SARA IS LOCO

Call me crazy, but I love Thanksgiving. It brings back fond memories of being 5 years old and going to my Aunt Bea's, in Darien. I can recall, my dad driving (chain smoking the entire way) and fighting with my mom over her selection of music (usually Johnny Mathis' Christmas albulm, or 'White Christmas") I remember, sitting squished between Aimee and Melissa, while the two of them listened to their walkmans, and I got car sick trying to color in my Berenstein Bears coloring book. It used to be a pretty big deal to my family.

There was also that "Very F*#cking Special" Thanksgiving, when the five of us made the trek into the city to watch the Macy's parade, and it just so happened to be the COLDEST Thanksgiving on record. We also didn't plan very well, as we stood AT THE END of the parade route (right in front of Macy's), and froze our asses off in the process. We were so cold that we had to put our mittens on our feet, went through gallons of hot chocolate (not to mention numerous trips to the McDonald's bathroom on 34th), and may or may not have elbowed a very friendly family from Iowa, so that we could stand over the subway grate in order to keep warm. We arrived around 6am, and by 9am saw maybe one balloon go by...and it was a helium one with Garfield on it, that a small child had let go in the air. Nice. Happy Fucking Thanksgving. My father had the very bright idea of elbowing our way out of the massive crowd to a cab that whisked us away to Chinatown, where we had our Thanksgiving dinner. Oh memories. The real kick in the crotch came, when we arrived home later that evening, only to discover that someone (a:k:a: mom), set the VCR on the wrong channel. We ended up getting some crappy football game instead of the parade. Oh how the tears flowed.

Somewhere around 1997, I'd say things shifted and Thanksgiving became a huge deal to me, because it meant going out the night before with my high school friends, to either of the two bars in Northport. (which does not include the fancy Gunther's Tap Room...or Club G as it's been affectionately referred to) The night before Thanksgiving became the one chance all year to run into those people you went to high school with, but rarely talk to anymore. It's always fun seeing the guys who used to be cute and athletic turn into fat, desperate, Geico sales reps. Well at least they're not working at the "Cow Wash" anymore. NBT (that's the acronym for Night Before Thanksgiving...says I!), began getting pretty silly after a while. I mean how many more times can I run into the kid I made out with once, and hear how cool he still is, and that he's thinking of "moving into the city" sometime soon. Nice try douche. I've been living in and out of here since '97 - do not even play that, "One day I'm going to work on Wall Street and be rich, but until then I'll still live with my mom and dad in the cushy home I grew up in, while I work as a bar back at Napper Tandy's" game. I said good day sir! At this point, I just miss being able to go out with my close friends to the same bars we used fake id's and chalked permits to get into. Proudly, might I just add, that those same bars still proof me! Oh silly bouncer that I used to babysit for - don't you remember that I was once a little older than you?

I suppose as the years go by, our priorities shift and it's just nice to be able to spend it with family. Sadly, in recent years, my family has sort of seen it as just another day to eat a lot and lay around in sweatpants.... much to my mother's dismay. However, this year will be different. It's the first year, that my sisters (who both recently moved to Florida) will be spending it down there with the extended family, while I host it at my apartment here in la cuidad! (Please note: this most likely means that I will still be in sweatpants, on my fat ass eating, while everyone else does the cooking)

And perhaps for old times sake, we'll even take a walk over to Macy's and stand in the freezing cold in nine layers, with the hopes that maybe, just maybe, this year we can at the very least, catch the Macy's Star go by. Sigh.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Posted by saraisloco at 1:55 PM | Permalink | Comments

To those of you who have been trying to make comments on my posts, I'm slowly finding out that in order to do so, you must also have a blog on this website. Yes. I know. I think it's silly too. But please allow me to leave you with this one tidbit of information I learned while a student at St Philip Neri School (grades k-8)...... don't hate the player - hate the game. I'm pretty sure Sister Eva taught me that one.

Allocco Out.

Posted by saraisloco at 2:32 PM | Permalink | Comments

Shit. I have her crappy ass song, "I'm Real" (not the good one with Ja Rule) in my head. The sad thing is that I actually bought this cd when it first came out, and it used to be my "workout" music. And by working out of course I mean walking four times around the Northport High School track and doing five sit ups. Oh ghetto gym, why must you haunt me?

Posted by saraisloco at 12:27 PM | Permalink | Comments

1) Nick and Jessica are still in love. I just read about it in "In Touch" while waiting for a prescription at CVS. Also - Star Reynolds (nee Jones or fat-ass as I like to call her), and her gay-ass husband got married. For those of you who have been living under a rock (or like the majority of the world could even give a shit), this means that Star Jones married a gay man. He is gay and I can prove it. I was sitting near them at the US Open and I can attest to the fact that he is a tad light in the loafers. My theory is that he used to be straight but plays the gay card so that he doesn't have to have sex with that life sized mallomar.

2) I am excited to have my parents and the three pups (namely Polonius, Pearl, and Marley) stay over at my apartment for Thanksgiving.

3) I LOVE not like, Rilo Kiley. Have you heard any of their music yet? If not, then may I suggest that you run (not skip) to the nearest computer and download their stuff....or be a non-criminal (un-like myself might I add) and just buy their cd. (little tidbit - the female singer is the daughter from one of my favorite 6th grade sleep-over films, "Troop Beverly Hills")

4) I may or may not have just performed Cindy Lauper's 1983 hit, "All Through the Night" for my couch, with a tube of black shoe polish as my microphone.

