field (A duh), then you can ask a question and he reads the cards to give you an answer. Sometimes if the psychic is also a medium they can talk to the dead. Just like Haley Joel Osmet.

I must say that I was a wee bit disappointed with my reading. I've been through A LOT in the past year, and I feel like he never really mentioned anything specific and was all too vague. Now don't get me wrong, it's not like I expected him to throw confetti at me when I walked in ala Rip Taylor but I would have liked him to make more of a fuss over the fact that my life has done a complete 180 since this time last year. And perhaps for shits and giggles indulge me by telling me that Justin Timberlake thinks about me sometimes.

No really.

Posted by saraisloco at 12:11 PM | Permalink | Comments

It's such a perfect day to do absolutely nothing. The wind is howling as I sit here in my cozy apartment typing sketch stuff and listening to Keane. Such a perfect day to hear their melodious tunes. Such a perfect day to eat leftovers of a delicous meal that your roommate made for you last night while talking on the phone with Kelly about your plans for tonight. Such a perfect night to stay in and be cozy.

This will not happen as my presence is required at two parties tonight. I am praying for the rain and wind to stop once 6:30 rolls around. No one needs to see me with Vince Neil Circa 1985 hair.

Not even my beloved Keane.

Posted by saraisloco at 3:14 PM | Permalink | Comments

I'm about to become a mother for the very first time! I am just so excited and speechless. I just took an EPT test in the bathroom here at work and was thrilled to find that there was a plus sign! It's the first child for me and my mister.

In lieu of gifts please send me cash because everyone knows that I can't afford this child.

God bless little Blanket Jo Allocco.

Oh and one more thing...HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY*.

*(it's offical I am gay)

Posted by saraisloco at 4:35 PM | Permalink | Comments

Man. Today has been such a busy day and this weekend isn't letting up either. I have three birthday parties to attend on Saturday night but will most likely only make it to Pat's, although I am trying my hardest to make it to Shannon's as well*. Also, my dear friend Becky is coming to visit for the night on Saturday, and then on Sunday I'm going to a psychic party at my mom's. Jeesh. Am I cool or what....yes I know...or what.

The good news?? Next week it all slows down and then I'm on a plane to warmer weather and sunnier skies...and guido guys. Ah Florida...how dare you....how dare you.

*parties, friends, and drinking = fun pictures to post to flickr.

Posted by saraisloco at 3:44 PM | Permalink | Comments