Top that, I don't give a, about trying to top that.....(thanks "Teen Witch")

Posted by saraisloco at 5:10 PM | Permalink | Comments

• That I like Skid Row's "I'll Remember You"? Like really like it, as in me listening to it on repeat four times while taking the E train to get my hair done in the West Village?
• That I used to not enjoy the fine taste of a pop-tart, but in my old age have grown accustomed to the sugary taste and diabetic-induced coma I fall into shortly after inhaling one of those sweet morsels of sunshine?
• That I am proud to admit what clothes I have purchased for many dollars at Bloomingdales and Olive and Bettes, and which ones I've gotten for dirt cheap at Target?
• That I can be frequently found dancing around my apartment to any of the following songs:

"Goodbye to You" (Scandal)
"Every Little Thing She Does is Magic (The Police)
"Top of the World" (Sugarcubes cover of the Carpenters hit)
"God is a DJ" (Pink)
"Somebody's Watching Me" (Rockwell)
"On the Street Where You Live" (from the musical "My Fair Lady")

• That I think the lead singer of Dashboard Confessional needs a nice girlfriend, so that he can finally write a song about being in a healthy relationship? I nominate my good friend Kelly, because she's fun, and doesn't play that 15 year old mind-game bullshit that I'm sure his trampy model-type ex-girlfriends do.
• That I once ran into an ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend, at a Duane Reade while I was buying tampons, a king-sized snickers bar, and wearing sweatpants that were too-tight in the crotch and butt, and avoided them by lurking in the old-people's aisle. (with the calcium tablets and enemas).
• Is it worse that another time I once spotted him heading into the A train, and nearly knocked a small child and his wheelchair - bound grandpa, so that this ex of mine could see that I do clean up quite nicely when I try? Turns out it wasn't him and there I was heading on a train in the opposite direction of where I really need to go.
• That if given the chance I would do very dirty things to Bruce Springsteen even though he's grossly older than me?
• That if Jude Law hit on me and didn't make me laugh, that I'd tell him to beat it?
• That even though I may be hung over and hurting pretty badly, I still wake up just in time for work.......and it's the weekend??
• That I dabble in the black arts and read my horoscope, believe 90% of what psychics tell me, and sometimes contemplate heading over to Toys R Us in Times Square and buying a Quija Board because I am pretty sure that I have the "gift" of being able to contact the dead?
• That once on a horrible first-date, I called my friend from the ladies room and told her to call me and tell me she was being raped or something, and that she needed my help? Yes I'd say it is. But I am convinced what makes it even worse is that before I left to "help her", I made sure to finish my Cornish game hen and polish off the rest of the wine, while he sat there stunned and kept asking me "But what about your friend???!!!". Oh silly, stupid boys.

Posted by saraisloco at 3:54 PM | Permalink | Comments

We recently (as in yesterday) had a minor fire here at work....and no, I did not start it. Thanks to those of you who actually asked me that when I first told them. Jesus, who am I - Drew Barrymore in "Firestarter"?? Get bent people! So today we are back in the office, and since I arrived (late of course) I have been complaining of stomach cramps, itchy eyes, and a burning sensation in my throat. They say that the air quality is top notch, but I'd like to differ. I smell like I just spent the past five hours at a keg party at Hobart Beach, and now I'm waiting for my mom to pick me up in the Volvo. Surely my dry cleaning bill will be high this month.

After further investigation, I've decided that although it is smoky and I smell like a human s'more, my recent health complaints may or may not be attributed to any of the following:

1) Stomach Cramps - I really haven't eaten much today b/c I am an anorexic, but most importantly b/c I've been too busy working. HA HA - now who honestly believes that one? Show of hands please.

2) Itchy Eyes - this could have something to do with the fact that I slept with my contacts in last night, so they have spent a total of 32 hours in my eyes.

3) Burning Sensation in the throat - must be all that weed I smoke. I keed! No it's probably b/c I scream (not sing mind you) in the shower, and talk way too much for anyone's own good.

So maybe the quality of air is fine. However, I still like to play the drama card, so excuse me while I pack up my belongings for the day b/c I feel too weak to work.....BUT never too weak to grab a drink or three with a co-worker. Mwah....mwah (insert evil genius laugh here)

Posted by saraisloco at 4:30 PM | Permalink | Comments

Welcome friends, loved ones and cyber pervs to my very first blog. Up until now, I have never posted any of my thoughts or random rantings on line...So this is exciting. Actually, I think what is most exciting is that I created this while at work, and will most likely be updating it here, as I spend a good portion of my day confined to a life of Excel spreadsheets, samples, and endless rounds of silly meetings. Life isn't terrible. Quite the contrary my friend! Nor is this job. I just tend to think that I am far too creative (read lazy) to do actual work. As a child I chose theater over sports, not b/c I was overweight and unsure of my sexuality and felt the need to rebel by wearing ripped fishnets and dying my hair - but b/c I was and always have, enjoyed being creative. I never learned to swim or ride a bike - even though I had people willing to teach me both. No. I'd rather at 6 years old, put on my sister's communion dress, mom's pearls and heels, and roll around on the floor to Madonna's "Like a Virgin". I watched waaay too much television as a child and for breakfast used to eat chocolate cake and drink Pepsi. Again - not b/c no one loved me enough to teach me the values of a healthy nutritional diet, but because I always preferred the taste of Duncan Hines to Boo-Berry.

So I decided to start one of these blog thingies, b/c I have a lot to vent and make comments about. I usually send them out through work email, but am pretty sure that HR's file bin marked "Sara" is pretty full by now. So sit back and enjoy the certifiable craziness that is Sara.

Posted by saraisloco at 1:05 PM | Permalink | Comments